Functioning Alcoholic
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Functioning Alcoholic
I divorced my Husband one year ago this August and I am still struggling with what caused his behavior--alcohol or something else. I have read about functioning alcoholics and wondered if anyone here had similar people in their lives that can shed some light on this for me. I never saw him drunk (just slightly slurring words in evening), only drank at home in evenings and occasionally on evenings out with me (averaged 3-4 beers & 2 mixed drinks with vodka), emotionally abusive to me, telling horrible lies about me to anyone who would listen & convincing his family I did horrible things, use of pornography, gambling. Seemed he cycled through different addictions but always held down a good job and seemed respected by co-workers & always came off as a nice guy to most people who met him. I am second-guessing myself for divorcing although the deal breaker for me was his refusal to take me or help me through a major surgery & during that time I found charges for escorts on his credit card. Just wondering if anyone else had someone in their life like this that can hopefully shed some light on this for me. My depression since divorcing is more severe now & especially since I know he now has a relationship with someone else and I have convinced myself it must have been me because I do not see him doing these things to the new one. Hoping for some help.
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Originally Posted by Flicka57 
I am second-guessing myself for divorcing although the deal breaker for me was his refusal to take me or help me through a major surgery & during that time I found charges for escorts on his credit card.
To me, that right there is grounds for divorce. Throw in addictions and even more reasons to run from this one. And you did - good for you!! Many women stay and try to "fix" things for far too long. You exercised good judgment and ended this relationship immediately. Impressive.
Ok, so what now? Are you being treated by a health care provider for your depression? If not, why not? If so, can you add to that some therapy to work through the issues related to the divorce? After a year, it is time to move on and let it all go.
I understand wanting to find reasons, but ultimately, you may find the reasons don't make sense to you anyway. This kind of stuff rarely does, except for being caught in someone's desire to self destruct.
Keep reading and keep coming back!
~T
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Hammer:
Thanks for ray of hope
Tuffgirl: my second guessing is still not sure about him being A because the drinking not as severe. Unable to get any help for depression--lost my health insurance with divorce. Only barely got my last radiation treatment in before the insurance was pulled so my depression comes from many sources: emotional abuse, fear for my health & separation & making sense of it all so I can move forward.
Thanks for ray of hope
Tuffgirl: my second guessing is still not sure about him being A because the drinking not as severe. Unable to get any help for depression--lost my health insurance with divorce. Only barely got my last radiation treatment in before the insurance was pulled so my depression comes from many sources: emotional abuse, fear for my health & separation & making sense of it all so I can move forward.
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Hello Flicka57, and pleased to "meet" you 
A "functioning" alcoholic is one that has an enabler such that the alkie apears to "function" some of the time, in some situations.
My ex-wife was never late for work. Because I drove her to work to make sure she didn't loose her job. She always finished her assignments. Because she would stay at work late into the night after everybody else had left knowing that I would go pick her up.
"Functioning" is just a stage of the addiction. An easy way to spot a "functioner" is that they have "Tarzan" relationships with enablers. Like Tarzan swings from one vine to another, but _never_ lets go of one vine until he has a solid hold on the next vine, "functioners" always have one or two enablers "on the line" in case the current one gets smart.
That's what escort services are for, or online dating sites. It's where functioning addicts go shopping for the next enabler.
The reason I left my ex-wife was _not_ because she was addicted to pain pills. It's because of her behavior. The things she was doing were not acceptable from _any_ wife, even if she had _not_ been an addict. Al-anon and SR helped me understand that the problem was the _behaviors_, and my willingness to allow those.
I don't try to make sense of it all anymore. Some people are just not sensible. It would be like trying to make soup out of a rock. Just because I try really hard and really, really believe the rock can change I'm stil not going to make soup.
My life is busy right now. I have health problems, job problems and I need to focus on taking care of _me_. Maybe after all of that is settled I can go back to school and get a PH.D. on "irrational people". Maybe not. Right now I have a life to live and I don't have the time to spare.
Okay, so every now and then my head does go wandering off into the land of "what if", but not too often anymore
Mike
A "functioning" alcoholic is one that has an enabler such that the alkie apears to "function" some of the time, in some situations.
My ex-wife was never late for work. Because I drove her to work to make sure she didn't loose her job. She always finished her assignments. Because she would stay at work late into the night after everybody else had left knowing that I would go pick her up.
"Functioning" is just a stage of the addiction. An easy way to spot a "functioner" is that they have "Tarzan" relationships with enablers. Like Tarzan swings from one vine to another, but _never_ lets go of one vine until he has a solid hold on the next vine, "functioners" always have one or two enablers "on the line" in case the current one gets smart.
