DrSober

I think I might have given myself some PTSD (from almost losing my life and liberty on a couple of occasions, from putting myself in horrific places).

Which is crazy because that means I terrorized myself. How nuts is that?

AugustWest11

In a sense; I think we have all terrorized ourselves .. I know looking back at the things I have done & been through; it surely left a mark on my brain as well as body .. Not to mention being sober; I see as terrorizing myself even more lol .. Having to face the "issues" I have tried to escape for 29 years is rather hard on my fragile state right now :p

MsJax

Yes I do. I am horrified about how I disrespected my life. All the lost time, lost memories. Stupidity, not living authentically as I was loaded all the time.

It is ok tho. I am very thankful for my life and to have this opportunity for a good rest of my life. I really don't think I would feel like this if I hadn't had the battle.

enochovich

Definitely, I feel like I put myself and those that cared about me through so much unecessary negativity. I myself am tramatized from my experiences during my addiction: my stint in prison, my absolute feeling of lonliness and despair. I was so self destructive it's sad to think about. I was destroying myself and only creating harm in the world. Thankgod I am 9 months clean now, in college and working my recovery. I am scared in a sense but that is ultimately a blessing because if i wasn't I might forget, and I hope I never forget, never become complacent, never regress.

BabyJane

Good topic - yes I think I did for sure. On two specific occasions especially - once when I went into a drunken blackout for two whole days and woke up in the hospital ICU basically buckled to the bed with deeps cuts on both wrists and one Achilles' tendon sewed shut (it was a suicide attempt I guess but I don't remember planning it or even wanting to do something so awful) and the second one I won't even mention in detail but had to do with me putting myself in a situation where a man and his friend assaulted me. I was trying to score drugs from them though. I put myself in that room. I would never do it again.

There are so many things I saw... Really sad things. I could elaborate but you know and I know that dwelling too much isn't good I just said what I said to drive home the grave importance of all of us getting and staying sober! I saw people die. I could have died. What saved me is nothing but grace or luck I suppose...

I'm glad I can heal my soul. I felt broken for a long time but its getting better. The traumatic things I saw and experienced were awful but now when I have a good day or when I feel happy and safe I have such a deeper gratitude. I know how bad it can get and it could always have been WORSE so I won't relapse today lest I find out what my "yets" might be....

Nonsensical

I have a bit of a different take on it. I did awful things, and I can't believe I don't feel more traumatized by them. I can't believe after doing some of them I listened to that insipid addiction tell me it was OK, and I went out and did more of them. I should have been much more horrified much sooner.

Lightning Bug

I am horrified by my thoughts, actions, and words. I am disappointed and ashamed. I am not traumatized.

Nuudawn

Traumatized? Maybe. Abused? Definitely.

mecanix

If it's possible to traumatize yourself it must be possible to be your own un-traumatist (therapist) , sometimes it takes a bit of traction or external input to get going .

Bestwishes, m

deeker

It's in the past, I gave it to God.

Only have today now to be concerned with. I am grateful I lived through the past but I know there is always someone who went through worse.

I'm good now. The past made me who I am today. Stronger.

outoftime

Without a doubt I have. It's almost like the wolf man after he turns back into a person, but remembers all the horrific things he did as a wolf.

Nuudawn

Love that.

flutter

In one of my sessions with my counselor, he said something about this.. he was like "so we should talk about the trauma you've gone through as an active alcoholic".. it was the first time someone acknowledged without judgment how the experience I had was actually traumatic and not completely selfish, crazy, lazy, etc.. I totally broke down, it felt really good to acknowledge this part of it, and took some work to get through.

LDT

I feel not unlike a war veteran. I went through my own "war". I survived. I continue to heal. I'll never forget it, but I am no longer paralyzed by the memories.

Lionhearted1

Great thread Its something I have been thinking about recently I have with out doubt traumatized myself with the actions I have done and iam sure traumatized a few people along the way also... But iam as of now committed to change and I will heal myself...

Twofish

As a parent of addicted children, I feel the stress and pain of being a failure in my job of being a mom. Maybe, "PTSD" from all the lies, stealing and betrayal my children has given to me. And the thought of their future, very stressful. And I never saw it coming until it was right on top of me(and my husband, son, parents, in laws, friends, etc)