got a package from my NC exABF: SAD
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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got a package from my NC exABF: SAD
So being here on SR has been amazing for me, one of those syncronicities in finding you exactly when I needed you, as I went NC and ended my relationship with my exABF almost a month ago now. At first he contacted me about every day, then when I wrote again simply that this was not just NC but goodbye, I heard from him only once more.
I've made good peace with that, as much as I can in this short time. I feel freer, I feel relief, and of course I also feel very sad. I also feel awak,knowing that the sad is a grieving sad, the kind that's about hte loss of the love and future I'd hoped we'd have, and also my grief for him as a wonderful human being slowly killing himself. And it's also an awakening at the same time, of the way I'd been hurting myself by trying to save him, and I feel like I'm working hard (therapy, AlAnon, health people in my life, reading, self-care) to learn healthier habits.
Today, after not hearing from him for a couple weeks, I got a package in the mail. In it, he returned my copy of my favorite novel, one he knows I adore that holds special meaning for me, that he was reading. It had a short but lovely note, both about the book and about missing me. Nothing more. Love, [his name]. And he put a picture, an incredibly sweet and loving picture, of his older daughter kissing his younger one on the forehead.
I am not going to contact him, there is no risk of that and no part of me that worries I'll slip into that. I'm not writing for you to talk me down from the ledge, I really don't want to be on that ledge and I'm not going there. But I needed to reach out here for other reasons.
It is SAD. And I realize I've had this haze of sad in all my days. I think I maybe have been in some combination of growth and relief (good) and shock, and the really hard sad part maybe hasn't wholly hit yet? I mean, I feel sad for him and sad for losing us, and I haven't been stifling that. But this package made me weep. I had to go in the other room so my daughter didn't see. And I'm typing this now to reach out to all of you, and clear my head, before I go back in to play with her.
I know these are the normal feelings that go with this kind of loss. And about how much it aches to see him so so so much in his own way, this beautiful man I love. And I think part of the sad is that no single shred of me wants it back, and as sad as this package is, getting it affirmed that for me. I'm not conflicted. But I am really, really sad. I don't have a question, I just needed to reach out. This HURTS.
My daughter goes with her dad in a couple hours and I'm going to go for a long walk in my neighborhood, maybe go into a coffee shop and the bookstore, I both want my solitude and need to be around others, maybe where some good music is playing. SIGH.
Sending love to any of the rest of you out there having some version of a hard time. We're strong around here, I know we'll be ok. I know I'm aimed in the right direction and so many of you here have been a huge part of helping me with that. Love to anyone out there who needs it.
I've made good peace with that, as much as I can in this short time. I feel freer, I feel relief, and of course I also feel very sad. I also feel awak,knowing that the sad is a grieving sad, the kind that's about hte loss of the love and future I'd hoped we'd have, and also my grief for him as a wonderful human being slowly killing himself. And it's also an awakening at the same time, of the way I'd been hurting myself by trying to save him, and I feel like I'm working hard (therapy, AlAnon, health people in my life, reading, self-care) to learn healthier habits.
Today, after not hearing from him for a couple weeks, I got a package in the mail. In it, he returned my copy of my favorite novel, one he knows I adore that holds special meaning for me, that he was reading. It had a short but lovely note, both about the book and about missing me. Nothing more. Love, [his name]. And he put a picture, an incredibly sweet and loving picture, of his older daughter kissing his younger one on the forehead.
I am not going to contact him, there is no risk of that and no part of me that worries I'll slip into that. I'm not writing for you to talk me down from the ledge, I really don't want to be on that ledge and I'm not going there. But I needed to reach out here for other reasons.
It is SAD. And I realize I've had this haze of sad in all my days. I think I maybe have been in some combination of growth and relief (good) and shock, and the really hard sad part maybe hasn't wholly hit yet? I mean, I feel sad for him and sad for losing us, and I haven't been stifling that. But this package made me weep. I had to go in the other room so my daughter didn't see. And I'm typing this now to reach out to all of you, and clear my head, before I go back in to play with her.
I know these are the normal feelings that go with this kind of loss. And about how much it aches to see him so so so much in his own way, this beautiful man I love. And I think part of the sad is that no single shred of me wants it back, and as sad as this package is, getting it affirmed that for me. I'm not conflicted. But I am really, really sad. I don't have a question, I just needed to reach out. This HURTS.
