My Husbands Missing Wedding Ring

Old 07-24-2013, 04:08 PM
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My Husbands Missing Wedding Ring

Hi, I have something that has been bothering me, or Im trying to understand maybe. It hurts when I think about it. When my husband was missing and he was out shooting up he somehow lost his wedding ring. It was more than his just shooting up he was also sick and had a problem with his stomach and an infection, and he was out of it when his friends found him. No one was able to find his ring. When he was in the hospital, I decided that I would replace it before he had to leave and go into rehab. I ordered one just like it because I had all the information on it. Anyway, he says he doesnt know what happened to it, and he doesnt think he would have ever taken it off, sold it, but he cant be sure. It could have also been stolen by someone. I know it doesnt matter, but I am wondering if other people have had something like this happen? I know when he was high he was not himself, thinking like himself, and if he wanted drugs bad enough and had no money then he would have traded it. It hurts and I want to be able to settle it in my mind. If anyone has had this happen, or maybe not a ring but something sentimental. How did you make peace with it, not be hurt about it. I also get sick when I think someone else might be wearing it, but I mean what usually happens to stuff like this? A couple friends tried looking at some pawn shops, but I dont know how that all works. Do they put stuff right out, or could it show up later? how much later?
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Old 07-24-2013, 04:50 PM
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@bluechair While visiting my AW in the hospital the other day I noticed she was no longer wearing her wedding or engagement rings. When I asked her why, she wove this story about losing them in rehab, she filled out a 'lost item' form and that the rehab is actively looking for them. I'm smelling B.S. so I call the rehab the next day and they have no idea what I'm talking about. AW is sticking to her story but my gut says she sold them for crack during her last dive into hell.
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Old 07-24-2013, 05:17 PM
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he pawned it or traded it....for drugs. do NOT get him a replacement...that is one more thing for him to pawn. he didn't forget, he needed drugs. you need to fACE the harsh reality of what addicts will do for dope. could be a pawn shop or some dope dealers pocket regardless, it is GONE....collateral damage.

no more jewelry or hawkables for him. last thing YOU need honey is to be cruising pawn shops!? or spending MORE money to give him something that can be traded/bartered for drugs.

is he even IN treatment yet? you realize you are looking at a good YEAR before he gets the chance to even out and resemble a functional human right? a year of SOLID unbroken devoted recovery. working it harder than he has EVER worked anything else in his life. daily commitment. with laser like focus. go read up in the Newcomers Section and learn just how hard it is to get three days much less three weeks, months, years.
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Old 07-24-2013, 05:56 PM
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It's amazing what they will do. And ANYTHING of value is fair game.

I had a limited amount of expensive jewelry that was very special to me. Things my husband gave me (including my original wedding set) that really meant the world. I never wanted lots of jewels - but the few I had were extremely sentimental and symbolic and most, one of a kind.

My daughter has always known this and and I never, ever, in a million years EVER thought SHE would be the one to steal them from me. But, she did. Pawned every last piece for a fraction of the value just for a quick fix.

I know she was distressed when she didn't get them back in time (before I realized they were gone...I didn't wear them every day) and the shop sold them for the gold. She cried and was genuinely sad. But what was done was done and there was no going back. (And no matter how sad she was, the next time she had a chance she then took a lap top, a camera, a debit card, cash...I could go on and on...)

When a person is in active addiction they Can. Not. Be. Trusted. With. Anything. Of. Value.
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Old 07-24-2013, 06:17 PM
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If anyone has had this happen, or maybe not a ring but something sentimental.
My son sold many valuable heirlooms that had important sentimental value to me.

Sadly, happens all the time.

One of the first things we suggest to people living with active addiction...lock up your valuables preferably somewhere they could never get them, like a safety deposit box at a bank.

And I also agree, do not replace it, the second will most likely get sold too.

It's a dark life, living with active addiction.
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Old 07-24-2013, 06:22 PM
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Sadly, nothing is of value to an active addict except their drug of choice. My stepson sold a really nice bicycle, an old trumpet of his, a digital camera--he even smashed open a glass framed commemorative $2 bill he owned just to get the cash--all in pursuit of crack.
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Old 07-24-2013, 06:56 PM
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I already replaced his ring. I had time to contact the jeweler and order a replacement because we had all the paperwork for it. And I need to report it to insurance I think someone told me. I gave it to him while he was in the hospital. I guess I will have to just let it go. I had never thought about it being melted down for gold. I would prefer that than to think some stranger is wearing it. I think that bothers me the most. Yuck. He was happy and seemed very sorry that the other one was gone. He had tears and he says he doesnt remember but said it was possible he traded it for drugs. He didnt deny it or anything.

subordinary - I dont understand why your wife would pretend to have lost it and filed a whole report at the rehab. I mean does she not remember, or she thinks it will make you mad to know she traded or pawned it? And she had her engagement ring too with a stone. Thats awful. Im sorry because I know it must hurt. I dont feel angry really, just sad about it.

