How to feel confident in the choice to leave my Alcoholic boyfriend
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Phoenix, Az
Posts: 2
How to feel confident in the choice to leave my Alcoholic boyfriend
I have known my ex boyfriend for over 12 years now dated for 4 years in the beginning in our 20s and on and off throughout the years to follow. About 4 years ago, I discovered through his sister that he had hit rock bottom and asked for help..he admitted he had a problem with alcohol and joined the support groups that eventually helped him stay sober for 3 years..
I started to see him again at his 3 year mark of sobriety....he was amazing on a good path, positive, humble sweet and caring. Then his business had troubles and he asked for my help..only problem was his business was selling counterfeit goods. He was furious that I would not support our "partnership" and put my credit and name on the line for him. He shut me out emotionally and we broke up.
A year passed and he resurfaced again contacting me to meet for lunch..I fell for it all again...charming sweet kind etc. About two weeks in he confessed he had relapsed and was drinking again...he said he was working on getting better...I believed and supported him. Then one night he did not call like he normally did.. I knew something was up, the next day he gave me a bs excuse phone dead etc....minutes later he confessed he was in Vegas and had gone by himself.
By this point my trust was gone...I no longer believed a WORD he said...anytime he was out of communication with me I felt anxiety and stress beyond compare. Strange things started to get posted on his Facebook...strange check ins at gay strip clubs, out with friends I knew were bad for him. Bizarre things that he always seemed to have an explanation for. He then started to accuse me of being paranoid,jealous, not trusting him, not being supportive. if I even asked about the postings or talked with him about my concerns about his sobriety it would end in him verbally attacking me and playing the blame game. On his birthday a few days ago..he was MIA all morning and came to my house later that evening clearly on something...I couldn't hold back this time I told him he seemed off and I couldn't be around him like this. He denied denied denied and stormed off complaining I don't support him. I normally reply to him and it turns into a fight where I cam somehow the bad guy apologizing. I didn't do that this time. I ignored him.
I didn't contact him at all the next day...I have been so worn down by him. He deleted and blocked me from facebook and I finally sent him a goodbye email. I still have not heard back from him and probably wont.. Why is this silence from someone I know is so toxic for me so painful....As I sit and write as condensed a story as possible, I feel foolish for even being sad about his non response. I should be grateful the verbal abuse is over.??? How can I stay strong here and not allow this to happen again...
I started to see him again at his 3 year mark of sobriety....he was amazing on a good path, positive, humble sweet and caring. Then his business had troubles and he asked for my help..only problem was his business was selling counterfeit goods. He was furious that I would not support our "partnership" and put my credit and name on the line for him. He shut me out emotionally and we broke up.
A year passed and he resurfaced again contacting me to meet for lunch..I fell for it all again...charming sweet kind etc. About two weeks in he confessed he had relapsed and was drinking again...he said he was working on getting better...I believed and supported him. Then one night he did not call like he normally did.. I knew something was up, the next day he gave me a bs excuse phone dead etc....minutes later he confessed he was in Vegas and had gone by himself.
By this point my trust was gone...I no longer believed a WORD he said...anytime he was out of communication with me I felt anxiety and stress beyond compare. Strange things started to get posted on his Facebook...strange check ins at gay strip clubs, out with friends I knew were bad for him. Bizarre things that he always seemed to have an explanation for. He then started to accuse me of being paranoid,jealous, not trusting him, not being supportive. if I even asked about the postings or talked with him about my concerns about his sobriety it would end in him verbally attacking me and playing the blame game. On his birthday a few days ago..he was MIA all morning and came to my house later that evening clearly on something...I couldn't hold back this time I told him he seemed off and I couldn't be around him like this. He denied denied denied and stormed off complaining I don't support him. I normally reply to him and it turns into a fight where I cam somehow the bad guy apologizing. I didn't do that this time. I ignored him.
