Yogagurl

To those who have been keeping up with my posts, I wanted to check in with both an update and the need for advice from the wise with experience.
I am not living with my husband anymore. I managed to escape while he was at work this past Sunday with some clothes and my dog (and the coffee, coffee maker, and creamer – you know the necessities!) Since I have left, I have told him that I will not go back to that house until he is in treatment. Truth be told, I will never live in that house again. It’s plum toxic with Joojoo. I had taken the keys to my classic mustang when I left, which doesn’t have insurance on it at this time. My husband does not have a license, so technically, should not be driving anyways. While I’ve been gone, since Sunday, he has been using the car. He broke the ignition to it and has been starting it with a screwdriver. I didn’t know this until yesterday when his MOTHER was texting me to call her. The officer who pulled him thought that the car had been stolen, since it was clear he didn’t have a set of keys. BUT, they let him off, with only a citation for driving with no license. Mind you, the car doesn’t have insurance, it’s not registered in his name, and he has the track record of a hood rat. Whatever , he should have gone to jail. His mother has the audacity to tell the sherriff that my AH didn’t steal the car so that he wouldn’t go to prison. Hmmmmmm – I took the keys and dropped the insurance. He started it with a flathead. Clearly, that means I condoned his driving a vehicle that is registered to me and I paid for! She’s about as bat sh*t crazy as they come.
AH is NOT going to get treatment, which has been established. He is working today, for the first time all week, and, as with every time he gets up and goes to work, he’s ready to seize the day! He’s “off that sh*t, not ever touching it again, not going to waste his life,” etc, etc, ad nauseum. He plans on working, fixing the truck, getting someone to stay with him for a few weeks, etc. He hasn’t mentioned anything about getting insurance, going to a rehab, getting stabilized on meds, NA, talking with a sponsor (who I texted yesterday on my husband’s behalf to reach out and put them in touch – I know, I know, bad codie).

The question is: he wants to see me. He wants to take me out. I’m not really into it. I’m being nice, but I’m not like, all, wanting to court. I’m not trying to be a negative Nancy, but I don’t have faith in his ability to stop using. I feel that being friends is one thing, but then, I don’t associate with drug addicts.
He’s my husband, which makes this all weird. Because I married a man that I wouldn’t even hang out with. What do y’all think? Hang out with him and support him, humor the idea that he is going to stop using. OR, be real about it and just get the divorce papers off the press?

LoveMeNow

This is the man you just described as escaping from. He clearly doesn't want recovery so you will be dating an active crack addict. Also, not to forget, he was very emotionally and verbally abusive to you. Nothing has changed except that you were forced to escape your own home. And as long as he refuses help, he is the one with bad "joojoo" not the house.

What are you doing for you? Therapy, meetings??? Take this time to fix you!

zoso77

Why would you want to "date" someone that stole your car?

Carlotta

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. What has changed since last week?

If instead of you it was me who had posted that the other day, would you advise me to go on a date with the guy?

Tom1949

Hey yogagurl, I don't know all the facts. How old are you? how long married? Any kids? Do you guys rent or own the house? If your young no kids and don't own get out of dodge and send divorce papers via lawyer.
Save your life.
Rehab or not leave.
Tom1949

GardenMama

IMHO, I am thinking that maybe YOU have relapsed...?

Making a list of harms, hurts, situations of abuse and distress helped me when I was in a long-term difficult relationship once. It helped me see more objectively when I started to weaken and doubt my sense of self-preservation.

Perhaps you should report the car as stolen? Turn the tables on yourself, Yogagurl. You are on your way: don't be waylaid, derailed, misled by empty promises and such.

AnvilheadII

Because I married a man that I wouldn’t even hang out with. What do y’all think? Hang out with him and support him, humor the idea that he is going to stop using. OR, be real about it and just get the divorce papers off the press?

I don't know how much clearer what I could say would be any clearer than what YOU said.

you ESCAPED a week ago. now you want to drill back IN to the prison? since you left on SUNDAY, which is all of THREE days ago...he took your car without permission. now he says he wants to DATE? court you?

come on girl....THINK. I don't mean to be harsh, but you just barely GOT OUT. you don't even LIKE him. or respect, trust, admire.....he's a thieving lying addict hood rat....

you said you DO NOT ASSOCIATE WITH DRUG ADDICTS. either you meant that....or not. YOU PICK. it's your boundary.

