outoftime

Today I've been off the sauce for 18 days. For the first time in a long time I feel like it will stick.

I know there are many like me - those who know they have a problem and are thinking about making a change, but they still have a job, a house, a license. In other words, alcohol hasn't completely wrecked everything, but the wrecking ball is in the project plan if you don't make some changes. You don't quite want to call yourself an alcoholic, but you know things are starting to slip.

That's one reason I decided to quit the juice. My job and social standing are intact, but only because I'm riding the coattails and groundwork I did 5 - 7 years ago. I'm not advancing any more, and over time this becomes more and more apparent. No new accomplishments and the old accomplishments are stale bread. Maybe others sense it or not, but I know I do. Accomplishing things, doing things and making an impact, give me a sense of self and worth.

I don't know if it's easier quitting in my position. On the one hand, the mental and physical cravings aren't as severe as in some others. On the other hand, I have to go through all this and keep up appearances, maintain a job and so on. My life isn't so wrecked that the routine can't be maintained, but it's often the routine that sucks us right back in. There's only so many pause buttons that can be pushed before it's obvious what's going on.

I don't want to be taken cared of. "Why don't you just admit you have a problem, embrace Christ, make a sobriety page on facebook...TELL EVERYONE?"

Why? Cause that's death to me. Particularly as a guy, that's professional and social suicide. I would rather move somewhere else in that scenario and start over. It's not that my friends wouldn't support me. It's that whenever I'm with them in a bar or at a party they'd treat me like a cripple who needs special treatment. I'd dread that one of them, after a couple drinks, would "slip" and reveal my "problem" and then would come the endless comments of "Ohhhh.... that's why he's just drinking soda, that's why he's always the DD...". I'd never be able to relax and enjoy myself in social situations with those people.

Everyone decides how they dig themselves out. I got myself into this. If I want to get out with my dignity intact, I need to get myself out.

Nuudawn

[QUOTE=outoftime;4077816 make a sobriety page on facebook...TELL EVERYONE?"[/QUOTE]

Ya, I don't feel the need to jump that far out of the closet either. Thanks for your post. What exactly is a moderate, problem drinker? I'm not being daft, I'm more curious of your story.

Olive1

To myself: I am an alcoholic.
To everyone else: I don't drink.
If they ask why, I say: 'meh'.

Congratulations on 18 days!

ippochick

to close friends - i am an alcoholic

to social buddies - my meds are being adjusted

to everyone else - i don't drink

the further i get into my recovery, the more comfortable i am with telling the real story. at the beginning, the shame was so great i couldn't have told a soul.

if you think things are starting to slip, grab a hold now, while you're just 'not drinking'. make the choice, while you still can.

doggonecarl

Welcome to SR.

Stay out of the bars, this won't even be an issue. You said it yourself, it is usually the rountine that sucks us back in. Partake in sober activities where drinking, or not drinking, isn't even an issue.

outoftime

Here's my approach this time around.

First, and probably most importantly, I took two weeks off work. I didn't plan any trips or anything. Shut the doors, pull the drapes and relax, was the plan. Including weekends that meant 16 days to myself.

I bought a stack of books, movies and video games. These would be my friends.

I made sure my stock of vitamins and other things was loaded. Standard Disclaimer: The following is not an endorsement or recommendation. I'm not a doctor.

Here's the routine - all taken in the morning unless otherwise noted:

2 Nature's Way Kudzu capsules (two more at 2pm)
1 Nature's Way St Johns Wort (one more before bed)
1 Solgar Magnesium Citrate
2 Coromega packets (my brand of choice because I don't like fish burps or seafood in general - orange-chocolate is the least offensive)
1 Solgar Earth Essentials Multi-Nutrient Vitamin (occasionally a second in the afternoon)

For anxiety and irritability, I used a teaspoon of Kava powder in the same tea.

For headaches, I used acetaminophen.

As far as food - whatever and whenever I wanted. If I suddenly got a craving for salty chips and onion dip, I went to the store and ate the hell out of that ****. Baconator at Wendys? Why yes, my good man. I loaded up on everything from $30/lb cheeses to family bags of pizza rolls. Then I grated some of that cheese and put it on the pizza rolls if I felt like it. Which was often.

Going into the whole thing I knew that eating poorly and being mostly sedentary for two weeks was going to mean weight gain. I think this might be easier to accept for a guy. But anyway, drinking has already made me an out of shape fatso. Another ten pounds wasn't the make or break Fabio threshold.