I didn't contact him at all the next day...I have been so worn down by him. He deleted and blocked me from facebook and I finally sent him a goodbye email. I still have not heard back from him and probably wont.. Why is this silence from someone I know is so toxic for me so painful....As I sit and write as condensed a story as possible, I feel foolish for even being sad about his non response. I should be grateful the verbal abuse is over.??? How can I stay strong here and not allow this to happen again...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, ca
Posts: 268
Hi K,
My name is Carrie and I am new to this site. I have little wisdom in this very complicated situation of being involved with an alcoholic and all I can offer you is a little bit about where I am right now. I have been involved with a Alcoholic for 5 years. Since we were long distance the first 2 1/2 years, his drinking problem did not become obvious until he moved to my town. So, I spent the last two years first becoming aware of the seriousness of the problem and then he being in AA with a platonic somewhat distant relationship. Long story short, we were considering a reconciliation about 4 weeks ago, and then he went AWOL. Gone...he dumped me with little explanation except he was confused. I am reeling from the shock of waiting a year for his recovery, and as soon I as I willing to consider reconciliation he did a 180. So, this is where our stories are similar. With such a ****** thing he did I am on day 8 of missing the crap out of him. It's like I am creating emotional memories that are not even real. I don't know what was real and what was my neediness or trauma from such a crazy making experience. This relationship changed me at a core level. The last year with him in AA has not been a very good experience. Truly he showed some signs of maturity and insight...but not much. I am feeling a lot of embarrassment over even considering giving it a shot. So, I have to forgive myself and understand that having intermittent behavior from the Alcoholic results in an unhealthy attachment. I think we all experience that. So now, we are the addicts. We have to withdraw from an unhealthy bond. I don't think it's going to be easy for you and me, but I feel like there is hope and we will be able to. I am going to Al-Anon; I have shared this situation with my friends. No secrets; I am tired of hiding the bizarre parts of this relationship from people.
Love and hugs to you
Carrie
My name is Carrie and I am new to this site. I have little wisdom in this very complicated situation of being involved with an alcoholic and all I can offer you is a little bit about where I am right now. I have been involved with a Alcoholic for 5 years. Since we were long distance the first 2 1/2 years, his drinking problem did not become obvious until he moved to my town. So, I spent the last two years first becoming aware of the seriousness of the problem and then he being in AA with a platonic somewhat distant relationship. Long story short, we were considering a reconciliation about 4 weeks ago, and then he went AWOL. Gone...he dumped me with little explanation except he was confused. I am reeling from the shock of waiting a year for his recovery, and as soon I as I willing to consider reconciliation he did a 180. So, this is where our stories are similar. With such a ****** thing he did I am on day 8 of missing the crap out of him. It's like I am creating emotional memories that are not even real. I don't know what was real and what was my neediness or trauma from such a crazy making experience. This relationship changed me at a core level. The last year with him in AA has not been a very good experience. Truly he showed some signs of maturity and insight...but not much. I am feeling a lot of embarrassment over even considering giving it a shot. So, I have to forgive myself and understand that having intermittent behavior from the Alcoholic results in an unhealthy attachment. I think we all experience that. So now, we are the addicts. We have to withdraw from an unhealthy bond. I don't think it's going to be easy for you and me, but I feel like there is hope and we will be able to. I am going to Al-Anon; I have shared this situation with my friends. No secrets; I am tired of hiding the bizarre parts of this relationship from people.
Love and hugs to you
Carrie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Phoenix, Az
Posts: 2
Hi Carrie,
Thanks for you reply, I'm sorry you are going through this "withdrawal" as well. He and I use to joke that we are addicted to each other...always finding our ways back together like we are some sort of glorious soulmate story. Reality is we are addicted, I no longer want to be. It is such an unhealthy bond, the memories that are so intoxicating are just not worth the bad ones of feeling inadequate, crazy, insecure and anxiety ridden. You are absolutely right. I suppose a daily dose of this support and reminders is what is going to stop the addiction!! Trying to take things day by day...the nights seem to be the most vulnerable and sad. I feel the same embarrassment for getting back into this but I think these men are so great at what they do, even the smartest of women get sucked into the madness. Coming from a momentary place of weakness in my own story, I wish to send you strength in moving forward in your own!!!