Tom1949

Hi gurl.....I am a 64 year old husband. Married 45 years in two weeks. I didn't start drinking until I was 42. At 52 I was doing 5 meetings a day. At 60 I started up off nd on. Mostly off but when I was on I was verbally an ah. In last 90 days I drank on two Fridays.
My wife has her bags packed her money set aside and her lawyers phone number.
Compared to yogurt guy I've been a saint.
Get out darling your in more trouble than you know

story74

I would say goodbye.

Yogagurl

I just realized that I sound absolutely bat sh*t crazy too. Jesus

Carlotta

Living with an addict/alcoholic will do that to you this is why it is called a family disease and why it is good to have this forum so we can check base with each others.

You deserve to be loved and respected. Be kind to yourself.

lizwig

Your boundaries are being tested yogagurl, you had taken some really solid steps to put some distance between you. You won't be able to know how good that truly feels until you sit with those decisions a spell. If he can pop back in via text or whatever whenever HE wants to then you'll likely never get the chance to know what YOU want. He could be using this time apart to SHOW you through his actions...not his words....that he is willing to work a program. But instead he's trying to wear you down. Why on earth would you want to date your own husband. He needs help. Once he's serious about getting it and working it then perhaps a date night would be in order. Hang tough. You made those decisions for a reason.

jerect

Your husband sounds like my ex did the FiRST time I filed for divorce... I filed and he manipulated me by all of a sudden showing all this interest in me and I fell for it, hook, line and sinker....

You've already made the biggest step by getting out of that craziness... Keep moving forward and don't look back... Your AH is just manipulating you because you are upsetting his apple cart... He's not going to get better until better is the only option and right now he has too many options...

YearForMe

The most important part is that you REALIZED it before you ventured back into the bat cave.....


Whoever called him Yogurt Guy.....that made me LOL

subordinary

Yogagurl, your posts (and everyone's responses) have helped me better understand my own situation with my AW. She just entered treatment last night after being hospitalized for an overdose... and I already have thoughts of welcoming her back into my life after treatment. But when I step back and look at the situation, it seems absolutely crazy to even consider getting back on that crazy train.

DG0409

I know you can't legally drive the mustang away without insurance...so call a tow truck and have a tow company rescue the car. Not only is this guy abusive towards you, he's physically abusive to the car(he's already broken the ignition). Save the poor thing from further abuse! If you don't have a place to park it at your new place, you should be able to find a storage place that you can park it at.

On a more serious note: take care of yourself.

Yogagurl

Hello all,

I apologize for the delay in response, but I wanted to have the time to address everyone who commented on my thread because I'm SO VERY grateful to have every piece of feedback that was provided. This is SO hard for me. I'm so confused. I'm so heartbroken. I have done all that I can possibly do to make a good life for this man. I helped him get a truck, a phone, a life. I have been there for him and taken care of him through SO very much. And I'm being left with nothing. I was forced to leave my home, the home that I made, the home that I purchased things for, that I cleaned, that I loved, to stay with a friend (who I am very grateful for) and uproot my pets to go somewhere unfamiliar when they had such a good place to play and relax where I was living with my husband. I suffer so much because of someone else's addiction, because of another human beings choices. Not one person from his family has called to see how I am doing, how I'm getting through all this, if I was OK after I had to call the cops, if I need anything, what I'm going to do. It just hurts to think that I'm being dismissed so quickly because I stopped playing the game. I feel so used. All I ever did was GIVE, and CARE, and DO, and SACRIFICE, and LOVE. It's really just down right heartbreaking.



I'm currently working as much overtime as possible, so I have not had a chance to get into therapy yet. I do plan on starting back my yoga practice for the time being. I'm working 10 hours a day and on the weekends. I will get there, for sure.

I clearly have no self respect and the inability to make and hold boundaries. I don't know when that happened, or even why. I used to be a strong and independent woman. I feel that I still am. For some reason, I have allowed myself to fall victim to being abused and I'm having a hard time getting out of the rut. I'm working on this. I think that I'm having a hard time knowing that this person can move on without me, and will move on without me. I will be replaced quickly and without remorse on his behalf. Once again, it's heartbreaking to put forth SO much energy just to be kicked to the side but an addiction.

