Addict Sister, dangerously codepedent mum
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Scotland
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Addict Sister, dangerously codepedent mum
This is my first post, all advice gratefully received.
My sister has been a heroin addict for more than 20 years, at first I did my best to fix what I saw as her problems but over the years I learned to let go. She is a horribly manipulative person and she makes it difficult to love her due to her lack of respect for the boundaries I have had to put into place to protect my own mental health and that in her emotional development she still behaves like a teenager.
The major problem is my mothers codependency, she pays my sisters rent, her bills, drives her around, my sibling has never worked. My mother has almost bankrupted herself paying off dealers over the years, she drives a 50 mile round trip to bring her a cup of starbucks coffee on a monday morning before she then heads to work! My sister claims to have agoraphobia so my mother has to do everything for her
Things have gotten worse over the last year. Social services have taken her daughter into care, which was inevitable once she came to the authorities attention. However as far as my mother is concerned it is everybody else' s fault, the school is lying, social services are lying, the childrens panel are lying, anybody is to blame apart from my sister.
I am having to watch my mothers health deteriorate, she is talking about giving up her job so can drive my sister to official meetings, visit her daughter and my refusal to back up my sisters lies to social services means I am facing a lot of aggression and my mother is barely speaking to me. I have no idea how to make my mother realize that she is being used, that she can't give up working and that she is killing herself through stress.
My sister has been a heroin addict for more than 20 years, at first I did my best to fix what I saw as her problems but over the years I learned to let go. She is a horribly manipulative person and she makes it difficult to love her due to her lack of respect for the boundaries I have had to put into place to protect my own mental health and that in her emotional development she still behaves like a teenager.
The major problem is my mothers codependency, she pays my sisters rent, her bills, drives her around, my sibling has never worked. My mother has almost bankrupted herself paying off dealers over the years, she drives a 50 mile round trip to bring her a cup of starbucks coffee on a monday morning before she then heads to work! My sister claims to have agoraphobia so my mother has to do everything for her
Things have gotten worse over the last year. Social services have taken her daughter into care, which was inevitable once she came to the authorities attention. However as far as my mother is concerned it is everybody else' s fault, the school is lying, social services are lying, the childrens panel are lying, anybody is to blame apart from my sister.
I am having to watch my mothers health deteriorate, she is talking about giving up her job so can drive my sister to official meetings, visit her daughter and my refusal to back up my sisters lies to social services means I am facing a lot of aggression and my mother is barely speaking to me. I have no idea how to make my mother realize that she is being used, that she can't give up working and that she is killing herself through stress.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Good Morning L1brary. I'm really sorry for what has brought you here and recognize the strength it takes to reach out. I wish I could give you some great advice in regards to your sister and mum. Your mum has to reach her own rock bottom....It does sound as if you've put some really good boundaries in place. You wouldn't be doing your niece any favors if you weren't honest about your sister and her current state. She sounds extrememly manipulative, as are most addicts. I've found with my son whenever I put boundaries in place he would act up even more against them....in a sense his addictive voice was trying to bully me into backing down. Stand firm in what is right for you, your life, your sanity.
This is a great site for finding encouragement, support and advice. Others will be along shortly. Welcome!
This is a great site for finding encouragement, support and advice. Others will be along shortly. Welcome!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: WA
Posts: 124
As the mother of a heroin addict daughter I can only tell you my feelings about enabling.
(I'm speaking as a mom who is desperately trying to stop enabling and reacting to my CHILD and giving my ADULT her own life back. Please don't take this as excusing a mom's behavior...I'm preaching to myself.)
I think I can save her from herself, and if not that, then at least I can try and control her environment and make sure she doesn't degrade herself further to get drugs.
I feel guilty when I think she's suffering-lonely-sad-cold-hungry-thirsty-hot-on and on and on.
I still see her as my toddler.
I have a built in (God-given!) instinct to keep her well and safe.
I - somewhere deep down - wonder and think I must have done something wrong or not seen the signs soon enough so the least I can do is help NOW.
I want to believe the best in her and feel showing her unconditional love will help her see the light.
I see the wonderful child and teenager and young woman she was and can't believe that person would lie to me. (She's almost 30 - this started only 4 years ago.)
