What to tell the kids?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 10
What to tell the kids?
I haven't seen this anywhere yet, although I'm sure it's out there.
What, if anything, do I tell my children about being an alcoholic and the recovery process? My husband is supportive and will let me share as much or little as I want. Although he has said in the past they are obviously aware of the drinking, the slurring of speech, the passing out at an early time, etc. They KNOW I drink and drink a lot.
So I am hoping they start to notice positive changes. But I'm not sure I should or want to "tell" them anything unless they specifically ask. Any thoughts?
BTW, they are 15 and 10 years old.
What, if anything, do I tell my children about being an alcoholic and the recovery process? My husband is supportive and will let me share as much or little as I want. Although he has said in the past they are obviously aware of the drinking, the slurring of speech, the passing out at an early time, etc. They KNOW I drink and drink a lot.
So I am hoping they start to notice positive changes. But I'm not sure I should or want to "tell" them anything unless they specifically ask. Any thoughts?
BTW, they are 15 and 10 years old.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 8,642
I'm glad you clarified their ages Bellasue. I would choose to speak differently to my very young kids, as they don't need to know every detail. With your kids being 10 and 15, why not just tell them you have a drinking problem that you know has been maybe a little scary for them, and that you have decided to do everything you can to "fix" the problem. Tell them you love them more than anything and could really use their support as you recover......and then just see how the discussion unfolds.
Good luck and best wishes!
Good luck and best wishes!
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
I didn't really tell my kids anything, the positive changes of being sober tell the story much better than anything I could say would.
My oldest son did ask me why I didn't have beer when i was offered one at a family reunion, and I just said because papa doesn't drink beer anymore. He didn't ask anything further.
This really brings up some good and bad thoughts for me. I remember those nights too when I would basically pass out in the middle of trying to read one of my kids a bedtime story, or me simply not being a good father because I was drinking or drunk. I'm so thankful that i've been able to stop and try to become a better father while sober.
Edit=- saw the previous poster's mention of age. For reference, all of my kids are of pre-school/grade school age.
My oldest son did ask me why I didn't have beer when i was offered one at a family reunion, and I just said because papa doesn't drink beer anymore. He didn't ask anything further.
This really brings up some good and bad thoughts for me. I remember those nights too when I would basically pass out in the middle of trying to read one of my kids a bedtime story, or me simply not being a good father because I was drinking or drunk. I'm so thankful that i've been able to stop and try to become a better father while sober.
Edit=- saw the previous poster's mention of age. For reference, all of my kids are of pre-school/grade school age.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: London (-ish)
Posts: 263
I was worried about telling my parents. I've decided not to tell them. Any AA meetings or anything I lie at the moment and say 'I'm going to a friends house'. At the moment my parents really don't need to know the details, all they need to know right now is that I'm not drinking, which they seem quite happy about. Once I am ready I will tell them. So that's my experience so far if that helps?
sicknote
sicknote
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Bellasue 
What, if anything, do I tell my children about being an alcoholic and the recovery process?
They will find support in Al-alon family groups and Alateen.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Bay Area CA
Posts: 142
For me - it came up in conversation with one of my 13 year old twin boys.
He asked if what was in my cup was alcohol. I just said "no - I'm done drinking". He asked why and I simply said "it's bad for you". That was the end of the discussion - we just went on to something else.
He asked if what was in my cup was alcohol. I just said "no - I'm done drinking". He asked why and I simply said "it's bad for you". That was the end of the discussion - we just went on to something else.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Originally Posted by DrunkenBob
For me - it came up in conversation with one of my 13 year old twin boys.
He asked if what was in my cup was alcohol. I just said "no - I'm done drinking". He asked why and I simply said "it's bad for you". That was the end of the discussion - we just went on to something else.
He asked if what was in my cup was alcohol. I just said "no - I'm done drinking". He asked why and I simply said "it's bad for you". That was the end of the discussion - we just went on to something else.
I don't think we need to overcomplicate things or give too muchdetail. Actions speak louder than words and if they do ask you can say it's for health reasons/just had enough/ better lifestyle choices etc They probably know you have a problem and will just be so glad you're addressing it
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,022
I didn't talk to my daughter about my drinking when I was doing it, haven't discussed my not drinking, either. Just trying to stay consistent
If she asked I'd be glad to talk about it, but there's not much to say unless she has a question for me to answer. She can see I'm not drunk, not much to add.
