BabyJane

Does anyone else who has a little bit of sober time ever get the feeling they are still kind of doomed? What I mean is; I'm sober but I'm still anxious and kind of unhappy far more often than I thought I would be at this point. I am coming up on 9 months soon and I do a lot for my recovery but its not enough perhaps... ?Meetings and step work and volunteering and journaling and education and therapy and... The list goes on... But what am I missing? Why do I still feel like I will end up in a horrible place? I don't feel safe from my addiction / alcoholism at all lately. I feel like it is just waiting patiently for me to have a bad enough day to relapse. I'm scared. Nothing is ever going to fix me. And now I have more responsibility and more to loose. I hope I'm just having a bad night. I want to leave everything and just go... I don't know where. I'm tired of being in and out of recovery. I just want a normal life. I can't fight this forever. I'm lying to myself if I say I can just be happy and be ok. I've never been totally ok. That's the truth. Are the steps supposed to fix this? What is supposed to actually help? God? Right action? Hard work?

Why is this so freaking hard? I can't do it forever... Or maybe I can? Just not feeling strong. I don't know what else to say.

Thanks for reading my ramble. I know its negative. I know its silly to ask SR of these questions but I had to get it out.

visch1

Hi. I have no profound thoughts as this recovery thing is so individual. One thing I noticed in the all good things you do does not include enjoyable things for yourself. All well and good giving but we get sober to enjoy our life for our self also. Also the words I've hated for over 35 years but must accept: IT TAKES TIME! BE WELL

Jsober

Congrats on the nine months! Remember you are still new to recovery. I am as well at 2.5 years. I have gone through all kinds of phases in recovery. Highs, lows, and everything in between. Some just like what you described. I am learning they are just phases and they do pass. Some phases are longer than others so be patient. I don't know about you but I drank for years so it does take time to adjust.

Dee74

It took me a long time to trust that I could be ok, and even longer than that to believe that I deserved good things happening to me Jane.

I had 40 years of expecting the worst in everything, not just in staying sober - that kind of ingrained thought process takes time to undo.

As long as you stay sober you give yourself the best chance of untangling some of those mental knots and growing into who you want to be.

Stay focused and vigilant and you'll be fine, I promise

D

susasober1

Can be a very precarious stage in recovery...I don't know for long you drank but if it was for a number of years, I was once told that at 9 months sober is when your body (and I suppose mind and emotions) go through major changes. Sometimes it can take 18 months for the head to "slow down"...but of course everyone is different.

I am at 14+ months myself and sometimes still feel what you are feeling. In addition to that, I don't always like the idea of being sober 100% of the time! However, if I drink again, I know exactly what's going to happen and it really sucks! I miss the "happy medium" I was able to maintain for years until I "crossed over"...Overall, I wake up every day relieved and grateful that I did not drink the day or night before.

Sounds like you are doing A LOT in your recovery...maybe it's time to slow it down a little...good luck and hang in there

MIRecovery

I find that I cycle through highs and lows a month or two will be pretty good then a month or two will be sort of bad or just OK. the thing that helps me the most is looking backwards. When I look back a year I am so much better than I was a year before even though I might be feeling very low that day. Aa line of Trudging the road to happy destiny is very appropriate for me. I just keep moving forward doing the next right thing and things seem to be working out very well

mecanix

There is no fight here with sobriety .
Sobriety is our natural state as human beings .
What i hear is a lot of fear, stress and anxiety ..

I see an awful lot of work , more power to you , but what do you do to unwind and relax ? learning not to do anything much really and stay sober has been a useful thing for my sobriety as i can do it in any place, at any time .

Keep on , maybe it's just a time thing , i felt a lot better once the first year was past

Bestwishes, m

bigsombrero

Why not go? What do you have to lose?

I returned from rehab and I was sitting at home in Chicago and feeling the negativity and dread. I was lonely, lived by myself. I was in my same apartment where I did most of my drinking. I was participating in recovery and therapy but felt...trapped. So I went. Rented out my apartment to some nice folks and started traveling. Thing is, when you go somewhere new, especially a foreign land, alone, you get back to basics. Waking up, finding a place to get coffee, food, and exploring the new sights - those are huge accomplishments. You have new things to focus on...the last thing you are thinking about is doom and the black hole that consumes you back in Anytown USA.

It all started with that first plane ticket. I am not saying it's for everyone - heck, it's not for most people. But I see no harm in sharing my experience that it can be done. You seem like a thoughtful and intelligent person that might benefit from getting a new and fresh perspective on how lucky we are to live on this planet. Being "somewhere else", even for a week or two, can really jump start a deeper understanding of recovery and life in general.

I think some people hate when I give this advice because they find it unrealistic. But I will continue to offer this advice because it helped me and that is what we are here for, to share what worked for us. Good luck, regardless!

messyliver

I would be so proud of myself if i made it to 9 months! But i know what you mean. I think it is an impossibility for me. Even if i made it to a year i still think it would be an impossibility... i'm hoping the negativity will wear off as i progress... fingers crossed x

Sally3127

I'm at 9 months too Jane. I'm also having the same feelings. It is tough. But I just try and take it one day at a time. That's all I can do. I'm kind of a loner anyway so I tend to isolate and have to force myself at times to get out. I will admit that I am still full of fear. But I just keep trudging along, praying and most importantly not drinking. People in the meetings keep telling me to keep coming back because it gets better so that's my plan for today.

