bigsombrero

I spend most weekends away from home traveling. This weekend (thur-mon) is more of the same. Hotel room, 4 nights. Alone, also per usual. I am in a large city. I do not want to drink, nor will I drink.

I have been told quite often that "normal people" don't go to bars in this situation, they find something else to do. I have been told that only us pathetic alcoholics think of a bar as an activity. My question: well what the hell are all these "normal people" doing in these situations, exactly? Am I missing something? Is there some kind of awesome evening activity every night and I don't know about it? What the heck do regular people do?

I already went to dinner. I have a baseball game on the hotel TV, ice cream in the ice bucket, and club soda and some lime gatorade here. I have some movies on my laptop. I have snacks. There is a nice bathtub in this fancy hotel and maybe I'll take a bath or something. It's only 7pm. This stuff is yawn-city.

Is the trick to being happy in recovery learning how to accept this stuff? As a recovering addict & alcoholic, perhaps I need to adjust my expectations? When I am bored, should I remember how horrible my life was before, and just be thankful I'm not in the gutter or dead? Sounds like a temporary fix, though definitely worth considering.

From where I'm standing, it sure seems like a lot of "normal people" go to the bars on a Friday night. I am a single male, under 40, and not ready to start knitting sweaters or playing online solitaire every night after the clock passes 7pm. Every weekend night I find myself feeling antsy and have no outlet. Any ideas? (please don't suggest volunteering at a homeless shelter or something, I understand those people are saints but I am not looking to work, as selfish as that sounds).

*PS - yes I know this is a "why me!!?" post. I am just venting off some steam, not in real trouble.

Lightning Bug

There is always some good old-fashioned porn.
Just kidding... lol. How about you go play pool? Bowling? Poetry reading? Comedy club?

FeenixxRising

I don't believe that's true for many non-alcoholics who are 40 or younger (at least those who are single). That's not to say I believe "normal" people go out to bars exclusively. Rather, they go out to bar-restaurants and have late dinners and drinks. They may take in a movie before or after, they probably meet friends there or have dates they go there with. There is a bar-restaurant row in the city near me. From around 7:00 PM until 11:00 PM on Friday and Saturday it's a 30ish crowd; people there for dinner, drinks and to hang out with others. There is a music, entertainment IMAX complex a block away, so many go there before or after drinks and dinner. Many of the bars/restaurants have live entertainment on the weekends.

I guess my point is that drinking isn't the focal activity, rather socializing, dinner and taking in cultural events are. I believe a sober person could occasionally do the same and enjoy the evening--assuming they have significant sober time

After 10:00 PM or so the atmosphere changes drastically, as that's when the 20-something crowd shows up to do what they often do--drink, and drink hard. For them, drinking and trying to hook-up is the focal point. They're the people who will either stop that activity as they get a little older, or risk becoming members of sites like Sober Recovery.

CharlieNoogan

I hear ya BS... I spent all day, once again, submitting online job applications. I can barely stand looking at my computer at this point. In fact, about an hour ago I was getting antsy myself, pacing around and realizing I don't have many options tonight apart from more web surfing or streaming a movie.

My Facebook account is full of people announcing their drinking plans for this evening. Not one activity that I saw out of probably 20, was alcohol free.

I am slowly accepting the idea that this is the way things will be from now on, but I'm not exactly happy about it. I imagine that until I decide to get back into the dating scene and find someone who is okay with non-alcohol activities, things will continue to be boring. This is our main problem IMO - no girl to keep us occupied. I guess nightlife is synonymous with alcohol. Right or wrong, that is how our society is wired.

At least you are traveling and have something to look forward to during the day. Keep at it brother!

hope22

I heard of a site called meetup, where you can find people with similar interests ie go to a movie, bike whatever. It may be a good place for you meet people while traveling without going out to a bar

SophieB

Bigsombero.... oh my gosh you pose the question I have all the time.. what do people do after 7. I travel and people just go to bars at the hotel hang out talk...etc.

It is the hardest thing to think about or do. A glass of wine at the table while working at your laptop? Someone wants to buy you a drink and chat..

It really is about changing your thinking which is sooo hard . I do KNIT but that's is just a hard choice I rather be at the bar.

I have actually gone in the bathroom and cried at not being able to have a drink and just be normal.

But I then have also seen a lot of over the top behavior.

I think be strong.

bigsombrero

Thanks all for the replies above. You guys really nailed it - it's about the socialization. I am alone and have a very small social life. I could blame my lack of socialization on being in a new city - but in reality if I was home this would also be my situation on a Friday night.

I had a great friendship with a lady over the past month when I was living elsewhere. As Dave said, we were able to socialize responsibly (dinner, music, conversation) and that was great. Charlie, yeah I don't have a lady these days, that's probably a big part of it. I would not be posting this right now if there were someone in my life.

Last night, I had plenty going on. No complaints. But I suppose I am just kicking the walls a little tonight because of this boredom and impatience I have sometimes. Instead of just powering through it, every once in a while I need to get it out.

Glad I did too, the advice and therapy I get here really puts it into perspective.

FeenixxRising

I'm sure this is one of the drawbacks of traveling Big. The majority of the time it's great and there are many things to keep you busy. But if you're single and in a new city or geographical area it could be difficult to readily find sober activates during certain times.

When you're not traveling and have lived in one area for a length of time, it's probably easier to build up a network of sober friends and an itinerary of sober activities to enjoy during the standard "recreation" times.

But it sounds like you're handling it well. The only suggestion I could offer would be an "early to bed, early to rise" commitment. That way you're not sitting around on a weekend evening feeling bored, or like you're missing out.

Sally3127

I guess that's one positive about getting sober at 60. I'm already in my pj's at 7.