And PS...Him removing me from Facebook IS a blessing, the rejection and immature nature of it is what is hard to process!! I don't have to be tempted to see what he is now "up to" so it's definitely a good thing.
Thanks for you reply, I'm sorry you are going through this "withdrawal" as well. He and I use to joke that we are addicted to each other...always finding our ways back together like we are some sort of glorious soulmate story. Reality is we are addicted, I no longer want to be. It is such an unhealthy bond, the memories that are so intoxicating are just not worth the bad ones of feeling inadequate, crazy, insecure and anxiety ridden. You are absolutely right. I suppose a daily dose of this support and reminders is what is going to stop the addiction!! Trying to take things day by day...the nights seem to be the most vulnerable and sad. I feel the same embarrassment for getting back into this but I think these men are so great at what they do, even the smartest of women get sucked into the madness. Coming from a momentary place of weakness in my own story, I wish to send you strength in moving forward in your own!!!
And PS...Him removing me from Facebook IS a blessing, the rejection and immature nature of it is what is hard to process!! I don't have to be tempted to see what he is now "up to" so it's definitely a good thing.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 73
Hi K & Nbay...
First let me say I'm so sorry that you are both dealing with this situation...I'm dealing with it as well and TOTALLY understand how you both feel. The relationship with my exabf ended about 3 months ago when, after he went on a drinking binge and I believe (he denies) he cheated on me with someone he worked with. The details are sorted and you can find my thread to read the history of you'd like, but take my word for it, it was awful, painful, and I believe like an alcoholic does, I hit my bottom during the final week I lived in the house and a few after that and I've been trying to crawl my way up from that bottom since then.
The short version is that we were together for about 7 years, lived together for about the past 5 years. We dated for the first year then I broke up with him due to his drinking. He called me after about 6 months telling me I was the best thing that ever happened to him, he would change, etc.., etc...So, believing what he said I moved in with him after only a few months of dating again. Over the years he never really stopped drinking he just learned how to hide it from me more and more. I kept believing he would stop. He never admitted he was an alcoholic, always saying he "just makes bad choices." We tried counseling, I did a lot of the Do's and Dont's they speak about in Al Anon. I had even tried Al Anon when I broke up with him the first time but I didn't stay committed to the program...I just wasn't ready to deal with it I guess. I would leave for the night on various occasions, I would threaten to leave, only to have him call me back home and make promises to stop drinking, which in the end he never kept.
Like I said, I'm three months out and it is a daily struggle for me still. I do go to Al Anon regularly now, I have a therapist, and I'm open with all of my family and friends about what was going on and I reach out if I need to talk with someone. My next step is to get a sponsor...working up to that.
I wish for all of us it were not this hard. I wish I did not wake up every day filled with anxiety about life. I wish a lot of things but it doesn't change the fact that alcoholism has effected my life in ways that I never thought possible and it has brought me to my knees and humbled me to the point that some days it just hurts to breath. I want a future for all of us, a healthy one filled with fun, laughter, honesty, respect, and love...lots and lots of love. Believe me I'm not sure how to get that quite yet and some days, most days, my ex is still in almost every thought I have even when trying to focus on something else. I don't know when that will go away for me or for any of us...I can only hope in time it will and we will be free of this baggage.
For what it's worth I'm sorry you are both in the situation but I appreciate you both for posting about your relationships...makes me feel so no alone in this. I hope hearing my story and knowing that what you are both describing is typical of people in our situation brings some clarity to things. I know it might not make anyone feel any better, not much does when we are where we are...just know you are not alone and maybe we can support each other as we walk through the effects that this disease had on our lives.
First let me say I'm so sorry that you are both dealing with this situation...I'm dealing with it as well and TOTALLY understand how you both feel. The relationship with my exabf ended about 3 months ago when, after he went on a drinking binge and I believe (he denies) he cheated on me with someone he worked with. The details are sorted and you can find my thread to read the history of you'd like, but take my word for it, it was awful, painful, and I believe like an alcoholic does, I hit my bottom during the final week I lived in the house and a few after that and I've been trying to crawl my way up from that bottom since then.
