O/T - The Dog Days of Summer
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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O/T - The Dog Days of Summer
Okay folks, just wanted to give an update on the dog situation because everyone was so darn giving of their time and energy to respond to my thread regarding my dog. The short update: It's better.
I've come to conclude that most of the difficulties that I've had with him were my fault. I haven't liked the dog from the beginning and while I've not been mean to him in any way by human standards, I'm afraid that I unknowingly was very cruel to him by dog standards. Rather than feeling badly about it, I'm trying to channel that energy into making amends.
I've mentioned in my first thread here that my wife came home to me from prison in December of 2011. She was there for twenty-four years. For Christmas I got her this cute, adorable, fluffy bundle of fur. He needed a bunch of attention from her and she was overjoyed to give it. I'd been waiting for that attention myself and was resentful of the dog for stealing the time I felt was mine. By the way, I'm not at all proud of this - I'm telling on me because that's what I do.
Anyway, so I put up with the dog. I fed him when his dish was empty, took him out when he needed to go to the bathroom, fixed the stuff he broke- but never warmed up to him. I spoke to him only when necessary and ignored him the rest of the time; he got enough attention from my wife after all...
But since I wrote that last thread about him, I've been thinking. He recognizes me as the alpha dog in the house and as mentally challenged as he is (and he IS mentally challenged) he's got to figure his place in the pack is forever tenuous if the alpha doesn't like him. His actions just reeked of insecurity...and I was giving him every indication that he should be insecure.
So I began changing my behavior. I'd invite him up on the bed at night for a kiss before sleep. I've asked my wife to stop trying to protect me from him - like when he's licking me incessantly and she pulls him off me telling him to "Leave daddy alone". When I watch TV, I've started petting him while I do so - or just lay my hand on him...some kind of contact. I make sure I talk to him a lot and in an upbeat voice.
When I get up off the computer to go get a refill of coffee for instance, instead of ignoring him laying next to me and trying to get around him and to the kitchen and back frustrated that he's under foot the whole way - I ask him if he wants to come with me and talk to him on the short journey.
Suddenly, when my wife leaves the room, he doesn't need to follow her; he'll stay with me. When I walk through the house, he's not invading my personal space nearly as bad as he walks with me. He's still neurotic and dense, but I can live with him now. Thanks for everyone weighing in and giving me a sounding board and a place to start with him.
I've come to conclude that most of the difficulties that I've had with him were my fault. I haven't liked the dog from the beginning and while I've not been mean to him in any way by human standards, I'm afraid that I unknowingly was very cruel to him by dog standards. Rather than feeling badly about it, I'm trying to channel that energy into making amends.
I've mentioned in my first thread here that my wife came home to me from prison in December of 2011. She was there for twenty-four years. For Christmas I got her this cute, adorable, fluffy bundle of fur. He needed a bunch of attention from her and she was overjoyed to give it. I'd been waiting for that attention myself and was resentful of the dog for stealing the time I felt was mine. By the way, I'm not at all proud of this - I'm telling on me because that's what I do.
Anyway, so I put up with the dog. I fed him when his dish was empty, took him out when he needed to go to the bathroom, fixed the stuff he broke- but never warmed up to him. I spoke to him only when necessary and ignored him the rest of the time; he got enough attention from my wife after all...
But since I wrote that last thread about him, I've been thinking. He recognizes me as the alpha dog in the house and as mentally challenged as he is (and he IS mentally challenged) he's got to figure his place in the pack is forever tenuous if the alpha doesn't like him. His actions just reeked of insecurity...and I was giving him every indication that he should be insecure.
So I began changing my behavior. I'd invite him up on the bed at night for a kiss before sleep. I've asked my wife to stop trying to protect me from him - like when he's licking me incessantly and she pulls him off me telling him to "Leave daddy alone". When I watch TV, I've started petting him while I do so - or just lay my hand on him...some kind of contact. I make sure I talk to him a lot and in an upbeat voice.
When I get up off the computer to go get a refill of coffee for instance, instead of ignoring him laying next to me and trying to get around him and to the kitchen and back frustrated that he's under foot the whole way - I ask him if he wants to come with me and talk to him on the short journey.
