Tryingtoletgo3

Last night I let an informational text about my sons medical pull me back into an argument with my STBXAH. I have had zero contact for 2 weeks and I was feeling very well, planning for the baby due in the next few weeks, moved to a beautiful house close to my work... 2 days ago I received a text from STBXAH that I knew was ffishing because I hadn't updated him in so long. I ignored it until last night so I had time to remove my emotions. I replied last night with the court ordered info and then it started. He was obviously drinking and he started saying nasty things and making indirect threats. I asked him to please let go and stop stalling the divorce. Why was I stupid enough to go back and forth with him? I'm so angry with myself this morning. Early, I received another text from him saying he thinks we should stop talking because he is doing so well and he doesn't want the drama...this is so typical of him after he goes on a binge...But now, my work with no contact feels destroyed and he is back in feeling in control. That's what his fishing text was for and the entire reason he wanted to draw me in. He needed a scapegoat and once again it was me. I feel so stupid!

LexieCat

Don't feel stupid. You started off the right way, responding for a good reason (the court order). He got through your defenses and pushed your buttons. It happens. You haven't "destroyed" the hard work of the "no contact." You are stronger and wiser than before. You will be better prepared for this kind of stupid response from him next time, and won't as easily swallow the bait.

You're doing GREAT. Do NOT beat yourself up. That's an order.

lillamy

Nothing is ever wasted. You figured out exactly what happened, and now you know next time to not respond.

(Unless you're a slow learner like me and have to so stuff a couple of times before you realize they hurt...)

dandylion

Tryintoletgo, remember that it is progress--not perfection, that we strive for.

When you call yourself stupid (self-talk) you are joining the "other side" and abusing your own self. Treat yourself with compassion and forgiveness. You deserve that.

As hard as we try--an active alcoholic can be manipulative and irrational enough to push the buttons of the strongest person!!!!!

You are learning and you will be stronger next time.

dandylion

copious

Today is fresh and free for you. Whatever he does you are still in control of you if that's what you want to be. You're worth it.

Lyssy

I slipped yesterday too. Relised what I was doing and decided too stuff my emotions and focus on MY resolve and what I needed to do for me. I sure wish I had bit my tounge and waited until I had myself in check.

Still dealing with it. Have a plan, but will talk with my counselor on Wednesday. I KNOW there will be ramifications when I follow through. I have serious issues with upholding my boundaries but feel this is make or break it time for me. Only 7 months left on my one year stay or get out resolution.

You are not alone! What is the saying... progress not perfection?

Lyssy

Mine h isnt "active" (5 mo), but still very manipulative.

Also, I guess I should read all the posts before I post (re: quote) lol.

Tryingtoletgo3

Thank you everyone. I was beating myself up over it, but you are all right. There is no need from that. I just need to learn from it and move forward. One big decision did come out of the ordeal. I had planned to let him know when I went into labor, but I have decided now that I am not going to. Instead, I'm going to enjoy a peaceful birth and will pass the news along via our lawyers a few days after. I'm not allowing myself to let it be ruined by his stupidity or selfishness.


On a side note, we are 4 months into our divorce and don't even have an initial provisional order in place because he keeps stalling. It has been a month since my lawyer has gotten a responce from his side....any suggestions? I want this divorce over with and its starting to get expensive and ridiculous...I have discussed going to the judge with my lawyer, but he is certain if we do he will not be given supervised parenting time because the judge we are in front of is a big A.....

LexieCat

I'd suggest listening to your lawyer. That's what you're paying him for--his advice on how to get the result you want. If the judge isn't likely to order what you are hoping to get, then trying to work it out, even if it's a slow process you'd like to have over with, might be in your best interest.