Please help me - need moral support
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 2
Please help me - need moral support
I think I really need to type all of this out just so I can get it off my chest, and also in the hopes that someone here can offer me some kind of moral support. I am feeling terrible and indecisive. I know that I need to break up with my boyfriend, but it's so hard.
I have been with my boyfriend, who lives a couple of hours away from me, for a bit over a year now. We met online, and I had no idea he had ever been addicted to opiates (had used oxycodone for about 3 - 4 years prior) and was/is currently using suboxone. When we first met online, I was thoroughly intrigued because we shared so many similar interest, beliefs, common politics, etc. I fell in love with him instantly over the phone. We met a week later, and it was instant love. He told me right away he was madly in love with me and "swept me off my feet" so to speak. I ignored tons of red flags because I'd been in a loveless and sexless relationship for many years prior, and all of a sudden, I met this totally dreamy guy who was everything I'd ever wanted and more, and most of all, he LIKED me - hell, he LOVED me! It was very intoxicating, and for a good 4 months, I was head over heels in love with him, riding high on that euphoria feeling that only new love can bring. All the red flags were very easily ignored because of this -- the fact that, at 30 years old, he'd never held a "real" job, lived in a beachside resort town in his parents' spare home (which he lives in totally 100% free), had said things to me like "before I met you, I was going to throw my life away," promised marriage, promised when we lived together, he'd get a "real" job, had major issues having sex - mainly keeping it up (even though we had and still do have a very magnetic, intense sexual chemistry between us) wanted to get married and wanted to be a devoted husband and father, in spite of the fact that he'd call his mother names to her face in front of me, admitted having been addicted to drugs before (this somehow flew right over my head like it wasn't a big deal), and then, just before moving in with me, told me that he was using suboxone because his addiction had been bad, but once he moved in with me, "it will be easy to get off suboxone. I'll just be in withdrawal for a few days, but I'll be fine." this man basically promised me the world and more, and said the most charming, wonderful things to me that any man has ever said to me in my life. I was a total love fool for him.
Fast forward to him moving in with me, and things go down hill very fast. I assume that most people around me have good intentions and know to "do the right thing." He did not. After several months of staying up all night and sleeping all day (going to bed when I got up to go to work), he still hadn't made any effort to get a job at all. I wouldn't have cared what he did for a job, as long as he worked. What hurt also was that, even if he didn't love me as much as he said he did, I did present him with a great opportunity to get his life together once and for all by coming to live with me (I live in a metropolitan area where before he was living in a rural, somewhat depressed area). He made absolutely no effort whatsoever to get a job. My parents (who do not know about the drug use, because if they did, the **** would really hit the fan) were irate that a man was living with me and not paying rent or anything toward the bills. In fact, I was paying for his doctor visits and his insurance payments, not to mention the fact that he would call me every night on my way home from work to pick him up cigarettes from 7-11. EVERY NIGHT.
Eventually, I became very, very bitter and enraged over this set - up. We had a series of horrible fights in which I felt he was verbally abusive towards me. He insulted my family, which really crossed the line for me. My parents own the place I live in, and they threatened to call the police if he did not leave. I admit this was probably excessive on their part, and I wish I hadn't gotten them so involved, but at the same time, I couldn't lie to my mom and act like he was working and contributing. During this time, he had a Jekyll and Hyde like nature about him. He would turn into a total monster in 5 seconds flat, hurl abusive obscenities at me and my family, insult me in the worst ways imaginable, and then five minutes later, we'd kiss and make up and he'd act like nothing ever happened. Eventually, in February, I forced him to leave, mainly saying that my parents would just not allow this anymore (because in effect they were paying for him to live there too).
I know this all probably sounds totally nuts, but I have stood by this man through all of this. The way he made me feel when we first met was so intoxicating that I couldn't give him up. I also couldn't give up on the hope that he could possibly change. So, since February, I have visited this man EVERY weekend. I have also started the process of getting my own place in the hopes that we can move in together again and he is relying on that happening. But now, all of this negativity has finally crashed down on me (after months of indecisiveness) and I no longer feel there is any hope for this relationship. I am about to get my own apartment and he is really begging to move in with me, even though he said he has NO MONEY (has been working since he moved back into his parents place). I am so scared of him moving in with me. The thought of it is like a choking, strangling feeling. I just cannot support him. My new apartment is going to be more expensive and I cannot hold myself above water if I wind up having to pay his bills as well.