I'M HER MOTHER and mothers HELP.
All of those are admirable traits and reasons. But they are only hurting ME and her in this case. It's so hard as a mom to believe this situation. We are so far down the Denial River we simply have lost sight of how much this is costing - financially and emotionally.
Your mom is ADDICTED to her addict. Plain and simple. It's so easy to do because, usually, this sneaks up on us.
At first...oh, yeah, we can fix this.
Later...well, it's bad, but we can get through and fix this.
Even later...it's REALLY awful-sucky-bad, but I'm so far in might as well try - just maybe, MAYBE we can still fix this.
By the time you realize you are completely immersed in the addiction just as much as the addict, and they've grown accustomed to your help and your life is so wrapped up in them, this is all you now know.
(I'm speaking as a mom who is desperately trying to stop enabling and reacting to my CHILD and giving my ADULT her own life back. Please don't take this as excusing a mom's behavior...I'm preaching to myself.)
I think I can save her from herself, and if not that, then at least I can try and control her environment and make sure she doesn't degrade herself further to get drugs.
I feel guilty when I think she's suffering-lonely-sad-cold-hungry-thirsty-hot-on and on and on.
I still see her as my toddler.
I have a built in (God-given!) instinct to keep her well and safe.
I - somewhere deep down - wonder and think I must have done something wrong or not seen the signs soon enough so the least I can do is help NOW.
I want to believe the best in her and feel showing her unconditional love will help her see the light.
I see the wonderful child and teenager and young woman she was and can't believe that person would lie to me. (She's almost 30 - this started only 4 years ago.)
I'M HER MOTHER and mothers HELP.
All of those are admirable traits and reasons. But they are only hurting ME and her in this case. It's so hard as a mom to believe this situation. We are so far down the Denial River we simply have lost sight of how much this is costing - financially and emotionally.
Your mom is ADDICTED to her addict. Plain and simple. It's so easy to do because, usually, this sneaks up on us.
At first...oh, yeah, we can fix this.
Later...well, it's bad, but we can get through and fix this.
Even later...it's REALLY awful-sucky-bad, but I'm so far in might as well try - just maybe, MAYBE we can still fix this.
By the time you realize you are completely immersed in the addiction just as much as the addict, and they've grown accustomed to your help and your life is so wrapped up in them, this is all you now know.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
When its first sank in that my son was an addict, in my research, I first read the book by Charles Rubin, Don't let your kids kill you.. While the lessons taught in the book (Father was addicted to his two addicted son's) did not fully register in the beginning I now realize the essential truth of addiction and its effect on parents.
Its so difficult for parents to stop enabling. The love for our children is programmed into our genes. To "un-enable" is an unnatural act - but it is essential for recovery of not only the co-dependent but the addict. The addict and co-dependent are locked into a destructive dance which they are not able to stop unless one of them gives up (most likely the co-de, as their addiction is a lot less severe).
My advise is to remain at a reasonable distance while still maintaining communication with your mother. You can give her some reading material (like the one above) or many others people may suggest (Like Melody Beatty's - Codependent no more). But looks like she may have to hit her own bottom to realize that her actions are futile and going nowhere.
Its so difficult for parents to stop enabling. The love for our children is programmed into our genes. To "un-enable" is an unnatural act - but it is essential for recovery of not only the co-dependent but the addict. The addict and co-dependent are locked into a destructive dance which they are not able to stop unless one of them gives up (most likely the co-de, as their addiction is a lot less severe).
My advise is to remain at a reasonable distance while still maintaining communication with your mother. You can give her some reading material (like the one above) or many others people may suggest (Like Melody Beatty's - Codependent no more). But looks like she may have to hit her own bottom to realize that her actions are futile and going nowhere.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
My sister is also a heroin addict, and my mother is her enabler. My mom says the exact same thing about how the system is just out to get my sister and nothing is her fault etc. The short answer is that just like you can't change your sisters drug use, you can't change your mom's codependent behavior.
I had to detach from my mother to some extent as well as my sister, because watching her destroy herself in her failed attempts to help my sister was hurting too much. When I first joined here I was so angry at my mom that it was having a measurable negative effect on my life and my other healthy relationships. It hadn't occurred to me that I needed to exercise the same detachment with love technique that I employed with my sister in my relationship with my mother as well. I had to let go.