Suddenly, when my wife leaves the room, he doesn't need to follow her; he'll stay with me. When I walk through the house, he's not invading my personal space nearly as bad as he walks with me. He's still neurotic and dense, but I can live with him now. Thanks for everyone weighing in and giving me a sounding board and a place to start with him.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
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Suddenly, when my wife leaves the room, he doesn't need to follow her; he'll stay with me. When I walk through the house, he's not invading my personal space nearly as bad as he walks with me. He's still neurotic and dense, but I can live with him now. Thanks for everyone weighing in and giving me a sounding board and a place to start with him.
It makes sense and it seems to be working.
I love it.
Made my night!
Goodnight legna, and goodnight dog!
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Legna,
That is wonderful. I am so happy for all of you ! I was wondering what was happening with that situation... so glad you posted an update. So you are the Alpha dog --- that's quite an honor in the doggie world. LOL
That is wonderful. I am so happy for all of you ! I was wondering what was happening with that situation... so glad you posted an update. So you are the Alpha dog --- that's quite an honor in the doggie world. LOL
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Step 1: We admitted that we are powerless over canines - that our lives had become unmanageable.
It's odd how when we change our behavior, dogs follow along and change theirs. Reminds me of something else that I just can't put my finger on this morning.
It's odd how when we change our behavior, dogs follow along and change theirs. Reminds me of something else that I just can't put my finger on this morning.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by cynical one 
Step 1: We admitted that we are powerless over canines - that our lives had become unmanageable.
It's odd how when we change our behavior, dogs follow along and change theirs. Reminds me of something else that I just can't put my finger on this morning.
It's odd how when we change our behavior, dogs follow along and change theirs. Reminds me of something else that I just can't put my finger on this morning.
Legna, animals are much wiser than we are, they know when to spread joy and they know when to stay out of the way. We could learn from wonderful dogs like yours. Glad you two have bonded.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Hmmm, the beta dog NEEDS to feel accepted by the alpha dog.. Never looked at it that way, but so true..
Thanks for sharing. My journey with getting to know a dog (I have never owned one or had one in the house in my entire life) has been very positive - not the least of which is that a beta dog NEEDS to feel accepted by the alpha dog in order to feel secure.
So I segway (SP?) over to my AS. Even within the context of "minimal contact," he needs to feel accepted and loved by me.
Thanks for sharing. My journey with getting to know a dog (I have never owned one or had one in the house in my entire life) has been very positive - not the least of which is that a beta dog NEEDS to feel accepted by the alpha dog in order to feel secure.
So I segway (SP?) over to my AS. Even within the context of "minimal contact," he needs to feel accepted and loved by me.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Legna
The correlation between your experience with the dog and the addicts in our lives is amazing. Heck, this can be related to so many circumstances (employer/employee for instance). In our household, my husband was definitely "you"--the alpha dog, I was your wife (in this case the codependent trying to make everything "ok" by trying to manage the relationships of others), and our son was the dog. Makes it sound very sad, doesn't it.
That statement is one of the gold nuggets of wisdom I come to SR to search for......I love it. Sometimes simply reframing a concept makes all the difference in the world. Thanks for sharing and I'm so glad to hear that life is more serene in the Legna household!
gentle hugs
ke
The correlation between your experience with the dog and the addicts in our lives is amazing. Heck, this can be related to so many circumstances (employer/employee for instance). In our household, my husband was definitely "you"--the alpha dog, I was your wife (in this case the codependent trying to make everything "ok" by trying to manage the relationships of others), and our son was the dog. Makes it sound very sad, doesn't it.
He recognizes me as the alpha dog in the house and as mentally challenged as he is (and he IS mentally challenged) he's got to figure his place in the pack is forever tenuous if the alpha doesn't like him. His actions just reeked of insecurity...and I was giving him every indication that he should be insecure.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
great update! glad you and the pooch have a new "relationship" now. i just finished a terrific audiobook that has given me a new found appreciation for both of our neurotic and dense creatures (one is neurotic, the other dense!) - it's called the Art of Racing the Rain...told from the dog's viewpoint. very touching, funny, sad and insightful. speaks very much to the dynamic you mentioned in the household too! definitely requires tissue on hand at the end.
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