My daughter goes with her dad in a couple hours and I'm going to go for a long walk in my neighborhood, maybe go into a coffee shop and the bookstore, I both want my solitude and need to be around others, maybe where some good music is playing. SIGH.
Sending love to any of the rest of you out there having some version of a hard time. We're strong around here, I know we'll be ok. I know I'm aimed in the right direction and so many of you here have been a huge part of helping me with that. Love to anyone out there who needs it.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
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Thank you for posting that. I am sure it is painful but a decision that is going to save you so much further pain in the future. I really admire your strength and clear mind about it all. Good for you! I do believe you are going to be fine me lady! 
God Bless you! Pray for him.
God Bless you! Pray for him.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
awww, it IS sad and it DOES hurt. and while I wish you were free from those feelings, I truly admire how you embrace them, not tr to run and hide from them. you are gracious and quite elegant about it all! not like we give out style points.
sometimes stuff just doesn't work out. and things end before we were ready. much like a good novel that we wish would never end. or perhaps it ends and if we could, we might consider rewriting it. one of my fave movies is the King and I....every time I watch it, I cling to the hope that maybe THIS time the King will live and Anna will stay - but because of who they were and the roles in life they led, it was not meant to be.
but life does indeed go on.
sometimes stuff just doesn't work out. and things end before we were ready. much like a good novel that we wish would never end. or perhaps it ends and if we could, we might consider rewriting it. one of my fave movies is the King and I....every time I watch it, I cling to the hope that maybe THIS time the King will live and Anna will stay - but because of who they were and the roles in life they led, it was not meant to be.
but life does indeed go on.
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Someone said to me, "Just because something doesn't last forever doesn't mean it didn't have value."
I've thought about that a lot.
I think my kids are in that SAD spot. They don't want to hear or think about any good times we had with their father because it hurts too much to contrast those days with what he has become.
It does get better. I'm three years out from leaving, and I am able to feel sadness and compassion for him without it sinking me, if that makes sense.
You sound like you know what you need and that's a great start.
I've thought about that a lot.
I think my kids are in that SAD spot. They don't want to hear or think about any good times we had with their father because it hurts too much to contrast those days with what he has become.
It does get better. I'm three years out from leaving, and I am able to feel sadness and compassion for him without it sinking me, if that makes sense.
You sound like you know what you need and that's a great start.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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sadie, I completely understand what you are saying. I understand your feelings. Of course you have to grieve this in order to complete the healing. And you will--heal. Much later when you look back, you will remember that you were sad, objectively, but you will not be able to recreate and feel the actual feeling (make sense?).
When I was still grieving--a trigger would make me feel like my insides were splitting open and I cried oceans of tears. It didn't last forever, though. I did heal.
Good idea to go out. Also, I have found that comedy is really good to change the whole mood. Comedy and some good funky music--the kind that makes you want to dance!!
dandylion
When I was still grieving--a trigger would make me feel like my insides were splitting open and I cried oceans of tears. It didn't last forever, though. I did heal.
Good idea to go out. Also, I have found that comedy is really good to change the whole mood. Comedy and some good funky music--the kind that makes you want to dance!!
dandylion
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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I'm glad he actually SENT the book. My second husband used to call me once or twice a year (always drunk) to ask if I wanted him to mail me one of MY favorite books that somehow got left behind when I left. Each time I'd say sure, drop it in the mail (then cutting the conversation short). He never mailed the damn thing. To this day (fifteen years later).
I got word that he tried to reach me at my old job a few months ago. I wouldn't be surprised if it were to ask if I wanted the book.
I get that sad feeling--it stayed with me for a while (though I NEVER for a second regretted leaving). It will get better with time.
Glad you're here.
I got word that he tried to reach me at my old job a few months ago. I wouldn't be surprised if it were to ask if I wanted the book.
I get that sad feeling--it stayed with me for a while (though I NEVER for a second regretted leaving). It will get better with time.
Glad you're here.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
I'm glad he actually SENT the book. My second husband used to call me once or twice a year (always drunk) to ask if I wanted him to mail me one of MY favorite books that somehow got left behind when I left. Each time I'd say sure, drop it in the mail (then cutting the conversation short). He never mailed the damn thing. To this day (fifteen years later).
Seems so.