If she asked I'd be glad to talk about it, but there's not much to say unless she has a question for me to answer. She can see I'm not drunk, not much to add.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
I have not made any statements to my step-son about not drinking. I choose to buy drinks that can be shared instead. He is able to see that I am drinking water, or juice, and most recently we enjoyed Italian Soda's together. I think actions speak louder than any words ever will.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: houston Texas
Posts: 7
My oldest is eleven and she definitely has seen me wasted. She knows when i have been drinking because she tell dad that mom is acting strange. I choose to explain to her about the sickness because i want her to know it could be hereditary and want her to be able to make the right decisions as gets older and also ask for her constant support as mommy goes through this positive change. I also agree it depends on the maturity of child and how they will understand what you are saying to them.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
As the child of an alcoholic father, I knew when I saw him start to walk up the path to the front door if he had been drinking, and had a pretty good idea if it was a little or a lot. I knew if it was going to be a bad night, or a very bad night. I knew if I needed to be very quiet at dinner, then have a lot of homework to do by myself in my room.
When I walked up the path to the front door, I could look in the kitchen window and see my dad and know if he was drinking. I always went first, and had my friends follow me, and if I saw it wasn't safe, I'd just turn around before they got to the window and say I'd changed my mind, I was through seeing them for the day so they would go home.
Then I would go in the house and try to avoid my dad seeing me come in because if he did he would trap me in the kitchen in a chair behind the table blocked in by the counter and harangue me for hours and not let me get up or go. My mother sat in a chair very quiet on the other side of the counter right under the telephone and next to the door to the garage where the car was. She said nothing. She did nothing. She just watched and listened.
As a result, as an adult, I can read what is going on with people very quickly, see their posture and muscle tone and facial expressions, hear the cadence of their speech, and understand what is behind what they are saying. That was survival for me as a child. It made me very successful in my career.
What I didn't hear as a child was that it wasn't my fault. That I didn't cause it. That I wasn't bad. That I wasn't worthless, because why would someone treat me like that if I was worth anything? That I wasn't responsible for it happening, and that I wasn't responsible for fixing it. Those were all things that I thought.
I wish I had known those things. Everything my dad did, I interpreted with myself in the center of the circle. He did X, because I did or I was Y. I wasn't any of that. It was him, but I didn't know that, and when i became old enough to understand it intellectually, I didn't believe it emotionally for years and years.
I wish someone had been honest with me then. But, then, they weren't honest with themselves, my father or my mother, so how could they be honest with me?
ShootingStar1
When I walked up the path to the front door, I could look in the kitchen window and see my dad and know if he was drinking. I always went first, and had my friends follow me, and if I saw it wasn't safe, I'd just turn around before they got to the window and say I'd changed my mind, I was through seeing them for the day so they would go home.
Then I would go in the house and try to avoid my dad seeing me come in because if he did he would trap me in the kitchen in a chair behind the table blocked in by the counter and harangue me for hours and not let me get up or go. My mother sat in a chair very quiet on the other side of the counter right under the telephone and next to the door to the garage where the car was. She said nothing. She did nothing. She just watched and listened.
As a result, as an adult, I can read what is going on with people very quickly, see their posture and muscle tone and facial expressions, hear the cadence of their speech, and understand what is behind what they are saying. That was survival for me as a child. It made me very successful in my career.
What I didn't hear as a child was that it wasn't my fault. That I didn't cause it. That I wasn't bad. That I wasn't worthless, because why would someone treat me like that if I was worth anything? That I wasn't responsible for it happening, and that I wasn't responsible for fixing it. Those were all things that I thought.
I wish I had known those things. Everything my dad did, I interpreted with myself in the center of the circle. He did X, because I did or I was Y. I wasn't any of that. It was him, but I didn't know that, and when i became old enough to understand it intellectually, I didn't believe it emotionally for years and years.
I wish someone had been honest with me then. But, then, they weren't honest with themselves, my father or my mother, so how could they be honest with me?
ShootingStar1
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hi Bella.
I posted this on a different thread a couple of weeks ago. Though I do agree that actions speak louder than words, sometimes both together can be helpful. Keeping things on the down-low can often send a signal that talking about our problems -- and our solutions -- is taboo.
. . .
Children don't hear everything, but they do see almost everything.
If they mention that you seem different in some positive way(s), this is your cue to tell them why -- that you're taking better care of yourself, and that this includes your decision not to drink, because drinking makes you ill.
Your children are old enough to understand what's going on, and so it's important that they feel safe in talking about it. Try not to avoid conversations about what they see and what they know. It's important that you be honest with them. As so often happens in divorce and serious illness, children blame themselves for the pain, suffering and chaos. Children also internalize the active alcoholic's denial, and are sometimes overly burdened with keeping the family's secret.
