hopestrength

Last night I was responding to responses here on my phone, my husband was asleep and woke up, asking what I was doing. I said sending an email. He asked to look at my phone without my clearing anything out. He read me response and then asked if I were leaving. I told him I was considering it. He got very angry and I was criticized for everything and anything. I also had found an empty vodka bottle and had confronted hitim with it. He denied it was anything recent and kept asking me how it got in our apartment. He was in complete denial and wanted to shift all the focus on me. I told him I was not going to accept his lies which pissed him off even more which increased his verbal attack on me.

I had to join up again with a completely different name. He didn't read my initial post, but fear he could find it because it is my initials I used as my username. Not very smart I know now in hindsight. I had started my initial thread using R L F (without spaces). Anyway, thank you for all the concerned, caring responses.

I know the easy solution seems to be to return to the state I just moved from, but it is not. Yes, my daughter's are there but they do not have a housing situation where I could stay, even temporarily. I know they would love to help me but they are not able to. Going back I would become homeless. They live in the East Bay of SF and rentals are very expensive, have very few openings on the cheaper scale (which is still expensive), and without a job almost impossible to get. The job I left I doubt would hire me back. I worked in an extremely dysfunctional work environment and HR saw me quite often with my numerous frustrations. I was there for 2 years. It was very highly stressful. I hated it but did my job well. Even if I could get my old job back I'd have to go through the entire 2 month hiring process and my money will be long gone by then. In addition to all of this my doctor told me about a month before I moved out of state to be with my husband that I have skin cancer.I didn't get the biopsy yet to determine what kind. I don't know what my treatment will be and how that will effect employment during my recovery.

This is all so hard. I feel my best option right now is to get treatment for the cancer, get a job as soon as possible, save as much as I can and decide from there.

Sally3127

I'm so sorry for all you are going through. I will definitely say some prayers for you. Keep coming back.

LexieCat

I dunno--would living in even a women's shelter be worse than staying where you are right now? You are having to hide your participation here because your drunk, lying husband is spying on you and controlling you.

If you went back home, at least your daughters would be near you for support. He's all you have there, if I understood you right. No friends, no family. Suppose you need some extensive treatment for your cancer. Do you really want him to be your only source of support? Do you want to have to count on him for anything important?

If you have no home and (temporarily, at least) no income, you would probably qualify for charity care at the hospital. The last two men I lived with were uninsured, and between the two of them they received excellent care on a charity basis for liver failure, cancer, and a heart attack with bypass surgery. It just seems to me that the longer you stay there the more trapped you will feel.

You can survive if you move back. I'm afraid staying with him will be crushingly awful.

sunnshinegirl

I'm so sorry for all you are going through. How difficult a time for you. I agree with LexieCat. I know I stayed way too long and it only got worse as each year progressed. You can take one day or even one minute at a time and do what is best for you. We are all here to support you. Everyone comes to their decisions on their own time and in their own way.

funkynassau

If I was you, I'd get the hell out of there and move back to your hometown and find a women's shelter where you will get support and help to get back on your feet again. Staying with a drunken snoopy liar is never a good option and a shelter surely is better than he is. The shelter people can help you find a job too.

skippernlilg

Oh my goodness, just within the last 6 months, I lived much like you're trying to live now. Only it was "barely surviving", not really living. I was stuck, I thought. I didn't know how I was going to get out. I had no car. I had no money. And I still have a child at home I have to raise. All I did was ask a friend if she would help me get a car (co-sign, borrow, something), and she wrote me a check to pay cash for a great little car. With the car, I could get to and from work and pay my own way. I couldn't depend on my A to pay any bills, so I knew I had to do this. One step at a time and two months later, A is out of our lives, and I'm doing it. I'm poor, but it's peaceful. My church has helped us in this journey too. I hope you think about some of the options listed here. Shelters, churches, just the goodness in people...Put it out there and see what comes back. I've been amazed. Sometimes being on the receiving end of a blessing is amazing because if you don't put yourself there, you'll miss out on the blessing entirely.

lillamy

Have you asked? Even if they life in efficiencies with husbands and small children, maybe between them, they could give you a spot to sleep on the floor until you find a job and a place to live?

It sounds to me like you are minimizing the problems with the situation you are in and seeing a lot of problems with the solution of leaving and going back. Of course it's going to be difficult. But not impossible.

OnawaMiniya

You can ask an admin to delete your posts if you feel the need.

