What exactly does an al-anon sponsor do?
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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What exactly does an al-anon sponsor do?
I've never had a sponsor for anything! What should I look for in a sponsor? Why exactly happens in a sponsorship? Do you meet privately, talk on the phone, or email?
It sounds like a very intimate relationship. I'm reticent to do this with a stranger, but maybe more reticent to do so with an acquaintance!
It sounds like a very intimate relationship. I'm reticent to do this with a stranger, but maybe more reticent to do so with an acquaintance!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Well, the quick answer about how to pick a sponsor is to look for someone who "has what you want." Basically, I think that just means find someone who seems to be be at the point in recovery where you wish to be--you look at this person and say, "gosh, I would sure like to be so calm/wise/focused, to have that sense of perspective/humor/whatever." THAT is the person you want for your sponsor.
Maybe a better word is mentor?
Your sponsor will go thru the 12 steps w/you, helping you to think about what each one means to you and how to apply it in your life. She will also serve as a sounding board for your problems and questions as they arise.
Different sponsors will want different sorts of relationships. Some might want you to call daily, some might want once a week. Some might be OK w/using email, some might not. Some might want to schedule a lot of get-togethers outside of actual Alanon meetings, some might only want to do it once a month. I think sometimes the frequency/intensity of things will depend on where you are at--if you are in crisis and need a lot of support versus whether you are kind of cruising and doing more or less alright.
I would offer a little bit of advice I learned for myself--it's smart to ask some questions before you go ahead and set up the sponsor relationship. I asked a woman I admired at like my 3rd or 4th meeting, and it turned out to be a mistake (which was OK, b/c she had agreed to just make this a trial sponsorship anyway). She was a WONDERFUL gal, but she wanted me to attend at least one meeting a week with her, and her meetings were all quite far away from where I live, so that became an issue (plus she did later-PM meetings, and I get up at 4 AM...). She had me call her once a week, but unfortunately, being an older gal, she was not very computer literate and would spend FOREVER telling me about times and places of upcoming open meetings (meetings w/speakers, etc.) that I could find on the Alanon website in seconds myself. She was also very opposed to the use of email for really anything related to sponsorship, where I think (obviously, since I am here!) that electronic communication can certainly be useful.
SO--long story short, we did end the relationship after a couple months simply b/c we were on such different pages in certain ways. I did learn a lot from her in that time, not the least of which was to ask some questions next time before asking someone to sponsor me. Clearly I'm not someone with a lot of experience in working w/a sponsor, and you will doubtless hear from people who can tell you a lot more about that. Mostly I just wanted to give some general info and let you know that it's NOT like a marriage or something, and there is nothing wrong w/ending the arrangement if it doesn't work for one or both parties involved, so you don't have to be afraid about making a wrong choice.
Hope that was helpful and didn't scare you off at all...!
Maybe a better word is mentor?
Your sponsor will go thru the 12 steps w/you, helping you to think about what each one means to you and how to apply it in your life. She will also serve as a sounding board for your problems and questions as they arise.
Different sponsors will want different sorts of relationships. Some might want you to call daily, some might want once a week. Some might be OK w/using email, some might not. Some might want to schedule a lot of get-togethers outside of actual Alanon meetings, some might only want to do it once a month. I think sometimes the frequency/intensity of things will depend on where you are at--if you are in crisis and need a lot of support versus whether you are kind of cruising and doing more or less alright.
I would offer a little bit of advice I learned for myself--it's smart to ask some questions before you go ahead and set up the sponsor relationship. I asked a woman I admired at like my 3rd or 4th meeting, and it turned out to be a mistake (which was OK, b/c she had agreed to just make this a trial sponsorship anyway). She was a WONDERFUL gal, but she wanted me to attend at least one meeting a week with her, and her meetings were all quite far away from where I live, so that became an issue (plus she did later-PM meetings, and I get up at 4 AM...). She had me call her once a week, but unfortunately, being an older gal, she was not very computer literate and would spend FOREVER telling me about times and places of upcoming open meetings (meetings w/speakers, etc.) that I could find on the Alanon website in seconds myself. She was also very opposed to the use of email for really anything related to sponsorship, where I think (obviously, since I am here!) that electronic communication can certainly be useful.
SO--long story short, we did end the relationship after a couple months simply b/c we were on such different pages in certain ways. I did learn a lot from her in that time, not the least of which was to ask some questions next time before asking someone to sponsor me. Clearly I'm not someone with a lot of experience in working w/a sponsor, and you will doubtless hear from people who can tell you a lot more about that. Mostly I just wanted to give some general info and let you know that it's NOT like a marriage or something, and there is nothing wrong w/ending the arrangement if it doesn't work for one or both parties involved, so you don't have to be afraid about making a wrong choice.