As the discussion progresses over time, it's also important for children to know that you have a disease (debates over whether or not alcohol is a disease are trumped by your children's well being); that what has happened to you happens to many people; and that there are other children who have parents with the same condition. This will help them to appreciate that you are not a bad person, no matter what you've done while you're drinking, and instead allow them to see you as a sick person who's trying to get better.
If they felt abandoned by you while you were drinking, the best remedy is to demonstrate a genuine concern for them and their feelings. Telling them you're a good guy who deserves their love is a perfect way to have them feel as though you're once again erasing their feelings, further causing them not to feel safe with you.
All of this applies generally for our relationships with our kids. The best we can do with our children -- really, with anyone we care about -- is to give them the honesty of our feelings. Some people call this love.
Finally, take their lead. Children can easily become overwhelmed by an outpouring of feelings, even when those feelings are positive. Allow your instincts to be your guide. As sober people, we often reclaim our ability to trust ourselves and our feelings.
This may seem like a lot. But it's also a tremendous and valuable opportunity that can pay off for them and for you for the rest of your lives.
I posted this on a different thread a couple of weeks ago. Though I do agree that actions speak louder than words, sometimes both together can be helpful. Keeping things on the down-low can often send a signal that talking about our problems -- and our solutions -- is taboo.
. . .
Children don't hear everything, but they do see almost everything.
If they mention that you seem different in some positive way(s), this is your cue to tell them why -- that you're taking better care of yourself, and that this includes your decision not to drink, because drinking makes you ill.
Your children are old enough to understand what's going on, and so it's important that they feel safe in talking about it. Try not to avoid conversations about what they see and what they know. It's important that you be honest with them. As so often happens in divorce and serious illness, children blame themselves for the pain, suffering and chaos. Children also internalize the active alcoholic's denial, and are sometimes overly burdened with keeping the family's secret.
As the discussion progresses over time, it's also important for children to know that you have a disease (debates over whether or not alcohol is a disease are trumped by your children's well being); that what has happened to you happens to many people; and that there are other children who have parents with the same condition. This will help them to appreciate that you are not a bad person, no matter what you've done while you're drinking, and instead allow them to see you as a sick person who's trying to get better.
If they felt abandoned by you while you were drinking, the best remedy is to demonstrate a genuine concern for them and their feelings. Telling them you're a good guy who deserves their love is a perfect way to have them feel as though you're once again erasing their feelings, further causing them not to feel safe with you.
All of this applies generally for our relationships with our kids. The best we can do with our children -- really, with anyone we care about -- is to give them the honesty of our feelings. Some people call this love.
Finally, take their lead. Children can easily become overwhelmed by an outpouring of feelings, even when those feelings are positive. Allow your instincts to be your guide. As sober people, we often reclaim our ability to trust ourselves and our feelings.
This may seem like a lot. But it's also a tremendous and valuable opportunity that can pay off for them and for you for the rest of your lives.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Sydney, NSW
Posts: 104
Is there really a point in telling them anything? Walk the walk. They will see it and that speaks volumes. You didn't explain to them why you were drinking when you were drinking so why explain to them why you have stopped. They will get it because they will see it. As parents I think we have a natural tendency to want to "over reach" with our kids. To over compensate, especially in sobriety. Don't drink, be there.
They are a hell of a lot smarter than we ever give them credit for.
They are a hell of a lot smarter than we ever give them credit for.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 1,462
You have been given some wonderful advice here already for you to consider. I think that a lot also depends on your family situation, your children's personalities, and their life experiences.
I can only share what I chose. My children are roughly the same age as yours, 15 and 11. I know they have seen me drinking and have seen it's effects on me. I also believe that actions speak louder than words. Over the past two years, I have had some wonderful stretches of sobriety have made some huge changes in my lifestyle and behavior. I would like to speak with them one day about it all, but think it's best to do that when I am more confident and comfortable in my own sobriety.
I can only share what I chose. My children are roughly the same age as yours, 15 and 11. I know they have seen me drinking and have seen it's effects on me. I also believe that actions speak louder than words. Over the past two years, I have had some wonderful stretches of sobriety have made some huge changes in my lifestyle and behavior. I would like to speak with them one day about it all, but think it's best to do that when I am more confident and comfortable in my own sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hillsboro OR
Posts: 25
My 10 year old daughter knows when AH has been drinking. she can sense it by smell, visual, and hear him talk. She has become a detective like me, she looks for the bottles. If she find them she dumps them out. Its heartbreaking. I never EVER thought I would be raising my kids around this. The other two are 7 and 16months and they dont seem to know like my DD. I am about to separate because I know this is not what I want for my kids.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
There seems to be a disconnect here. The children of alcoholics are not interested in why the alcoholic drinks, or whether he or she is ready or comfortable to discuss their alcoholism with them.