As far as sleep, I knew it would be out of whack. This is why I feel a break from work was necessary in my case. Insomnia + rough work day + cravings = stop at the liquor store on the way home.

I was right. There were days when I'd nap for hours, get up and move around for a couple hours, then back to sleep. Literally, I slept for around 18 hours/day on two separate occasions a week apart, for no obvious reason. I hadn't encountered any major stressors, hadn't done any significant physical activity, etc to warrant it. My body just said "sleep" and I did.

Likewise, if I got sucked into a video game, I played it till the sun came up and then slept in until 3 PM. I'd wake up groggy and do it all over again. That went on for two or three days at a time on three separate occasions. I was fine with it. Frankly, it was wonderful. It felt like summer vacation as a kid. No worries, no responsibilities. When my body said "sleep" I did. When it said "I can't sleep" I occupied myself with a video game or a movie.

Sleep was rarely "refreshing" in most cases. I never woke up with a feeling of energy and vigor. It was often fitful, but fortunately only a couple of nightmares during that period.

Around day 12, my sleep became a bit more restful but still not great. I'm now on day 21 and it's not fully recovered, but just gets a little better over time.

One of the things I did to improve my sleep is I got rid of my laptop. I'm an internet junky and often surf the net in bed before turning the lights out. Sleep specialists will tell you the only two things you should do in bed are sleep and screw. And since I'm a fatso, I haven't been doing much screwing lately. My sister needed a new computer and she's broke, so I sent my laptop to her. I did this around day 12 as well and I've noticed that since then, it is definitely easier to fall asleep once I'm in bed.

Nonsensical

I used to be a moderate problem drinker. Then I refused to deal with it and I became someone who wished he could get back to being just a moderate problem drinker.

Nobody but the alcoholic gives a rat fart about why someone at the table isn't drinking.
No.
bod.
y.

Stay off facebook, though.

best of luck!

outoftime

My mistake, I'm at 20 days. This is day 21.

Olive1

This may still happen once you return to work. You need a plan for this scenario.

Also, I find going for long walks very helpful.

Nuudawn

Very interesting. It's like you planned your own personal detox. I think that's commendable. And lookin' at celebrities...seems like lots get fat in detox : ) I like you're narrative.

DrunkenBob

I could see your plan working in some scenarios.

I would try it in a minute except I'm married with children and cannot find time off work.

I like your approach though :-)

Good luck keeping on!

outoftime

OP here.

In this post I will talk about my drinking habits and their impact to work. This might be useful for others to gauge the severity of their problems relative to someone else.

I'm a classic binge drinker. I will go for two or three nights without drinking (not even thinking about it), but when I drink, there is only one reason: to get drunk. There's just no point in "social" drinking to me. It's like sex without an orgasm (and why I don't go to strip clubs).

I'm frankly wowed at the amounts I've read on this site, but to a casual drinker my feats are probably similarly jaw-dropping.

Three years ago, I was around 200 pounds. I would drink a bottle of zinfandel and a 10-ounce bottle of MGD. That would get me nicely drunk and I would be hungover the next day but still functional. If I drank half or a little more of a 750 of whiskey, I'd be really hungover. I'd probably try to think of a reason to show up late to work, or call in sick in some cases, or shut my office door. I probably had to call in sick around once every two months.

Most recently, I'm now at 250 pounds and a typical night of drinking is finishing off most of a 750 (600 ml or so) or whiskey or vodka, or drinking two bottles of wine, usually red and at least one Zin (which as many probably know, is one of the highest % wines). The next day would vary between gutting it through the day, calling in late or calling in sick. I was calling in sick about twice a month at one point, and calling in late typically at least one day a week.

As far as "wake-up" drinking, aka maintenance drinking, this is rare for me. There have been maybe five times in ten years. It typically involved very heavy drinking on a weekend night and waking up still quite drunk. Once the hangover has really set in, the absolute last thing I want is to have a drink.

The amount and frequency of late and sick days probably sounds crazy to some but my job requires a lot of autonomy and working at multiple locations. As long as I get my work done, not too many questions are asked. Some of my coworkers are much worse than me in this regard. Their performance is poor in general and they'll take sick days as holidays. From what I can tell, they don't have any substance abuse problems. Pretty scary that I can run rings around them when I'm nursing an awful hangover half the time.

