lillamy

that AXH had died. And I was trying to find out when the funeral home was going to cremate him because I wanted to see him one last time.

And I was wondering and worrying - was he afraid or did he just accept death? What was he thinking in those last moments?

And I realize that in spite of how afraid I've been of him, I still don't see him as an adult. Inside, deep inside, I still feel guilty for abandoning him. I still somewhere feel like it is my fault (that's his story line) that his life is going downhill with increasing speed.

There was no funeral in my dream. Because nobody cared. And that just broke my heart.

I don't know why I'm telling you this but I don't know anyone else who would understand.

OnawaMiniya

I'm sorry you were so disturbed by your dream sweetheart. I often have very vivid dreams. I know deep down you understand that his choices are not your fault. That he abandoned himself a long time ago.

((((((((((Hugs))))))))))

Wishing you comfort and peace.

fedupbeyondall

I will admit I've had similar dreams. The most disturbing part of said dream was the sense of relief I remember feeling during the dream. I will wake up with a feeling of sadness tho and look at him sleeping and hope it doesn't happen. Dreams are often not about the things they show. They're usually our subconscience trying it's best to work things out for us. Maybe check a dream interpretation book to see if you can get some insight into what your brain is trying to tell you or work through.

((((HUGS))))

LexieCat

The sense that almost nobody would show up at my funeral was one of the things that played on my mind when I decided to get sober.

Yeah, it's sad when someone has cut themselves off from everyone--the isolation of alcoholism was a huge burden.

It's still something that nobody can change for somebody else.

Hugs,

lillamy

Thank you guys. And I know that. I know it's not my fault that he chooses to continue drinking his life away.

I think that I have not really ever grieved my marriage. I've been busy fixing things and moving in and out of hiding during times when he's been unstable and threatened me - I've been scared a lot and angry a lot but I don't think I've let myself grieve the death of our marriage. Whether it was a bad idea or not, we got married both having dreams of a future together. And no matter how glad I am to be divorced, that dream may need some grieving and a funeral.

And the positive side is that the dream allowed me to feel that I still care. I've been so busy making sure he can't manipulate me that I haven't dared to feel that part of me still cares. And needs to grieve that the person he once was - that person is gone. Dead. I wish I could see that person again. There is no funeral for the brilliant, funny man I married. He will never have a funeral because by the time he dies, that person will have been gone for decades.

I think maybe that was what the dream was about.

amy55

This part really jumped out at me. Not seeing him as an adult. I remember back to when I was married, what really touched my heart was when his "mask" came off, and I saw him as a vulnerable little boy. That tugged at my heart so much.

I felt guilty about abandoning my ex, but when I think about, I didn't abandon him, he did abandon me, but I still think of that lost little boy, nothing I can do about that though. The "other person in him" took over.

The person who pushed all the people that were close to him, away from him.

OnawaMiniya

Then give the marriage a funeral. write a letter. Hold a service for yourself. Cremate it.

lillamy

I like that. Write a letter. Cremate it. And I may do that at the same time I do that hike that Sadielady suggested -- hike up a mountain with a backpack full of rocks, and throw them away. Just keep your fingers crossed I don't set a whole mountainrange on fire...

Argnotthisagain

Oh my....the hold they have on us. Yeesh. So sorry it grabbed you and upset you.....


I jus want to share that I still dream of the A ...must be every night because there he is first thing every morning when I open my eyes. Dont remember the dreams, but it's obvious they're chugging along.

Just saw a good quote:
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."--Siddhartha Gautama

We are working on conquering ourselves.

lillamy

See, I've had plenty of dreams about him. Always nightmares. They've gone something like this: I'm in my apartment and he's there. And I can't get him to leave. Because somehow, he has the right to be there. And I'm not allowed to throw him out. OR: he's got one of the kids and is threatening to kill them unless I agree to marry him again.

Those dreams SUCK.

This one just made me sad.

FireSprite

LOVE THIS!

FireSprite

It's a stretch, but I can see this as progress of sorts, when you figure the resulting emotion into it.

Maybe it's another step toward acceptance? That your inner-most Self is coming to terms with the end of the relationship/period of your life?

fedup3

I don't know if this has been pointed out before but just like we say alcoholism is a disease because for all of the them to do and the same things can't be a coincidence. I think we also go through the same things just like the dream you had Lillamy. I have had the same kind of dreams myself, so sad. My X is in the last stages of the disease but I just can't see him though he wants me to, it would be just too painful, ugh. I was grieving his death before we were even divorced and to see it now face to face would be overwhelming.

theuncertainty

sending hugs

lillamy

That sounds right. That sounds very much right. You know that feeling you have in the middle of it all when you go "how on EARTH did my life get THIS jacked up? Is this really ME? Or is this some kind of weird nightmare?"? I think I've moved beyond that. I'm starting to be able to say "I made some mistakes. And now I'm moving on." And I think that is also what is allowing me to have compassion and see his pain without feeling... panicked? Threatened? You know how they say that human beings can't hold two contradictory thoughts in their mind at the same time? Well, I'm challenging that. He makes me fear for my life, and I feel a deep sorrow for him. Maybe that's not contradictory thoughts but it's pretty dang close.

Tuffgirl

I also wonder if a part of your sub-conscious is gearing you up for what you see being the inevitable...his death. And no matter your feelings about him - you know your kids have been and will continue to be the ultimate victims, and that is just a heck of a load to carry as their Mom.

Prayers from me today.