He only went to AA to save his marriage
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He only went to AA to save his marriage
This is the nonsense he is telling the court. All those letters he wrote about being an alcoholic, going to AA, seeking sobriety, considering rehab? That was just him being a nice guy to his demanding wife who wouldn't be satisfied with less. And the poor downtrodden fellow. His wife wouldn't even let him drink a couple beers in the house!
And all of those times the police got involved? That was just her being manipulative so she could get a divorce and keep her apartment. How could such a sweet guy possibly have threatened to kill her? No, she must be some crazy lady.
The thing that hurts? It's that people believe him. My family doctor believes him and wrote a letter to the judge saying he has no pathology. His colleague, a woman, wrote that it was impossible for him to be an alcoholic or abusive in any way. And it goes on. These are people I have known for 10-20 years.
I know, who gives a *** what people think?
But I have to admit. It. Really. Hurts. Me.
And all of those times the police got involved? That was just her being manipulative so she could get a divorce and keep her apartment. How could such a sweet guy possibly have threatened to kill her? No, she must be some crazy lady.
The thing that hurts? It's that people believe him. My family doctor believes him and wrote a letter to the judge saying he has no pathology. His colleague, a woman, wrote that it was impossible for him to be an alcoholic or abusive in any way. And it goes on. These are people I have known for 10-20 years.
I know, who gives a *** what people think?
But I have to admit. It. Really. Hurts. Me.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Of COURSE it's BS. Every alcoholic lies, and every alcoholic has a cadre of enablers.
Actually, the stuff about his motivation for going is probably accurate. He probably DID go more to get you off his back than because of any deep longing for sobriety.
I'm sorry, Pippi, really. But I can't say I'm all that surprised.
Actually, the stuff about his motivation for going is probably accurate. He probably DID go more to get you off his back than because of any deep longing for sobriety.
I'm sorry, Pippi, really. But I can't say I'm all that surprised.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 352
His enablers weren't there. They didn't live with him or have a relationship with him. They no nothing. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. How the hell can his colleague comment? You know the truth and you could write a thousand letters if you needed to. They've believed his lies so more for them.
When my partner and I split a couple of years ago I remember he'd fed his family a load of BS and his sister had the nerve to call me up and tell me "oh well when he came round to tell me it was over he was completely fine and there's nothing wrong with him it's just he's unhappy in the relationship". Stupid cow. She wasn't the one who saw his empty "wrap" that he'd dropped on his way to hers. So I can definitely e patties with why you're so angry but again, just remember, you lived with it they didn't so what do they know anyway?
When my partner and I split a couple of years ago I remember he'd fed his family a load of BS and his sister had the nerve to call me up and tell me "oh well when he came round to tell me it was over he was completely fine and there's nothing wrong with him it's just he's unhappy in the relationship". Stupid cow. She wasn't the one who saw his empty "wrap" that he'd dropped on his way to hers. So I can definitely e patties with why you're so angry but again, just remember, you lived with it they didn't so what do they know anyway?
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: United Kingdom
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And guess what? We got back together not long after and there was loads of drama and eventually it came out that he is indeed and addict, all the stuff she said he wasn't. He's in recovery now but since that conversation 2 years ago she has refused to acknowledge me or speak to me. Must really hurt to look like such an idiot! Haha!
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: San Mateo, Ca
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by PippiLngstockng 
This is the nonsense he is telling the court. All those letters he wrote about being an alcoholic, going to AA, seeking sobriety, considering rehab? That was just him being a nice guy to his demanding wife who wouldn't be satisfied with less. And the poor downtrodden fellow. His wife wouldn't even let him drink a couple beers in the house!
And all of those times the police got involved? That was just her being manipulative so she could get a divorce and keep her apartment. How could such a sweet guy possibly have threatened to kill her? No, she must be some crazy lady.
The thing that hurts? It's that people believe him. My family doctor believes him and wrote a letter to the judge saying he has no pathology. His colleague, a woman, wrote that it was impossible for him to be an alcoholic or abusive in any way. And it goes on. These are people I have known for 10-20 years.
I know, who gives a *** what people think?
But I have to admit. It. Really. Hurts. Me.
And all of those times the police got involved? That was just her being manipulative so she could get a divorce and keep her apartment. How could such a sweet guy possibly have threatened to kill her? No, she must be some crazy lady.
The thing that hurts? It's that people believe him. My family doctor believes him and wrote a letter to the judge saying he has no pathology. His colleague, a woman, wrote that it was impossible for him to be an alcoholic or abusive in any way. And it goes on. These are people I have known for 10-20 years.
I know, who gives a *** what people think?
But I have to admit. It. Really. Hurts. Me.
I know your living in it, but this might help:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-thinking.html
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by KKE
They didn't live with him or have a relationship with him. They no nothing. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. How the hell can his colleague comment?
I know it hurts and I'm so sorry that you're dealing with feeling betrayed by family and friends. At least I experienced it as a feeling of being betrayed. Of wondering how these people could believe I'd lie about something so huge.
