RJG

Hi Everyone,

I'm not too sure where to begin. My husband is a heroin addict. I'm going to vent out the whole story, but I know my story is not unique. So just fast forward to the end if you want to avoid the details.

I joined this message board about a year ago, when my AH checked into detox in order to help him stop taking vicodin. He had developed a bad habit after having some injuries at work, but couldn't take his prescription as prescribed. He was clean all last summer and it wasn't until the middle of fall that I discovered he was taking pills again. Before I found this out I became pregnant with our second daughter.

Fast forward to December, and his habit had gotten very out of control again. He took a lay off from work (construction) and he detoxed himself a week before Christmas. I was having a very difficult pregnancy on top of all of this. Severe morning sickness, working full time, having a 2 year old at home, and being responsible for everything (making sure bills got paid, everyone fed, house cleaned, etc.). I thought he was clean until I found a new script for vicodin in his car at the end of February. First he told me he got it filled because his mom ran out of her script. I didn't really believe him, but a week later he tells me the truth, and says that his mom gave him vicodins at the end of January when he was sore without him even asking her for them. His mom was well aware of his problem with these pills. He went back to work at the end of February with an addiction to vicodin. Things were bad at home and he was emotionally abusing me. Come the middle of April, things got really out of control. He came home one day so messed up I thought he was going to die. I knew he had to of done something extreme. I assumed he took a lot of pills at once. But the next day I found a needle in his pocket. I confronted him about it and he made up a bs excuse. I wanted to believe him, but deep down I didn't. At this point I am 2 months away from my due date and just trying to keep everything afloat. Things were bad for the next month, but I didn't see any signs of heroin use, just his vicodin problem. My husband had started hanging around his brother a lot during this time. His brother is an addict whom wasn't actively using (or so I thought). His brother has stolen from us and I was really mad he was letting his brother be around our house so much. By mid-May I started seeing signs of heroin use. I found another needle, spoons, etc. I confronted him and he broke down and told me what he had been doing. I told him he needed to check himself into a program, because I can't do this anymore. He ended up trying to detox at his mom's first. But he ended up getting drugs from someone in his moms apt complex. When he came home I thought he was clean at first, and then saw more signs of drug use. Then he got arrested for trying to sell stolen goods. He called me to bail him out telling me he had gotten pulled over (his license was suspended). I go to the police station with my 2.5 year old daughter, 38 weeks pregnant. I was sat down in a room and a detective talked to me telling me my husband has a drug problem, etc etc, and I find out why he was really arrested. I didn't bail him out. I left him there. I drove straight to my mom's house after and told her and my sisters everything I had been keeping from about my husband. They were shocked. I slept at my moms house that night because I didn't want to go home in case someone else bailed my husband out. The next morning I woke up and he had gotten bailed out and left me voice mails hysterically crying saying he can't lose me and he was going to check himself into a detox. That day I dropped him off at a detox program where he stayed for 6 days. He had lined up an intensive outpatient program for when he got home and was going to meetings everyday. The outpatient program kicked him out because a girl already in the program had stolen from AH's mom a couple weeks before and she was uncomfortable with him being there (this is true, I talked to the people at the program because I thought my husband was lying to me). After that I know he used, but didn't find out till later. I gave birth to my daughter the end of that week (June 28th....she was a pound and a half lighter than my first, most likely because I couldn't eat as much because I was so stressed). He was there for the birth, but was barely at the hospital with me at all. When I got home 2 days later I found one black spoon in the dishwasher. But honestly I just didn't want to deal with it. I was 2 days postpartum with a newborn and 2.5 year old. My first full day home he disappears from 10:30am-12:30 am, with a bs story. Then the next couple days were all him disappearing for hours and then more bs stories. Finally by the end of the week I flipped and spent the whole next 2 days with the girls at my moms house. This caused my husband to freak out. He finally sounded like he realized how much he has put me through. He set up an appt with a counselor.

