tattoo90

I should have stayed with him.

Seren

Oh, tattoo....I can only begin to imagine the pain you must be feeling. You are not responsible for this--please don't go there.

Sending hugs and hugs and prayers!

least

It isn't your fault. Please don't blame yourself. Here's a big

pravchaw

I am so sorry. No one except time can take the pain away. I am thinking of you. God bless.

jerect

(((((Tattoo)))) when you left you were doing what was right for you.. Please don't ever second guess that decision or feel guilty about it...

It would have happened regardless If you were there or not... Do not blame yourself... Addiction I a horrible disease that destroys everything in its path...

Much love and hugs to you tonight

Dee74

I'm really sorry for your loss.

I agree with the others here tattoo...this is not your fault, just as it would not have been anyone else's fault had I died (as I nearly did) when I made the choices I did as an addict and alcoholic.

I do understand your feelings though.

this is a really great post from Morning Glory- I hope you read it and get something from it.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-what-if.html

D

Ann

Tattoo, nothing I ever did or didn't do for my son made a whit of difference, he used anyway. Love cannot save them, if it could not one of us would be here.

It's not your fault, sweetie, sadly addicts die no matter how much we wish they would get clean.

It's not your fault, it's nobody's fault, it just happens when they use.

Be kind to yourself right now, and know that staying would not have stopped this. It might have delayed it but it's an inevitable end for those who keep using.

Keeping you in my prayers.

cynical one

No hon, if anything you should have left sooner. Your staying or leaving is not why he passed away.

Impurrfect

Tattoo - my bf died, too, from the addiction we shared. I chose recovery, he chose to continue the addiction. We split.

I KNOW, as an RA, there is nothing I could have done to prevent his death. I didn't feel guilt, but I did feel grief. He could have been so much more.

You did not cause this...I promise you. Back when I was with XABF #1 (there were three...I was a sick puppy), I tried to commit suicide a few times. I didn't listen to anyone who offered help, I just wanted OUT!

I didn't succeed, obviously, but I just want you to know. We don't always want to die...we think we are invincible (from experience).

This has nothing to do with you. He could have OD'd while you were beside him, as many here know.

What I do is "tuck him in my heart" and "talk" to him. You didn't cause this, it was his addiction. We are here to walk through this with you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Hevyn

tattoo - I agree - there's no way it could be your fault. At some point this was probably destined to happen, regardless of your actions. I'll be praying for you to be comforted. You have done nothing wrong. Please be kind to yourself.

terryr97

Unfortunately, we think we have the power to save others but we're thinking through the mind of clear thinking people. Someone in active addiction is not thinking about anyone or anything other than getting high. Only they can decide to stop. I (finally) had to leave my exab cos I refused to watch him kill himself. They do think it wont happen to them, but it does. You're staying would not have made him quit. None of us are God. I'm so sorry for your loss, as I am still grieving the loss of my sister but if I hadn't left her or my ex, I would have joined them. Addiction sucks the life out of all those around it, just as it is to you now, thinking that if you had stayed might have made a difference. Please go to Alanon, Naranon or grief counseling. You could not have cured him no matter how much you loved him. If you could cure with love, none of us would be on this forum. I'm sorry. I'll keep you in my prayers.

GardenMama

Oh sweet girl (it's okay--I could be your mother)...I can feel your pain in that one little sentence! How I berated myself for months after finding my daughter overdosed in her bedroom in MY house, of all places...Neither you nor I could prevent what happened, no matter our proximity, no matter our love or our sweet words, our hugs, our patience, our demands...I have learned this well over the past year. Please take our word for it. Please don't beat yourself up. Just let yourself feel the grief you feel and try not to add layers of guilt on top.

Take some big, deep, cleansing breaths. My therapist reminded me last week that these are really good for our brains when we are recovering from trauma.

Please go see a therapist soon, if you are willing. You have been through a great deal of trauma.

Hugs. GMama

lizwig

Sending love and gentle thoughts your way tonight tattoo. It is so sad that he is now free of his pain, free of his suffering....and once finally free .....yours begins. Please attend some grief sessions. The others are right. If only we could love them clean. Please keep in mind he could have chosen not to use that night. He could have used your leaving as a catalyst for change. It is hard to find strength and grace in situations like these. I will pray for both for you. Wish I could give you a big hug.

Sunshine2

Tattoo, suicide always comes with a lot of guilt for all who knew the person. It is it's evil nature.

My brother committed suicide in 1995. I was very close to him, he was my brother, my father, my best friend. He found out his wife left him through a note in his lunchbox. He lived 2 hours away from me. People tried to get hold of me so I could come through and talk to him. I just changed jobs and didn't have a cellphone. I came home at 6 to a phone call with the news. The guilt I felt stayed with me for a long time, I had to go for counseling to get out of the deep, dark pit of depression I was in.

Everyone around him felt guilt. His children, his neighbour, his wife, the rest of his family, his friends. Suicide is ALWAYS surrounded with guilt.

I would strongly suggest you go for counseling. What helped me in the end, was when the counselor asked me whether I ever thought what would have happened if I did manage to save him that day? He could have done it again another day, he could have lived and be so miserable that death would have been better, he could have become an alcoholic with all that entails.

No one else is ever to blame. It is the person's own decision. Much as we would like to, we cannot control other people's actions.

I hope that in time you can look back at this and see how you grew emotionally. My brother's death was a gift he gave me. It made me look at the meaning of my life and set me on a spiritual path that has brought me great peace. This is what I wish for you.

Opivotal

((tattoo)) I'm so sorry, please take good care of yourself. Sending you big hugs and prayers to ease your pain.

lizwig

Good morning tattoo....I know you had mentioned in another post you didn't feel your boyfriend has taken his own life. Whether he did or didn't....the manner of the situation still brings guilt with it. I've often thought my son is committing suicide slowly with his addiction. He knows the risks and doesn't care enough to change his life to ensure that doesn't happen. I used to mentally plan his funeral but stop myself now when my thoughts go there. I think the overwhelming message for you here is to find some grief sessions. Whether you were there or not the outcome would likely be the same. You didn't cause this. His addiction caused this. Please be gentle with yourself. We all care.

BlueSkies1

And I too am another one Tattoo that had to experience this. You are not alone, not by a long shot. Many of us here and millions around the world.

If any of us could have had a crystal ball to see just how it would have happened, we all would have tried to do something to stop it...all the millions of us around the world. We can't blame ourselves for not having that crystal ball ability to see it before it happened. We all know that deep dark feeling that if we had done this or that they would still be here today. It's absolutely gut wrenching, I know, and horrifying.

Don't blame yourself. I know right now you are. I know how hard it is not to.

You are not alone! Keep reaching out!

wiscsober

You are loved.

zoso77

And what sort of price would you have paid for that?

You couldn't have saved him. No one could have saved him. Addiction is a very powerful monster, and sometimes the monster wins. I know you don't believe this, but what happened is not your fault.

ZoSo

allforcnm

The night you didn't stay ... How could you have possibly known this would happen? There were many times in the past where it didn't, but every time he used it was possible because drugs are just so dangerous and unpredictable. There was just no way you could have known.

Some things there are just no answers to. When a person dies in a car accident, we ask what if he had left 2 minutes earlier, or turned on a different road, or....
This is much the same I think. A horrible accident.

The one thing that I think will comfort you in time... knowing he would not want you to feel guilty. Talk to him Tattoo...