BabyJane

Thank you for your input everyone. I woke up feeling about the same as I did last night but reading these made me think. I'm not glad that any of us struggle but we are in it together, at least, and we don't have to act "ok" all the time. Last night I just wasn't feeling right and I have been very up and down and times which can be contributed to many factors but I think I needed to just get it out; admit that things were difficult. I don't know if I am right with God or the spiritual part of recovery and that's a huge concern because as much as I have worked on that one it won't just HAPPEN. I can't force it. Actions are my faith right now. I do things I don't always want to do hoping they will lead me to a new place. As for hobbies, I am starting to find some things I like. I wish I could do more right now but money is so tight and with a child coming I feel trapped. I would LOVE to travel and have always gotten so much out of that - someday I will be able to go out again. Right now it would be very selfish because the baby is coming so soon but I want to go to India someday. I will go there.

Thanks for being on SR everyone who comes here. Thank you for telling me its ok no matter what I feel I don't have to get drunk or be a heroin addict today or ever again. I hope I can stay around. I don't have another relapse / recovery in me.

Nighthawk8820

Most things worth anything are difficult in life. You wont feel better overnight, or even for a few long months, but you will. You have lived in the cycle of addiction and all that goes along with it for so long, you have programmed yourself to think and perceive things in a certain way. It wont always be like this. As time goes on, you will learn to trust yourself again, to take chances or do things that seem impossible or scary, and to just enjoy life again. It takes time, a lot of time. Think of how long you have lived how you do or did. Naturally it will take a considerable amount of time to stop thinking how you do now.

My first year was full of challenges, triumphs, and just learning to live again and not just always expect the worst to happen. I had lived in a bad cycle for 5 or so years, so I expected to have anxiety, for things to not work out as planned, and to be kept down in the dumps. Thing is, when you live right and put in the work, things change and things start to lighten up. Stick with it, and fight!

360shoes

Hi BabyJane,
Is it true that every single day in the 9 months have been this difficult? I know that when I'm having a bad run its easy for me to forget that not everything was always like it feels at that moment.

I've mentioned before that being happy and normal took a back seat to just getting some peace and a break from the hating myself. I had to be patient and realistic.

I'm a Buddhist so I try to remember that there is nothing in this world that is permanent. Nothing. We either wish what we have last forever or wish what we have goes away. Both will happen.

Best to just not cling to either and find peace in the journey.

I think travel and India sounds fabulous!

BabyJane

Great point 360.... No everyday has not been so tough! They are good and bad, I just don't control my emotions with drugs like I did before and the bad days really knock me down. But you are correct and good to remind me of the law of impermanence! I am taking a Buddhism class too and I love it. We must remember that suffering is part of the human experience. Joy is also. I will be able to feel joy again soon if I stay on this path. I am honored to walk with other sober people. Everyone on here is such a valuable person! Thanks all!

fantail

I feel like this a lot too, B. Like I expected to get sober and everything would fall into place, and that totally didn't happen.

I think my take on it though is that ex-addicts are dealing with some really profound existential life questions, and that ultimately that has to be a good thing rather than a bad thing. By drinking I was essentially rejecting life. Now I've decided to embrace it, and that naturally leads me to question why a lot. Why is life worth living? What is meaning? What does a "good life" look like?

I think that any thoughtful person confronts this stuff at one point or another (midlife crisis?). It's connected to recovery but it's also more fundamental than that.

All this angst is a pain but I feel like I'm wrestling with stuff that's going to ultimately make me a much more satisfied person. I can't remember but few months ago I was reading a study that showed that life satisfaction was less linked to "happiness" and more linked to feelings of awe. Like in the moment we think we want to be happy, but taken in total we are more satisfied with meeting challenges. I think that's true for me. In some ways I think having this intimate knowledge of how much darkness I'm capable of feeling helps make all of these struggles so much more meaningful.

maureen14

Sounds like your methods to recovery have also put a lot on your plate.
Perhaps toning down the work load would help? Then you may not get the hopeless feeling that you are not performing up to par.

soberlicious

I would also suggest looking at the Buddhist principle of grasping. Clinging too tightly and developing attachments to things creates suffering. Remember that whatever tools you have developed are just that...tools. The tools are not keeping you sober, you are doing that.

Creating an attachment to "recovery" can create suffering as well. You can use your methods without grasping so tightly. I like the Buddhist parable of the raft.

I apply that to my life, and examine which things I need to continue doing and in which cases am I continuing to "carry the raft on my back" simply out of fear. I began to trust myself that I was capable of knowing the difference.

My goal is to experience freedom. If I am free from my addiction, but shackled by fear, am I really free?

MythOfSisyphus

No, BabyJane- I don't think you're doomed at all. That feeling is your Addictive Voice. It wants out of its cage and it realizes it's powerless to get out. The only tool it has is guile; it has to trick you into releasing it. You have all the power, it has none.