I know this is a hopeless situation, but I feel so bad. Part of me feels a little glimmer of hope that things can change, in spite of all this negativity and futility, but it seems to be more fleeting than ever. I feel like I'm really ready to be alone and to leave this relationship, but I feel so sad for my boyfriend, and I feel responsible for him. I have tried to talk to him, and even tried breaking up with him the weekend before last, to which he became very, very emotional and promised change. I visited with him this past weekend, and he did make some effort at changing his behaviors but my gut feeling is that it isn't going to last (and yet, i feel guilty, as if I am giving up on him too soon).
Please tell me how I can absolve myself of this guilt. I feel so horrible. Yet, at the same time, I do not want to feel responsible for this person any longer. I feel imprisoned, and I want to be free. But I am so afraid he's going to hurt himself, or go back to using hard drugs (although I think the suboxone is just as bad - he is very upset he has to use films where before he was using the pills and snorting them and taking benadryls). I feel horrible that he can't get his life together. He tells me that he couldn't get a job when we lived together because he was depressed and hates the area where I live, which sounds like such a load of BS to me (if you love someone, it shouldn't matter where you live!) and he has no excuse for why he was constantly asking me to buy him cigarettes every day. He won't admit it was abusive but he also has no excuse for it. Yet, he tells me if I give him just one last chance, he will clean up and get his act together. I just don't even want to be in this relationship before, I feel like it would be a relief to end it, but I feel sooooo responsible. Please, please, please does anyone have any advice for how to alleviate this feeling and just do it? I don't think he's going to learn anything until he's lost everything.
I have been with my boyfriend, who lives a couple of hours away from me, for a bit over a year now. We met online, and I had no idea he had ever been addicted to opiates (had used oxycodone for about 3 - 4 years prior) and was/is currently using suboxone. When we first met online, I was thoroughly intrigued because we shared so many similar interest, beliefs, common politics, etc. I fell in love with him instantly over the phone. We met a week later, and it was instant love. He told me right away he was madly in love with me and "swept me off my feet" so to speak. I ignored tons of red flags because I'd been in a loveless and sexless relationship for many years prior, and all of a sudden, I met this totally dreamy guy who was everything I'd ever wanted and more, and most of all, he LIKED me - hell, he LOVED me! It was very intoxicating, and for a good 4 months, I was head over heels in love with him, riding high on that euphoria feeling that only new love can bring. All the red flags were very easily ignored because of this -- the fact that, at 30 years old, he'd never held a "real" job, lived in a beachside resort town in his parents' spare home (which he lives in totally 100% free), had said things to me like "before I met you, I was going to throw my life away," promised marriage, promised when we lived together, he'd get a "real" job, had major issues having sex - mainly keeping it up (even though we had and still do have a very magnetic, intense sexual chemistry between us) wanted to get married and wanted to be a devoted husband and father, in spite of the fact that he'd call his mother names to her face in front of me, admitted having been addicted to drugs before (this somehow flew right over my head like it wasn't a big deal), and then, just before moving in with me, told me that he was using suboxone because his addiction had been bad, but once he moved in with me, "it will be easy to get off suboxone. I'll just be in withdrawal for a few days, but I'll be fine." this man basically promised me the world and more, and said the most charming, wonderful things to me that any man has ever said to me in my life. I was a total love fool for him.
Fast forward to him moving in with me, and things go down hill very fast. I assume that most people around me have good intentions and know to "do the right thing." He did not. After several months of staying up all night and sleeping all day (going to bed when I got up to go to work), he still hadn't made any effort to get a job at all. I wouldn't have cared what he did for a job, as long as he worked. What hurt also was that, even if he didn't love me as much as he said he did, I did present him with a great opportunity to get his life together once and for all by coming to live with me (I live in a metropolitan area where before he was living in a rural, somewhat depressed area). He made absolutely no effort whatsoever to get a job. My parents (who do not know about the drug use, because if they did, the **** would really hit the fan) were irate that a man was living with me and not paying rent or anything toward the bills. In fact, I was paying for his doctor visits and his insurance payments, not to mention the fact that he would call me every night on my way home from work to pick him up cigarettes from 7-11. EVERY NIGHT.