Hope that was helpful and didn't scare you off at all...!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
A sponsor is someone who has worked the 12 Steps of Al-Anon herself, who has recovered and can help you do the same, and learn to apply the principles to your life. It doesn't mean she is perfect or never screws up, but it means that on the whole, she is living a healthy life.
Usually you simply ask someone who "has what you want." It's often suggested that a potential sponsor and sponsee meet for coffee or something to discuss whether they would be a good "fit" to work together. Everyone has his/her own approach to sponsorship. Some sponsors suggest you give them a call every day or so, just to check in and largely to get you used to using the phone when you need help. A sponsor should not demand that you do exactly as he or she says, but if you routinely ignore suggestions then maybe a different sponsor would be a better fit, or maybe you need to work on your own willingness. Sponsors shouldn't run your life, but they should be reasonably available by phone or to meet with regularly to talk about the program and to help you figure out what's best for you.
I'll see if I can find an Al-Anon pamphlet on sponsorship. AA has a good one. I'm not sure if there are as many Al-Anon materials online.
Usually you simply ask someone who "has what you want." It's often suggested that a potential sponsor and sponsee meet for coffee or something to discuss whether they would be a good "fit" to work together. Everyone has his/her own approach to sponsorship. Some sponsors suggest you give them a call every day or so, just to check in and largely to get you used to using the phone when you need help. A sponsor should not demand that you do exactly as he or she says, but if you routinely ignore suggestions then maybe a different sponsor would be a better fit, or maybe you need to work on your own willingness. Sponsors shouldn't run your life, but they should be reasonably available by phone or to meet with regularly to talk about the program and to help you figure out what's best for you.
I'll see if I can find an Al-Anon pamphlet on sponsorship. AA has a good one. I'm not sure if there are as many Al-Anon materials online.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
OK, here's a page where you can order a pamphlet on sponsorship (for forty cents). Many meetings have pamphlets for free, so you might be able to pick one up at a meeting.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: KZN South Africa
Posts: 13
I go to a very small al anon meeting and if I look at your suggestions, which make perfect sense - thank you, I would not ask any of the others to be my sponsor. So that leaves a bit of a problem to do the 12 steps with a sponsor.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 51
Thank you. I will think about what I think would work for me in a sponsorship, and then ask if that sounds reasonable to you folks. I'll order that booklet. I took one of every booklet they had at our meetings, and that isn't one of them.
It's helpful to know that if it isn't working out, you can agree to move on. I get up at 4am too, and think I could learn more at meetings, if I could hang around longer, but sleep is really important!
What would working through step one actually LOOK like? I DO admit that I am powerless over alcohol. I believe it. I can give a million examples of how powerless I am. Is that enough? I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around what working through a step actually looks like...
It's helpful to know that if it isn't working out, you can agree to move on. I get up at 4am too, and think I could learn more at meetings, if I could hang around longer, but sleep is really important!
What would working through step one actually LOOK like? I DO admit that I am powerless over alcohol. I believe it. I can give a million examples of how powerless I am. Is that enough? I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around what working through a step actually looks like...
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I find the book "Paths to Recovery" to be GREAT for working thru the steps; each chapter finishes up w/a bunch of questions that help you figure out exactly what each step looks like.
I found this link http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/pdf/B-24_step1Web.pdf which will give you the entire first chapter (Step One) of "Paths to Recovery", including the questions, and maybe that will help to answer your question about what Step One would look like in more detail.
The book is available thru Amazon as well as thru your local Alanon chapter; Amazon also carries used Alanon literature, which is what I buy. Somehow I like knowing that someone else held that book, feeling what I feel.
I found this link http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/pdf/B-24_step1Web.pdf which will give you the entire first chapter (Step One) of "Paths to Recovery", including the questions, and maybe that will help to answer your question about what Step One would look like in more detail.
The book is available thru Amazon as well as thru your local Alanon chapter; Amazon also carries used Alanon literature, which is what I buy. Somehow I like knowing that someone else held that book, feeling what I feel.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Usually work on Step One involves doing some reading suggested by your sponsor, maybe doing an "assignment" like thinking about all the things you are powerless over, the ways in which you are powerless over alcohol (and the alcoholic), and the ways in which your life has become unmanageable.
IOW, it's to get to where you can REALLY understand the Step. Because it's easy to read the words and still hold onto the mental reservation that if you just had the right secret, you could somehow change another person.
IOW, it's to get to where you can REALLY understand the Step. Because it's easy to read the words and still hold onto the mental reservation that if you just had the right secret, you could somehow change another person.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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This might post twice because I typed and lost my message. I ordered both the recommended book and the pamphlet, plus a pamphlet for adult children, for my daughter to read.
