bostongirl617

Hi everyone,

I will try to keep this short but I feel it takes some explaining to understand where I am at.

I am posting to hopefully get answers to the questions that have kept me up all week and have kept me from being able to keep a single piece of food down.

I have a cousin who has been a drug abuser for basically my entire life. He is my 4th cousin and is 10 years older than I am but I saw him often when I was very little and then remember not seeing or hearing about him anymore. It turned out that his parents had gotten very sick, he had started acting up and eventually he landed in jail. Unfortunately, his parents tragically died when he was 19 years old and I remember trying to understand (in my 9 year old mind) why he was wearing handcuffs at his own parents wake and funeral.

That was unfortunately the start of 12 years of being in and out prison, having his inheritance stolen from him by his uncle and falling deep into the world of selling and using drugs (heroin, mainly). I never heard anything about him until last August while helping to clean out my grandmother's house and finding an unopened piece of mail. It was from my cousin and had been written a year earlier from prison. He was saying how much he hated where he let his life end up and how much he misses having a family. I felt heartbroken for him and decided to write to him to explain why he never heard back from her and that if he ever needed someone to write to, I was a letter away.

We wrote, talked on the phone and I began visiting. I could tell he was starting to trust me and I could see a good, genuine heart inside someone who had been through a hell I'd never understand. As he got closer to being paroled in November, I told him that I wanted to help him because I believed he could change. I bought him clothes and everything he could need, picked him up and brought him to his halfway house. Things were great at first, texting and meeting up to see each other in between meetings. Then it was a Friday...the 7th of December. No contact from him at all. I checked my phone every 2 minutes. Woke up the morning of December 12 to a text from his phone...from a friend of his letting me know he had been arrested again. Heartbroken doesn't begin to describe it. I had a final exam that morning and took it crying. He called that afternoon and told me how sorry he was and he hated that he let me down and he didn't talk to me because things got bad.

It was difficult after that because I felt very hurt that I did everything I could to help him and he messed it up in less than a month. I got very busy with my last semester of college but answered all his phone calls and sent money when I could. I definitely felt resentment that he was in prison missing my college graduation. It was hard. As he approached his release, set for July 15, I started doing everything I could to be able to help him when he got out. He made plans to go to a sober house far from where he had been living and I sent him money for that so he could go there straight from his parole hearing.

He was released on Monday. I have contacted him MULTIPLE times via facebook, as I do not know his new cell phone number. I know he has been on. No messages. Nothing. I am absolutely devastated. I am the only family member he has, I have done everything for him.

I've spent every night the past week crying, worrying about him.

Is this normal behavior for an addict? To just disappear on the ones they "love"? How can they do that? He knows I worry. How can he let me worry?

Am I supposed to just assume that this entire year was just him lying to me about how much I have helped and how much I mean to him? That is such a terribly difficult pill to swallow...

Am I unrealistic to expect that EVENTUALLY I will hear from him? All of my friends just tell me to get over it but I can't imagine how I can just be okay with never hearing from him again. Despite his mistakes and addiction, he is one of my favorite people and has been such a big part of this past year...

I just need expertise or advice and to be told that it will be okay and assurance that as maddening as his behavior is right now, somewhere in his brain, he knows I love him...

BoxinRotz

He'll call you... when he needs money on the books.

I'm sorry but he's not thinking about you and your feelings as a human being. He is an addict. Addicts don't care about anyone but their addiction/s. I don't even believe they think of themselves until they are rock bottom and ready to stop the madness.

Let Go & Let God. He's an adult. He can and will fend for himself. If he's still in jail, be content knowing he's got a roof over his head and 3 squares a day.

Welcome and sorry he's taken you for an emotional ride. You have to think about you and stop trying to take care of him and fix him. Only he can do that.

KKE

Is it normal for them to disappear on the ones they love? YES! When my partner was using he'd often disappear. Sometimes for a day and sometimes for a week. I'd hear nothing. No call, no text. Then he'd just turn up after the bender was over, looking dishevelled and feeling guilty and remorseful. Sometimes I'd be asked to pick him up because he'd spent ALL of his money and couldn't even put petrol in his car. Basically they want to get f#cked and they don't want us there in their ear telling them not to. It's easier to run away and switch the phone off and forget about us. When their using we don't come into it. All that's important is the drink and drugs.