OK.
Talk to again next year.
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Thank you, all you amazing lovely people, for your kind, thoughtful and heartfelt responses. I'm a little choked up right now but just wanted to say thank you, your words help a lot.
I also noticed on the front of the package there was a frowning face, the simple two eyes with nose and line for mouth. Sigh.
Throwing the package itself away now. (Keeping book)
Lexie ugh, I'm so sorry about not getting your book back and that ridiculous dangling it in front of you. I sure hope you've bought yourself a new fresh copy, reclaiming it for yourself.
I also noticed on the front of the package there was a frowning face, the simple two eyes with nose and line for mouth. Sigh.
Throwing the package itself away now. (Keeping book)
Lexie ugh, I'm so sorry about not getting your book back and that ridiculous dangling it in front of you. I sure hope you've bought yourself a new fresh copy, reclaiming it for yourself.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Oh, I will. It's actually a very cool book, biography of Thomas Merton. He and I were both Merton fans.
LOL, my first husband (who is now sober 33 years) once took a picture of one of our cats, "reading" the book. I'll pick up another copy--it's just a "thing." The book was nothing more than an excuse for calling me. I knew that. He is a sad person, too, quite pathetic, and I am absolutely astounded he is still alive.
LOL, my first husband (who is now sober 33 years) once took a picture of one of our cats, "reading" the book. I'll pick up another copy--it's just a "thing." The book was nothing more than an excuse for calling me. I knew that. He is a sad person, too, quite pathetic, and I am absolutely astounded he is still alive.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
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Hi Sadie,
I'm going to throw a loop in the thread, just for the sake of conversation. I might be totally wrong, and if I am, I apologize in advance.
The feeling I'm getting from you is that your relationship with this "beautiful" man was a wonderful thing, and that now it is just time to let go of it, which is of course, very sad.
I am not sure this is reality, not with an active A. All of the wonderful times you had were not sober good times. The beautiful person he showed you was not really him. It was the good guy of the Jekell/Hyde duo. (I can't keep them straight).
I maintain that you do not know who this man really is because he was an active A the entire time you were together. As I have said before, I do not believe that the good guy can exist without the bad, and that he is really only a response to the bad. Who this man would be as a sober human being is impossible to predict.
My ex sends me stuff like the package you received and I used to feel the way you did about it, touched and so sad. Now I see it as nothing but a manipulation.
What was your ex's motivation exactly by sending you that package? If he just wanted to be nice and return the book, why did he include the letter, the sad face, and the photo? He wanted to pull at your heart strings and it worked.
I am very proud of you that you are staying strong. My motivation by posting this is to keep you that way.
I'm going to throw a loop in the thread, just for the sake of conversation. I might be totally wrong, and if I am, I apologize in advance.
The feeling I'm getting from you is that your relationship with this "beautiful" man was a wonderful thing, and that now it is just time to let go of it, which is of course, very sad.
I am not sure this is reality, not with an active A. All of the wonderful times you had were not sober good times. The beautiful person he showed you was not really him. It was the good guy of the Jekell/Hyde duo. (I can't keep them straight).
I maintain that you do not know who this man really is because he was an active A the entire time you were together. As I have said before, I do not believe that the good guy can exist without the bad, and that he is really only a response to the bad. Who this man would be as a sober human being is impossible to predict.
My ex sends me stuff like the package you received and I used to feel the way you did about it, touched and so sad. Now I see it as nothing but a manipulation.
What was your ex's motivation exactly by sending you that package? If he just wanted to be nice and return the book, why did he include the letter, the sad face, and the photo? He wanted to pull at your heart strings and it worked.
I am very proud of you that you are staying strong. My motivation by posting this is to keep you that way.
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Dreams,
I hear you loud and clear, I'm so glad you said that, because I think that's what a huge part of the sad IS -- grieving that our relationship wasn't what I thought it was, and that he isn't really who I thought either. He's all te parts of himself, and te person who is drinking himself to death, lying, hiding, ruining all his relationships, and generally tanking everywhere in his life is exactly who he is. I think that hair breaks my heart. And you're totally right. He isn't his potential, he is who he is showing up as.
I have been thinking too that the package was a manipulation. The sweet pic of his daughters and sweet note especially. And he sent me an email message, very short, yesterday -- after nothing for a couple weeks. For whatever reason he is trying to engage and I'm not doing that, no response.