Now when we talk it's a lot less confrontational, because I do not engage her in discussions about my sister and their ongoing chaotic enmeshment. I hope that one day she will choose recovery, just like I hope my sister will choose recovery, but my life and my happiness are no longer hostage to their decisions.
I had to detach from my mother to some extent as well as my sister, because watching her destroy herself in her failed attempts to help my sister was hurting too much. When I first joined here I was so angry at my mom that it was having a measurable negative effect on my life and my other healthy relationships. It hadn't occurred to me that I needed to exercise the same detachment with love technique that I employed with my sister in my relationship with my mother as well. I had to let go.
Now when we talk it's a lot less confrontational, because I do not engage her in discussions about my sister and their ongoing chaotic enmeshment. I hope that one day she will choose recovery, just like I hope my sister will choose recovery, but my life and my happiness are no longer hostage to their decisions.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by L1brary 
This is my first post, all advice gratefully received.
My sister has been a heroin addict for more than 20 years, at first I did my best to fix what I saw as her problems but over the years I learned to let go. She is a horribly manipulative person and she makes it difficult to love her due to her lack of respect for the boundaries I have had to put into place to protect my own mental health and that in her emotional development she still behaves like a teenager.
The major problem is my mothers codependency, she pays my sisters rent, her bills, drives her around, my sibling has never worked. My mother has almost bankrupted herself paying off dealers over the years, she drives a 50 mile round trip to bring her a cup of starbucks coffee on a monday morning before she then heads to work! My sister claims to have agoraphobia so my mother has to do everything for her
Things have gotten worse over the last year. Social services have taken her daughter into care, which was inevitable once she came to the authorities attention. However as far as my mother is concerned it is everybody else' s fault, the school is lying, social services are lying, the childrens panel are lying, anybody is to blame apart from my sister.
I am having to watch my mothers health deteriorate, she is talking about giving up her job so can drive my sister to official meetings, visit her daughter and my refusal to back up my sisters lies to social services means I am facing a lot of aggression and my mother is barely speaking to me. I have no idea how to make my mother realize that she is being used, that she can't give up working and that she is killing herself through stress.
My sister has been a heroin addict for more than 20 years, at first I did my best to fix what I saw as her problems but over the years I learned to let go. She is a horribly manipulative person and she makes it difficult to love her due to her lack of respect for the boundaries I have had to put into place to protect my own mental health and that in her emotional development she still behaves like a teenager.
The major problem is my mothers codependency, she pays my sisters rent, her bills, drives her around, my sibling has never worked. My mother has almost bankrupted herself paying off dealers over the years, she drives a 50 mile round trip to bring her a cup of starbucks coffee on a monday morning before she then heads to work! My sister claims to have agoraphobia so my mother has to do everything for her
Things have gotten worse over the last year. Social services have taken her daughter into care, which was inevitable once she came to the authorities attention. However as far as my mother is concerned it is everybody else' s fault, the school is lying, social services are lying, the childrens panel are lying, anybody is to blame apart from my sister.
I am having to watch my mothers health deteriorate, she is talking about giving up her job so can drive my sister to official meetings, visit her daughter and my refusal to back up my sisters lies to social services means I am facing a lot of aggression and my mother is barely speaking to me. I have no idea how to make my mother realize that she is being used, that she can't give up working and that she is killing herself through stress.
Unfortunately, just like there's nothing you can do to help your sister, there's nothing you can do to help your mother. It's really that simple.
Yes, we hate to see people we love make poor decisions. But just because others make poor decisions doesn't mean we have to. Just because others are in denial doesn't mean we have to be.
So, work on letting go...work on detaching from the situation. There's really nothing you can do except save your own sanity.
ZoSo
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
You are not responsible for your mother or sister. Your responsibility is to your self (and to them) by not interfering as they experience natural consequences of their respective addictions. My experience is that by interfering we are just delaying the final reckoning the addict must face alone.
The key is to stop being responsible for others and be responsible to them and to ourselves.
The key is to stop being responsible for others and be responsible to them and to ourselves.
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