That's what escort services are for, or online dating sites. It's where functioning addicts go shopping for the next enabler.
The reason I left my ex-wife was _not_ because she was addicted to pain pills. It's because of her behavior. The things she was doing were not acceptable from _any_ wife, even if she had _not_ been an addict. Al-anon and SR helped me understand that the problem was the _behaviors_, and my willingness to allow those.
I don't try to make sense of it all anymore. Some people are just not sensible. It would be like trying to make soup out of a rock. Just because I try really hard and really, really believe the rock can change I'm stil not going to make soup.
My life is busy right now. I have health problems, job problems and I need to focus on taking care of _me_. Maybe after all of that is settled I can go back to school and get a PH.D. on "irrational people". Maybe not. Right now I have a life to live and I don't have the time to spare.
Okay, so every now and then my head does go wandering off into the land of "what if", but not too often anymore
Mike
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Originally Posted by Flicka57
...I know he now has a relationship with someone else and I have convinced myself it must have been me because I do not see him doing these things to the new one.
"...always came off as a nice guy to most people who met him."
Now you are on the outside. You really have no idea what the relationship with the new woman is, so don't stew in it.
Wishing you comfort.
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Desert Eyes-thank you for your insight but I was never an enabler & he got himself to work & never missed events and always tried new things but tired of them. . .guess that included me also. Just wondering if the alcohol caused him to be abusive, caused the infidelity and caused him to make up lies about me so I know one answer & move on.
DoggoneCarl: Trying not to stew on his current relationship, just trying to make sense of what happened to ours for him to throw away a 15 year marriage for what???
DoggoneCarl: Trying not to stew on his current relationship, just trying to make sense of what happened to ours for him to throw away a 15 year marriage for what???
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flicka, do you have any alanon groups that you can get to? If so, alanon would be perfect for you--because face to face interaction with understanding and supportive others can do wonders for your mood. These people have walked in your shoes.
For any depression there are certain things that work: (1) talking with others about your feelings, etc. (2) structure in your day---keep busy doing something--anything! Push yourself, if necessary (3) physical activity---simple walking will do--but, just anything that involves body movement.
In the meantime, as Tuffgirl said, it would be prudent to line up a therapist or counselor of some sort, to help you over this hump. No doubt, you have been grieving during this past year--which is to be expected---but, feeling this l ow at one year out is an indication that you could use some additional help.
All you need is some help---you should'nt have to suffer like this.
Be glad that you have had the courage and stamina to leave n ABUSIVE relationship.
You are much stronger than you are giving yourself credit for.
Keep posting---you are not alone!!!
dandylion
For any depression there are certain things that work: (1) talking with others about your feelings, etc. (2) structure in your day---keep busy doing something--anything! Push yourself, if necessary (3) physical activity---simple walking will do--but, just anything that involves body movement.
In the meantime, as Tuffgirl said, it would be prudent to line up a therapist or counselor of some sort, to help you over this hump. No doubt, you have been grieving during this past year--which is to be expected---but, feeling this l ow at one year out is an indication that you could use some additional help.
All you need is some help---you should'nt have to suffer like this.
Be glad that you have had the courage and stamina to leave n ABUSIVE relationship.
You are much stronger than you are giving yourself credit for.
Keep posting---you are not alone!!!
dandylion
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I don't know why we codependents think we're making a mistake by leaving someone who is "emotionally abusive to me, telling horrible lies about me to anyone who would listen & convincing his family I did horrible things, use of pornography, gambling".......... We don't just leave, either, we let them live rent-free in our heads for a long time. I've been through the same thing you describe and know it eventually passes. Thank God for Alanon and learning that I don't have to pick anyone like this again.
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You will never figure out why an addict did what he did.
Beyond "because he's an addict"...
I've found that I am plenty busy figuring out why I reacted and behaved the way I did in that relationship, and work on making sure I don't do it again. HE is history. Forget about him. The only thing that matters is that you not end up in a destructive relationship again.
Beyond "because he's an addict"...
I've found that I am plenty busy figuring out why I reacted and behaved the way I did in that relationship, and work on making sure I don't do it again. HE is history. Forget about him. The only thing that matters is that you not end up in a destructive relationship again.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Flicka,
I still second guess myself for my divorce, blame myself, etc. It has been 5 years since my divorce. When I developed a relationship with my ex, I was a teen who already had 17 years of abuse (all forms) under my belt. My ex abused me prior to my marriage to him at 18 and I even witnessed his physical assault on the girl who he dated before me. After our divorce, he continued to be in my life, dropping by unexpected, expecting me to cook for him, engage in bedroom antics with him, etc. He continued to have my heart strings, wanting me back, then switching to the abuser, to the nice guy, back to the abuser. Then last year he started to date someone. I can see the pattern re-emerge. The lies, the treatment, etc... yet there is a part of me that still believes, if only I can fix me, then he'd love me, get sober, we'd get back together, that none of this was his fault...
