Tryn2understand

I'm 4 months pregnant and he's 17 months sober.... Hes going through a phase, everyone is worried he's in relapse mode...

What I'm dealing with...
Having a converstation about our wedding...
We haven't actually set a date yet.
He says. Nov 2nd is 3 months away I think that's too far away. So I think for a minute and say let's just get married me u n and the pastor. Then maybe plan a reception. We can do it sooner.
He says no I don't wanna do simple I want a lot of people there.
I say well then we need more time to plan and get this done. 3 months is ok.
He says he doesn't want anything to do with the planning anyways... Because me and him can never agree on anything...
**Hormones kick in**
Tears in my eyes I say
You don't think you can plan our wedding with me but u expect us to be able to last in a marriage???!!!

And he got beyond mad!!!!
- I'm negative
-I take everything so seriouse

He even said what the f*** ok I should have chose my words better but.... My god you take things to heart.

I'm so confused!!!
Someone snap me back to reality if I'm missing something here

brownhorse

Talking rationally to an irrational person. You have a lot going on! I would honestly put the wedding on hold as long as possible. The more time he has sober the better off you are.

Good luck! One thing at a time.

wicked

I am with brownhorse on this one.
Take it easy for both of you.
What are you doing for your recovery?
Please talk to some people that understand what YOU are going through.

Everyone is worried about him relapsing?
What about you?
Having a baby is a wonderful, beautiful, miracle.
Stay with that, and keep yourself sane and happy,
that will pass on to the precious baby.

Beth

Tryn2understand

I feel like me being pregnant and hormonal is too much for him to take. The harder I try to change how I feel and how sensitive I am the more I get stressed and it just makes everything worse. I feel like we are going around and round and gettin no where every single day. 9 out of 10 of the converstations we have are like this one. Don't know how much more I can take!

brownhorse

I am so sorry, tryn! Like wicked said, talk to people that have gone through it. I have felt the same way about my XAH and I was not pregnant. It has to deal more with his recovery than you being hormonal. It is very hard to take. I have seen many pregnant woman in Alanon. Take care of you, let him recover, then move on to the wedding. The baby will be stressful enough.

wicked

Is he not thrilled about being a father? He could choose to be sensitive to your needs
as a hormonal woman having HIS child. Pregnant women are hormonal, it is a part of
life, being emotional.
When the baby comes, there will be another life in your home who needs constant attention and care. (the baby, not the recovering alcoholic)
Please go to AlAnon and talk to some people who will understand your need to talk
and will help you.
I am a recovering alcoholic, and I guess that is why I am less than concerned about
his "feelings" here.
You are the one growing a life.
You need strength, hope, support, love, understanding.

If 9 out of 10 conversations are ending up in tears and anger, you need some help.

Oh my, you need a big hug. Your feelings are true and real. Do not try to change them,
you see how stressed it makes you, and that is not good for the baby.

Will you go to a meeting? Find someone to talk to?
Do you have any friends or family (who are not concerned with the possible relapse)
that you can talk to about YOU?
Your baby needs a serene, happy, secure, relaxed, loved and loving mom.

Hormones? I do not think so, I think you ask a good question, and his reply was not
to reassure you, he blamed you for the temper tantrum he had because he could not
answer a legitimate question.

What do you think you are missing here?
I am missing the part where he says "I love you and our baby. I am so stressed right
now I cannot talk about the wedding. Can we talk about this later?"
I am missing a man acting like someone about to have a child,
not a relapse.

I have a very low tolerance for men who speak to the mother of their children like he
spoke to you. where is the respect for you or your concerns?

How are you feeling physically? Okay?
Emotionally, yeah, I hear ya on that. I cried over coffee commercials, and guess what?
You get to do it again (emotionally labile) when menopause hits!
Have you felt the baby move much? So exciting! and all yours!
Do you know what you are having?
Please take care of you. I care about you!
I hope you keep coming back and sharing how you are doing.

Beth

dandylion

tryn2understand, You can't blame all of this on your hormones.

Everything that is wrong before the wedding will get worse after the wedding. The arrival of a baby does not fix a troubled marriage.

I suggest to enjoy the pregnancy and cancel the rest.

dandylion

LexieCat

Hi, sorry things are so miserable.

Yeah, I think I would put the wedding on indefinite hold for right now. You have a lot going on there, and marriages can be complicated to get out of if you choose not to stay. He's responsible financially for the baby either way, so I don't see any real advantage to rushing into a wedding while things are so chaotic in your relationship right now.

I'm a recovered alcoholic and if I were talking to him, I'd advise him the same way. He needs to focus on staying sober, you both need to deal with the coming baby.

Hugs, I'd let things settle down before making any legal commitments.

atalose

Yes hormones are up and down while pregnant but I think your situation has more to do with the fact that you both have only known each other for 6 months and now you are 4 months pregnant and wanting to plan a wedding with someone who is ONLY 17 months sober.

Maybe just focus on really getting to know each other and take it one day at a time.

AnvilheadII

why are you pressing so hard on getting married? as you said, you two can barely have a civil adult conversation as it is!?? take the wedding stuff OFF the table....focus on having a healthy baby.

17 months sober is no excuse to be an ass. he should actually be kind of cruising along nicely now....not out of the woods, but with some time under his belt. phase my butt, he's just being a selfish jerk. IMHO.

i suspect this baby stuff may be more than he bargained for. and then the pressure and race to hurry up and get married.

slow down. slow way down.

Carlotta

It sounds more like a case of the wedding jitters to me compounded by your pregnancy and his recovery (probably makes the experience even more intense for both of you).
I agree with the others, delay the wedding and try to take it easier both of you