XFIL agreed to help me find a home after I left AXH (he's a realator). He made a big show of pointing out the doors for the bedrooms and bathrooms. "You can look at the doors. This is how you know if there was dv in the family. Because, you know, the woman runs from her husband and tries to lock him out. If there's a problem, he'll break the door to get her. So if the doors are broken, there was a problem."
Niiiiiice. Subtle. And just maybe the doors were fixed before moving out?
Sending hugs.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 25
Sorry Pippi, that sucks. Shame on us for thinking they would take responsibility for their behaviour. Shame on us for letting ourselves get fooled yet again.
These are all learning experiences, and now you will know better next time.
PS I sent you a private message.
These are all learning experiences, and now you will know better next time.
PS I sent you a private message.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Some of the stuff you just have to experience and endure just to understand that it is what it is.
At this point, it is just court. Not really about you, not the "we" you had then, or even the here and now.
It just is what it is.
Best to just pick it up, look it over to understand it, sit it back down, and move on.
At this point, it is just court. Not really about you, not the "we" you had then, or even the here and now.
It just is what it is.
Best to just pick it up, look it over to understand it, sit it back down, and move on.
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 179
I am so sorry - their reaction may have more to do with them then with you (their drinking problem, their own denial, their facade that they want to maintain in their own lives). I think someone being honest can be inherently scary to people who aren't honest with themselves. Not that it doesn't still suck though.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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Writing to you is helping me to prevent this stuff from eating me alive
Going back to that awful letter AH's colleague writes to the judge...
This colleague, who has not seen the children and I in the past three years, writes that I am demanding, lazy, manipulative, and dishonest, among other things. She writes that I amiving an exorbitant lifestyle, all the while, she has never been to my little apartment where I sleep on an Ikea mattress on the floor next to my two younger children.
Firthermore, she writes that it is impossible for AH to be successful and productive at work if he were an addict. She says that he is athletic and a good role model. She says he isn't capable of being violent and never loses his temper at work. She writes in support of his efforts to have the children in his care for five consecutive weeks, saying that he will take excellent care of the children and they would benefit greatly from his influence.
So. her (his, because this is what he tells everyone who listens) explanation for my allegations would be that I am a selfish, impossible, lying witch.
It isn't just this one woman believing this, either.
AH used to tell me that no one would ever believe me. He set me up, telling people over the years how he loved me but how I was a very difficult person, comaining when he obviously was the nicest, most patient husband; best father ever; and exclent provider. Whenever people would visit, he would grab a baby in his arms and rush out to greet them. He would next grab the food that I was preparing in the kitchen and start mixing the salad and serving the guests. He would keep me in the kitchen and take people around our property, impressing them with all he provided us. People would leave thinking how lucky I was and be sympathetic to his efforts to please his difficult wife.
My father didn't like me ever. He was verbally abusive to me, referring to me as 'big mouth'. He was abusive towards my mother. She never stood up to him. Since I was 3 or 4, it was me who got between them and defended her. Then they both got mad at me. I was so angry, the way he would treat us. I knew it was wrong and I was impatient with how my mother played the martyr because she didn't protect herself or me. I used to wish deeply that he would go away and never come back. And then I would feel like a horrible person for wishing such things.
And here we go again. I just want to be left to lead a peaceful existence. I don't like having to go against anyone, going to court (twice last week) and say H is an A. I feel like 'big mouth' all over again. I know I am protecting myself and the children, but it has been a long drawn out battle, and increasingly public.
Going back to that awful letter AH's colleague writes to the judge...
This colleague, who has not seen the children and I in the past three years, writes that I am demanding, lazy, manipulative, and dishonest, among other things. She writes that I amiving an exorbitant lifestyle, all the while, she has never been to my little apartment where I sleep on an Ikea mattress on the floor next to my two younger children.
Firthermore, she writes that it is impossible for AH to be successful and productive at work if he were an addict. She says that he is athletic and a good role model. She says he isn't capable of being violent and never loses his temper at work. She writes in support of his efforts to have the children in his care for five consecutive weeks, saying that he will take excellent care of the children and they would benefit greatly from his influence.
So. her (his, because this is what he tells everyone who listens) explanation for my allegations would be that I am a selfish, impossible, lying witch.
It isn't just this one woman believing this, either.
AH used to tell me that no one would ever believe me. He set me up, telling people over the years how he loved me but how I was a very difficult person, comaining when he obviously was the nicest, most patient husband; best father ever; and exclent provider. Whenever people would visit, he would grab a baby in his arms and rush out to greet them. He would next grab the food that I was preparing in the kitchen and start mixing the salad and serving the guests. He would keep me in the kitchen and take people around our property, impressing them with all he provided us. People would leave thinking how lucky I was and be sympathetic to his efforts to please his difficult wife.
My father didn't like me ever. He was verbally abusive to me, referring to me as 'big mouth'. He was abusive towards my mother. She never stood up to him. Since I was 3 or 4, it was me who got between them and defended her. Then they both got mad at me. I was so angry, the way he would treat us. I knew it was wrong and I was impatient with how my mother played the martyr because she didn't protect herself or me. I used to wish deeply that he would go away and never come back. And then I would feel like a horrible person for wishing such things.
