Limbo?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 179
Limbo?
So I've posted about this here before but I found out my husband was an A in early May through a visit to the ER. He refused to stop drinking and so since shortly thereafter we've been living apart. About a month ago AH became RAH and has been doing intensive AA and really actually seems sober and different in a good way. I'm going to Al Anon and getting a ton out of it, but haven't gotten a sponsor or started working the steps formally yet (I'm working up to that). I have a good housing option until the end of August. I'd just like to float now - focus on my recovery, enjoy seeing friends, throw myself back into work, and enjoy the outdoors. I'd like to wait a bit to face the really painful stuff - figuring out whether I want to be with AH even if he really does work his recovery, figuring out where I stay come Fall, and figuring out how I can responsibly do what is the most important thing to me in life over the next couple of years: having kids. A friend told me I shouldn't stay in limbo though and it's made me so anxious that though I thought I was doing hard stuff, from an objective perspective, I'm not doing enough. Any advice? I trust the advice I get here to be coming from a knowing place and really appreciate that.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
There is no timeline written in stone for this stuff. Your journey is yours. You're only 2 months along since the ER visit, and he's only 1 month sober, so this is very early. It's great that you're going to AlAnon and working on you. You'll know when you're ready for the next steps. I was taught a new twist on an old saying in a family recovery program: "Don't just do something....Stand there!" In other words, when you're not sure what to do next it's okay to do nothing. Take the time to think it through and make the best decisions for you.
You're doing great.
You're doing great.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yeah, I wouldn't rush things. This is still VERY early. If you were still "floating" 18 months in, it might be time to think about fishing or cutting bait (MAYBE), but you are so far from that point.
I say keep on doing what you're doing, be confident and comfortable with it. Nobody else is living your life. It's fine to listen to what other people say, but they don't necessarily have the right answer for YOU. Furthermore, I'm assuming this friend isn't in Al-Anon herself and has only the vaguest idea about alcoholism and recovery. To thine own self be true.
FWIW, I think it sounds like you're doing GREAT.
I say keep on doing what you're doing, be confident and comfortable with it. Nobody else is living your life. It's fine to listen to what other people say, but they don't necessarily have the right answer for YOU. Furthermore, I'm assuming this friend isn't in Al-Anon herself and has only the vaguest idea about alcoholism and recovery. To thine own self be true.
FWIW, I think it sounds like you're doing GREAT.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I agree that you're doing great. Another saying around here is "more will be revealed", and I think that is so true.
For me, living on my own meant that I could gradually start to center on my own feelings and behavior which was different for me than living with an abusive alcoholic. Then, everything I did was centered around what he needed, how he would respond if I did something, how not to trigger his anger.
On my own, all that noise and distraction gradually began to fade, and I was able to get back to who I was and who I wanted to be, regardless of his demands. Our marriage had become terribly dysfunctional, and it took leaving to put it in perspective.
You are young and facing major life choices, such as having children with this man. That is a commitment that will endure every day of your life whether or not you marry or stay married. And it affects your future children's welfare in the most profound way.
Twenty years ago, I married my second husband, and within 3 months, had terrible doubts about his behavior and almost left him. I didn't listen to my intuition, swallowed my doubts, and took my children and myself into what turned out, at the end of the time, to be a nightmare ride.
I'm not predicting any particular results for you and your partner. I'm just saying, take the time, listen to your gut, really evaluate what you're choosing before you choose it. This is a pivot point in your life: you haven't committed yet to any indelible path for your life, and you can change course freely if you want to. It gets much more complicated, later, with children.
Take all the time you need, and educate yourself as thoroughly as you can about alcoholism. It is progressive, and your partner is just beginning what will need to be a lifelong journey to achieve sobriety, one day at a time, each and every day. If and when he gets 1 year of solid sobriety, working a program with a sponsor, then you have some information about his commitment and success to recovery.
I think your friend, who is probably very well intentioned, is very naive. The issues here involve the rest of your life, and it is far better to be cautious and careful in your choices than to jump into a frying pan you can't get out of in the future.
ShootingStar1
For me, living on my own meant that I could gradually start to center on my own feelings and behavior which was different for me than living with an abusive alcoholic. Then, everything I did was centered around what he needed, how he would respond if I did something, how not to trigger his anger.
On my own, all that noise and distraction gradually began to fade, and I was able to get back to who I was and who I wanted to be, regardless of his demands. Our marriage had become terribly dysfunctional, and it took leaving to put it in perspective.
You are young and facing major life choices, such as having children with this man. That is a commitment that will endure every day of your life whether or not you marry or stay married. And it affects your future children's welfare in the most profound way.
Twenty years ago, I married my second husband, and within 3 months, had terrible doubts about his behavior and almost left him. I didn't listen to my intuition, swallowed my doubts, and took my children and myself into what turned out, at the end of the time, to be a nightmare ride.
I'm not predicting any particular results for you and your partner. I'm just saying, take the time, listen to your gut, really evaluate what you're choosing before you choose it. This is a pivot point in your life: you haven't committed yet to any indelible path for your life, and you can change course freely if you want to. It gets much more complicated, later, with children.
Take all the time you need, and educate yourself as thoroughly as you can about alcoholism. It is progressive, and your partner is just beginning what will need to be a lifelong journey to achieve sobriety, one day at a time, each and every day. If and when he gets 1 year of solid sobriety, working a program with a sponsor, then you have some information about his commitment and success to recovery.
I think your friend, who is probably very well intentioned, is very naive. The issues here involve the rest of your life, and it is far better to be cautious and careful in your choices than to jump into a frying pan you can't get out of in the future.
ShootingStar1
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