But that's the thing about booze. Instead of looking for greater challenges, money and satisfaction, I've contented myself with the company of people I wouldn't hire to flip burgers.

Nuudawn

Well...like the rest of us, you need to learn how to do life sober...continuously. Hope to continue reading of your journey.

outoftime

OP here again.

In this post, I will talk about my observations of the physical, thinking and emotional changes as a result of habitual drinking over time. In other words, how they've affected my brain and body. This is sort of a brainstorm so I may jump around some.

To be clear, these aren't effects I feel when I'm drunk. These are the ongoing effects I feel when sober, but drinking regularly.

For reference, I have been everything from a social to heavy drinker for about fifteen years with multiple breaks or light drinking periods. I even managed to work in a few half-marathons, and not those "raising money for cancer research" half marathons that are 50% walking, 50% drinking a beer and take three hours, but serious training for over a year and cross-training with cycling and swimming.

That said, in the last five years, I've just been a heavy drinker. The light periods have been fewer and further between, the exercise very sporadic or non-existent and the amount (tolerance) has gone up up up.

So let's get to it:

Paranoia has very, very gradually increased over several years. I know this because I'll be preparing to engage a scenario (work, social, etc) and feel certain fears and anxieties, but then I'll recall a very similar situation from when I was younger and how I felt no such fears, or minimally so. The difference in my fears and perceptions has become so stark that in the last year the contrast tends to jump out at me. I'll consciously say to myself, "You did this before. It's the same. Freakin Relax." It's like I've given myself mild PTSD.

An odd thing that has happened is my brain struggles to process large volumes of data. In a bookstore, for example, when I'm staring at a shelf full of books, the hundreds of sideways titles feel overwhelming. I have to consciously pause and mentally strategize how I'm going to process all the titles. It feels like work and tedium. I have this feeling of wanting to finish and get out of there.

This is a minor shock to my brain when it happens because as a kid, I loved browsing bookstores. It used to be relaxing and exciting, as I sought out the next great adventure to read. So I go to a bookstore and my brain expects pleasure, but instead finds frustration and tedium.

In heavy traffic, keeping track of all the cars, signs, lights, etc around me has become increasingly difficult. There's a very subtle sense of panic as I sort it all out.

My short-term memory is terrible, particularly with numbers (addresses, phone numbers, etc). Oddly, my long term memory does not really feel affected. I rarely wrote things down in the past, but now I do, or I'll forget them. This is overall a good habit, as even though my memory was better it wasn't infallible and I often forgot important details.

I used to have an iron stomach. Not anymore. During particularly heavy periods I would develop acid reflux. Consequently, I'm now an expert on antacids. I've also had slight ulcers start to develop that immediately subsided when I backed off alcohol.

Same story with hemorrhoids. I've never had a bad problem with them, but heavy drinking would cause minor hemorrhoids that lasted a day or two.

My reaction speed is overall around 20% slower. I play a lot of video games, some requiring extremely fast reflexes and decisions. No doubt it's partly age, but when I back off alcohol, I see a significant rebound after a week or so.

I don't enjoy things like I used to. Whether it's a hobby or a work achievement or even sex, it just doesn't feel as exciting or fulfilling. They call this anhedonia. It manifests at first as just enjoying something less and thinking "well, maybe I'm just over that hobby, I should find a new one." But gradually it got to where I'd be in the process of getting drunk and be overwhelmed with nostalgia. I'd think "I used to really like doing that, I should do it again! I will, soon!" But once I'm sober, the idea wouldn't interest me at all. One time I recall drunk texting a friend with an idea to go to a film convention. I was hyper and he wasn't too excited but I finally twisted his arm. When we finally went to the convention, it was pure drudgery for me. The crowds annoyed me. The films took too long to advance the plot. The audio of the film felt too shrill and piercing. My friend, on the other hand, left invigorated and thanked me for convincing him to go.

Anhedonia also manifests in relationships. An okay night out feels mediocre. A great night out feels just good. Something annoying she does or says feels extremely annoying, and harder to let go. When she does something nice or thoughtful, it's too-quickly forgotten. Everyone around us seems like they're having a better time.

I tend to do things that are "sure bets". For example, if I read a book years ago, I'd rather read that book again instead of taking a chance on a new book. I'd rather listen to a 10-year old favorite CD than listen to the radio for a potential new favorite. I'd rather hang out with old friends than go to a party where I might meet a new girl.

