I don't know how to deal with this
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I don't know how to deal with this
DH has slipped again. And I set up my boundaries again. And he's angry at me. He says when I slip with my demons - I'm an introvert who sometimes has problems going out, making friends etc altho I hold a very good job and do have some friends - he's supposed to hug me and tell me it's ok. But when he slips it's catastrophic, he says. And he's right. It is. I can't go back to that place. He says those demons no longer hold him and I'm supposed to trust him. He says he's going to slip and I need to get over it, basically. And my head is all messed up now. Maybe he's right. Maybe I do just need to get over it. I don't know.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Wishful,
There are a lot of people here who know a lot more than I do.
My sense is that he's right heat slip and it's (maybe) going to happen. But he doesn't get to set your boundaries, you do. He doesn't get to say what's right for you to do with yor life when he does slip. That's entirely up to you. You needing a hug after a hard day is not the same thing as his drinking that could destroy his life. He is playing mind games if he expects you to believe that.
I think your instincts are talking to you in writing this post. You know you get to have your boundaries and he can't talk you out of them.
Listen to what you need right now, listen to yourself and be as true to yourself as you can be.
He's telling you he needs you, but YOU need you most of a.
There are a lot of people here who know a lot more than I do.
My sense is that he's right heat slip and it's (maybe) going to happen. But he doesn't get to set your boundaries, you do. He doesn't get to say what's right for you to do with yor life when he does slip. That's entirely up to you. You needing a hug after a hard day is not the same thing as his drinking that could destroy his life. He is playing mind games if he expects you to believe that.
I think your instincts are talking to you in writing this post. You know you get to have your boundaries and he can't talk you out of them.
Listen to what you need right now, listen to yourself and be as true to yourself as you can be.
He's telling you he needs you, but YOU need you most of a.
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Thanks sadielady. I'm so confused and hurt. Can an alcoholic ever become a casual drinker? How do I just "let it go" like he wants me to? He's sitting across the room from me and I can smell the absolute waves of booze washing off him. And yet I'm supposed to believe he has this "under control"?
I tell him my boundaries are for me but he takes such great offense ... i mean really takes offense - says it hurts him so much he wants to kill himself. When he's sober he's a great man, husband and father. But when he drinks ... I don't know what to do. I can't enforce my boundaries if it makes him suicidal. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I tell him my boundaries are for me but he takes such great offense ... i mean really takes offense - says it hurts him so much he wants to kill himself. When he's sober he's a great man, husband and father. But when he drinks ... I don't know what to do. I can't enforce my boundaries if it makes him suicidal. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
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He apparently doesn't have a need to set a boundary around your being an introvert, but you have a need to set a boundary around living with an alcoholic.
Just wondering, what exactly is your boundary, and what happens when it is violated?
Just wondering, what exactly is your boundary, and what happens when it is violated?
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Again I'm among the least experienced here. But having just ended a relationship with an alcoholic I loved, I really don't believe an alcoholic can ever ever ever be a casual drinker. AND I think that talk from them is wishful thinking, and they want you to believe its possible too. My exABF was dead set on convincing me his drinking wasn't so bad, that he wasn't like the thugs with hard lives in his rehab, that he could control it. Not possible. From my limited experience and what I've read (here and elsewhere) I just don't buy it.
I'm sorry to break it to you. But I do think frank talk is one of the best things about these forums.
You are right in the thick of it. Be good to yourself. Do you go to AlAnon?
I'm sorry to break it to you. But I do think frank talk is one of the best things about these forums.
You are right in the thick of it. Be good to yourself. Do you go to AlAnon?
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My boundary is that I can't be around him when he drinks because we end up fighting. So when he drinks I leave the room. And that greatly upsets him. He tells me I'm "condemning" him and "judging" him and telling him he is an unworthy person. And I explain over and over the boundary is for me, that I don't want to fight or judge so I leave the room. Apparently when it comes to "didn't cause it and didn't contribute to it" they are wrong in my case.
As far as me being an introvert, he's an extrovert who continually pushes me outside of my comfort zone. Sometimes it's ok, sometimes I fight back. He has boundaries about that, he just doesn't realize it.