I could be wrong but (and I was the same) you seem really reliant on this guy to be happy yourself? Almost like you both needed each other as much as the other person to make yourselves feel some sense of worth? I don't know how your life was before you became so heavily involved in his life but its just the impression I got. Sorry if I'm totally off the mark.

lizwig

I'm sorry you are suffering. Many of us here have had to learn that no amount of "help" will make a lick of difference if they don't want to help themselves. Jail has provided him clean time but if he didn't take advantage of treatment or recovery programs while he was in then in my opinion he's just dry. There is a stickie at the top of the forum titled "what addicts say from jail". When I read it for the first time it really hit home. We are powerless over their addictions. They are not. They can change their outcome if they really want to. Unfortunately there is probably a solid reason you are the only family member trying to support him. He has likely alienated any others. I have made a commitment to myself that I will no longer do for my son what he is capable of doing for himself. I believe it tells them subconsciously we think they are incapable. I'm sorry you've put your heart into helping your cousin. You are very kind. We are all learning to detach with love. Keep reading around. Anything you learn here will only benefit you in other areas of your life as well. Big hug to you today.

YearForMe

Unfortunately....when they are in jail or prison...the name of the game is to get money on the books any way they can.

When he is arrested and thrown back in jail/prison....he will be contacting you again for all of the "help" you provide.

Cut him off completely.

Contacting him on Facebook just lets him know that you are still a willing participant in the game.

wiscsober

Sorry but what people have posted is true....

Hopefully wrong but....as family, friends, and even as addicts we know very well all the signs, symptoms, behaviors....

My concern is for you....keep us posted

cynical one

Prison. There are two paths inmates can take. One is to allow it to just be a warehouse, and learn how do more drugs and crimes better. The other is to use the time for self-improvement. Unfortunately, improvement is seen as a weakness on the yard, so it makes it tough to participate in D&A meetings, GED classes, higher education classes, church services, etc.

He may have sincerely meant what he said at the time, it may have been a con all along. Anytime a relationship is based on one member of it giving, and the other taking...it’s not a balanced, equal, relationship. And, when the giver expects something (return of affection, loyalty, repayment, etc.) in return, then the gift they were giving had strings attached, which is not a true gift.

It sounds like he’s spent a good amount of time on lock, which at this point he has become institutionalized. You (not just you, but anyone without an MD behind their name) are not equipped to help him unlearn prison mentality. This takes lots of time and hard work, and he’s obviously not ready.

Take what you have done for him, see it as giving of yourself without expectations of return on investment.

When he contacts you, and he will, if you want to continue a penpal relationship, lay out the ground rules from the start = no money, no calling PO’s, lawyers, Public Defenders, Courthouses, no contacting other friends/family on his behalf, no setting up housing, no setting up employment, no talking to his case manager, you get the drift?

When something doesn’t feel right, and you want to say no…remember “NO” is a complete sentence.

Ilovemysonjj

Hello dear, I have an AS who is 23 and disappeared for 4.5 months in 2012. When he finally surfaced and started his "rehabilitation" in jail, we talked. I shared the despair that I had felt when he never answered the facebook pleas to contact me. He told me that he always loved me, but was so ashamed of his actions and letting us down he didn't want to poison us with further contact from him. When our loved ones are actively using, they are NOT the person we knew. They are completely selfish and only care about one thing: getting high. The term they use is "out there" when they are going to go on a run with the drugs. Another one my son mentioned is "strung out", meaning they are on a leash that is being controlled by their addiction. You cannot help him. Jail or prison may be the only life he is now comfortable in. Please don't give him any more money. He needs to hit the bottom of the bottom for his recovery to start and that has NOTHING to do with you and your actions.
Hugs and prayers for you, you sound like a wonderful caring person
TT

bostongirl617

I want to thank each and every one of you for your responses. They have helped me more than you know and while I am obviously still very distraught, I have comfort knowing that this is the way addicts behave. I suppose my real struggle is worrying that he overdoses or gets killed before he gets arrested again. I never would have predicted I'd go to bed at night PRAYING someone would get arrested. I just wish I had the tools and capabilities to help him but I know that's a lot to ask of a 22 year old fresh out of college from a very different world than he is. I have done everything I could given my limited resources, always making sure to be there as a friend/family member moreso than money. I don't think in 12 months I missed more than five phone calls while he was in prison. I tried to send along cards/letters when I had time in between school and work. I'm shaking my head because just 2 weeks ago tomorrow I actually baked a cake and wrote "Happy 32nd Birthday" on it and took a picture to send him because he was locked up on his birthday. Now I'm sitting here 14 days later wondering if/hoping that I'll hear from him again...It's such a bizarre world he lives in and I don't think I will ever truly understand.

