BoxOfRocks

The longer I am apart from my XABF the most anger I feel. I'm angry at him for "doing me wrong" in ways that I didn't recognize at the time. I repressed a lot of anger during the relationship then but it's all coming out now.

In the past I have found that taking action really helps me, but I just don't know what action I can take regarding the anger towards him. I'm not going to give him a piece of my mind, because I don't want to engage with him and it would be totally pointless. I feel like the anger is a signal, but I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing aside from feeling it right now. It's really draining to sit there and be angry but I'm afraid that if I try to distract myself, it would be going back to old patterns of suppressing the bad feelings.

When you have anger that you can't resolve by expressing it to the person it's directed at, what do you do? I don't want it to harden into bitterness or resentment either because I feel that is spiritually harmful to me.

Thanks for any insight you may have for me.

sadielady

BoxofRocks,

A few years back I had a very horrible ending with an ex (who I now think was an A) who became a total RAGER and ended things very horribly. I found I had lots of anger u folding over time.

At the advice of a very well grounded woman I know who always feels her feelings and learns from them, I spent a few days making a list of the things I was angry ( or hurt!!!!) about and wanted to let go of.

Then I gathered rocks from around my neighborhood. I wrote a word on each rock that stood for each hurt or anger. I put them all in a backpack and went on a hike, not a crazy long one but one long enough that I could really feel the full weight of what it had been like carrying them around.

When I got to the top of a hill, I took them out one by one, spoke about each one, about what had been hurting me, and said goodbye to it. I wept as I did it, it was an incredibly draining and emotional event. At the advice of this friend, I had a journal and sat down and wept as I poured my feelings and thoughts into the journal. Then I hiked back down.

I was lighter. I won't lie and said I felt NO more hurt after that. But it was definitely an emotional turning point.

It doesn't have to be something like that, but find some way you can sort through what you're angry about and let it go, say goodbye to it, after working it through and deciding it no longer serves you. My friend also suggested writing a letter to the person and reading it aloud and then burning it (not sending, but sending I to the universe!!) could work. (I may actually try that with my very freshly exABF, actually).

A big hug to you. I do think feeling it is part of the healthy letting go.

sadielady

I forgot to mention, I threw each rock odd the hill! It was awesome

firebolt

I have a feeling im going to be in your shoes in a month or so. Sorta there now. So far my plan is to sweat, cast and blast it out. Im going to exercise fish and target shoot my frustrations and anger right the hell away. Thats the plan anyway. I hope you have some healthy activities you can sink into. I dont think its repressing your feelings, I think its purging them. Yoga and meditation help me to let things go as well. Sending you thoughts of peace. ((Hugs))

copious

I was going to suggest exercise but firebolt said it first.

I'm going to watch this post because I've never been able to let go of some old anger and I could use some pointers myself.

LexieCat

One thing that really works--try it--is to pray for the person you are angry with. If you don't believe in god, try meditating on it. Ask for all the things for that person you want for yourself--peace, happiness, love.

I have heard of it working in some pretty tough circumstances. If it doesn't work, no harm done, but I've heard that it actually is effective at dissipating anger. Letting go of anger doesn't make whatever happened to make you angry "OK"--it just releases you from having to carry it around, burdening your life with it.

Mightyqueen801

Good reminder. That is very, very hard to do sometimes, but I have tried it and it can help.

I still have some anger that raises its head from time to time--not as often, but once in a while--at my EXAH. We've been divorced for 12 years, but the damage he did to me financially is not something I will ever recover from wholly (we won't even go into the emotional damage, lol!). On top of that, he gave me a little more last year--lost his job, I suspect mostly because of his drinking, and so he was not able to pick up his share of the college expenses for our daughter. So, that put me another 9 grand into debt that I hadn't counted on. I thought I was beyond his reach, and here he got me again. Damn.

But, I do believe in God, and I am an Episcopalian, and we have this nifty little Book of Common Prayer that includes a prayer for those who struggle with addiction. In my better moments, I say that prayer for him.

56. For the Victims of Addiction

O blessed Lord, you ministered to all who came to you: Look
with compassion upon all who through addiction have lost
their health and freedom. Restore to them the assurance of
your unfailing mercy; remove from them the fears that beset
them; strengthen them in the work of their recovery; and to
those who care for them, give patient understanding and
persevering love. Amen.

OnawaMiniya

I may be completely off base here. I hope I don't offend because that's not my intention. I don't know too much about your situation specifically.

If it possible that some of your anger, is anger at yourself?

I have no doubt that the relationship with your ex was nightmarish - and that you have reason to feel angry at him.

Like I said I could be totally wrong here, but I thought I'd throw that out there just in case.

As far as anger toward him, the others have given good responses.

My kindle is about to die lol. I understand - I'm married to an alcoholic.

Take good care of you.

Peace.

Catherine628

This is a thread I have to keep an eye on. I find rage just surfacing at times and it scares me. I exercise, cook (meals that involve lots of chopping), go to al-anon meetings, get out in nature, go to church, or watch a funny movie.