It occurred to me as I was trying to fall asleep last night - When you say "find someone who has what you want," you are NOT referring to coaching experience, personality, etc. You meant someone who is living the LIFE that I want, correct? That hit me all of a sudden, and they are very different qualifications!
I am SO grateful I found this site, and that you folks have had endless patience with me as I feel my way through the infancy of my recovery! Thank you!!!
It occurred to me as I was trying to fall asleep last night - When you say "find someone who has what you want," you are NOT referring to coaching experience, personality, etc. You meant someone who is living the LIFE that I want, correct? That hit me all of a sudden, and they are very different qualifications!
I am SO grateful I found this site, and that you folks have had endless patience with me as I feel my way through the infancy of my recovery! Thank you!!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by mcaiwas 
It occurred to me as I was trying to fall asleep last night - When you say "find someone who has what you want," you are NOT referring to coaching experience, personality, etc. You meant someone who is living the LIFE that I want, correct? That hit me all of a sudden, and they are very different qualifications!
You're getting this!
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I was very nervous about getting a sponsor. At first, honestly, I wasn't sure I was ready for the commitment! So I waited. I did really well in AlAnon, then got to a point where I felt I wasn't growing. I mentioned it to someone after a meeting, and they replied, "you're ready to work the steps." By that time, I was okay with that.
There was a woman in our group who was a Sponsor. She was the first person to come up and talk to me after my first meeting, when I was a mess. She never pushed, but was always present and friendly. A lot of the people in that room had left their partners, but she made the decision to stay with her husband. He was sober, but not working a program. She found serenity anyhow, and talked about loving the A "where they are." I had made the decision to stay with my partner when he was released from an in patient rehab. Not everyone understood or agreed with that. But I felt that this woman would understand, and could help me.
Asking her to sponsor me was scary! I don't know why, it took several weeks for me to ask her. It was kind of like asking someone on a first date...what if she doesn't like me? Crazy, I know! She was so gracious when I asked her. It was the best decision I've made in AlAnon. She knows stuff about my relationship that friends/family don't. She gets me. Between meetings, she's there anytime I need to vent/cry/celebrate. She helps me see the Steps clearly. When her spouse recently relapsed, I watched her keep her serenity in the midst of her pain. She lives what she teaches.
Take your time, you'll know when someone feels right. You can always ask them to be a temporary sponsor, to see if you're a good fit together. It will add a whole new layer to your recovery.
There was a woman in our group who was a Sponsor. She was the first person to come up and talk to me after my first meeting, when I was a mess. She never pushed, but was always present and friendly. A lot of the people in that room had left their partners, but she made the decision to stay with her husband. He was sober, but not working a program. She found serenity anyhow, and talked about loving the A "where they are." I had made the decision to stay with my partner when he was released from an in patient rehab. Not everyone understood or agreed with that. But I felt that this woman would understand, and could help me.
Asking her to sponsor me was scary! I don't know why, it took several weeks for me to ask her. It was kind of like asking someone on a first date...what if she doesn't like me? Crazy, I know! She was so gracious when I asked her. It was the best decision I've made in AlAnon. She knows stuff about my relationship that friends/family don't. She gets me. Between meetings, she's there anytime I need to vent/cry/celebrate. She helps me see the Steps clearly. When her spouse recently relapsed, I watched her keep her serenity in the midst of her pain. She lives what she teaches.
Take your time, you'll know when someone feels right. You can always ask them to be a temporary sponsor, to see if you're a good fit together. It will add a whole new layer to your recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 51
Thanks, recovering2! The asking for a date analogy sort of describes my feelings. I don't know any of these people well enough yet, to ask one to sponsor me, or to know if they have what I want. I'll keep attending and waiting.
I LOVE the idea of asking someone to be a temporary sponsor - thank you for that!
Yes, Lexie, I'm starting to get it! You just wait - someday, I'LL be able to chiming in and helping somebody
I LOVE the idea of asking someone to be a temporary sponsor - thank you for that!
Yes, Lexie, I'm starting to get it! You just wait - someday, I'LL be able to chiming in and helping somebody
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1
sponsor recommended
My sponsor, and I believe many others, also recommend
Reaching for Personal Freedom: Living the Legacies (P-92) Then there's another workbook that takes you through Step 4. Blueprint for Progress: Al-Anon's Fourth Step Inventory. Please consider buying it from Al-anon rather than Amazon add Al-anon is a self-supporting entity.
Reaching for Personal Freedom: Living the Legacies (P-92) Then there's another workbook that takes you through Step 4. Blueprint for Progress: Al-Anon's Fourth Step Inventory. Please consider buying it from Al-anon rather than Amazon add Al-anon is a self-supporting entity.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
What is Sponsorship?"
A Sponsor is someone with whom a member can discuss personal problems or questions; someone who willingly shares the experience, strength, and hope of the Al-Anon program."