I still second guess myself for my divorce, blame myself, etc. It has been 5 years since my divorce. When I developed a relationship with my ex, I was a teen who already had 17 years of abuse (all forms) under my belt. My ex abused me prior to my marriage to him at 18 and I even witnessed his physical assault on the girl who he dated before me. After our divorce, he continued to be in my life, dropping by unexpected, expecting me to cook for him, engage in bedroom antics with him, etc. He continued to have my heart strings, wanting me back, then switching to the abuser, to the nice guy, back to the abuser. Then last year he started to date someone. I can see the pattern re-emerge. The lies, the treatment, etc... yet there is a part of me that still believes, if only I can fix me, then he'd love me, get sober, we'd get back together, that none of this was his fault...
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lillamy,
For me the need to understand why the addicts in my life did as they did, is so that I can try to make some sense of it all, find closure, etc... I know why I reacted/acted the way I did...
For me the need to understand why the addicts in my life did as they did, is so that I can try to make some sense of it all, find closure, etc... I know why I reacted/acted the way I did...
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To me it wouldn't matter if he was an addict or not. He was a royal a$$hole.
He's a pig. If he's such a 'catch' why was he paying for hookers?
Major changes in life can be unnerving. I hope you see a qualified therapist. Shop around and find one the fits with you.
telling horrible lies about me
convincing his family I did horrible things
refusal to take me or help me through a major surgery
& during that time I found charges for escorts on his credit card
Major changes in life can be unnerving. I hope you see a qualified therapist. Shop around and find one the fits with you.
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Originally Posted by Flicka57
Desert Eyes-thank you for your insight but I was never an enabler & he got himself to work & never missed events and always tried new things but tired of them. . .guess that included me also. Just wondering if the alcohol caused him to be abusive, caused the infidelity and caused him to make up lies about me so I know one answer & move on.
If the alcohol did NOT cause him to be abusive, adultering, and a liar, than he's a pretty awful human being.
If it DID cause him to be abusive, adultering, and a liar, than he's still a pretty awful human being for doing these things.
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Originally Posted by Flicka57
... making sense of it all so I can move forward.
That knowledge led you to a divorce last year. Having a logical understanding of why he did what he did doesn't matter anymore. It's over, and he is with someone else now (lucky her, said sarcastically).
I know the "need to make sense of it" feeling very well. I did this for a long time myself. I too thought it was a process of letting go. It's not. It's a process of doubting our own good judgment and ability to ascertain what is right and wrong, and that thinking is not healthy.
If you can't seek outside help because of cost, check out your local library's self-help section. Lots of great reads available that cover these very topics. I know this because I read a lot of them!
Moving on is a choice we consciously make each and every day. We choose to not obsess and over-think and over-analyze every detail of the past relationship. We choose to say "enough!" and then go focus on our own lives. We choose to accept it for what it really was (dysfunctional) and our own part in it (I chose the dysfunction and stayed for far too long) and fix what is wrong with US so we don't make the same mistake again. That's what healthy "moving on" looks like.
Once I embraced that new perspective, letting go got a whole lot easier. Sure, it still hurts sometimes, but I don't let myself wallow in that place for longer than the fleeting acknowledgement of it. That's my power and my control.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Hi Flicka57!
I am sorry you have had a hard time. Keep coming here and reading and get to Alanon - you will be so glad that you did. It may sound harsh to hear "quit trying to make sense of it" but you will learn that addiction doesn't make sense, so you keep yourself spinning in circles. You are stronger than you think - you have the hard part behind you - leaving! So start living today for you and don't worry about the past or trying to figure anything out. I know you want to know, but truth is, you may never fully figure it out, so why waste your time and energy on that when you can be doing something good for yourself!
Hang in there, it will get better, the trick is to just stay focused on you, keep reading and posting here at SR (they have been a life saver to me), and get to Alanon!
Sending you lots of hugs!
I am sorry you have had a hard time. Keep coming here and reading and get to Alanon - you will be so glad that you did. It may sound harsh to hear "quit trying to make sense of it" but you will learn that addiction doesn't make sense, so you keep yourself spinning in circles. You are stronger than you think - you have the hard part behind you - leaving! So start living today for you and don't worry about the past or trying to figure anything out. I know you want to know, but truth is, you may never fully figure it out, so why waste your time and energy on that when you can be doing something good for yourself!