Notmyrealname

If you're traveling in a town where you know nobody then your choices are a bit limited, as you're probably going to be doing something alone. You could plan it like a vacation and set an itinerary of things you'd like to do there in your free time. Take in a ballgame, or a show, or have a nice dinner someplace special. Or if you have huge cojones you could set up a date in the city with someone you've never met via a dating site and go out on a date, have her (or him, whatever) show you around.

I think most travelers either work out (that's why fitness club chains have nationwide access passes, or you can pay the "day" fee at most gyms), or read, or watch TV, or go see a movie, or go running, or whatever (if we're being honest here we have to include "soliciting prostitutes" somewhere in this list, not that I'm advising you do so) .. probably just the same kinds of things that you'd do at home alone except you're not at home.

GroundhogDay

That's a great idea. I used to play cards with a meetup group. Some people drank, but most didn't.

Bruce292

We live. We walk out in the hot night air, we sit on the deck with our friends, we read, we fight, we laugh. Sometimes we're bored, sometimes engaged, other times just hanging out. after all we're just humans. Being sober doesn't mean being "normal". It just means being sober.

quitforme79

I really enjoyed your post It made me laugh lol at some points, it's fun and honest. I was an at home drinker so was always passed out by 8-9 anyway. SOMETIMES even by 7...that's after getting home from work and starting to drink at 5. Pretty pathetic when I think about it, some alcoholic I was lol Anyway, I still like to be home but now my nights are filled with an AA meeting, coffee or dinner with people after, I run, I watch tv or a movie. I don't know how long you are sober but it took me a good 3-4 months to adjust to the "time" I had since I wasn't drinking. Take a nice tub, put on a movie and eat some ice cream

FreeFall

This is a great thread, because I think it affects most of us, and is also the thing that triggers a lot of relapses. Boredom sets in and the AV reminds us of old fun times and next you know you're fighting a battle.

I wish I had a good answer for you. I know a lot of "normal people" that like to go and hear live music. Even if it's in a bar, they don't drink-they just go for the music and socializing. Most cities have some kind of After Dark guide online-maybe check those out when you're in a new place.

Zebra1275

Alone in a hotel room can be a dangerous time. You are on your own and can get drunk watching HBO and who's gonna know?

I don't travel as much as it sounds like you do, but I always try to have several options to fill my time.

I've used AA to help me recover. One of the benefits of AA is that there are meetings in virtually every town. You can probably find a 7 p.m. meeting within 5 miles of your hotel.

At the start of every AA meeting the chair usually asks if there is anybody visiting from out of town. I always raise my hand and introduce myself. I'm always treated like family and afterwards people come up and introduce themselves and make me feel welcome. That's a ready made group of people who have something in common with you, a desire to interact with other people and a deep desire to not drink. If you talk with them, you might find yourself in a coffee shop, book store, movie or bowling alley with someone that evening.

In my opinion, it's important not to isolate yourself in your hotel room.

Grungehead

Big,

I used to travel nationwide 80% of the time and I was sober during this time. Our company's product was targeted towards community hospitals so often I was in fairly small towns with little to no nightlife. Here are some of the things I did (chirp chirp )

Weather permitting I would take a long walk
Take a swim if the hotel had a nice pool
I would check my e-mails and catch up on any paperwork
I would surf the internet
I would watch TV (I didn't have HBO at home...got hooked on the Sopranos and Curb Your Enthusiasm while on the road)
I would make a run to the nearest McDonald's for a McFlurry before bed
I would have hung out with co-workers but once dinner was over it was all about drinking
Luckily (I guess) we worked pretty long hours when on the road so I usually only had 3-4 idle hours at the hotel from the end of dinner to bedtime.

We were only on the road on weekends maybe six times a year at most, and we got paid a stipend that was very generous for doing so. I figured that I was getting paid to be bored so that made it a bit easier.

Dee74

I really haven't a lot to contribute here BigS - I'm a home body now and I love it - if I'm not dozing by the TV at 7 I'm usually not far off.....

I think the points been made tho - sometimes we think of being sober as a destination in itself and it's not, it's simply a condition.

being sober alone doesn't make our lives full, but it gives us a great platform to look around and see what might make it full

you're an intelligent thoughtful guy - I'm sure you can think outside the box a little and come up with more options than the bar

D

bigsombrero

You're all right. There's plenty to do here - I just didn't wanna do anything. Nothing would have made me excited tonight: unless a flying carpet showed up outside my window, complete with a wombat chauffeur wearing a tiny hat. That would've been cool.

When I'm busy, I am always looking around for a way to relax. When I am relaxing, I am always looking for a way to get moving. Probably best for me to keep perspective and just keep livin'.

bemyself

I always love your posts Big, truly!

And no, you don't have to take up 'knitting or online solitaire' - jeepers, I do neither, whether sober or drunk! I simply can't see you doing either.

BigSober = knitting or online solitaire (after having travelled to amazing places most of us could never get to, after having lived in the badlands of inner Chicago, and so forth)? Nope.

BigS - and this might sound a bit nineteenth century - I, like many others just get into my jarmies at a ridiculously early hour. I now take the view (re the 19th century thing) that we've become so enculturated to 'being out' at night, that none of us can cope - drunk or sober - with simply being indoors and quiet for the evening hours.

I once did the work travel thing, holed up in hotels etc. Often, I'd go down to the bar / lounge or whatever, or out on the streets. But somehow, you know what? it always felt not-like-home. I mean 'home' as in, just being on your own if necessary, just in your jarmies, watching a spot of telly, having a bath, reading a damn good book, doing the crossword, ringing a friend, surfing the net, etc. When all else fails, just go to bed, and do lying down meditation to get off to sleep. I do it every day. It alone helps to keep me (ever so slightly) sane.

lsb

I have no idea.