DrSober

I'm at day 53 right now and the whole family seems to be doing fairly well, all things considered. I go to an average of two face to face Lifering meetings per week, usually catch another two online as well (and spend a lot of time here). I'm also going to 1:1 therapy every couple of weeks. My wife is also doing groups and individual therapy, and on the plus side, particularly after she has her 1:1 individual therapy, she comes home almost energized (often, but not always, this is the case after her Al-Anon meetings as well) - which I'm always delighted by, it's nice to see her with a spring in her step, a smile on her face, and loving words.

I should note that she is 6.5 years sober herself and she in the past used to do a lot of AA meetings for herself (she doesn't do AA now because she finds them "too gloomy"). Also I should note that she doesn't just go to Al-Anon exclusively because of my addiction issues - our mother-in-law is an active alcoholic, has been for years, and continues to drunk-dial her to this day (ugh). Also, my wife says, "I don't go to Al-Anon because of you or my mom, I go because of me."

Anyways, I'm starting to do what I'm probably 90% sure is future tripping. I've been noticing that my wife and I now have virtually no evenings where one of us isn't running off to hit a group. Usually it's her because she says she doesn't like online meetings. Yesterday I expressed this to her and said it would be nice if we could try and reserve one night a week where we were together with the kids at night, I said this probably would be good for the kids to have us chilling out together as a family. I said I would feel even better if down the line we could increase that to two nights per week.

She said that this sounds good and she said she could go with that (the one night per week thing for now) but reminded me that it's also good for the kids to not have family members who are active addicts or plain nuts. Touché!

I guess what I'm hoping for is some balance down the line (even when people aren't in recovery that's a difficult thing to attain with two small children in the home and with both parents working). On the other hand, that's probably not a particularly high priority at all given my 53 days sober status, and the fact my wife only just resumed going to meetings after a multi-year hiatus herself. We're both basically recovery newbies (her, again).

Anyways, I don't know what I'm looking for in this post, just wanted to share that I like what my wife and I are doing, but I also like simply trying to practice enjoying sober family time together. Is that wrong? I should note that I don't want to do any less meetings than I'm doing less myself (two face to face meetings per week now is my utter minimum). So in a way I guess I'm being a little selfish. On the other hand, why can't she try the online stuff like I do? I know there are Al-Anon online meetings.

Anyways. Thoughts appreciated.

Nattythreads

You were doing ok 'til you got to the last bit! Nothing wrong with wanting some more together time but explain why she should be the one to give up a face-to-face meet she feels comfortable at and not you? Not everyone finds the online experience fulfilling enough.

DrSober

Just to be clear, I wouldn't even consider asking her to give up face-to-face meetings. I don't want to give up my F2F meetings either. It's too isolating for me to do all of my recovery work online.

However, it would be great if she could use them as a supplement and that might be a nice tool to increase our together time - online is so convenient! I'm just nervous even bringing this up for all sorts of reasons (our early recovery status, I don't want to tell her how to work her program, etc).

jazzfish

Probably a good idea to make a chart of available meetings for the both of you and coordinate which ones are best for also giving you time together. This way you both have a say in how to get what you both want. Technically, meetings are not the actual program of recovery, but a place to share ESH and get support. I think it is important to apply what learned in real life. Someone will likely have to make sacrifice and that is part of being in a relationship/family.

DrSober

I think I'm just going to focus on us enjoying our one night "off" per week together and not worry about it more until some future date (say, maybe when we each have six months of this under our belts).

Nattythreads

Think you're absolutely correct about the recovery program aspect. It's her recovery, not yours. You're the one in early recovery here. She's got six and a half years! I wouldn't start suggesting what she should be doing as it obviously works for her just the way it is.

DrSober

Now we're getting technical. I would say that the frequency and/or form in which meetings are attended is part of how a program is worked. I don't want to be in a position making demands on her in terms of how she does that is all I'm saying.

DrSober

Actually, neither of us were basically doing any recovery work (well, almost none - I was attending a monthly support group) prior to my big blow-out and rehab stint a couple months back. We only just started doing recovery work together 53 days ago, so one could argue we're both early recovery, in a sense.

It's true that she has been sober/abstinent from alcohol and drugs longer than I have.

DrSober

I like your suggestion about making a chart. Thanks!

DrSober

I just sent my wife an email which I think sounded pretty good. Didn't ask her to scale back on F2F meetings or ask her to try online stuff, but stated my preference for making sure we get to keep our evenings together at least a couple nights per week as an eventual goal. Also included a brief review of our shared calendar (which we keep in the cloud), then I asked her to call me later. I think it was a good email.

Anna

One thing I know for sure is that Balance is key to my recovery.