I just want to touch on this - that isn't the case, unfortunately. He was an only child to two very loving, devoted parents even when he started messing up in his teens. His mother had cancer and his father had MS so they were doing everything they could given their circumstances. Then when he was 19, they burned to death in a fire, along with his only living grandmother, on Thanksgiving. He never met anyone on his father's side as they were heavily involved with mob/crime activity. His only surviving close relative was his uncle and cousins who all had a part in filing claims (his uncle was a lawyer) on his behalf for life insurance, etc and then stole almost a million dollars and left the state. When I say I am the only family he has, I mean I am the only family who is still alive and hasn't burned him before he could burn them.

I think the answer to this goes back to what I wrote above. It was more just realizing the depth of what he had been through, both what was his own fault but what wasn't too, and wanting to help him. I will admit that I was very naive and trusting because I am not even remotely from his world. But I was starting my 4th year of college, come from a strong/happy family full of law enforcement ironically, working my dream internship and surrounded by tons of friends. It was more seeing the difference between my life and his that made me get so wrapped up in it and then I did (and do) genuinely love him and still can't understand how I can be expected to be okay with him disappearing. I understand I'll eventually hear from him if he gets locked up again but my fear is that an overdose precedes that. He has a good heart (I know you've heard it before but I know it to be true) and I hate that his addiction overpowers that when he has the freedom to be out. And if I was someone looking in on this situation, I would just advise the person to move on and forget about it, that they did what they could do. But it's really hard to tell yourself that when you know you're the only person they have that does worry/care, whether that's by their own decisions or not. Family is family and I do love him so it's just a lot to swallow and I don't think I'll ever stop hoping to hear from him.

cynical one

One of your parents are also related to him, right? Do they know how emotionally involved you are with your cousins struggles?

bostongirl617

Yes, my mother is his third cousin. My nana was his mom's first cousin. And my nana is currently severely sick with Alzheimer's among other things which is currently my mother's full time job. So while she knows how much I have involved myself, she can't exactly help me or do anything, she barely has time to eat and take a shower in between taking care of my nana. My father knows how involved I am as well but as a State Policeman who is very protective of his only daughter, he wrote off the situation from day one. Same goes for everyone on my dad's side of the family. I think my mother's relationship with her mother might actually help to explain why I am the way I am. I have grown up being taught that if your family member is hurting/sick/down, you help them because you're their family. I remember his mom and dad so vividly because they were the most wonderful people and it is very hard for me to stand by and see the only thing they left in the world falling apart. They never gave up on him because he was all they had and all they cared about and a freak accident took them from him. I have the word "faith" tattooed on my wrist for a reason. I have faith in people - it's what I run on, it's what makes me tick. That is why this situation is a struggle because it's testing that. I wouldn't say my faith is broken, though. I am just trying to figure out what to do.

Sara21

I am so sorry you are going through this, we all know this path all too well. Remember that when he ignores you, it's NOT about you so try not to take it personally. It's about his addiction. That's what he is thinking about to the point where it just consumes him and nothing else matters.

My husband had a sick family member in the hospital, someone he loved very much. However, there were times when everyone, except him, was at the hospital and he was out getting high. He wouldn't answer calls, he would just disappear for a period of time. It broke my heart because I knew how much he loved that person, but at the moment the drugs were more important to him.

It's very kind of you to want to step up and be there for him, the problem is that he may not be ready to quit yet. Many of us have learned to detach with love. We won't stop loving them, and we'll be there for them when they're ready to commit to a sober life. But until then, we have to keep our distance from them or risk losing our sanity.

Hugs

HeWhoSleeps

You need to have faith that you've done everything you could possibly do and let him go. Have faith that he will find his end, whatever it is, on his own.

MiSoberbio

You asked for help in understanding the actions of your addicted relative, and most everyone with experience (both family/friends of addicted persons and those who are in recovery from substance addiction) has responded with a variation of "this is what addiction is -- stay away and don't enable him any more." I understand how confusing and upsetting this all must be (I lived through it myself) but the sooner you let go, the better off you'll be.