Eventually, I became very, very bitter and enraged over this set - up. We had a series of horrible fights in which I felt he was verbally abusive towards me. He insulted my family, which really crossed the line for me. My parents own the place I live in, and they threatened to call the police if he did not leave. I admit this was probably excessive on their part, and I wish I hadn't gotten them so involved, but at the same time, I couldn't lie to my mom and act like he was working and contributing. During this time, he had a Jekyll and Hyde like nature about him. He would turn into a total monster in 5 seconds flat, hurl abusive obscenities at me and my family, insult me in the worst ways imaginable, and then five minutes later, we'd kiss and make up and he'd act like nothing ever happened. Eventually, in February, I forced him to leave, mainly saying that my parents would just not allow this anymore (because in effect they were paying for him to live there too).
I know this all probably sounds totally nuts, but I have stood by this man through all of this. The way he made me feel when we first met was so intoxicating that I couldn't give him up. I also couldn't give up on the hope that he could possibly change. So, since February, I have visited this man EVERY weekend. I have also started the process of getting my own place in the hopes that we can move in together again and he is relying on that happening. But now, all of this negativity has finally crashed down on me (after months of indecisiveness) and I no longer feel there is any hope for this relationship. I am about to get my own apartment and he is really begging to move in with me, even though he said he has NO MONEY (has been working since he moved back into his parents place). I am so scared of him moving in with me. The thought of it is like a choking, strangling feeling. I just cannot support him. My new apartment is going to be more expensive and I cannot hold myself above water if I wind up having to pay his bills as well.
I know this is a hopeless situation, but I feel so bad. Part of me feels a little glimmer of hope that things can change, in spite of all this negativity and futility, but it seems to be more fleeting than ever. I feel like I'm really ready to be alone and to leave this relationship, but I feel so sad for my boyfriend, and I feel responsible for him. I have tried to talk to him, and even tried breaking up with him the weekend before last, to which he became very, very emotional and promised change. I visited with him this past weekend, and he did make some effort at changing his behaviors but my gut feeling is that it isn't going to last (and yet, i feel guilty, as if I am giving up on him too soon).
Please tell me how I can absolve myself of this guilt. I feel so horrible. Yet, at the same time, I do not want to feel responsible for this person any longer. I feel imprisoned, and I want to be free. But I am so afraid he's going to hurt himself, or go back to using hard drugs (although I think the suboxone is just as bad - he is very upset he has to use films where before he was using the pills and snorting them and taking benadryls). I feel horrible that he can't get his life together. He tells me that he couldn't get a job when we lived together because he was depressed and hates the area where I live, which sounds like such a load of BS to me (if you love someone, it shouldn't matter where you live!) and he has no excuse for why he was constantly asking me to buy him cigarettes every day. He won't admit it was abusive but he also has no excuse for it. Yet, he tells me if I give him just one last chance, he will clean up and get his act together. I just don't even want to be in this relationship before, I feel like it would be a relief to end it, but I feel sooooo responsible. Please, please, please does anyone have any advice for how to alleviate this feeling and just do it? I don't think he's going to learn anything until he's lost everything.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
If things are not working out now, what makes you think that they will get better if he moves in with you? If anything, they'll probably get worse as you have already experienced this in the past. Having him move in with you will make it a lot more difficult to get away from him if you need to.
The fact that he doesn't have any money is a huge red flag. What is he spending his money on? If he was serious about moving in with you, why hasn't he saved any money to help with the expenses?
Addicts are very good at manipulating people. There is a term called FOG which stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Sometimes our minds are so wrapped up in this FOG that we can't see things clearly. All of our time, thoughts and energy are focused on the addict and we end up neglecting ourselves. Why do you feel responsible and guilty for HIS problems? He is where he is because of his CHOICES and he may be trying to guilt you into thinking this is somehow your fault.
No one can tell you what to do, that's up to you. But if I were you, I wouldn't even consider moving in with him until he SHOWS me that he can get his act together and keep it together for a long period of time. Words are not enough, he has to follow through with his actions.
I recommend that you read the stickies on this forum. They may help you see things more clearly. I hope things work out for you and that you'll keep coming back. I have received a lot of help and support from many people here who know what it's like to live with and love an addict.