I'm sorry for you having to deal with so much.

hopestrength

Thank you for the supportive responses. I was going to respond sooner but I do not have a personal computer and responding on my phone takes forever with the cursor throwing me off mid sentence into other paragraphs/sentences and my having to continually edit and place the cursor in the right spot.

Anyway, I do feel the need to respond to the post regarding someone saying I should go live in a shelter and that I was minimizing my current situation and looking for all the problems in returning to the state I left.

I feel that I am not minimizing my situation where I am now. Having lived several years in the East Bay I had the unfortunate experience of having stayed in a shelter (briefly) before and it was one of the better ones. I was told when to go to sleep, when to wake up, when I could eat and what that would be. Having a gastrointestinal disorder and severe food allergies was not considered or accomidated. If residents at the shelter are found with any personal food they are asked to leave the shelter. The horror stories I heard about the other shelters (rats running across the floors, bedbugs, predatory staff, and belongings getting stolen by others living there) made me at least thankful I was not in one of the other shelters. I was able to get out of the better place in 2 days and was so greatful because I didn't know how I was going to eat and not be sick from the food that was offered. Getting in any shelter there is extremely difficult with the overall homeless population being high in the Bay Area. If I decided to return to that area there is no guarantee I'll get space which leaves me outside. Having already been robbed at gunpoint while living in Oakland, as well as both of my daughters, about 90% of their friend's, and many of my coworkers from my previous job, it is not a safe place to be without somewhere to live. It's not a safe place even if you do. These robberies to all the people I knew occured in Oakland, Berkeley, Albany and Richmond. Pretty much all across the East Bay. Being so common that people get robbed that when I told people about it there is no reaction of surprise and then more often than not I was told about that person's robbery or all the people they knew who were robbed as well. Having to travel around the area with my cell phone, ID, credit cards and keys all down in my socks is not the way I want to live my day to day as I go about my business.

I am very close with my daughter's and we have all helped each other at times when we are able. My daughter's do not have a place for me to stay. Even floor space. If so it would definitely be an option. They know my situation and I know theirs and it is not.

I know I didn't say this in my other posts due to being stressed out and pissed off at him in regards to my husband's relapse and seeking comfort in my distress... I love him. I want my marriage to work out. I know he's an alcoholic. He admits he's an alcoholic. I know I did not cause it, cannot control it, nor can I cure it. I am not a new kid on the block with his addiction. We have been together for 6 years. It is not the first time we have separated. I have been through his drinking, hiding bottles, denials, lying, rehab, relapses, passing out, awful drunken behavior for some time. I've been to open AA meetings, Al-Anon, read the Big Book, and all I can get my hands on to read about addiction, and what spouses go through. I did not like Al-Anon. I've been to multiple meetings in multiple locations throughout the years and it is not for me. I didn't feel I got the support or tools I needed. I'm not knocking it for those that feel and get something great out of it, it's just not my thing. I prefer to read, get one-on-one emotional support, and online support.

While I can respect those that have left their alcoholic, and choose to never look back and keep going forward, not everyone wants to or for some are able to throw in the towel. It is not helpful (to me at least) to get the continous message to Dump The Mother F#cker Already (DTMFA). What I am seeking is how to constructively deal with my husband in the throws of his addiction in regards to my reaction to it. And while I do have knowledge about detaching putting it in to practice is very difficult for me. It is hard for me to ignore his drunken tirade aimed at me and I don't help my situation by reacting to it with anger. I know that denying, hiding and lying goes with alcoholism but it still pisses me off. I feel I'm being played for a fool. I know that is not the case. He's in denial and lying to himself so how can I expect to get it from him myself. I get that, but it's still hard to not take it so personal.

I didn't expect him to be completely sober when we got back together. That would be unrealistic. He's still battling his disease. I do know there is no cure and relapse could happen at any time regardless of when he reaches sobriety and despite for however long. I was extremely distressed being in a new environment, having left so much to try again seeing him drunk again. He is still going to AA, which gives me hope. The only thing I can really change is how I react to his drinking, and taking the best care of me regardless of what he chooses to do.

