Feeling betrayed
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Better than where I was
Posts: 267
Feeling betrayed
STBXAW and I went out for coffee while we were waiting for an appointment to do more paperwork. I love paperwork! We have been getting along very well as of late as friends and I have no desire to be more than that. I don't really feel a desire to ever be in a "relationship" with her and I don't find my heart pining to be with her, so, progress! Everything with the divorce is final and we're just waiting for the judge to sign off on it and send us the papers, so technically still married.
What has me feeling betrayed is while we were out for coffee she mentioned a pretty close friend of mine took her out for coffee. This friend told me during the divorce how he was on my side and listened to a lot of what I had to say, I found it very comforting talking to him. I don't think I'm upset because she went out for coffee with someone, hell, she was cheating on me so I knew she was seeing someone so I'm pretty comfortable with that thought. But my friend went behind my back. It was most likely a friendly cup of coffee, but they were never really friends before and only met a handful of times. Isn't there some kind of "code" about this kind of thing? If he would have told me up front that he was going to take her out as a friend I'm sure it wouldn't bother me like it is. I can't figure out if I am over reacting or not, I know I get pretty bummed when I think about it. Is it an unreasonable expectation on my part? I don't think its worth losing a friend over but I think I lost the friend i thought I had. Am I over reacting?
What has me feeling betrayed is while we were out for coffee she mentioned a pretty close friend of mine took her out for coffee. This friend told me during the divorce how he was on my side and listened to a lot of what I had to say, I found it very comforting talking to him. I don't think I'm upset because she went out for coffee with someone, hell, she was cheating on me so I knew she was seeing someone so I'm pretty comfortable with that thought. But my friend went behind my back. It was most likely a friendly cup of coffee, but they were never really friends before and only met a handful of times. Isn't there some kind of "code" about this kind of thing? If he would have told me up front that he was going to take her out as a friend I'm sure it wouldn't bother me like it is. I can't figure out if I am over reacting or not, I know I get pretty bummed when I think about it. Is it an unreasonable expectation on my part? I don't think its worth losing a friend over but I think I lost the friend i thought I had. Am I over reacting?
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
naw, you are re-gaining emotional integrity.
Your emotions are re-aligning with the conditions present.
Your "friend" is likely a dirtbag.
Good News is that means this is actually no real loss to you at all.
Dump the crappy wife, dump the crappy friends.
Every piece of crap you remove from your life allows quality to fill that place.
Your emotions are re-aligning with the conditions present.
Your "friend" is likely a dirtbag.
Good News is that means this is actually no real loss to you at all.
Dump the crappy wife, dump the crappy friends.
Every piece of crap you remove from your life allows quality to fill that place.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
I think you are overreacting a bit and she's winding you up. I would imagine she called him and said she hopes they can still be friends. (She probably doesn't have many friends?) He may never see her again, and from what you write there is no indication he broke your confidence. Before indulging in feelings of betrayal I would ask your friend about it directly.
Cross-posted with Hammer, who may be correct! I would still check it out before giving in to suspicion of your friend.
Cross-posted with Hammer, who may be correct! I would still check it out before giving in to suspicion of your friend.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
It stinks to me and I've been in some pretty alternative relationships in my life, so I'm coming at this with a very liberal view about what is ethical and what isn't.
An exbf of mine from 13 years ago friended my bff on FB (we all use to hang out together sometimes). She wrote him back and told him she was my friend, and that there was no point in them being FB friends, then promptly told me about it. I am so over the guy I wouldn't have cared, but the gesture touched me.
Neither she nor I would go near each other's exes with a ten foot pole. My exabf emailed her once for legal advice and she didn't answer him without asking me first what I wanted her to do.
Even if your xw contacted this friend of yours and invited him to coffee, IMO, it still isn't okay he went, and especially without telling you. I can not think of any possible scenario in which it would be okay.
He may throw something at you like "What's the big deal, dude?" and try to shame you into feeling like you are over reacting. DON'T BUY INTO IT. He betrayed your trust, period.
