funkynassau

I came here recently to learn about alcoholism and how it affects all of us. I have a friend who is an alcoholic, he's been that way for probably over 30 yrs. I have known him 1.5 yrs. I broke off contact with him about a month ago because I just couldn't take the whining, depression, crying, manipulation attempts, suicide threats, harassment with phone calls, arguing about everything, quick to anger, all the things that are classic to alcoholics.

I'd never known an alkie before and I just couldn't bear having anything to do with him anymore, he's far too stressful to me as well as depressing. So I stopped talking to him and after a couple of weeks he asked me what's wrong and I told him, as gently as I could. He got angry and then he went on holiday and he is currently away. He'll be back in a week.

I feel bad that I upset him as it's not my nature to hurt anyone, but what's done is done. I am bothered that I ended what was not a good friendship from the get go, but I am glad I did it. At the same time I just feel like I need to apologize to him for hurting and upsetting him. The rational side of me says dont do that, let it go, stay away. The compassionate side of me says it cant hurt to apologize because I do know I hurt him.

I want to listen to the rational side of me, I think that's the better way to go, but the compassionate side is pulling at me, too.

What do I do? Sooner or later I am going to run into him somewhere and being the polite person I am I'd likely say hi, and then keep going. But I also dread seeing him. It's not possible to avoid him forever as we live in a small rural area.

Looking for guidance, and thanks for reading!
Funkynassau

DreamsofSerenity

Did you do anything that demands an apology? If so, you could apologize for that while still holding your boundary that you won't be friends with an active A.. If not, I would let it go.

You know from reading on SR that refusing to be in his life while he is drinking is the best thing you can do for him. Don't confuse compassion with codependency. You can have compassion for his disease while at the same time refusing to have it be a part of your life.

I know these situations are hard..

SparkleKitty

All you've done is make a choice about what you will and will not allow into your life. Sometimes the choices we make to protect ourselves and our peace of minds are perceived as hurtful by others. You were not vindictive, you were not cruel. You cannot do anything about how he perceives the situation, and all the apologies and guilty feelings won't change that. The only thing they do is allow him to continue to rent space in your head for free.

He is away on holiday -- why not enjoy this stretch of time when there is no chance of running into him? Give yourself a holiday from feeling bad about this. You haven't done anything wrong.

funkynassau

Thanks for the replies, you are helping me to be rational :-) No I didnt do anything that demands an apology. I set up necessary boundaries for myself and tried to explain why I did that. He doesnt get it, and I never thought he would.

I am indeed enjoying the time he is away but a week from now he'll be back...I know I cant control anything he does or thinks, the only person I can control is myself.

Yeah this is hard! I've never been in this situation before, it's uncharted territory for me.

Thanks!

LexieCat

If he was hurt, it was because of his own actions, not anything you did.

Let him feel whatever he feels. You didn't cause the feeling, and it isn't your job to relieve him of it. Most alcoholics have to tote up losing friends as another consequence of their drinking before they can realize what it is doing to their lives.

Hope4Life

I have a lot of respect for the way you handled this situation. You need to do what is best for you and I don't think you have anything to apologize for.

When he returns and you see him around town, just be cordial. If he gets indignant or rude, wish him well and just walk away. Not your problem....

I walked away from a whole group of people at my local brewery a few years ago. The drama, lies and BS just got to be too much. This made several of them angry because I would no longer buy into their game anymore. It taught me a very important lesson that those folks were not my true friends.

Good Luck.

funkynassau

Thanks folks. I do wonder if deep down he knows he pushed me away with all the negative things he does on a daily basis. I never was an ideal friend to him because I am not a drinking buddy for him or anyone else. So I do wonder if I was better than no friend, as he has none around here, and that because we had common interests in music and playing guitar and bass, that I was better than nobody. I felt that way about him, he was better than nobody. I accepted a lot of his crap because it is very hard to make friends around here, it's a rather oddball area! I recognized that very early on, dunno if he did or not. So as much as I hate losing even a not so great friend, it was necessary to cut the ties. It just hurts to have to do that.

He had no friends, and that doesnt surprise me, given he's as "difficult" as he is. He chased away a lady he met on an online dating site, I guess she couldn't take him either.

Thanks everyone, the compassion on this forum is wonderful.

funkynassau

Another question - is major negativity (like in almost every conversation) and what seems like looking for pity part of being an alcoholic? This guy I know always seems to be Oh woe is me...my life sucks...nothing goes my way...like he wants you to say Oh poor baby, let me comfort you...

FireSprite

Yes, it very much can be, although not necessarily a quality in EVERY alcoholic. Many A's feed off of the empathy & compassion that they get from others, it's part of the addict/codependent "dance".

I think I've seen it here referred to as the "Poor me, poor me... pour me another drink" mindset.

SparkleKitty

I can only speak for my A's (RA mom and AXBF), but they were pros at feeling sorry for themselves, and expecting others to feel sorry for them as well. My XABF pretty much made a living at it!

But hey, it's their right to do so. It doesn't have anything to with me anymore.

funkynassau

Wow doesnt that sound like him! I hadnt heard that phrase before but it sure fits. I was definitely empathetic and compassionate towards him, and now standing back and looking at this, I can see where he took that and ran with with it.





I think I've seen it here referred to as the "Poor me, poor me... pour me another drink" mindset.[/QUOTE]