Hugs
The fact that he doesn't have any money is a huge red flag. What is he spending his money on? If he was serious about moving in with you, why hasn't he saved any money to help with the expenses?
Addicts are very good at manipulating people. There is a term called FOG which stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Sometimes our minds are so wrapped up in this FOG that we can't see things clearly. All of our time, thoughts and energy are focused on the addict and we end up neglecting ourselves. Why do you feel responsible and guilty for HIS problems? He is where he is because of his CHOICES and he may be trying to guilt you into thinking this is somehow your fault.
No one can tell you what to do, that's up to you. But if I were you, I wouldn't even consider moving in with him until he SHOWS me that he can get his act together and keep it together for a long period of time. Words are not enough, he has to follow through with his actions.
I recommend that you read the stickies on this forum. They may help you see things more clearly. I hope things work out for you and that you'll keep coming back. I have received a lot of help and support from many people here who know what it's like to live with and love an addict.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Anytown
Posts: 59
Phalaen, you sound like a very caring person. Addicts have great sensors and will latch on to a person like you. He is an adult male and unless he is handicapped in some way, needs to support himself.
But I really think this is less about him and more about you. Why are you even considering living with him again, after what he has already shown it will be like? Remember - his past actions are good predictors of what his future actions will be.
Please don't settle for this guy - just so there is someone in your life. Get a dog or a cat instead!!!!
But I really think this is less about him and more about you. Why are you even considering living with him again, after what he has already shown it will be like? Remember - his past actions are good predictors of what his future actions will be.
Please don't settle for this guy - just so there is someone in your life. Get a dog or a cat instead!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Knoxville, tn
Posts: 58
I'm so sorry about everything you're going through. I know how draining feeling all those emotions can be.
I will say that if I had known 5 years ago today that my husband was an addict and all the lies, manipulation and how much we would lose because of his addiction I don't know if I would have married him. It's not that I don't love him it's just that relationships with addicts are so complicated and often times loved ones are left feeling hurt and abused. So much of my life and feelings depend on his life and feelings. (Currently trying to change this) Not to mention we often are the ones expected to be responsible and hold things together. If you really want to stay with him maybe you should do some research about setting boundaries and sticking to the consequences if those are crossed.
I really hope the best for you wether you stay with him or not and that you find some peace in your life.
I will say that if I had known 5 years ago today that my husband was an addict and all the lies, manipulation and how much we would lose because of his addiction I don't know if I would have married him. It's not that I don't love him it's just that relationships with addicts are so complicated and often times loved ones are left feeling hurt and abused. So much of my life and feelings depend on his life and feelings. (Currently trying to change this) Not to mention we often are the ones expected to be responsible and hold things together. If you really want to stay with him maybe you should do some research about setting boundaries and sticking to the consequences if those are crossed.
I really hope the best for you wether you stay with him or not and that you find some peace in your life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Guilt has a purpose. It is an emotion that one feels when they are doing something they KNOW they shouldn't do - OR- they are NOT doing something they KNOW they should do. Neither of these things applies in your situation. Therefore, the "guilt" you are feeling is either not really guilt -OR- if it is guilt, it is not serving a useful purpose.
I would suggest that the feelings you have are the sickening feeling of being manipulated into believing that you have responsibility for someone else's welfare to a greater degree than they believe they have a responsibility for themselves.
Addicts are extremely adept at manipulation. They will tell you anything they think you want to hear to get their way. Your story of whirlwind romance is quite common. Addicts can be charming, witty, and attentive. They do it to get what they want and need. They need/desire to have someone who will take care of them so that they can continue to use. They will manipulate your emotional/psychological state to make you feel Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. This manipulation keeps the "victim" in a F.O.G. It's impossible to think straight when someone's full focus is keeping you off balance. This is the dance of addiction.
The important part here is that initially, you may be a victim....but when you enter into this with your eyes wide open (which they are at this point), you are no longer a victim......you become a volunteer.
I do understand how difficult this is.....every here does. We all have addicts in our lives and some of us have been around addiction for a very long time. We've been where you are. You can't love an addict sober......if that was possible, not one of us would be here.