As far as me being an introvert, he's an extrovert who continually pushes me outside of my comfort zone. Sometimes it's ok, sometimes I fight back. He has boundaries about that, he just doesn't realize it.
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I dont go to al anon, I would love to but it's impossible for various reasons at the moment. I do see a counsellor and am going to set up online counselling thru my EAP.
I appreciate the frank talk here, that's why I come here.
I appreciate the frank talk here, that's why I come here.
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Thank you Springs. Intellectually it sounds ok to me too, but then why does he get so angry and hurt? Why doea he tell me he's going to never come home again and not to worry, the life insurance is paid up? He says the demons are gone but I dont believe that. I am so confused and hurt and angry and completely totally lost.
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He says sometimes he's going to slip and I should be understanding and forgiving instead of being cold and putting up boundaries because he forgives me when I slip and be extra introverted - altho I don't believe introversion is a horrible thing. It's just me 
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No, he doesn't have "boundaries" around your being an introvert. He is, instead, trying to control you by "pushing" you beyond your comfort zone.
You aren't doing a darned thing to him except removing yourself from him when he is drinking. THAT is a boundary. You aren't taking the booze out of his hand, pouring it down the sink. THAT would be controlling--the equivalent of his pushing you when you don't feel sociable. A true boundary, for him, would be to go to social events alone when he wants to go and you don't feel up to it.
He doesn't like your boundary, but that is his problem, not yours. He is trying to twist you up in knots. You are starting to believe the quacking. Just remember--an alcoholic will do anything to take the focus off the REAL issue.
You aren't doing a darned thing to him except removing yourself from him when he is drinking. THAT is a boundary. You aren't taking the booze out of his hand, pouring it down the sink. THAT would be controlling--the equivalent of his pushing you when you don't feel sociable. A true boundary, for him, would be to go to social events alone when he wants to go and you don't feel up to it.
He doesn't like your boundary, but that is his problem, not yours. He is trying to twist you up in knots. You are starting to believe the quacking. Just remember--an alcoholic will do anything to take the focus off the REAL issue.
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Hi Wishful; I am 8 days broken off with my Ex-AB and I am no expert. But comparing one's personality to drinking is just not the same thing. Not even close. You are an introvert, I am an introvert...it's a personality trait no better or worse than being an extrovert. Drinking alcoholically is a disorder, a disease, whatever you want to call it...it's bad stuff. When he talks about wanting to kill himself over hurt feelings it's to make you feel bad and to justify his drinking. He is looking for permission; that is emotional manipulation. Addicts always have temper tantrums when you set boundaries. You know what your boundaries are. Be consistent, be strong. You are doing the right thing by staying away when he is drinking.
Love and a big hug to you,
Carrie
Love and a big hug to you,
Carrie
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I felt like I was reading something I would have posted when I read your post. Although my ABF has not agreed to sobriety he promises every week that this week he wont get drunk during the week, by tuesday he's started again and then I come home after my wednesday night shift (the one night a week I beg him not to drink as he is alone watching our son) and he's drunk telling me either he waited until our young son was asleep to start drinking or he'll straight up lie like I'm an idiot.. I am the same as you, very introverted and don't really have a friend I can call on when I need one, even though I am pretty popular at work with many of my co-workers.. I hate to think that there is someone out there who has to deal with the same ******** as me, but at the same time glad that there are people who can understand it. You being an introvert can't hurt him but his drinking hurts you over and over, it's 2 different things and you sholdn't feel bad about being angry.
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Thanks for the support. I'm not sure where things are left right now, my marriage is hanging on by a thread as it is. He's scared I'll take the kids and leave but not scared enough to stop I guess. More chatting with my Higher Power tonight .... I need the guidance. So confused and hurt. Our DD asked if he's drinking again, I had to be honest. She's 14, and not stupid. He thinks the world of her but doesn't realize it affects her too. And our baby of course.
I wish none of this ever happened. We really were happy before all of this. Now I'm considering leaving and I feel betrayed. Hurt feelings and broken promises all around. He told me he hit bottom last time, I guess the fall wasn't hard enough.
So lost.