If he tries to claim that he didn't know it would hurt you, tell him what cops always tell me when they pull me over--something about ignorance of the law not being an excuse. If he is so totally lacking in empathy that he could not imagine how it would have bothered you, you do not need him in your life.
The fact of the matter is you feel hurt and betrayed by this man, and that's not how friends should make you feel. That's pretty much all the information you need. Our opinions don't really matter. Listen to how YOU feel.
An exbf of mine from 13 years ago friended my bff on FB (we all use to hang out together sometimes). She wrote him back and told him she was my friend, and that there was no point in them being FB friends, then promptly told me about it. I am so over the guy I wouldn't have cared, but the gesture touched me.
Neither she nor I would go near each other's exes with a ten foot pole. My exabf emailed her once for legal advice and she didn't answer him without asking me first what I wanted her to do.
Even if your xw contacted this friend of yours and invited him to coffee, IMO, it still isn't okay he went, and especially without telling you. I can not think of any possible scenario in which it would be okay.
He may throw something at you like "What's the big deal, dude?" and try to shame you into feeling like you are over reacting. DON'T BUY INTO IT. He betrayed your trust, period.
If he tries to claim that he didn't know it would hurt you, tell him what cops always tell me when they pull me over--something about ignorance of the law not being an excuse. If he is so totally lacking in empathy that he could not imagine how it would have bothered you, you do not need him in your life.
The fact of the matter is you feel hurt and betrayed by this man, and that's not how friends should make you feel. That's pretty much all the information you need. Our opinions don't really matter. Listen to how YOU feel.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Talk to your friend. Tell him how hearing about the coffee meeting made you feel. You will know better what to do after you see/hear his response.
In the meantime, try not to wind yourself up over it or fill in the blanks with your imagination. I do that to myself all the time -- 9 times out of 10, whatever intentions my insecurity is assigning to someone else are way off base. And in the case of the 1 out of 10, I have to trust myself to make a good decision about what to do about it.
Good luck to you and congratulations on your almost-divorce.
In the meantime, try not to wind yourself up over it or fill in the blanks with your imagination. I do that to myself all the time -- 9 times out of 10, whatever intentions my insecurity is assigning to someone else are way off base. And in the case of the 1 out of 10, I have to trust myself to make a good decision about what to do about it.
Good luck to you and congratulations on your almost-divorce.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
This sounds like button-pushing conversation. The After it's Over but Before it's Over-Over Don't You Have Second Thoughts About Us baiting behavior from an alcoholic. I would laugh with my friend about it: "Can you believe that she claimed you had coffee with her? What a ridiculous thing to say! I'm sure a good friend would not do something like that." And then if he stammers and admits it, the next thing I'd say is "Good luck with that" and walk away. Really, that's honestly what I see myself doing in your shoes.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
1) Don't trust your ex. She's your ex for a reason.
2) When marriages split up, folks on the periphery feel obligated to step in and much around to absolve their own consciences and decide which "side" to pick in the divorce. If it happened exactly as she said it happened, I wouldn't doubt it, but that doesn't mean you don't get to feel creeped out and betrayed that your confidante is talking to your ex behind your back.
3) If you are interested in maintaining this friendship, say something and go from there. If your spidey senses are tingling, dump him too, and maintain NC with your toxic STBXAW.
2) When marriages split up, folks on the periphery feel obligated to step in and much around to absolve their own consciences and decide which "side" to pick in the divorce. If it happened exactly as she said it happened, I wouldn't doubt it, but that doesn't mean you don't get to feel creeped out and betrayed that your confidante is talking to your ex behind your back.
3) If you are interested in maintaining this friendship, say something and go from there. If your spidey senses are tingling, dump him too, and maintain NC with your toxic STBXAW.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Oh Boy,
if in fact, they did meet for coffee I too would be disappointed in my friend.
Personally, I would not cross that line, and I would expect the same of those I call "my friends."
Some people just thrive on juicy gossip. They enjoy hearing all troubled details of others.