My night vision is poorer.

I'm more adverse to confrontation. Confrontation, particularly at work, is like competing in a sport, and it's typically played out over weeks or months, sometimes years. By that I mean, I make a move, then the other guy, and eventually the one who wins is the one who outsmarts and "out-plays" the other in the end.

If you confront some idiot in a meeting and out his stupid idea, no matter how logically or pleasantly you go about it, that guy is now gunning for you. In the back of my mind, I just know that guy is going to catch me with my pants down - either hungover or some other way, because I'm not on my game. So unless things are totally in my favor, I just let it go, or tell the do-nothing-wimp manager and tell myself "you did all you could."

I feel like I don't have any time for anything. Something that requires a couple hours prep and is a week away feels like it's only a day away. Some friends were visiting and I had to clean my place, shop, find stuff for us to do, etc. Well, four days between then and now were down the drain. Days one and three I was going to be drinking, and days two and four were going to be nursing the hangover. None of those four days would be productive toward their visit. So yes, I really did only have a day or two to get ready. And then in retrospect I'm thinking of all the things I should have done to have made it better.

I look older. As mentioned, I've gone through periods of low drinking and heavy exercising. My skin is better and I literally look five to ten years younger. When I was exercising, I suddenly started to get carded on the rare occasions I did buy alcohol at the store. And the cashier would do a double-take when seeing my birth date. Now, I look my age and then some. I could leave my ID in the car most of the time.

GracieLou

You are a good poster. I have enjoyed your posts but for me that is to much thinking.

I like to keep things simple, I have to keep things simple. I am an alcoholic. The first drink gets me drunk, end of story. Simple. Easy. One day at a time.

instant

OOT

It gets easier. The social stuff is now no big deal for me. I don't drink - people can take it or leave it- it's their call.

I can go to bars but after a few times with people getting ********* it gets boring- seriously- boring- thats why I leave unless there is a reason not to

I have no doubt that life is better without alcohol- as far as work goes- alcohol is not a performance enhancing drug

outoftime

I know there's no cut and dry definitions of severity (or maybe there are, but I'm not knowledgeable of them). For me, the general line is my life is still more or less intact, and whether or not it stays that way is my decision to make.

At least, I hope so.

outoftime

OP Again

21 days and I'm still in the sober in-between. Not feeling tremendously compelled to do much but not immediately craving a drink. Tired/sleepy a lot. Headaches and a slight undercurrent of "sick" are pretty pervasive, but the headaches have eased off over the last week. I used to ride out headaches, or drink them away, but now I pop acetaminophen.

This past week was my first back at work. All in all, it went okay, and I'm giving myself the big back pat because there were a few stressful situations that would have normally caused me to drink afterward, but I maintained.

Each night I went home not physically exhausted but mentally tired and somewhat foggy. I played some video games and surfed the net. Motivation is very low. I may feel motivated to do something but the feeling is fleeting. Then I stare stare stare at the computer. Who needs windows when you can see the world through the greedy, sociopathic, ADD, NSA-scanned internet? Porn makes up for all the shortcomings.

On Friday I went to bed at 8 PM and woke up the next day at 7 AM. Yesterday I again fell asleep around 8 PM and woke up this morning at 6 AM. 21 hours of sleep in two days. This is not normal for me. Usually I sleep six or seven hours and wake up feeling generally lousy, but can't fall back to sleep. So at least I'm sleeping, that's good.

I had a thought about going to the zoo. Why not. The freakin zoo. It opens at 10 am and I'll try to get there and be gone by noon to hopefully avoid the full crush of the crowds.

BarOwnersSon

You're story sounds very familiar. Somehow managing to balance problem drinking while functioning well in the office. Working circles around your co-workers, maybe even receiving performance awards along the way. In my case, managing a family, and attempting to keep the problem drinking at bay. As the years rolled by, trying to be that star at work seemed to lose its luster. My ability to manage my family became less and less possible, as three drinks after work became six, and then twelve. This disease just lurks around, waiting for your weak moment. It knows that time is on its side. I don't know your story, or claim to know the answer, but I know that this disease just doesn't go away. I'm 48 years old, and have been a problem drinker for 30 years. Functioning, I suppose. But far from living.

Nuudawn

I agree. All depends on what you define as your bottom...some appear lower than others I guess. My ego mostly gets in my way..but ya know, when it came to quitting drinking it finally gave me the good swift kick I needed.