The last 2 weeks have had a few arguments but we are able to talk more like adults then really fight. He has done a few things that are sketchy, but he seems sober. He went to a late meeting last weekend and didn't get home till much later than he should have. The next day I found needles in his car. He told me he picked up this guy and girl (that he was using with before, and I didn't want him to go near) to drop them off at the hospital because they called him because they were all messed up and they had no money and no drugs. He told me they must have had the needles on them and left them in the car before going to the hospital. He admitted he picked them up hoping they would have heroin for him, but they didn't so he didn't use. After this I told him that he has to clean his car and all of his stuff completely, because if I find anymore drug related stuff (needles, needle caps, spoons etc) I am done for good. I haven't found anything and he has been home pretty much all week. He is being nice, affectionate, and we can actually have a conversation without him flipping out on me. We took a nice day trip with the girls hiking and we had fun for the first time in ages. He is starting to get his sense of humor back. But starting yesterday he was complaining of feeling sick, and I can't help but think its withdrawals. Neither one of us even left the house at all yesterday.... He just left the house now to change his cell phone number because I have been wanting him to do that. So that is the whole story. But this is where I need advice:

I have turned into the police at our house. I have control of all money and have all important documents, checkbooks etc. at my moms house. I hate him most of the time and I hate what I've turned into. Every time he leaves the house I am constantly checking his bank account to see where he is and where he is spending/withdrawing his money. I refuse to live like this. I do not want my daughters growing up in a house like this. I was raised with morals and am highly educated. I want my kids to have the best. I want to make him leave. But it is so complicated. We own our house together and he literally has no where to go. If he has to pay rent somewhere, then we can't pay our mortgage. Our house has lots of little projects that need to be fixed before it can go on the market (painting and some plumbing work). My family will help me with this (they want me to leave so badly) but it is such a daunting task when I have a newborn and a 2.5 year old. I also fear for if I do divorce him, I do not want him alone with the girls. If I don't see him everyday I won't know how he is doing. Right now I have control over him taking the girls anywhere. He has no car seats in his car and I don't allow him to drive my car anymore. So he hasn't taken my oldest anywhere in months. If I try to do anything legal to keep the girls away from him, he will turn nasty. He has a criminal record and has no regard for the law. So using the law against him will only make things far worse. I also fear if I leave him that he will kill himself. He has already told me that he can't live without me and that the thought of him losing me and the girls makes him want to go out and get a lethal amount of heroin and just OD. If I were to go through with divorcing him and selling the house I would be able to move in with my mom and it would be a nice living situation for me and the girls. But if I don't make a decision soon my mom is going to have to sell her large house to downsize, because she cannot afford it anymore after losing her job. I used to be in love my husband, but I honestly don't think I can forgive him for all the pain he has caused me. I will always love him, but right now my resentment towards him outweighs that love. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be stupid, and I feel like I have been. I'm 28 years old, I am a teacher, and me and my girls deserve better than this. So why does it have to be so hard to leave? Any advice? I have looked up Alanon and Naranon meetings, but there aren't any meetings close enough for me to go to when I have a newborn.

nytepassion

Being a recovering addict myself I say, Embrace who he is today and not who or what you hope he will be tomorrow. You have your children to take care of and in order to be able to do that you must also take care of yourself. You can police him, but that won't stop his addiction. It only delays the inevitable whatever it might be.

As for his comment "that he can't live without me and that the thought of him losing me and the girls makes him want to go out and get a lethal amount of heroin and just OD." that is pure manipulation to keep you from ever leaving. Addicts know your fear and they play on it. He is emotionally/psychologically holding you hostage. That is a huge sign that he is in a very sick and dark place.

The truth of the matter is if he doesn't get help he is slowly committing suicide anyway. He is playing russian roulette with his life every time he sticks a needle in his arm and he could OD whether you leave him or not. Not trying to sound harsh or callous, but it is the truth and at this point it would be best if you focused on yourself and the girls because no matter what he is who he is and today he is a man with an active addiction.