Children, almost as a definition of being a child, are centered on their own needs and wants. The parent's job over the years is to help them mature so that they can relate just as much to what others' need and want.
What that means is that a child thinks that other people's behavior is a result of what they, the child, has thought or done or felt.
To think that because an adult changes his or her behavior, the child will forget the adult's past behavior is just not real. The child's self-concept has already been shaped by how other people treated them. They just don't have the maturity to separate out that maybe an adult did something that hurt them because the adult had a problem. To the child, it is always their fault.
It is so important that the adult who hurt the child tell the child directly, in an age appropriate manner, "you didn't do anything wrong". "You didn't make me treat you badly. I did that because of me, not because of you". "You are good. You are worthwhile. You deserve to be treated well, and I am very sorry I was not able to." "It is my fault, not yours. You didn't do anything wrong".
If your actions have caused a child to doubt or mistrust their worth, you need to do something specific that they can understand so that they can reclaim their worth, their value, their self-esteem.
In my view, you are the parent, and you need to step up to the plate and fix what you damaged. Directly. And in a way that the damaged child can understand and in a way that lets them recover.
Just saying.... I lived it, and this is what would have made so much difference to me. Take what you want and leave the rest.
ShootingStar1
Children, almost as a definition of being a child, are centered on their own needs and wants. The parent's job over the years is to help them mature so that they can relate just as much to what others' need and want.
What that means is that a child thinks that other people's behavior is a result of what they, the child, has thought or done or felt.
To think that because an adult changes his or her behavior, the child will forget the adult's past behavior is just not real. The child's self-concept has already been shaped by how other people treated them. They just don't have the maturity to separate out that maybe an adult did something that hurt them because the adult had a problem. To the child, it is always their fault.
It is so important that the adult who hurt the child tell the child directly, in an age appropriate manner, "you didn't do anything wrong". "You didn't make me treat you badly. I did that because of me, not because of you". "You are good. You are worthwhile. You deserve to be treated well, and I am very sorry I was not able to." "It is my fault, not yours. You didn't do anything wrong".
If your actions have caused a child to doubt or mistrust their worth, you need to do something specific that they can understand so that they can reclaim their worth, their value, their self-esteem.
In my view, you are the parent, and you need to step up to the plate and fix what you damaged. Directly. And in a way that the damaged child can understand and in a way that lets them recover.
Just saying.... I lived it, and this is what would have made so much difference to me. Take what you want and leave the rest.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 49
I don't have a recommendation for what to say if you say anything to your children but I wanted to share my own experience as the adult child of an alcoholic.
For a long time I didn't realize that normal people didn't start drinking at noon everyday or that normal people didn't drink beer from the moment they got home from work far into the night. My father drank to escape. He kept a job and he was never violent or destructive, he was just completely absent. All weekend he would sit in my parents bedroom and drink and watch TV.
Sometime after I left home he got things together but we've never talked about it and here I am trying to stop escaping into alcohol too. I recognize so much of his own behavior in mine and I never saw the connection before.
It's not his fault that I have a problem with alcohol but some of the reason I didn't recognize it sooner is because his behavior was the norm for a great part of my life. Nothing about my behavior seemed out of whack because I was used to his already.
I don't know how your drinking has effected your children but great job trying to get better for them. You can do it! Whatever you decide to do in regards to communicating with them I hope it is healing for you and for them!
For a long time I didn't realize that normal people didn't start drinking at noon everyday or that normal people didn't drink beer from the moment they got home from work far into the night. My father drank to escape. He kept a job and he was never violent or destructive, he was just completely absent. All weekend he would sit in my parents bedroom and drink and watch TV.
Sometime after I left home he got things together but we've never talked about it and here I am trying to stop escaping into alcohol too. I recognize so much of his own behavior in mine and I never saw the connection before.
It's not his fault that I have a problem with alcohol but some of the reason I didn't recognize it sooner is because his behavior was the norm for a great part of my life. Nothing about my behavior seemed out of whack because I was used to his already.
I don't know how your drinking has effected your children but great job trying to get better for them. You can do it! Whatever you decide to do in regards to communicating with them I hope it is healing for you and for them!
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