I'm 32 y/o, no children. He is renting the house without contract from a retired farmer and refused to leave so I was forced to. The only financial tie that he and I have is a truck that I financed on his behalf since his credit was sh*t. We have only been married a year, have been together 3 years. I can move on without too much to deal with from a legal standpoint. I'm trying to get over this hump. I wish I could just NOT speak to him. I don't know why I can't NOT speak to him. I think a part of me still doesn't want to "abandon" him. I'm still moving forward with the divorce papers so he knows I mean business. Or, so I know I mean business.

I don't know if I would say "relapse," it's more like, "OK, now what do I do?? I'm out. Now what??" I have been living for someone else for so long, I'm not sure I know how to live for myself. And I've been living under the conditions of someone else for so long, I'm not sure how to make my own.



Yeah - I got that. I'm not sure what the hell is wrong with my thought patterns, why I would even consider dating him, or trying to make it work. I blame so much of his behavior on his addiction that I just keep telling myself he's a good guy, but clearly he's a scum bag.


I'm in denial. I'm telling myself that he wants to see me because he loves me and misses me, not because he wants to use me some more. He insisted that he is NOT going to get inpatient treatment because he has "responsibilities" that he can't avoid. His plan is to go to meetings and get help from the local drug treatment center. Outpatient. He has committed to doing this before, but has never followed through with his intentions. I don't foresee that this time will be any different.

I'm alone in all this, with the exception of this forum, which I am eternally grateful for. I'm just pissed at this point. I'm mad that I have been so grossly taken advantage of by, not just him, but his family. I have been so kind and supportive. And now I feel I'm being kicked to the curb because I put my foot down. It just hurts.

Tom1949

Yogagurl I do feel your pain. I also have pain, rage,resentment,confusion, and indecision.
It does hurt so bad.
I am not doing a blame game. I have to own my own part in my sick relationship. I wonder what was in this for me..
Good luck
Tom

lizwig

Hi Yogagurl....I'm sorry you are struggling. I want to point something out to you, and I'll explain why. Often times on this forum people will ask for advice and when the responders don't respond in the way the poster wants...you can hear the defensiveness and tone in their replies. I want you to know while reading your responses it is apparent you are open and willing to hear what others have to say. You aren't being defensive, you are recognizing you have work to do. We all do. The first step is acknowledging it and you have done that. So....that being said....I'll comment on the rest. His family has probably been doing this dance for years. They may be unsure if you are going to stick to your boundaries and are in a wait and see pattern. The reality is YOU have to be comfortable with YOUR choices...regardless of what they think or feel. When we make decisions based upon what we perceive others thoughts to be we are shortchanging ourselves. As you begin to make firm decisions you'll gain more strength. As you stick with boundaries, no matter how small, you'll gain courage. You'll gain self esteem when you start consider your own feelings before those of others. You can do this. Clearly, you've been the one keeping the ship afloat. I almost laughed out loud when you wrote he told you he didn't want to do inpatient because of his "responsibilities"...where have those responsibilities been while he's been getting high? Oh yeah, you've been worrying about them. I'm glad you are reaching out, I'm glad you're asking questions. If you can figure out a way to make it to a naranon or alanon meeting do so!! It was really the turning point for me. If you can think of your relationship with him like you would a bank account. Who is making all the deposits and who is making all the withdrawls? Is he depositing enough to cover the emotional checks he's writing? You are the bank manager (of your own life)....if he is consistently overdrawn....what would a responsible bank manager do? You'd close his account wouldn't you? Insufficient funds. I'm not trying to make light of it...and I'm certainly guilty of making decisions based on emotions...the only REAL decision you have to make NOW, TODAY....is whether or not you're going to start putting yourself first? The rest will follow. Big hug to you today, Lizwig

Tom1949

hello yogagurl....again I say I am where you are. the conditions of my problem may be different but the feeling is the same. I too am in a toxic relationship. I should walk out but there are so many feelings at play here. I have never given up on anybody before and all my instincts say go fix this. my father always said you have to keep your house in order. I also love this person very much. so many things in our relationship are great and I hate the idea of losing them. The memories are so wonderful. When we were close it was heaven for me.
another thing is my place. This is where I live. I have invested so much of me in this house. I raised my children here. I have been on my knees on every inch of this yard. I nurtured my world here and want to see it completed.
I try overlooking the deal breakers. I have tried so long. when it got too rough I bought some beer , went to woods and drank till there was no pain. I won't drink anymore. the longer I live like this without drinking leaving becomes closer. I would rather die than drink or leave.
You are young. I know it is hard. If was not so painful I would be gone. Do what is right for you
with hope and understanding
tom