I think I also need to feel my feelings now rather than stuff them. I picked up some more books on alcoholism/relationships too. I have the urge to call my AH and really let him have it sometimes. Resisting that urge is one of the hardest things I've ever done. Thats when I say the serenity prayer and congratulate myself on my self-control.

fluffyflea

[[/i][b


it,s important to feel the anger,it,s also important to let it go.


If you are in alanon and have a sponsor you can do a 4th and 5th step on it.



][/b]

theseithakas

Great thread. Though I am still with my ABF and he is ostensibly working on recovery, every once in a while I get SO angry with him when I think about how much he's hidden from me etc. My latest beef is that he's squandered money we could have used for a home and for an engagement (both of which are indefinitely on hold now) on booze.

Long distance running has been instrumental in keeping me sane over this stuff. I should also really get back to yoga, but I love some of the other ideas that have been presented in this thread too.

Ponder

What works for me is witting out my anger. I write as though I'm actually speaking to the person I'm angry at. I can spew every nasty, ugly thought that's racing through my head without hurting anyone. I burn what I wrote afterwards if it's really bad. It helps me to at least get the explosive rage out so I can think straight.

FireSprite

I was going to say the EXACT SAME THING. I've done this & also gone the fire route & burned all those "angry notes" instead.

There is something very connected & spiritual about physically manifesting the anger onto the rocks, feeling the actual weight of them & choosing to unburden yourself from that weight & release it from yourself. Very freeing & a great way (for me) to break through the anger & get back to the healing.

I would likely follow an exercise like this up with as much self care as I could handle, lol. A great yoga session/meditation, a hot soaking bath or spa & a good nights sleep for sure - and then try my best to leave it behind when I wake the next day.

DreamsofSerenity

I woke up yesterday so effing mad at that man. I wrote him the meanest letter I could, and when I read it back to myself, it was so silly, I just laughed and felt released. I called him a yellow-eyed, drunk, coward, and told him if he kept it up, he'd soon need a bra for his man boobs. I also threatened to sue him. (I told you it was absurd).

Anyway, of course I would never send something crazy like that. I think that's why it helped me though; I got to go a little crazy over the whole thing.

I like Sadie's idea better; it's more poetic and dignified. I might give that a shot next time.

I'm not sure I am to the point where I could pray for him. I am more inclined to pray he gets run over by a truck.

Santa

Yoga - I'm 100% serious.

sadielady

I prayed for my exABF last night. I'm not a religious person but I am spiritual, and I spoke out loud and said it ALL. With compassionate, and pleading. And letting go.

I'll tell you, it truly exhausted me, I was wrung OUT afterwards.

Hoping God, the universe, and anybody out there takes hold. Every bit helps.

Hammer

Used to bundle all my Anger up along with any Hate and Rage and pack it down really, really tight, near my heart.

Figured that all that anger, hate and rage worked like a little nuke reactor. Tended to leak like one at least. Poisoned my heart for a long time. All packed together, but it leaked. On just about everyone around to some degree or another

Decommissioning and clean-up was some work, but much worth the effort.

Now I prefer to operate on Clean, Renewable, Daily, Sunshine-Higher-Power type Energy. I like it much better and highly recommend it for others.

LifeRecovery

A different take.

I got grateful that I could feel anger, and that I felt safe enough for the first time in my life to experience it, listen to the wisdom it contained and be with it.

It took awhile, and it was DARN uncomfortable, but it did dissipate, and because I did not try to stuff it like I had for years and years it did not come out sideways like it previously had. To me sideways looks like a PB and J sandwich with lots of jelly. When I don't deal with something head on it comes out sideways like smashing that sandwich and seeing the jelly fly out the sides.

For me anger is usually a sign that a boundary of mine has been crossed. I was not angry for years, because I had such poor boundaries.... I still held onto all those crosses though and I had to wade through them when I started to heal.

I still have more of this "old" anger to deal with. Currently when I meditate or do body work anything that hits my pelvic region is just ripe with tears of frustration and big anger. I call it my pelvic rage.....it is scary, and I struggle to let it out. It is still much better then what I did before, but kept adding to it to ferment and take over my life in ways I did not expect it too.

Flicka57

I suffered from PTSD after breakup & they suggested, writing him a letter but don't send it, journaling, walking, bicycling, cleaning, ripping up paper, punching pillows, any hobby you like that's physical. I cycled through all of these, some worked, some didn't but I kept trying every one until I got my mind off it. But anger is better because depression is anger without a voice. So yell at the top of your lungs!! Act like he's standing there and let him have it!

theuncertainty

How do I deal with it? The healthier mechanisms have been:

I have several journals going. Each are combinations of me working through different books, a written journal and an art journal. As I flip through them I can tell, without a question, which pages are me dealing with my anger towards AXH. A few are written, but most are art journal pages: big heavy graphite or charcoal drawings. I let myself throw onto the page any and every angry, hateful feeling. I'm amazed at how many of those pages combine anger at him and anger at myself (as OnawaMiniya noted).

A few pages have been so hurtful to re-live that I've burned them, and that was cathartic as well.

The other thing I've done in the past was head out to the point and scream my head off into the wind. Haven't felt the need to do that in a while, though.

I haven't been able to get to the point of being able to pray for him or wish him well as were suggested earlier in the thread, but maybe it's coming since I no longer have to scream out loud about him or our relationship.