OneNightAWeek

I talked to him a couple days ago about going back to work full time. He didnt understand why and I told him the truth about being worried about his drug use and I didnt feel like I could be sure he would be there for me. He got really angry, and kept telling me that he has not been using, he stopped. He told me that I was having hormonal problems because of being pregnant, and I was wanting to nest, and he went on about how its normal but not to put it off on him. I told him I went to talk to the addiction specialist and he went into a rage about how I could do that and not talk to him first and that I was crazy and imagining all kinds of things. Tonight he told me he will be home late and not to wait up for him, meaning he is going out with his friends after work. He is angry and now he is trying to pay me back by showing me if Im accusing him then he will go ahead and act out. Im just frustrated, and angry. What if he is telling me the truth and I pushed him into going back to his friends? I dont know if he will come home high, or is just toying with me and making a point. I know where he goes but I am not going after him tonight. Ive been thinking about it, and Im going to order take out, take a nice relaxing bath, and watch a movie. I already told my girlfriend, and she said if I need to come over tonight it is fine. I have an out but I hope it doesnt come to that.

suki44883

Oh, I am so sorry you are going through this. He does seem very defensive, doesn't he? I know from experience that an addict will employ any means necessary to deflect from their addiction. He is manipulating you, trying to make you feel guilty for things you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty about. Deflect and blame are classic symptoms of addiction.

Don't buy into his BS. You cannot drive someone to use if they don't want to use. It's as simple as that. If he chooses to use, it's because he is an addict. You cannot cause, control, nor cure his addiction. It's all on him.

story74

Do not take responsibility for his actions. I say this with good intention having been through the same type of manipulation...he sounds very immature. This is not a loving respectful relationship. This is all about him and his needs. He is angry because you hit the nail on the head. How dare he go out. Get you back? And you are pregnant? Uck. You need a healthy man for that baby.but again, I am saying this with good intentions, not to hurt. It is not right. Please keep taking care of your beautiful self.

OneNightAWeek

thanks everyone. I am trying to learn to stay calm and keep centered because of my pregnancy. I have been working on it since we argued the other day. I am emotional more than normal I can tell it, but I think he has been lying about using and has only stopped using so much. I think he may be using everyday. And then I think I am crazy because nothing points to this, except my thoughts which may be delusional hormone based.

LoveMeNow

Many of us thought we crazy too and we didn't trust our own instincts. Big mistake.

His reaction says it all, IMO.

wicked

This, if it were not so ridiculous, would be funny. He made this up out of whole cloth.
But, don't put it off on him. Wow, yeah, that secret hormone, nesting, pregnant, thing that made you do the next crazy thing....

You had legitimate concerns and you addressed them like any adult would do (hopefully). Especially with a child on the way.
Calling you crazy and "imagining" things is in the addict playbook.
It is part of 'gaslighting' intentional or not.

I am delighted you are choosing to take care of yourself.

Beth

AnvilheadII

what an ass. from the moment he learned that his WIFE is PREGNANT with his FIRST CHILD it seems reasonable, rational and adult to immediately STOP being a stupid coke snorting idiot and devoted himself with passionate intent to being the BEST husband and future father he could possibly be.

but what do HIS actions indicate? that everything is YOUR fault, including evidently re-enacting the Virgin Mary and getting pregnant without any outside influence and now....I mean how DARE you....expecting him to act in a responsible manner. what did he say? don't wait up, i'm going OUT with the boys.

his precious drug use is threatened. by reality, by a wife who is pregnant and trying to understand his "condition" and he uses it all as yet another EXCUSE to go get high.

OneNightAWeek

Thanks everyone. Your post made me laugh Wicked, thank you. He came home around 4am. He had been drinking, I acted like I was asleep and he was trying to wake me up making noise. He got into bed and I didn’t know what to do, part of me wanted to scream at him, and part of me wanted to make him go to the other room to sleep but he had been drinking and I didn’t know if I would be able to. I told him it was 4am and I was too tired for him, and we would talk today. He fell asleep before long. He was still sleeping it off when I got up today. I guess it makes me codependent but I checked the pockets of the clothes he was wearing last night and found a bar tab of over a hundred dollars. I didn’t find any drugs. Today he acts like he is suffering and like it’s the first time he ever experienced a hang over. He isn’t being aggressive though like when he was using the coke so maybe he didn’t. He decided to go out and grill us up some dinner and he is doing that now.

AnvilheadII

hundred bucks buys a lot of diapers. sorry if i'm not very sympathetic to his plight. I am however very much concerned for YOU. you deserve none of this.

sigh.

LoveMeNow

4:00am??? Seriously? Sounds to me like coke was very much involved. Either way, it was a very immature, selfish and thoughtless way to treat you. He is showing you who he is, believe him. Drugs or not, is this the way you want to live? Is the marriage you envisioned?

I have had 2 -3 rocky years because of my denial and fear and I have paid a price. I pray you don't make the same mistakes many of us have, especially with a baby on the way.

Angelscry

Oh ONAW I pray for you and reaaly hope that things will turn out fine for u and your unborn baby. My husband did the exact same thing, also used coke and said I was crazy when I told him he might have a problem. 6 years down the line and he is an addict.he also used 'ocasionaly' after work and ended up being an addict. I am sorry that you are going through this.
Hugs
Angel

OneNightAWeek

Im sorry to hear this. I dont think they can use without becoming addicted over time. From what I understand the tolerance level slowly increases, and they need more to feel the effects.

OneNightAWeek

I started getting dizzy again on Saturday night, We were sitting outside after dinner and having conversation. Went to stand up and was dizzy. It passed, and then later before bed I got dizzy again. I got scared, and he got worried. He was really worried. He wanted to take me to the hospital and I said no it would pass, and he said but something is wrong and I need to find out why it keeps happening. And he called my mom who isnt close by to talk me into going. So I did. He sounded so worried when he was explaining to the admittance people. And I am thinking, he can't see he needs help, and I'm worried the same about him. Anyway my blood pressure is a little low, we got home and he broke down and stated crying about he was worried and it was his fault because we had been arguing for days. Our baby must be thinking it's got a couple of crazy parents already. I felt better on sunday, and he catered to me all day. I explained to him how I've been worried about him like he was worried about me, and I asked him to please talk to me about what is going on. We talked a little, and it was good to hear some of what he said, but I felt like there was more he is trying to keep from me because he is not ready to talk about it. He says he is scared of being a dad, and it is happening sooner that he thought. But then later on he brought me an article he had found online that was sort of a funny, about all these things new dads need to know. He was trying.