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Resentment...need some advice

Old 07-23-2013, 09:26 AM
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Resentment...need some advice

I can feel a major resentment building and I need some advice on how to deal with it. I'm at work, so I can't duck out to go to a meeting and I already texted my sponsor, but she's also at work, so I haven't heard back yet.

Anyway, my kids have been staying at my parents' house for the last two weeks because of the involvement with Family Services with my family - me in particular. Family Services felt that it was in my kids' best interest to not stay with us until we got into some specific programs for help in my husband and my relationship with each other and with alcoholism. My parents agreed to have the kids stay with them.

Today, my husband gave my mom an update on the situation and explained that Family Services is working to have the kids back into our care, or possibly just my husband's care, by the end of this week. My mom responded, "Good, because this has really ruined my summer." My husband waited a minute to respond, but he did point out to her that having the kids didn't have to 'ruin' the summer, just 'change' it and that it was nice that they got to spend time together. She said, "Well, I guess that's another way to look at it, but it wasn't exactly quality time."

My feelings are hurt by that statement... I know that the situation isn't ideal, obviously. But we've gone to great lengths to ensure that this would be as non-disruptive as possible for both the kids and my parents. My parents haven't missed one of their social obligations because of this. Because my mom has often been this way, we make sure that if my dad wasn't going to be there, one of us would be, so that she wouldn't have to be saddled with the burden of watching both of the kids by herself. We are allowed to visit whenever we want, so either me or my husband (or both) have been there almost all day long every single day since this started. We buy food, we put the kids to bed at night, we swim with them during the day, we give them their baths.

My mom is a teacher, she has the whole summer off, and she has written off the entire summer over being forced to be with her grandkids for two of those weeks.

Sorry for the long post. I'm not good with resentments and I don't want to let this fester. I'm just not sure how to be OK with that comment.
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Old 07-23-2013, 09:37 AM
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Do you have a close relationship with your mother? Can you sit down and talk to her about this?

Unfortuately our addiction ends up affecting everyone in our family and it is affecting your mom as well in a different way. She could be just venting and it was the first thing that came out of her mouth. I think you need to give her a break. I would do my best to let this go if you possibly can. This is just my opinion though.
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Old 07-23-2013, 09:42 AM
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I think a good way to deal with any comment like this is to put yourself in the other person's shoes. What if you were put in charge of taking care of someone else's kids for several weeks because of their alcohol issues? You mention you've gone to great lengths to ensure that it would be as non-disruptive as possible, but remember why they are there in the first place - because of your alcoholism. Your mother may also be feeling some resentment herself and blowing off steam with the comment.
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Old 07-23-2013, 10:00 AM
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Good of you to recognize the danger of resentment. Appears the both of you have a ton of grievances to draw on. I don't know what your mom's resentments will do to her, but yours will drive you back to the bottle if you hang on to them too long.

Be the bigger person and swallow your resentment. Tell your mom you know this was an imposition and how much you appreciate her taking your kids this summer. Replace resentment with gratitude.

And don't drink.
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Old 07-23-2013, 10:11 AM
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I totally understand and agree that having a couple of kids dumped on you without any warning sucks. My mom made it very clear from the beginning that she was very unhappy about having the kids stay with them. My husband and I tried to make it perfectly clear to her that we would find another place for them to stay if it wasn't OK with both her and my dad, and they insisted.

My relationship with my mom has always been strained. Actually, my mom's relationship has been strained with everyone in my family except my brother and his wife. She is not close with me, my sister, either of our spouses, or my dad. She is not affectionate, and I've often felt that we were all obstacles for her, even when we were kids. Having my kids placed in her home unexpectedly is a true obstacle. I think I would have been more accepting of her negativity if she hadn't treated me in the same fashion the entire time that I was growing up.

I understand that my mom is angry with me. She always is, and she pretty much always has been. I just don't understand how she could transfer that anger over to such a generalization that having my kids around for 13 days has ruined her entire summer.

My parents are leaving to go on vacation on Friday, and, if the kids are not placed back with my husband or me and my husband, we will be asking my husband's parents to watch them. It's not as nice for the kids and it's harder for us because they live further away, but we will make it work. I would have done that from the beginning if I had known that this situation would cause so much grief for my mother.
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Old 07-23-2013, 10:17 AM
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Thanks, doggonecarl, focusing on the gratitude part for this current situation draws my focus away from the resentment. And, based on the other response that I just wrote, I guess my resentment goes a lot deeper than the current situation. But if I just focus on the current situation, you are absolutely right, I should just be grateful. At least her negativity isn't put on the kids. They are happy, cared for, loved, and having fun. Only my husband and I know that she isn't happy about it. So, yeah, I think I can follow that advice. Because you are definitely right, my resentments have often given me enough of an excuse to go back out and drink.
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Old 07-23-2013, 10:24 AM
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I know it's not nice what your mum said but turn this resentment into courage to beat this and have your children home with you as soon as possible, parents are funny at times and sometimes they don't have the coping skills we think they should have in such situations.

Stay strong and try to let go of this resentment, I am pleased you came here to vent it works wonders for our thought process.
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Old 07-23-2013, 11:45 AM
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Originally Posted by noexcuse View Post
I just don't understand how she could transfer that anger over to such a generalization that having my kids around for 13 days has ruined her entire summer.
And you probably will never understand, but in reality it's not important anyway. You can't change how she feels any more than she can stop you from drinking.

Perhaps her anger isn't just because of taking care of the kids - maybe it's a culmination of your relapses and drinking that have brought this situation on in the first place. But again, it really doesn't matter.

What does matter is doing your best to stay sober. That in itself will go a long way in eventually healing some of the wounds that were opened in the past.
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