And here we go again. I just want to be left to lead a peaceful existence. I don't like having to go against anyone, going to court (twice last week) and say H is an A. I feel like 'big mouth' all over again. I know I am protecting myself and the children, but it has been a long drawn out battle, and increasingly public.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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To finish:
When I am feeling strong, I can dismiss what this colleague and others from my former life think. I was prepared for these assaults on my character. I have my wonderful ocean between us and lots of support here when I need it.
I do have to care what the judge thinks. And so no cocooning myself with the children and cat and our little pleasant world together. Now I have to say the truth and in a way that is calm, confident and clear. Even when for years I have internally agreed with AH that no one would believe me.
Your support helps so much. Your sharing of your experiences with alcoholics and their thinking make me understand after more than 6 months on SR what this disease is and how to explain it so the judge might listen.
I thank you.
When I am feeling strong, I can dismiss what this colleague and others from my former life think. I was prepared for these assaults on my character. I have my wonderful ocean between us and lots of support here when I need it.
I do have to care what the judge thinks. And so no cocooning myself with the children and cat and our little pleasant world together. Now I have to say the truth and in a way that is calm, confident and clear. Even when for years I have internally agreed with AH that no one would believe me.
Your support helps so much. Your sharing of your experiences with alcoholics and their thinking make me understand after more than 6 months on SR what this disease is and how to explain it so the judge might listen.
I thank you.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You're absolutely right. You can't do anything about what anyone else says--all you can do is to speak YOUR truth as calmly and rationally as you can. Yes, the judge is the only one whose opinion matters--and that only matters because it affects you and the kids directly.
Your lawyer will know how to cross-examine these witnesses IF you give him/her the ammunition. Example: "Isn't it true that your information about Mrs. Longstocking's lifestyle is based ENTIRELY upon what Mr. Longstocking has told you?" "Your Honor, move to strike all of Ms. Buttinsky's testimony on the matter of Mrs. Longstocking's lifestyle on the grounds that it is based upon hearsay and that she has NO personal knowledge of same."
"Motion granted, testimony stricken."
Your lawyer will know how to cross-examine these witnesses IF you give him/her the ammunition. Example: "Isn't it true that your information about Mrs. Longstocking's lifestyle is based ENTIRELY upon what Mr. Longstocking has told you?" "Your Honor, move to strike all of Ms. Buttinsky's testimony on the matter of Mrs. Longstocking's lifestyle on the grounds that it is based upon hearsay and that she has NO personal knowledge of same."
"Motion granted, testimony stricken."
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I'm so sorry, Pippi.
Try to stay in the moment and like Lexie said, have faith in your lawyers and the judge.
You have been abused by this man for so long that it is possible you are ascribing more power to him and his enablers than you need to. It is very possible the judge will see right through him.
Try to stay in the moment and like Lexie said, have faith in your lawyers and the judge.
You have been abused by this man for so long that it is possible you are ascribing more power to him and his enablers than you need to. It is very possible the judge will see right through him.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 136
Pippi:
I know the same hurt you have. No one believed me. Some people you just don't care whether they knew the whole story but my attorney, police & close friends of mine would not believe me of what went on behind closed doors--he was just too convincing. And so in addition to the pain of separation and then divorce to have these people do this feels like another knife in my back. One police officer even wrote in his report that he said I was bi-polar, meanwhile the ex is standing there blatantly drunk and said the reason he came back to the house was to get his guns--yeah but I'm the crazy one. Pictures is what saved my life. I started documenting everything he was doing in the house by taking pictures & so when he went to his attorney about something stupid and my attorney is believing them I just produced a picture or a receipt and never said another word. But I am slowly writing off all my friends & not having anything to do with the ones who not only would not listen to my side of the story (documented with pictures & receipts) but sided with him or told me to just move on with my life and get out of my house and let him have the house, oh please--I have nothing more to do with those people & I hope you get to that point.. . .where you get rid of these people so better people have room to come into you life--those that will believe you and love you & never side with a monster.
I know the same hurt you have. No one believed me. Some people you just don't care whether they knew the whole story but my attorney, police & close friends of mine would not believe me of what went on behind closed doors--he was just too convincing. And so in addition to the pain of separation and then divorce to have these people do this feels like another knife in my back. One police officer even wrote in his report that he said I was bi-polar, meanwhile the ex is standing there blatantly drunk and said the reason he came back to the house was to get his guns--yeah but I'm the crazy one. Pictures is what saved my life. I started documenting everything he was doing in the house by taking pictures & so when he went to his attorney about something stupid and my attorney is believing them I just produced a picture or a receipt and never said another word. But I am slowly writing off all my friends & not having anything to do with the ones who not only would not listen to my side of the story (documented with pictures & receipts) but sided with him or told me to just move on with my life and get out of my house and let him have the house, oh please--I have nothing more to do with those people & I hope you get to that point.. . .where you get rid of these people so better people have room to come into you life--those that will believe you and love you & never side with a monster.
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