Just like him in his battle against the bottle I have to help myself one day at a time.

sunnshinegirl

Hopestrength, everyone walks a different path in their journey. If you decide it's best for you to stay then try to join Al-Anon and build up a support system where you live. There is no dealing constructively with someone who is an active addict beyond trying to make sure you are okay. You can suggest they go to Al-Anon but the only control you have is over your life. I learned this lesson in a very hard, painful way and wouldn't wish what I suffered on anyone. I think that's why you are hearing the advice to leave because so very many of us have been there and done that and we know these situations escalate unless the A is willing to get help. We are here for you and if you choose to stay, I'll just say again build the best support system you can and we're here to try to help in any way we can.

LexieCat

hope,

I certainly respect the fact that some people do choose to stay. My (strong) suggestion was based on the fact that you had so very recently uprooted your entire life because you thought he was in recovery and you immediately discovered he was not--AND he was treating you disrespectfully, if not abusively, already. I admit that under those circumstances I find it difficult to understand your decision, but it is your decision to make.

If you are determined to stay, I suggest you start building the strongest, most reliable support system for yourself that you can. Get involved in Al-Anon, take care of your health, make some good friends you can rely on to help you if you need it during your treatment and recovery for your illness. And stay in close touch with your daughters.

Flicka57

HopeStrength:
I was in your exact position February 2012. Diagnosed with a brain tumor and husband not there to support me. He actually started the divorce process and picked up using escorts. I got friends to help with my surgery and got it done as quickly as possible before I was to lose my health insurance in the divorce. You need to weigh out the pros & cons but please put your health care at the top of the priority list and take care of that first--trust me. I am now without insurance and second guessing myself as to whether I should have proceeded with the divorce or tried to talk him out of. I wasn't thinking smart & protecting myself at that time. . .the emotions were running high! So take your time and make the right decision.

hopestrength

I'm still with my husband. I had prayed to my Higher Power to bring me some clarity as to what I should do: stick it out or run. I didn't feel a strong feeling one way or the other so stayed in limbo status and stayed. I'm feeling now due to a major fear of the unknown, and fear of not having anywhere to go once I left. Things have gone from bad to worse.

Had a few days of him being sober which coincided with our 6 year anniversary. I wasn't as enthusiastic as other anniversaries and he felt hurt. After several weeks of dealing with his drinking, lying, verbal abuse I felt shut down, depressed, and not in the mood to celebrate much. He treats me like I should be happy on the days he's sober and forget the crap I had to deal with when he was drinking. I told him that just because he feels better for not having a drink in a day or two doesn't mean I feel better, and my frequent, negatinve experiences with his drinking seriously effect me. Said he understood. Doesn't change anything regarding his behavior.

Last night was Hell!! He had gone to help his best friend's 80 year old mother serve food for a party she was having for her swim class friend's. It was starting to get late in to the evening and he wasn't responding to my test or phone call. Red flag went up and the familiar sickening gut feeling something was wrong. Called his friend's mom and asked if he was still there and she told me she dropped him off at home an hour earlier. She said he was drunk and didn't know how that could have happened at her home. She said he staggered across the street and sat on a short wall/ledge. I told her I'd go across the street and take a look if he was there and call her back. He was passed out, lying across the wall. Called his name. No response. Just snoring away. Called her back to tell her I found him and was going to leave him there to sleep it off, and that's when she told me after our last call she discovered that her previously large, unopened bottle of citrus vodka was all gone. Only an empty bottle. She said she was very mad!! I was upset that he did this as well! This woman has gone above and beyond to help him out since he moved here (before I got here and afterwards), and for him to steal from her is horrible. Stealing from anyone is wrong, but this felt soooo wrong.

About 12:30am he stumbles into the house, and I asked him if he enjoyed his nap in the neighbor's yard (one of the times I went out to check on him he had rolled off the ledge and was wedged in a 1 1/2 foot space between the ledge and the neighbor's wrought iron fence). He denied being passed out across the street saying he was across town and just got a ride home. When I told him I talked to his friend's mother and found him passed out across the street up until a half hour before he came home he still stuck to his lie.

Next thing I know I'm being accused of stealing his phone because he can't find it. I told him I didn't take his phone. I know nothing about where it could be. He kept asking me to give him his phone. That he was sure I had it. He then takes my phone telling me that he's holding onto it for awhile. He finally finds his phone in the neighbor's yard where he passed out and gives me no apology for his accusation.