You're right that letting go of the idea that he was a beautiful person is part of this. I have no idea any ore how much of what we shared was absolute fiction. And it really doesn't matter now. But it does ache like a mammaamma.
My plan is to focus my energy on NOW, on the abundance of good people and things in my life, and remember that he is not part of my now or my future, and the pain will go away. To be awake to what I'm feeling and let myself feel it (I've stifled hard things in the last), but then learn from it and move through and beyond.
Today I am going to clean out a room that's gotten supremely cluttered. It's been making me crazy thinking about it and avoiding it, and I think it's related to feeling stuck and sad with my exABF. I also have a work projec rice been avoiding hanging over my head. I'm going to commit to spending 2 hours each and then enjoying the day today for the rest of the time.
Thank you Dreams, for your straight talk. You are absolutely right and that resonates to my core.
I hear you loud and clear, I'm so glad you said that, because I think that's what a huge part of the sad IS -- grieving that our relationship wasn't what I thought it was, and that he isn't really who I thought either. He's all te parts of himself, and te person who is drinking himself to death, lying, hiding, ruining all his relationships, and generally tanking everywhere in his life is exactly who he is. I think that hair breaks my heart. And you're totally right. He isn't his potential, he is who he is showing up as.
I have been thinking too that the package was a manipulation. The sweet pic of his daughters and sweet note especially. And he sent me an email message, very short, yesterday -- after nothing for a couple weeks. For whatever reason he is trying to engage and I'm not doing that, no response.
You're right that letting go of the idea that he was a beautiful person is part of this. I have no idea any ore how much of what we shared was absolute fiction. And it really doesn't matter now. But it does ache like a mammaamma.
My plan is to focus my energy on NOW, on the abundance of good people and things in my life, and remember that he is not part of my now or my future, and the pain will go away. To be awake to what I'm feeling and let myself feel it (I've stifled hard things in the last), but then learn from it and move through and beyond.
Today I am going to clean out a room that's gotten supremely cluttered. It's been making me crazy thinking about it and avoiding it, and I think it's related to feeling stuck and sad with my exABF. I also have a work projec rice been avoiding hanging over my head. I'm going to commit to spending 2 hours each and then enjoying the day today for the rest of the time.
Thank you Dreams, for your straight talk. You are absolutely right and that resonates to my core.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Sadie, I'm ALL FOR de-cluttering as a therapeutic tool! I have been knee-deep in it for a few weeks now, and it is THE best thing I've done for myself since giving up drinking!
Go for it!!!
Go for it!!!
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Lexie, you have been my inspiration!!! I've never heard of UFYH but now signed up and I'm about to enter all the steps and in-EFF away!!! Gonna put on some good music and make fun out of the swirly emotional mess of crap I've been avoiding in that room!!!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Glasgow
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Sadylady I'm going through the same at the moment and trying not to run away from feelings. I'm painting my sons room today it was so filthy I had been putting it off for ages. It does help. I totally get the stuck feeling with alcoholic ex....I couldn't face looking at the mess my house has become. So tackling one thing at a time, baby steps. It does you good to face up to the mess rather than avoiding it. I think it's all fear based and facing your fears enables you to overcome them. Stay strong it's hard at times, I'm just focused on my preferred future and that does not include all the craziness and anxiety that I was living with 2 weeks ago. Sending you love
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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SadieLady,,,What a beautiful letter you wrote. I am in day 8 of an abrupt end to a five year relationship my ex-AB. I am in the survival mode of detoxing from him and the most difficult part is dealing with the side of me that has zero idea really, of who this man was. Was he the lovely charming honorable man? Or was he the one who drank secretly and whose life fell apart and into chaos. I want to remember the good times...but WTF? It's hard to honor those good times when really, everything now is a blur of confusion and questioning everything.
That gesture of the book seems to be exactly what my ex-AB did many times. He would make just enough of a gesture that seemed kind and insightful to capture my attention. I was so hungry for him to have insight and awareness of my needs that I grabbed onto anything that seemed positive with the hunger of a starving person. From what I understand, when a person is in recovery and truly understands and takes responsibility they would not send such a package. The frowny face is a give away; the pictures of the daughters seems terribly manipulative. I would friggin fall apart if I received a package like that...it would set me back.