I wish none of this ever happened. We really were happy before all of this. Now I'm considering leaving and I feel betrayed. Hurt feelings and broken promises all around. He told me he hit bottom last time, I guess the fall wasn't hard enough.
So lost.
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My sponsor is fond of saying, "Every bottom has a trap door." The only one that doesn't is the ULTIMATE bottom--the one that's six feet underground.
If I hadn't quit when I did, I could have sunk much lower. I still could, if I pick up a drink. All we get in AA is a daily reprieve dependent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Not a "cure."
If I hadn't quit when I did, I could have sunk much lower. I still could, if I pick up a drink. All we get in AA is a daily reprieve dependent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Not a "cure."
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
No, he doesn't have "boundaries" around your being an introvert. He is, instead, trying to control you by "pushing" you beyond your comfort zone.
You aren't doing a darned thing to him except removing yourself from him when he is drinking. THAT is a boundary. You aren't taking the booze out of his hand, pouring it down the sink. THAT would be controlling--the equivalent of his pushing you when you don't feel sociable. A true boundary, for him, would be to go to social events alone when he wants to go and you don't feel up to it.
He doesn't like your boundary, but that is his problem, not yours. He is trying to twist you up in knots. You are starting to believe the quacking. Just remember--an alcoholic will do anything to take the focus off the REAL issue.
You aren't doing a darned thing to him except removing yourself from him when he is drinking. THAT is a boundary. You aren't taking the booze out of his hand, pouring it down the sink. THAT would be controlling--the equivalent of his pushing you when you don't feel sociable. A true boundary, for him, would be to go to social events alone when he wants to go and you don't feel up to it.
He doesn't like your boundary, but that is his problem, not yours. He is trying to twist you up in knots. You are starting to believe the quacking. Just remember--an alcoholic will do anything to take the focus off the REAL issue.
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Hello wishful, I really can't add to what has been said. I agree with the others, you have a boundary and he just doesn't like it--too bad for him. You are not judging him, you are deciding what is acceptable for you.
I know all of this must be so hard right now, and I wish I had some magical words to make it all go away. Sending hugs and prayers of support.
I know all of this must be so hard right now, and I wish I had some magical words to make it all go away. Sending hugs and prayers of support.
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I tell him my boundaries are for me but he takes such great offense ... i mean really takes offense - says it hurts him so much he wants to kill himself. When he's sober he's a great man, husband and father. But when he drinks ... I don't know what to do. I can't enforce my boundaries if it makes him suicidal. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
So when he drinks I leave the room. And that greatly upsets him. He tells me I'm "condemning" him and "judging" him and telling him he is an unworthy person.
Wishful133, this is emotional abuse. There is a stickie at the top of the Friend and Families index page called "What is Abuse" that you might read. My story is there. If you google "quacking", there is a long thread about the things alcoholics say to get their way. I think you'll find many of the exact phrases your husband is using in that thread.
You are right on with what you're doing. Your husband is twisting the facts of what is happening to defend his right to drink, no matter what.
Good luck, keep coming back, we're all here for you,
ShootingStar1
So when he drinks I leave the room. And that greatly upsets him. He tells me I'm "condemning" him and "judging" him and telling him he is an unworthy person.
Wishful133, this is emotional abuse. There is a stickie at the top of the Friend and Families index page called "What is Abuse" that you might read. My story is there. If you google "quacking", there is a long thread about the things alcoholics say to get their way. I think you'll find many of the exact phrases your husband is using in that thread.
You are right on with what you're doing. Your husband is twisting the facts of what is happening to defend his right to drink, no matter what.
Good luck, keep coming back, we're all here for you,
ShootingStar1
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ShootingStar1
If you google "quacking", there is a long thread about the things alcoholics say to get their way. I think you'll find many of the exact phrases your husband is using in that thread.
Hi ShootingStar; I tried to find a thread on the "Quacking" list but could not find it. Could you post the link here?
Thanks much,
Carrie
If you google "quacking", there is a long thread about the things alcoholics say to get their way. I think you'll find many of the exact phrases your husband is using in that thread.
Hi ShootingStar; I tried to find a thread on the "Quacking" list but could not find it. Could you post the link here?
Thanks much,
Carrie
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