theotherhalf

im really struggling with the idea that my aex never really loved me.Every one of her family members tells me that she did and that she talked about being together with me forever and that we were going to get married and live together soon. Except that as soon as she went into a sober living house she pretty much cut off all communications with me. I went from the one who she relied on to not hearing from her in over a month. When she went in there she said that we needed to take a break so that she can focus on herself except that she kept calling me every day. Then i hear thats she's in a relationship with someone in the house but its purely emotional. She told her mom that he's 18 months sober and isn't looking for anything physical and neither is she so i guess they bonded with that.
i was lied to, cheated on, and treated pretty ****** up on and off for the 3 yrs we were together but still im finding it impossible to get her off of my mind. I must dont get that she can drop me like that without saying so much as a word to me about where shes at or what she thinks the future holds. I guess its kind of unfair to ask that of her because i dont think she knows what her own future holds. Im just trying to take things one day at a time and move on with my life. I guess that if she calls ill answer and i was even thinking of asking her if she wants to grab dinner this week and talk but idk if thats a good idea. Im going to sit on it this weekend before i make any decisions.
i think that she loved me the best way she knew how. shes comes from a ****** up childhood and i dont think ever really knew what true love is and how to truely love someone. She def doesnt love herself so how can she love anyone else. I just pray that shes working the program the way shes supposed to and that it will help her in the future.
in the meantime ive been going to CODA meetings and Nar-Anon meetings to try and figure out how to get on with my life. its been a difficult road and if a friend told me everything that had happened to me i would say head for ze hills but its much easier said then done when the shoe is on the other foot. Maybe i should be counting my blessings that its over and now i can find someone that will really love me and treat me right. its just hard to get past her.She was the one who i looked forward to seeing every day or talking to and finding out how her day was going..She put a smile on my face and made the mundane bearable.
just venting..thanks for letting me share...

zoso77

Yeah, I've heard that line, too. "I need to work on me". Sick attracts sick. Remember that.

Do a search for a post called "ZoSo's Laws for Surviving a Breakup with an Addict". I think it may help you a bit. If you do the things you're supposed to do, you will be counting your blessings it's over sooner than you think.

ZoSo

theotherhalf

wow..just read it...ut story sound similar...she was ******* this guy for the final two months and using him to buy her dope...i dealt with all the lies and insane stuff..suicide threats and cutting had been going on the whole time...constant depression from her...i was always the bad guy and was putting to much pressure on her...it was always overwhelming....i def envy you for being able to snap out of it so quick...so i guess asking to grab something to eat so we can talk and i can get some closure isnt really a good idea then?

theotherhalf

and did she try and contact you again after all of that?

theotherhalf

and as i read your past post we also have the BPD thing in common, well shes got Bi polar..similar...shes on lithium right now...i wonder if the BPD is what makes it so easy to just disconnect with someone that you supposedly love

zoso77

She attempted to contact me about a year later from a new phone number. I blocked the number. She has since gotten married.

Bipolar is a mood disorder, a real chemical imbalance in the brain. Whereas Borderline Personality Disorder is a character disorder, similar to Antisocial Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. What's worse? Hard to say, but dealing with someone with BPD automatically puts you at a disadvantage. Because nothing you say or do will have any lasting long term impact for the better. If you think she's Borderline, pick up a copy of "I Hate You Don't Leave Me".

Once you read it, you'll understand. And once you understand, you'll be thanking God for the rest of your life that she's gone.

In the meantime, don't let a sick person bring you down.

ZoSo

theotherhalf

i think shes a mix of both although shes been diagnosed with biP...she was going to DBT before going into rehab because she really has no skills to help her cope with high except to completely freak out or get high or both....i have to wonder whats ****** up with me since after everything that ive been through with her...all the complete craziness..i still sit here hoping that she will call me....just crazy

zoso77

You best be careful what you ask for. You just might get it. And then where will you be?

A gift fell in your lap. Take advantage. Deal with the short term heartbreak as best you can. You'll live. But you have to make a clean break.