I do not consider these types friends.
Only you can decide where to draw the line.
Wishing you peace.
if in fact, they did meet for coffee I too would be disappointed in my friend.
Personally, I would not cross that line, and I would expect the same of those I call "my friends."
Some people just thrive on juicy gossip. They enjoy hearing all troubled details of others.
I do not consider these types friends.
Only you can decide where to draw the line.
Wishing you peace.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
My active imagination creates stories where there are none. It would finish the job that a manipulative A might start...
Maybe they accidently met at a coffee shop and it would have been awkward not to sit together. Maybe he didn't mention it because it was absolutely nothing and he knows you don't want to hear about her.
Don't create a drama where there may be none. Your feelings are understandably raw.
Ask him. Remain open. After hearing him, decide whether this is something that should/does affect your friendship. You'll know then whether this is forgivable.
Maybe they accidently met at a coffee shop and it would have been awkward not to sit together. Maybe he didn't mention it because it was absolutely nothing and he knows you don't want to hear about her.
Don't create a drama where there may be none. Your feelings are understandably raw.
Ask him. Remain open. After hearing him, decide whether this is something that should/does affect your friendship. You'll know then whether this is forgivable.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I have a question, why do you care? If he is going out with her how does that effect you? It's their lives and to be honest none of your business.
I think it really boils down to how does fussing about this help your recovery?
Your friend,
Mike
I think it really boils down to how does fussing about this help your recovery?
Your friend,
Mike
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I agree with everything Florence said. Maybe give your friend the benefit of the doubt. When people go through an acrimonious divorce, you of course want everyone to "side" with you. But you can't expect it. You can only let people make their own choices, and you make yours.
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Location: Pa
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OhBoy, I would be upset with that also, but only because they were never really friends, and had only met a handful of times. I think you should just ask your friend about it.
See, I have a different situation then that. We have a group of friends that all met through work over 30 years ago. We were always together (the group). When I left my ex, my friends took me in. I lived with them for 2 1/2 years and I now see them at least weekly.
I was best friends with the wife, and my ex was best friends with the husband. The husband does meet up with my ex occassionally, but he does tell me about it beforehand and makes sure that I am ok with it. Why wouldn't I be. They don't talk about me, in fact my ex pretends that I don't even exist. It's a weird situation but neither one of us divorced our friends, even though I do have them 99.6% of the time.
See, I have a different situation then that. We have a group of friends that all met through work over 30 years ago. We were always together (the group). When I left my ex, my friends took me in. I lived with them for 2 1/2 years and I now see them at least weekly.
I was best friends with the wife, and my ex was best friends with the husband. The husband does meet up with my ex occassionally, but he does tell me about it beforehand and makes sure that I am ok with it. Why wouldn't I be. They don't talk about me, in fact my ex pretends that I don't even exist. It's a weird situation but neither one of us divorced our friends, even though I do have them 99.6% of the time.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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For me the issue would be that the friend didn't tell me that they were meeting for coffee knowing what I'd been through & how I felt about things following the divorce, regardless of how it came to be.
Even if SHE intitated the meeting for some reason, I find it odd that the friend wouldn't call you up & say "Hey, here's what's happening, just fyi...."
If HE initiated it then it's just plain weird & I would be wary of continuing the friendship & certainly wary of sharing my private thoughts with him.
Even if SHE intitated the meeting for some reason, I find it odd that the friend wouldn't call you up & say "Hey, here's what's happening, just fyi...."
If HE initiated it then it's just plain weird & I would be wary of continuing the friendship & certainly wary of sharing my private thoughts with him.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Originally Posted by m1k3 
I have a question, why do you care? If he is going out with her how does that effect you? It's their lives and to be honest none of your business.
I think it really boils down to how does fussing about this help your recovery?
Your friend,
Mike
I think it really boils down to how does fussing about this help your recovery?