AnvilheadII - he went into rehab on Monday. Today is his 3rd day there. But he had been in the hospital for about two weeks. By the time he got out, he seemed level headed enough and was accepting he needed help. He said he did not want to ever do anything like that again, and he was afraid because once he started, he felt like it took him over. I guess it was lucky he has a nice watch, but he left it at home when he went missing. he had on some kind of sport type watch and its gone too. It wasnt sentimental though. Some friends went to some pawn shops, but I have never been to one. I dont understand how they work and Im wondering if a lot of the stuff they have is stolen, or lost due to drugs. If a person bought something and then someone came looking for a stolen item, wouldnt you end up having to give it back?

Everyone else - I guess i have a lot to learn about how far a person will go to get drugs when they are using. We had been told to shut down all access to money and we tried to do that. He only had what cash he had on him, so it makes sense he used his belongings like cash. Its hard to not be hurt a little though. I mean you feel like there would be some tie to the wedding ring, that a person would say no, not that. But i will come to terms with it I guess. right now Im not angry, it only hurts when i think about it, and makes me mad when I think someone could be wearing it. I hope it gets melted.
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Old 07-24-2013, 07:12 PM
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Bluechair I wish you would have posted this question before replacing your husband's ring. I am an addict in recovery. While I was in active addiction I sold my wedding ring. A ring I wore proudly for 23 years, sold, melted for its gold to purchase 50 pills.
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Old 07-24-2013, 07:35 PM
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My ex was also missing his wedding ring for the last three years of our marriage.. Oh he had a great excuse... He fell underneath the seat of his truck and it was just too much trouble to get too.. Yeah, right???? He pawned that sucker for a hit of only God knows what... Shows you how little he respected out marriage...

I wouldn't buy him another one at this stage of the game... You don't just lose wedding rings...
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Old 07-24-2013, 09:03 PM
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Originally Posted by cleaninLI View Post
Bluechair I wish you would have posted this question before replacing your husband's ring. I am an addict in recovery. While I was in active addiction I sold my wedding ring. A ring I wore proudly for 23 years, sold, melted for its gold to purchase 50 pills.
It sounds like it is now painful for you to think about it. 50 pills. I am understanding slowly how people think when they are using drugs. Just from what you posted it sounds clear that is something you never would have done if you had been off drugs. Can I ask what happened with your relationship?
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Old 07-24-2013, 09:06 PM
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Originally Posted by jerect View Post
My ex was also missing his wedding ring for the last three years of our marriage.. Oh he had a great excuse... He fell underneath the seat of his truck and it was just too much trouble to get too.. Yeah, right???? He pawned that sucker for a hit of only God knows what... Shows you how little he respected out marriage...

I wouldn't buy him another one at this stage of the game... You don't just lose wedding rings...
That is priceless. He couldnt dig it out from under the seat of the car? Did you let that excuse slide? I guess I am lucky that my husband is at least saying he may have traded it. He isnt denying it at least
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Old 07-24-2013, 09:37 PM
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Something quite powerful that I heard here and at my NarAnon meeting: the difference between an alcoholic and a drug addict is that the alcoholic will deny he pawned the ring, but the drug addict will help you look for the ring he pawned. The fact that he told you is in line with your own moral judgement -- that "at least he admitted it" kind of thinking, but I guess what I learned the hard way is that you really cannot trust your recovering addict to tell you the truth about anything for quite a while, and especially in early recovery. He admitted he probably pawned it, so let it go. Figure out where you boundary is. Sometimes it requires that we recovering loved ones do things we would not normally do--like not believe our addict, like not fix things for them, like just let be what is, not try to make it into something we wish was true...This is not easy. It takes the same kind of commitment as our addicted loved ones make when they decide to be clean and sober. You are to be commended for asking questions here, of yourself, thinking and wondering about how to proceed. You are doing a great job, BlueChair. Hang in there. Peace.
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Old 07-24-2013, 10:01 PM
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Originally Posted by BlueChair View Post
That is priceless. He couldnt dig it out from under the seat of the car? Did you let that excuse slide? I guess I am lucky that my husband is at least saying he may have traded it. He isnt denying it at least

Just a word of caution Bluechair. Sounds like your normal thinking is becoming distorted. Does it really matter what he admits or not? Bottom line, he used his wedding ring to get high. Nothing lucky in that situation, IMO.