Addiction has a rock bottom for all addicts unfortunately some addicts rock bottom is death. No one knows what your husbands rock bottom will be, but you can bank on the fact that as long as your husband is using your family will be on a never ending roller-coaster ride from hell.

If you are looking for security and serenity along with a solid foundation for your you and your kids then I'd say moving in with your mom would be the best option because right now all your husband has to offer is broken-ness. Opt for a healthy environment for you and the kids and if somewhere down the line your husband finds true recovery you can always opt to get back together.

The truth is if he wants recovery he can find it whether or not you two are together or not. If for some reason he never finds it you and the girls are going to okay no matter what.

Hugs,
Passion

cynical one

I think you've answered your own questions. He can take care of his big ole adult self. It's your responsibility to take care of you and your girls...starting with providing them with a nice living situation.

RJG

But I will not allow him to live in the house alone. He is dirty and has ruined the house enough already. Without me there it will get trashed. It was my money that went toward the deposit on the house and I want to make sure I make something back if it is sold. If I leave with the girls to stay at my moms how can I stop him from staying at the house?

EnglishGarden

A noted counselor to alcoholic families back in the 80's--Janet Wotitiz--wrote a book called "Marriage on the Rocks" which is directed primarily to wives of alcoholics but of course most of the issues are the same for wives of drug addicts.

About the manipulation of the alcoholic/addict who threatens suicide, she wrote this in the book:

"Recently I've been working with a family in which the alcoholic husband is continually threatening suicide. This keeps the rest of the family off balance. Every time he makes his threat they get scared and try to talk him out of it. They minister to his every need and whim.... The last time his wife called me in a panic with 'This time he really means it.' I answered, 'Say goodbye. After all if he really means it there's nothing you can do.'

When she said 'Goodbye', he came right home. What else could he do? Thinking he might be ready for some help, I called him the next day. 'My family would be better off without me,' he lamented.

'They probably won't dance in the streets,' I answered, 'but I will, because at least you have made a decision." I also gave him the name of a doctor who would prescribe medication to ease convulsions while he was making his decision. He still hasn't made it.

He's dying more slowly from alcohol than from the more flamboyant act of suicide, but he's given up the threats....."

Tough talk from a counselor who's seen it all.

cynical one

Put everything in storage, change the locks, hire a handyman to do some cosmetic work, put the house on the market.

DG0409

Talk to a lawyer.

Keep a record of all evidence of his drug use and any threats and abuse. It will be useful in court. Records of him going to rehab and his time in jail will help you immensely with custody stuff... it shouldn't be a problem for you to get custody and for him to be required supervision or to take drug tests before any visitation.

He may not have much respect for the law, BUT the law is still the law and funny enough, the law doesn't have much respect for people without respect for the law. Get a restraining order. Then if he contacts you, it's a "Go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200 sort of deal." It took me a long time to have the guts to go the authorities and get their help in dealing with my ex because I was afraid it would make it worse. HE wanted me to be afraid that it would make it worse, but the restraining order worked.

Honestly, the house and the money for it don't matter nearly as much as you and your children being in a safe place. You CAN sell it without doing the projects, it might not bring in as much, but your safety and sanity are more important than the money.

He'll find a place to go. I read a brilliant line from somebody else on here who said they were worried about the same thing with their addicted bf or husband... something to the extent of "I was worried about where he'd go until I remembered he has friends with floors." And it sounds like his mom would take him in if nothing else. And if not... sleeping under the stars isn't all that bad and it comes with a nice view.

I agree with others here that the suicide threats are a way to control and manipulate you. But in the end, if he really wants to do it, there is nothing that you can do. It's not your responsibility to stay with a drug user because he thinks he doesn't want to be left alone.

Stay strong. I know you're in a rough spot. Listen to your heart. I think you already know the situation isn't one you want to stay in. You are stronger than you know, and you'll make it out and eventually be happy again.

Sending hugs your way.