He goes to lie down on our air mattress (just moved in about a month ago and no bed yet) and discovers a giant hole with air escaping out as fast as he can pump the air mattress up. This bed has had a slow leak for the last several weeks and earlier in the evening I discovered the hole when I went to lie down, but didn't have a chance to tell him yet with all the other drama of the evening. I then get accused of destroying the bed with accusations that I poked a hole into it, sabotaged it, flopped down full body weight, etc., etc. He kept asking over and over and over and over what did I do to the bed. I told him nothing. I got on it and heard the loud hiss and found the hole. This answer was not good enough. I kept getting yelled at and repeatedly asked the same question. Which had the same answer. I told him he could ask me 100 times more and it will still be the same answer because that IS the answer. He still didn't stop harassing me. I told him to stop. He kept it up. I was in tears after about 30 minutes of this. I got a blanket and pillow to go sleep in the living room, and when I returned from sitting on the porch for about 10 minutes my bedding was gone and he said I will not sleep in the living room. Only next to him, which he demanded over and over I come to bed NOW.

In addition to all this when I finally got my phone back he had deleted his contact info, all his family members, his daughter's, and the only 2 people I know here in the state I just moved to. He denied doing this saying I had to have deleted all this.

I couldn't eat last night or this morning. I felt sick to my stomach with stress, and felt in some state of shock from all of it.

Still feeling in some kind of fog.

I will update soon. I'm at the library and will be logged off in about 5 minutes. Thanks for letting me vent!!

hopestrength

Just signed back in on the computer at the library so just wanted to finish my vent.

This morning before he left for work he apologized for his behavior last night and asked if I'd be home when he got back that he wanted to talk more about it. I said yeah, but then started to cry. I said to him what could he really say that I haven't heard in 6 years that is going to make everything okay, that nothing's going to change, that he'll still do the same thing over and over. His response was that he had to go and we'll talk later. After he left I was a crying mess. Upset at myself for having put myself AGAIN in this living hell with him. Only this time in a different state, knowing only 2 people here (his best friend, and that friend's mom), with it being 90-108+ degrees almost everyday (have a heat intolerance over 75 degrees), without a job, and almost no money left.

This morning I called the National DV hotline. I know what I'm going through is verbal/psychological abuse and needed to talk with someone there that could give me some emotional support in my situation. I got some local numbers and was told there is no shelter space available. I'm not really sure what I want to do. I know this is not how I want to live my life and I need to get out of this. I don't want to stay in this hot, blazing inferno desert if I leave him. I don't have anywhere to stay returning to California except a woman's shelter, and that's if I am one of the very few lucky one's that get in. I would be closer to my daughter's, but could with an extreme high percentage be homeless. And homeless without shelter in the Bay Area is extremely dangerous for a woman. My other plan is to get work, save a good chunk of money (that would take quite awhile with having to contribute to rent, etc.), then leave to California with more financial resources to rent/sublet when I got there. The DV advocate said to act like I'm not going to leave since my husband suspects I may bolt. When I've left him before he's taken my purse, keys or phone to prevent my leaving and I've needed a police escort. She said to act like everything's fine until I have and can carry out my escape plan. I ask myself how do I act like everything's fine? I'm not a fakey person. I'm true to myself and don't put on a front/a lie to other people. How would I fake affection/intimacy when I am repulsed by his action/words that come out of his mouth?

On a better note: Went to the dermatologist last week and the lesion on my face is not skin cancer. Thank God I don't have to worry about that now with everything else going on.

Oh, and I went to my first Al-Anon meeting since moving here. Not that impressed, but will return, and try somewhere else if still not liking that meeting.

unsureoffuture

Your post makes me feel very nervous for you. Your AH sounds like he is very controlling of you. Taking your phone and deleting everyone you know in town is very concerning. What he is doing is a form of domestic violence. You may want to call the local crisis hotline or domestic violence shelter and get any and all info available To you. You don't have to act on any of it right now but at least you will have the information you need if you ever feel unsafe in the future. It sounds like your AH's drinking is progressing and unfortunately until he is ready to get help, he won't stop. Continue focusing on yourself. It has helped me tremendously. I am starting to build a life that is separate from my ADH. Take a class or hobby you enjoy. Get to know your neighbors. Make friends there. Volunteer. Do things that make you happy. Please keep us updated.

funkynassau

I'm no expert on anything but if I was you I'd ask that older lady friend if you can stay there for a while til you have a better plan. I'd check into moving back to Calif. too. This husband of yours is more than abusive, you need to get away from him. There's no reason to think he will get sober and your life will be good with him. Find a way to get away.