ZoSo

theotherhalf

like i said i know its crazy thinking lol...im hoping to get past this soon...i know that if she were to call me and we went back to things the way they were it would more than likely be no better...instead of relying on her mom to do things for her it would be back to me doing it and when i couldnt for some reason...a valid one more than likely...a bomb would drop...i get the school thing you went through also...she had me up until 4 in the morning ,to get up at 6, on the night before my graduation with one of her dope outbursts...i got two hours sleep before what should have been one of the best days of my life...only one graduation in my life and thats my memory of it....

YearForMe

Taking all that you know right now.....

And then fast forward 5-10-20 years from now.....

Which do you think is the more likely statement?

"dang...she went on to have a wonderful life without me"

OR

"Wow...nothing ever changed with her....I'm so glad I didn't waste another minute on that nonsense"

Maya Angelou says:
“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

When People Show You Who They Are, Believe Them - Video - @OWNTV #Lifeclass

theotherhalf

am i naive to think that i would want #1 and to interject "with me" in there?

zoso77

Dude...the greatest thing about this board is the aggregate wisdom. And when you process the aggregate wisdom, my hope is that you identify with the experiences that we've shared. Apparently, you can identify with mine, which is what I hoped for when I sent you to that post of mine.

I made that post 11 months ago. Since then, I've finished graduate school and have reclaimed my rightful place as one of my department's best young engineers. None of that would have happened if my AXGF was still in the picture. She gave me a gift by doing what she did.

And what I'm trying to impress upon you is your ex gave you a gift. I don't care if she's Bipolar or she's Borderline. Either way, when you combine that with substance abuse, she's Trouble with a capital T.

Ultimately, it's your life. You'll make your own decisions. But remember that every decision we make has intended and unintended consequences. And when you're dealing with an addict with psych issues, you have to make decisions based on what you know to be true instead of what you hope could happen in your heart. She's shown you a lot. Your eyes aren't lying. Pay attention.

Good luck.

ZoSo

theotherhalf

and thats why i come to these boards..the brutal honesty and experiences of others can help me see through the fog of this....thanks for the advice

YearForMe

My personal opinion (so take what you want...and leave the rest)

You are living in the "hopeful fantasy" that we talk alot about here.

sugarbear1

The 12 Steps: A Way Out:
A Working Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholic and Other Dysfunctional...

work the steps to a new perspective on life

Hugs,
~SB

theotherhalf

does the hopeful fantasy ever work out?im guessing the odds arent in the favor of a yes

theotherhalf

i just feel kind of lost right now...i now i should be looking at this like a blessing..just hard when the person who you think your going to spend the rest of your life with,have kids with suddenly doesnt think the same,well i actually have no idea what shes thinking.
im thinking of breaking the no contact and just seeing if she wants to grab a slice of pizza and talk for a little bit...i know im opening myself up to getting hurt all over again but at least i can get some closure..maybe

zoso77

Here's a question.

You're walking down the street one day, and you happen to notice there's a downed power line in your path. Would you pick it up or walk away somewhere safe?

theotherhalf

haha i know i know...you have to excuse my warped mind right now...im trying to change it one day at a time...so i take it your opinion is to not even bother with it