Carlotta

The house will get sold one way or another, it s just material. Do you want your children growing up with someone who is a junkie and a thief? What if CPS gets involved the next time he gets in trouble with the law?

cynical one

All suicide threats should be taken seriously by calling 911 each and every time. Period.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR....lots of collective wisdom here.

My XAH threatened suicide and held me emotionally hostage for five years. I do wish that I had called 911......except the threats were always stated "if you leave me....I will kill myself". There was no imminent threat.......what would calling 911 do? Perhaps this is how the conversation might have gone:

Me: "Hello my husband says he'll kill himself if I leave him."

911 operator: "are you leaving him?"

Me: "no..I can't....if I do.....he'll kill himself."

911 operator: "well...call us back when you're ready to leave him."

I did leave him.....30 years ago. He's still alive. He's still addicted. I'm not suggesting that your situation would be the same but perhaps it's important to think about your own welfare and the welfare of two tiny girls who need a stable, loving, sober parent to take care of them. I'm not suggesting that you should leave him. Your husband is an adult and he's very capable of taking care of himself. Addicts are extremely resourceful. It's our fear that keeps us from allowing them to feel the full consequences of their addiction........yet it's those very consequences that can save their lives.

I've also been through this suicide threat scenario with my son (who is now an adult and is a recovering addict). Those were threats that involved the police when I knew where he was. I can't tell you how many times I had to say goodbye to him.....wondering if he was going to die that night. His bottom was very low but he eventually had enough consequences pile up on him that he sought help for himself. As hard as it was, I'm glad I gave him the opportunity to discover his own strength.

After years of dealing with life (and drug addiction), I have come to realize that I don't have problems......I usually have solutions I don't like.

gentle hugs
ke

Carlotta

I completely agree with you Kindeyes.
It would be a shame to tie up emergency services because of some jackasses who are just using the good old emotional blackmail trick when a lot of municipalities have had to cut down their budgets.
Any emergency vehicle dispatched for one of those idiots is one less available for someone who truly needs help.
Maybe I sound harsh but growing up as a kid, my mom and my dad did that crap to each other on a regular basis: "If you leave me, I ll kill myself"..."If you keep cheating on me, I'll kill myself" and on and on with the freaking drama.
I used to be devastated until I grew a thick skin. If someone ever tries to blackmail me that way, I'd be "go ahead, make my day" and just get on with what I am doing.

YouWillBe

The MOST important thing is not whether he will commit suicide if you leave, but how many addictions you are going to have to deal with if you stay.

Your girls are watching EVERYTHING. They see it, even at their young age. And with an addiction like this, unless he gets serious help RIGHT NOW, it will be a years/decades/lifelong thing.

By the time your girls are teenagers the mess will be so great and the stress of living in this home so hurtful that they will very possibly go down the same road as dad.

GET THEM SAFE, NOW. I know you know all that...but the pull of a manipulative loved one is so strong, he could string you along literally forever.

As the mother of a heroin addict daughter, you think the pain of seeing your husband like this is awful...there is no comparison to watching your child self-destruct.

I'm so sorry...I can't imagine having my life partner go through this. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you find a way out.

LoveMeNow

Does your husband have any close friends?

Trishd

Get out, look after yourself and your girls, he and only he will stop if he wants to, what happens if one of yor kids O D accidentally u would never forgive yourself, he clearly does not care about himself, so he sure as hell will not care about his family, GET OUT

RJG

He has some friends but I don't know who would take him in. He's been mostly out of touch with his friends since April. He's reconnected with them in the past month, but with most of them knowing about his addiction, try or their wives probably wouldn't want him there.

Yesterday he changed his cell phone number and fully cleaned out his car. He was gone longer than he should have been so I was upset when he came home. I told him I can't live like this. I love him but the fact that I don't know of ill ever trust him again makes it hard to want to stay trying to work things out. I also said that I don't know how we will be able to pay the mortgage for September if he doesn't go back to work so the house might have to be sold regardless. The conversation kind of died because it was the dinner hour and I had to get my older daughter fed. Hopefully today we'll get some clarity.