However, so much of what you've written is quite familiar to me, as it must be to others on this site, therefore I feel I must urge you take the time to start working on yourself instead of trying to fix someone else.

Think hard about the text of yours that I quoted above: you wrote that with such seeming self-assuredness, but, in my opinion (and it's only my opinion) you appear to be covering up some mighty big insecurities. From my personal experience, and from what I've heard (and read) others share, you need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and think about your motives in this entire event.

What makes you think that you can help him? The impulse to help another can come from a noble generosity, or it can come from a different place altogether, one that turns giving into taking, and then taking turns into controlling another. I'm sorry, but your emotional response to his relapse is indicative of the latter type of giving. When I look back on myself in the early years of a relationship with someone addicted to substances, I see a self-righteous man so scared to face the reality of his own twisted motives that he went down a rabbit-hole of pain and destruction, thinking that he was "saving" that someone... but it was all fantasy.

You're young – please let this be a turning point in your life, so that you don't find yourself walking down this street again. Nar-Anon groups may help you, as may a personal therapist, but sticking to the current pattern probably won't do much good. Work on yourself, for yourself.

MiSoberbio

I want to clarify something that I feel I left unclear -- when I said "stay away and don't enable him any more" I didn't want to imply that people who are addicted to substances should be banished or ignored by family, loved ones, society, etc. I should have said, "let him follow his path and respect it, but refrain from supporting him financially."

There are those that have been able to maintain relationships with a loved one who is addicted to substances (I am not one) and in no way do I want to imply that an addicted person does not deserve love and care. It's just that we often get too wrapped up in such care that we lose ourselves in the process.

deeker

Prison is not a cure for addiction.

February13

Bostongirl617, have you checked out Alanon?

It seems that you have become rather obsessed with your cousin's life which says
something about you. It's great to have faith in people but are you going to spend
your life having faith in the wrong people like some of us? My whole life I felt more
comfortable around people who were somehow broken,because I too felt broken, but
often I ended up feeling betrayed that they were broken people. I have a lot of work
to do on myself. It is not my job to fix people. It is my job to fix myself so that I am
not giving away my power to broken people but instead invite people into my life with
whom I can have an equal relationship.

It's great that you tried to help your cousin out. Now is probably a good time to let go.

wicked

I am the mother of an institutionalized 31 year old heroin addict.
He is just getting out of his third or fourth rehab.
I love my son, and I will never give up hope, but, and this is a big but,
I gave birth to him. 4th cousin is kinda stretching the family relationship.
It works for him I guess.
I am from the other side, and I am telling you as the mother of one of these men,
GET AWAY FROM HIM.
He will take whatever he can get from you and let you writhe in pain and anxiety
while he is partying on your money. Please leave him alone.

His excuses for being criminal could have stopped when he reached the age of adulthood. But, he continues.

Your father is absolutely right. You should write him off right now.
He will use your soft heart (which is a blessing but not in this case) and take you
for everything he can get.

As long as you support him and what he does, you are supporting his addiction.
I guess your dad is waiting for the inevitable.
Please take care of yourself.
When your fourth cousin is clean and living a real "square" life,
i.e., working, paying bills, owning a car, have a place to live,
then, get back in touch.
You will never change who he is, no matter how much you love him,
no matter how much you cry, no matter how much you worry.
The only change he will have is the one HE chooses to have.

From a mom who has been living this for 15 years (on and off),

Beth

AnvilheadII

i agree, 4th cousin is pretty distant family. i never so much as met a second cousin, much less any further iterations! a related by blood family member that was out of your life and your mind up until last august when YOU choose to make contact with him. in prison.

and yet you seem so stunned that he took advantage of you and went right back to the streets when he got out.

when people show us who they are, believe them. not what they say while locked up, but what they DO when they are released. and you've seen him released TWICE now. pretty much took the cash and ran, didn't he?

you are in WAY over your head. you have no business trying to rehab felons and cure addicts and try to hand them a new way of life. THAT IS NOT HELPING. that is enabling. big difference.

lesliej

I think that faith is best placed in a higher power rather than people, including yourself.
Give your faith to God, or whatever it is that you believe in and get out of the way.
Some people have a tendency to try to become martyrs and rescuers...and in the case of addiction (let alone felony) it is a BIG problem. As Shakespeare's Hamlet would say..."Get thee to a nunnery!" Meaning get away from the horrible mess where you can't help and will only get hurt!