Hang in there, it will get better, the trick is to just stay focused on you, keep reading and posting here at SR (they have been a life saver to me), and get to Alanon!
Sending you lots of hugs!
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Originally Posted by Flicka57
Hammer:
Thanks for ray of hope
Tuffgirl: my second guessing is still not sure about him being A because the drinking not as severe. Unable to get any help for depression--lost my health insurance with divorce. Only barely got my last radiation treatment in before the insurance was pulled so my depression comes from many sources: emotional abuse, fear for my health & separation & making sense of it all so I can move forward.
Thanks for ray of hope
Tuffgirl: my second guessing is still not sure about him being A because the drinking not as severe. Unable to get any help for depression--lost my health insurance with divorce. Only barely got my last radiation treatment in before the insurance was pulled so my depression comes from many sources: emotional abuse, fear for my health & separation & making sense of it all so I can move forward.
There are state assisted programs for depression. That charge just a couple bucks for appt and maybe a 5 buck co pay for psych meds. I would look into it.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Flicka, I went through a similar marriage. I ran away a year ago on July 4th, filed for divorce, and have healed so much in the interim. I am now divorced and just bought a little house of my own and am so much more peaceful and contented.
That life is there waiting for you, too. You might want to click on my screename, and a menu will pop up. Choose "see all threads started" and you can follow my journey. I removed the first few months of posts/threads because I thought I was being stalked, but the rest are there, along with so many many helpful wise supportive responses from SR.
We're all here with you: you can let go of the psychological hold this man has on you, whether or not he was an alcoholic, and you can heal.
ShootingStar1
That life is there waiting for you, too. You might want to click on my screename, and a menu will pop up. Choose "see all threads started" and you can follow my journey. I removed the first few months of posts/threads because I thought I was being stalked, but the rest are there, along with so many many helpful wise supportive responses from SR.
We're all here with you: you can let go of the psychological hold this man has on you, whether or not he was an alcoholic, and you can heal.
ShootingStar1
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Thank You All
You all had great ideas & you are right I generally need to forget but I have ongoing problems that I am trying to close this chapter of my life.
-only one Al Anon in my area at a time that I can attend & consisted of the same 6 women just talking town gossip
-no insurance, doctor's won't see me & all state aid has been cut unless you are disabled or senior citizen which I am not
-my ex literally started with a divorce process 3 times: once when a lump was discovered in my neck (later removed & benign), once when lump discovered in breast (later removed & benign) and finally he started another divorce attempt & I finished it when they discovered I had a brain tumor. I got one radiation treatment in before I lost the health insurance & now since divorce more lumps both breasts, fortunately both benign again but I am unable due to total lack of funds now & no insurance to do any more follow ups. I hope I outlive my brain tumor but I walk around now wanting my answers I guess because I'm not sure at any moment if I will be here tomorrow. No jobs available in my area with health benefits & go get a price for insurance & watch what happens when you tell them you have these tumors--they want more per month in premiums than I make in a year working 2 jobs. I suppose I want to know which he was: a despicable person who could not handle sickness in his spouse or an alcoholic who hid it very well! Sorry for rambling--bad day!
-only one Al Anon in my area at a time that I can attend & consisted of the same 6 women just talking town gossip
-no insurance, doctor's won't see me & all state aid has been cut unless you are disabled or senior citizen which I am not
-my ex literally started with a divorce process 3 times: once when a lump was discovered in my neck (later removed & benign), once when lump discovered in breast (later removed & benign) and finally he started another divorce attempt & I finished it when they discovered I had a brain tumor. I got one radiation treatment in before I lost the health insurance & now since divorce more lumps both breasts, fortunately both benign again but I am unable due to total lack of funds now & no insurance to do any more follow ups. I hope I outlive my brain tumor but I walk around now wanting my answers I guess because I'm not sure at any moment if I will be here tomorrow. No jobs available in my area with health benefits & go get a price for insurance & watch what happens when you tell them you have these tumors--they want more per month in premiums than I make in a year working 2 jobs. I suppose I want to know which he was: a despicable person who could not handle sickness in his spouse or an alcoholic who hid it very well! Sorry for rambling--bad day!
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For me the need to understand why the addicts in my life did as they did, is so that I can try to make some sense of it all, find closure, etc... I know why I reacted/acted the way I did...
In other words -- I don't think you can make sense of it. I don't think you can ever get closure by trying to understand their behavior outside of the context of "here's how addicts tend to react"...
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