The short version is that we were together for about 7 years, lived together for about the past 5 years. We dated for the first year then I broke up with him due to his drinking. He called me after about 6 months telling me I was the best thing that ever happened to him, he would change, etc.., etc...So, believing what he said I moved in with him after only a few months of dating again. Over the years he never really stopped drinking he just learned how to hide it from me more and more. I kept believing he would stop. He never admitted he was an alcoholic, always saying he "just makes bad choices." We tried counseling, I did a lot of the Do's and Dont's they speak about in Al Anon. I had even tried Al Anon when I broke up with him the first time but I didn't stay committed to the program...I just wasn't ready to deal with it I guess. I would leave for the night on various occasions, I would threaten to leave, only to have him call me back home and make promises to stop drinking, which in the end he never kept.
Like I said, I'm three months out and it is a daily struggle for me still. I do go to Al Anon regularly now, I have a therapist, and I'm open with all of my family and friends about what was going on and I reach out if I need to talk with someone. My next step is to get a sponsor...working up to that.
I wish for all of us it were not this hard. I wish I did not wake up every day filled with anxiety about life. I wish a lot of things but it doesn't change the fact that alcoholism has effected my life in ways that I never thought possible and it has brought me to my knees and humbled me to the point that some days it just hurts to breath. I want a future for all of us, a healthy one filled with fun, laughter, honesty, respect, and love...lots and lots of love. Believe me I'm not sure how to get that quite yet and some days, most days, my ex is still in almost every thought I have even when trying to focus on something else. I don't know when that will go away for me or for any of us...I can only hope in time it will and we will be free of this baggage.
For what it's worth I'm sorry you are both in the situation but I appreciate you both for posting about your relationships...makes me feel so no alone in this. I hope hearing my story and knowing that what you are both describing is typical of people in our situation brings some clarity to things. I know it might not make anyone feel any better, not much does when we are where we are...just know you are not alone and maybe we can support each other as we walk through the effects that this disease had on our lives.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Go No contact.
Block him from everything.
That was the only way I restored my sanity.That and going to therapy.
Not that I am healed now but, now I know life can be different.
I left in 2008. It is 2013. The guy is still drinking and denying any problem.
You do not feel confident before leaving, or right away after leaving - you feel confident once you focus on yourself and see how life improves and how YOU make it better for yourself - and slowly, confidence starts building.
Now interacting with XABF does not even cross my mind. I got great people to interact with. I do no longer want abuse in my life.
We all deserve a life free of abuse.
Block him from everything.
That was the only way I restored my sanity.That and going to therapy.
Not that I am healed now but, now I know life can be different.
I left in 2008. It is 2013. The guy is still drinking and denying any problem.
You do not feel confident before leaving, or right away after leaving - you feel confident once you focus on yourself and see how life improves and how YOU make it better for yourself - and slowly, confidence starts building.
Now interacting with XABF does not even cross my mind. I got great people to interact with. I do no longer want abuse in my life.
We all deserve a life free of abuse.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello kjordan, Welcome to SR!
I had a pretty bad breakup many years ago that left me missing a man who was really bad for me. This may be cold comfort to you right now, but your heart will catch up with your mind. Your mind knows how much better off you are without this unstable, disrespectful, criminal, abusive man in your life.
One thing that helped me was to remember--even if it meant writing out lists--the bad parts of the relationship.
Hang in there! It does get better with time
I had a pretty bad breakup many years ago that left me missing a man who was really bad for me. This may be cold comfort to you right now, but your heart will catch up with your mind. Your mind knows how much better off you are without this unstable, disrespectful, criminal, abusive man in your life.
One thing that helped me was to remember--even if it meant writing out lists--the bad parts of the relationship.
Hang in there! It does get better with time
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