When we (codependents) start comparing out, like an addict, it's a sign of trouble.
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Old 07-25-2013, 05:43 AM
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Originally Posted by BlueChair View Post

subordinary - I dont understand why your wife would pretend to have lost it and filed a whole report at the rehab. I mean does she not remember, or she thinks it will make you mad to know she traded or pawned it? And she had her engagement ring too with a stone. Thats awful. Im sorry because I know it must hurt. I dont feel angry really, just sad about it.
@bluechair - She knows that I would be (and am) furious about it. And even though she hasn't used in 5 days she is still in that addict lie-about-everything mentality.
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Old 07-25-2013, 09:55 AM
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I was using with my ex and he pawned my ring. I have all of the pawn slips actually... everything but the piano is gone. The laptop, ipod, iphone and all the dvds...
its sad the way it is. Nothing is safe. I remember joking with him that the only way for us to have jewelry was for it to be out of a crackerjacks box so we couldnt pawn it.

Im sorry this has happened to you.
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Old 07-25-2013, 11:24 AM
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That is priceless. He couldnt dig it out from under the seat of the car? Did you let that excuse slide? I guess I am lucky that my husband is at least saying he may have traded it. He isnt denying it at least

bluechair, it was never UNDER the car seat. it was GONE. she knew it was a lie. your husband is lying as well, saying he doesn't remember. addicts have more sudden onsets of amnesia than any other class of people alive!!!! conveniently when they've done something they shouldn't...like trade their wedding ring for a hit, or have unprotected sex while out on spinners, etc. people will trade their BODIES for just one more hit.......or in some of the more extreme acts of desperation, their own children. NOTHING is sacred.
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Old 07-25-2013, 11:37 AM
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BlueChair...I encourage you to pay attention to AnvilHead. Carefully...
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Old 07-25-2013, 11:53 AM
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That is very true bluechair, there are many things that I regret "selling", while I was using. I compare it to being "possessed" by my drugs. Morning, noon and night that is all I cared about at the expense of my family, friends, health and life. Thank God, I stepped out of that cycle, and am able to survey the damage I've caused. It could very well take the rest of my life to gain back all that I lost.

About 5 months ago, during a time that I had run out of pills and knew I wouldn't be getting any for at least a week. I confessed to my husband that I hadn't actually stopped taking them when I told him I had stopped and that I would be sick from WD for a few days. He was very angry and said that he was "Fed up" and that if I didn't get outside help for myself, he and the kids would be leaving. I knew, after all I had put him through that he meant it. Fearful of losing my family and so sick from withdrawal, I asked him to take me to an outpatient treatment center. They referred me to a doctor that specializes in detox and addiction treatment. The next day the Dr. put me on suboxone and the following week I started attending the group sessions. With the help of the suboxone and the program I am attending three times a week and SR, I have managed to stay clean for 5 months now.

I just want to say that, I "sold" much more then the ring and other tangibles, it's the intangibles - my children's childhood, their sense of security and well being, their trust and respect for me -and many others, too numerous to mention. These irreplaceable things are what I regret "selling" more than anything.
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Old 07-25-2013, 01:48 PM
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Originally Posted by zoso77 View Post
BlueChair...I encourage you to pay attention to AnvilHead. Carefully...
Anvil is correct... Of course I knew it was a lie... It got to the point where i didn't bother asking my ex anything because I knew every word that came out of his mouth would be a lie...

At first his excuses and lies bothered me and I spent so much time chasing the lies, trying to turn them into the truth that my head just spins thinking about it... I got to a point where I stopped taking what he was doing personally and had to ask myself what was in it for me??

Take the focus off of him blue and put it on you....
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Old 07-25-2013, 04:04 PM
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Originally Posted by subordinary View Post
@bluechair - She knows that I would be (and am) furious about it. And even though she hasn't used in 5 days she is still in that addict lie-about-everything mentality.
How long do you think that will last with her?
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