The best suggestion I have for you.........take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
I would suggest that the feelings you have are the sickening feeling of being manipulated into believing that you have responsibility for someone else's welfare to a greater degree than they believe they have a responsibility for themselves.
Addicts are extremely adept at manipulation. They will tell you anything they think you want to hear to get their way. Your story of whirlwind romance is quite common. Addicts can be charming, witty, and attentive. They do it to get what they want and need. They need/desire to have someone who will take care of them so that they can continue to use. They will manipulate your emotional/psychological state to make you feel Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. This manipulation keeps the "victim" in a F.O.G. It's impossible to think straight when someone's full focus is keeping you off balance. This is the dance of addiction.
The important part here is that initially, you may be a victim....but when you enter into this with your eyes wide open (which they are at this point), you are no longer a victim......you become a volunteer.
I do understand how difficult this is.....every here does. We all have addicts in our lives and some of us have been around addiction for a very long time. We've been where you are. You can't love an addict sober......if that was possible, not one of us would be here.
The best suggestion I have for you.........take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i don't see where you have anything feel guilty about. he was a drug addict WAY before you entered the picture a mere year ago, is still an addict in active addict and probably will stay that way for quite some time. i gotta admit, it never ceases to amaze me when a 30 year old unemployed drug addict who can't get it up can still manage to snag and snare women. that's because he is a practiced PREDATOR. he knew the type he was looking for online and pounced when he came across you.
your own desperate NEED for love and affection put you in the bullseye. and then he set about setting the trap and reeling you in.....even so far as to move in with you and have you pay his bills. and turn mean and nasty and ugly.
don't fret about poor him. he'll just go back on the hunt and snag another willing enabler. would not be at all suprised if he has one or two already lined up.
DO NOT move him in again. he has shown you what he is really about. and none of it is good. put this all behind you and learn the very valuable lessons there are to be learned, and move on stronger and wiser.
your own desperate NEED for love and affection put you in the bullseye. and then he set about setting the trap and reeling you in.....even so far as to move in with you and have you pay his bills. and turn mean and nasty and ugly.
don't fret about poor him. he'll just go back on the hunt and snag another willing enabler. would not be at all suprised if he has one or two already lined up.
DO NOT move him in again. he has shown you what he is really about. and none of it is good. put this all behind you and learn the very valuable lessons there are to be learned, and move on stronger and wiser.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I don't think he's going to learn anything until he's lost everything.
non-working with expensive habits (smoking cigarettes) less than a man.
but I feel sooooo responsible.
He is a grown man who has already shown you he lies, manipulates and uses you to
get what he wants.
Please leave him in your past.
Then, talk to someone about your willingness to give up your life for someone who is
not even living his.
I am so sorry for your broken heart. You described that rush of feeling loved so well,
I remember and I understand. The best thing for you is to let go of that albatross,
and fly away.
Beth
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Are you sure your boyfriend is not my ex husband.... Because your story sounds eerily familiar..
If he's this way at 30, he's gonna be this way at 40 and 50 etc... Why should he get a job when he has someone paying his way...
Get out now before he sucks you dry, financially, mentally and spiritually... Trust me on this.. I've been in your shoes and wished that I had gotten the hell out of there when the first red flag appeared
If he's this way at 30, he's gonna be this way at 40 and 50 etc... Why should he get a job when he has someone paying his way...
Get out now before he sucks you dry, financially, mentally and spiritually... Trust me on this.. I've been in your shoes and wished that I had gotten the hell out of there when the first red flag appeared
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Atlanta, Ga
Posts: 42
Phalaen,
Just because you love someone, doesn't mean you have to be with them. Sometimes, people come into our lives for a season....we learn a lesson from them....and we move on and hope that they will get their life together. Don't let anyone drag you down and keep you from achieving all of your dreams. 30 is a young age, but you'd be surprised how fast the years are going to fly by now....and I hope you make the best choice for YOU. Good luck. Peach
Just because you love someone, doesn't mean you have to be with them. Sometimes, people come into our lives for a season....we learn a lesson from them....and we move on and hope that they will get their life together. Don't let anyone drag you down and keep you from achieving all of your dreams. 30 is a young age, but you'd be surprised how fast the years are going to fly by now....and I hope you make the best choice for YOU. Good luck. Peach
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