Sponsorship, What Its All About (Al-Anon Pamphlet #p-31)
In short, a sponsor is the way that the Al-Anon program becomes personalized. If the newcomer goes to meetings, reads the literature, uses the fellowship, there is a certain limitation that is inherent. When a person takes the step of becoming vulnerable with another person in the program, there is a depth that evolves that is virtually indescribable. The program comes to life in a way that it simply couldn't without that intimate, personal, human connection.
What is a Sponsor for?
A sponsor is a fellow member who practices the program in such a way as to attract others to themselves. Typically, the sponsor guides the newcomer through the steps and other nuances of the program. Getting a sponsor may seem like a monumental task; but there is no way around the simplicity: just ask someone. Using a sponsor can seem odd for some of us at first, since it involves reaching out and opening up to someone. Most of us have become accustomed to "going it alone", and we all have deep trust issues. Here are a few guidelines about getting and working with a sponsor:
Call your sponsor - regularly. Try to work out a time that is convenient for you both.Try to go to the same meetings as your sponsor. This will put you in contact with your sponsor and the program fellowship at the same time.
Read what the Al-Anon literature has to say about sponsorship.
Be honest, direct, and compassionate with your sponsor. Remember that your sponsor is only a human being, and is prone to mistakes. If you can communicate your feelings, what is working and what's not, etc. it will help both of you.
Try to work on tasks or objective assignments. Open-ended discussions and talking are essential, but a pre-defined program of working the steps will take you on a journey that is very likely to produce that which we all desire: Serenity and Spiritual Connection.
Develop regular meetings with your sponsor in person - once per week is great; once a month when things are stable is good, too. Make these informal gatherings part of your regular schedule.
Am I Ready to be a Sponsor?
Typically, a sponsor has been around the program for a while, and has worked trough the steps with someone. A good length of time is about a year. This gives the program time to sink in. There's something magical about having worked the program through all four seasons. If you're on the verge of becoming a sponsor, consider the rewards: there's no sense of accomplishment like seeing the lights come on in someone who has never before known personal connection, fellowship, or direction. By all accounts, sponsorship helps the sponsor as much as, or more than, the person who is being sponsored.
A Sponsor is someone with whom a member can discuss personal problems or questions; someone who willingly shares the experience, strength, and hope of the Al-Anon program."
Sponsorship, What Its All About (Al-Anon Pamphlet #p-31)
In short, a sponsor is the way that the Al-Anon program becomes personalized. If the newcomer goes to meetings, reads the literature, uses the fellowship, there is a certain limitation that is inherent. When a person takes the step of becoming vulnerable with another person in the program, there is a depth that evolves that is virtually indescribable. The program comes to life in a way that it simply couldn't without that intimate, personal, human connection.
What is a Sponsor for?
A sponsor is a fellow member who practices the program in such a way as to attract others to themselves. Typically, the sponsor guides the newcomer through the steps and other nuances of the program. Getting a sponsor may seem like a monumental task; but there is no way around the simplicity: just ask someone. Using a sponsor can seem odd for some of us at first, since it involves reaching out and opening up to someone. Most of us have become accustomed to "going it alone", and we all have deep trust issues. Here are a few guidelines about getting and working with a sponsor:
Call your sponsor - regularly. Try to work out a time that is convenient for you both.Try to go to the same meetings as your sponsor. This will put you in contact with your sponsor and the program fellowship at the same time.
Read what the Al-Anon literature has to say about sponsorship.
Be honest, direct, and compassionate with your sponsor. Remember that your sponsor is only a human being, and is prone to mistakes. If you can communicate your feelings, what is working and what's not, etc. it will help both of you.
Try to work on tasks or objective assignments. Open-ended discussions and talking are essential, but a pre-defined program of working the steps will take you on a journey that is very likely to produce that which we all desire: Serenity and Spiritual Connection.
Develop regular meetings with your sponsor in person - once per week is great; once a month when things are stable is good, too. Make these informal gatherings part of your regular schedule.
Am I Ready to be a Sponsor?
Typically, a sponsor has been around the program for a while, and has worked trough the steps with someone. A good length of time is about a year. This gives the program time to sink in. There's something magical about having worked the program through all four seasons. If you're on the verge of becoming a sponsor, consider the rewards: there's no sense of accomplishment like seeing the lights come on in someone who has never before known personal connection, fellowship, or direction. By all accounts, sponsorship helps the sponsor as much as, or more than, the person who is being sponsored.
https://al-anon.org/members/pdf/p242...ponsorship.pdf
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
RRsos, I'm glad to see you found us here at SR. However, it has been nearly 5 years since anyone posted in this thread. Why don't you start a thread of your own and tell us a little about yourself and what's going on in your life?
Hope to hear more from you soon.
Hope to hear more from you soon.
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