I am so proud of the way you are handling this painful event. You are treating yourself like a best friend.
Hugs and Love,
Carrie
That gesture of the book seems to be exactly what my ex-AB did many times. He would make just enough of a gesture that seemed kind and insightful to capture my attention. I was so hungry for him to have insight and awareness of my needs that I grabbed onto anything that seemed positive with the hunger of a starving person. From what I understand, when a person is in recovery and truly understands and takes responsibility they would not send such a package. The frowny face is a give away; the pictures of the daughters seems terribly manipulative. I would friggin fall apart if I received a package like that...it would set me back.
I am so proud of the way you are handling this painful event. You are treating yourself like a best friend.
Hugs and Love,
Carrie
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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Wait, is there a website for uneffing???? I want to join this too. I am not making any progress over here at all. I am inspired but stuck.
Sadie, I know how much it hurts. It hurts SOOOOO effing badly. I have an addict brother who is in absolutely terrible shape, and I have not posted in the friends and families of substance abusers once because it is my relationship with the alcoholic that has completely overturned my life.
What keeps me from relapsing is constantly reminding myself of who my ex really was. If I get all dreamy and weepy about the beautiful wonderful side of him, I become really vulnerable.
You are doing so well. And I can tell by the things you say that it is you who are the beautiful person. You are going to get through this and find someone who deserves you.
Go UFYH!
Hugs!!
Sadie, I know how much it hurts. It hurts SOOOOO effing badly. I have an addict brother who is in absolutely terrible shape, and I have not posted in the friends and families of substance abusers once because it is my relationship with the alcoholic that has completely overturned my life.
What keeps me from relapsing is constantly reminding myself of who my ex really was. If I get all dreamy and weepy about the beautiful wonderful side of him, I become really vulnerable.
You are doing so well. And I can tell by the things you say that it is you who are the beautiful person. You are going to get through this and find someone who deserves you.
Go UFYH!
Hugs!!
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Hijacking my own thread... But I just did 2 20 minute UFYH sessions and am on my 2nd break and feel SO much better already from how much I accomplished! I can see the floor in my dining room now (it has had doors shut and has been essentially cluttered storage for a few months) and for rid of an insane amount of junk mail (and real mail sorted). Next tackling the stuff that emerged from the floor -- luggage from a recent trip, clothes and toys that need to go, books that don't fit in a bookshelf, random crap I've bought but haven't dealt with....
Do it people, UFYH helps!!!
Do it people, UFYH helps!!!
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So I did a total of 4 (or 5?) 20 min on 10 min off UFYH sessions and got a crazzzzy amount done. Raging a real break for lunch and going to do at least 2 more this afternoon. It felt GOOD!!! I absolute believe the close link between physical clutter and emotional clutter, and am committing to making my physical space nicer, tidier, and a reflection of the good health I'm aiming for.
NBay, the way you describe not really knowing who this man was is EXACTLY how it is for me. I haven't wrapped my head around that yet. I am letting go of the idea (as Dreams totally rightly pointed out) that he was the beautiful man I wanted him to be. I know those we're parts, but those aren't the one who's winning out, and what someone else here said about not tying our hopes to someone's potential rings REALLY true for me. Big hugs to you on day 8 and far beyond!
Dreams, I'm so sorry about your brother. That plus an A is a lot to handle. The package has made me melt for moments here and there. But coming here has helped so much, I've come on here when I started to spiral. And having committed here to NC somehow made it easier to honor that. Feels like honoring you all and honoring myself.
Thank you to every one of you for your support. I sure need it and it means the world to me.
NBay, the way you describe not really knowing who this man was is EXACTLY how it is for me. I haven't wrapped my head around that yet. I am letting go of the idea (as Dreams totally rightly pointed out) that he was the beautiful man I wanted him to be. I know those we're parts, but those aren't the one who's winning out, and what someone else here said about not tying our hopes to someone's potential rings REALLY true for me. Big hugs to you on day 8 and far beyond!
Dreams, I'm so sorry about your brother. That plus an A is a lot to handle. The package has made me melt for moments here and there. But coming here has helped so much, I've come on here when I started to spiral. And having committed here to NC somehow made it easier to honor that. Feels like honoring you all and honoring myself.
Thank you to every one of you for your support. I sure need it and it means the world to me.
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