RedBaron5

I'm going to post my story and I think you should read it. It will probably strike a few chords with you. Although it might be a little long winded. I met me EXAGF 3 years ago. She was beautiful, smart, funny, Everything a guy dreams of, she was SUPER charming. Everyone around her would always refer to her as a beautiful soul, social butterfly, ect ect. We dated for around 11 months and it was ecstasy, midnight trips to disneyland, you name it, it was awesome. we were in LOVE. she made me feel like the king of the world. Then the red flags started to appear. She would say she didn't like my friends for no apparent logical reason. I would catch her yelling at her mother. Her finances were in poor order, Her car got repossessed. she wasn't working as much as she should and was skirting responsibility. The relationship started to feel one sided. I bailed. I explained how i felt to her and told her I was leaving the relationship because it felt one sided. She yelled and screamed, I told her i was NOT leaving to be with other women, I elegantly explained if I was going to feel alone, I would rather be alone. She hated me. A couple months went by and I start to think about her with rose colored glasses. I can't get ahold of her. I finally stop by her house and she is'nt there. she is being evicted. I stop the eviction by paying a few months back rent and get inside, there I find all the foils, ballons, you name it, Heroin. I couldn't get ahold of her parents so I stayed with her and enabled her for a few weeks. I didn't know what to do. She was a straight junkie, but telling me how much she loved me for "saving her" see; enabling. Finally push came to shove and I chloroformed her and dropped her off at her dads doorstep in colorado. (we lived in vegas) She went to rehab, I drove out there dozens of times and put 60,000 miles on a cadalliac LEASE. She wrote me a beautiful letter, telling me how much she loved me, and how when she got clean and better we were going to be together, get married. be together forever in her words. It was a great letter, it struck every chord with my feelings, and she took responsibility for messing up everything. She called me everyday from rehab crying about how much she missed me, how good she was doing, How much she LOVED me and wanted to marry me. I flew up there for meeting with the counselors. She told me she wanted to come home and start a life together. I supported her 100% Then, the calls became less frequent, one day she called me and said she wanted to stay in fort collins for a bit to help her stay clean, but we were definitely still together. (giant red flag) I found out later she had met a guy from sober living (I found out in a really awful way) she was sleeping with him and cheating on me, while everyday calling me and telling me she loved me. I found out and I was furious, I found out while I was visiting her so I drove home and blocked her number, I was done. But she sent me a letter saying how sorry she was. she elegantly explained that she was replacing one high(heroin) with another (cheating) and that she only wanted me, she loved me and was SO sorry she said. I drove back up there like a sucker and she cried for HOURS telling me how sorry she was and what a great guy I was. She had to move to steamboat springs CO to stay with her dad and told me to come visit her everyweek, that she was leaving Fort collins and the other guy behind. So I did, I visited her every week, for an entire YEAR. all the whole skirting my responsibilities in las vegas. She seemed to be doing great. She voluntarily took drug test. a few months of this goes by and SHE took me to a beautiful waterfall in steamboat springs and told me what a great guy I had been for helping her through her addiction, how sorry she was about cheating, then she asked me to marry her, I cried and said yes. I loved her. Ill wrap this one up, I probaly flew and drove out there about 40 more times over the next year. There were red flags here and there but I ignored them and my gut. (Like One time on valentines day a guy came over to bring HER flowers) she said he was just a dude that had a crush on her, what an idiot I was. She would call me everyday and tell me she loved me so much and missed me. when was the next time I could come out ect ect. It all came to a head June 21st, last month, when she and 4 of her friends came to las vegas for the electric daisy carnival, we all had a blast and I'm well off so I took care of them and payed for everything. I take my GF shopping and she is all over me telling her friends how great I am. We slept together 6 times. It was awesome. They go back to colorado and 3 days later or so I get a call from one of her guy friends that came down telling me what a cool guy I am and how he has to tell me the truth. He tells me That my GF has a BOYFRIEND in colorado, and that he doesnt know about me, the FIANCEE. He(GF's friend) also tells me that when my GF first got to colorado HE had slept with her, and around 7 or 8 other guys too. (what a sucker I am). First thing I do is tell the new boyfriend in colorado, He is devastated because he thought MY GF was HIS GF. Crazy right? I know. I confront her and instantly she is cold and distant, saying we are broken up now and its not of my business, but 6 days earlier we were together, partying, and going to EDC, nice huh? She had "been" with her new BF for over 2 months. Then she blocks MY number. She tells the New BF that I am crazy and that weve been broken up for months, and we were never engaged! She also had told all her friends that came to Vegas to not tell me anything that was going on, but they are good people, so they told me. Luckily The new BF believed me and my EXGF friends and he dodged a gigantic bullet. but yea, Think this one ever loved me? doubt it. This is Borderline personality disorder, it will make YOU CRAZY. My EXGF actually had histrionic personality disorder (similar). Its crazy what these people can do man. RUN for the hills and count your blessings. My problem is I still have ALL her stuff and havnt decided what to do with it... Did I get played? ofcourse, and so did you, ask yourself one VERY simple question, did you ever really feel loved?