Your friend,
Mike
Whether they continued having coffee every night or not from then on wouldn't matter so much (like you said, it's their business) but I certainly wouldn't want to be spending time developing a friendship with someone that kept in touch with my Ex & maybe potentially shared info about my life with them that I didn't want shared. Kinda like damage control, lol.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Originally Posted by FireSprite
I can't answer for the OP, but for me I would care because it would indicate that I don't have the friendship with this person that I thought I did & that I might need to make changes where that relationship is concerned.
Whether they continued having coffee every night or not from then on wouldn't matter so much (like you said, it's their business) but I certainly wouldn't want to be spending time developing a friendship with someone that kept in touch with my Ex & maybe potentially shared info about my life with them that I didn't want shared. Kinda like damage control, lol.
During a break up, our friends, our privacy, and our space become so important to us. It is hard enough to get through a break up going NC but when you have to deal with knowing a good friend of yours is socializing with a person who has caused you immense amounts of pain, it makes everything even more difficult.
My ex destroyed the sanity of my life and is a continued threat to it. I don't want him at my yoga studio, at any of the restaurants I go to, or around any of my friends. I am protective of MY life. I also respect the privacy of his life--except when I do stupid things like begin a background check on him.
Really though, I don't go to any of the places he hangs out, or attempt to contact any of his friends. If a friend of his wanted to have coffee with me, I would think he was a cr-ppy friend to my ex.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
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Posts: 267
Originally Posted by FireSprite
I can't answer for the OP, but for me I would care because it would indicate that I don't have the friendship with this person that I thought I did & that I might need to make changes where that relationship is concerned.
Whether they continued having coffee every night or not from then on wouldn't matter so much (like you said, it's their business) but I certainly wouldn't want to be spending time developing a friendship with someone that kept in touch with my Ex & maybe potentially shared info about my life with them that I didn't want shared. Kinda like damage control, lol.
Whether they continued having coffee every night or not from then on wouldn't matter so much (like you said, it's their business) but I certainly wouldn't want to be spending time developing a friendship with someone that kept in touch with my Ex & maybe potentially shared info about my life with them that I didn't want shared. Kinda like damage control, lol.
I've already created a nice manipulative trap in my mind how I can "get the truth out of him" but I'm just going ask him. Just because I feel disrespected doesn't mean I have to show disrespect, I know I feel better at the other end of it when I take the high road.
It has also crossed my mind that she manipulated him into it and he got sucked in. She has been known on occasion to be manipulative (insert sarcastic smiley face here). She could just be trying to wind me up. There's a few ways to connect the dots. Time to let go of the outcome and let more be revealed...........
Thank you all for the wonderful advice and different points of view. SR is once again on my gratitude list for the day!
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Originally Posted by OhBoy
Just because I feel disrespected doesn't mean I have to show disrespect, I know I feel better at the other end of it when I take the high road.
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Yeah, I'd keep an open mind about it. No telling what the real story is.
Hypothetically, though, suppose they ran into each other somewhere, they chat a bit, he buys her coffee just as a friendly gesture. Is there a "code" somewhere that says that is out of line? Is she forever "off limits" to anyone you are friends with?
I think the only way "betrayal" would come into the picture would be if he listened to you and pretended to be your friend just to get information to get close to her. Assuming he acted in good faith as your friend, if he does nothing for the purpose of hurting you, I don't see that it's a betrayal of any kind. I can see how it would be uncomfortable, and potentially the end of your friendship with him, just because of that awkwardness, but I don't see that as a betrayal.
Hypothetically, though, suppose they ran into each other somewhere, they chat a bit, he buys her coffee just as a friendly gesture. Is there a "code" somewhere that says that is out of line? Is she forever "off limits" to anyone you are friends with?
I think the only way "betrayal" would come into the picture would be if he listened to you and pretended to be your friend just to get information to get close to her. Assuming he acted in good faith as your friend, if he does nothing for the purpose of hurting you, I don't see that it's a betrayal of any kind. I can see how it would be uncomfortable, and potentially the end of your friendship with him, just because of that awkwardness, but I don't see that as a betrayal.
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