YearForMe

RJG....

My experiences....

I stayed and tried to get things together and protect my house.....thought I was doing so well until I found out I needed $2,000 worth of dental work directly related to stress.

My husband threatened suicide. I left....he's still alive....

My house is on the market...he is there....I am not....
The Realtor has a strong personality and puts up with -0- nonsense from him.

There are ways around everything.....and once you put yourself and your girls first...the rest is just logistics.

I suggest you start by talking to a Realtor and see about getting the house listed.
If you are that close to not being able to make the September payment...then something has to give.

If you don't have any equity in the house....then not much matters.
If you do...then get a lawyer to give you some advice.

What I can tell you....without a doubt.....once I started making big bold moves....
I got my power back.

wiscsober

Sorry for not being able to read your entire post....

Wish you the best...and I'm glad you are taking on your own recovery.

Many Alanon and Naranon members will chat with you by phone, possibly visit you and take you and the kid out for coffee, also SR members, online chats, wealth of Alanon and Naranon literature on the web.

Keep you in my thoughts through out the day.

allforcnm

My insights come from being a wife whose husband was addicted to prescription pain meds after an injury and multiple surgeries. We separated while he was actively using. Did this when he said that he did not want to stop using, and his behavior at home was not acceptable to me. He was working and was able to move out and lease a place to live. While we were separated for about a year; his use progressed to other drugs, primarily Xanax and cocaine. When he later went into treatment I stood by him. He did a 3 month inpatient and followed it up with private therapy and is now 15 months clean and doing well. He is back home with me, and our little boy.

I just want to share a few thoughts. First, if you have not read up on the medical side of addiction I suggest that you do this. I found it very helpful in understanding my husband’s struggles with drugs, the difficulty in stopping, and also it explained many of the behaviors I saw when he was actively using. Drug use causes changes to the body and the brain. At a subconscious level, the brain actually believes drugs are necessary for survival. This causes people to change in many ways, and exhibit the symptoms of disease: lying to protect the drug use, irresponsible behavior, dangerous behavior. Understanding this allowed me to gain perspective. It also helped me to forgive him once he went into recovery mode. It does not excuse the behavior, or make it acceptable while it is happening. You have every right to protect yourself and your children from the damage of addictive behavior. There are a couple if stickies at the top of this forum from the National Institute of Drug Abuse. There are also links to their site, and a couple others. I have found these very helpful in advancing my understanding of addiction.

I think the plan you have in place to move to your mothers is very smart. It sounds like it would be a very healthy environment for you and the kids. Separation and divorce is never easy, and there is often financial loss to both parties. I think this is something that just has to be accepted as part of the process. I would suggest that you talk to an attorney and get preliminary information in regards to your rights if you proceed.

When my husband was in rehab, I started working with a therapist and it was a great help to me. It helped me understand my feelings, my fears, and helped me make sound decisions about my future. I would suggest this for you. Dealing with addiction is hard, but separation and divorce are also very emotional. I think this type of support would be really beneficial.

My husband and I also did marriage counseling. We started this when he was about 6 weeks clean and in rehab. His rehab suggested it for us. It was also very helpful, and again something I would recommend. It can help you make certain of your feelings, and your choices going forward. I also think it could help with communication, and if there is a separation then it might be a neutral place where you could work out issues related to your kids.

Im sorry your family is going through this. Nothing related to addiction is easy.

RJG

It took a few days, and it took me finding more evidence that my husband is currently using. But I am now at my mom's house with my daughters. Will most likely get the house ready to sell over the next month so it can hopefully go on the market in September. I pray he is serious about his recovery this time for my daughter's, but I am no longer going to ruin my life stressing about it and policing him.

Thanks for the advice and support.

DG0409

RJG thanks for the update.

It is good to hear that you are moving on, although I'm sure it's a rough time for you right now. My heart goes out to you.