All right. Where do I start?

Old 07-19-2013, 07:36 AM
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All right. Where do I start?

I'm a 50 something year old lady married for almost 10 years to an alcohol abuser - probably an alcoholic. It was several years into our marriage when our night-caps turned into all - out drunks for him, but at the time, his father was dying of cancer and I thought it was just poor stress management on his part.
Fast-forward 10 years, and he's done every stupid drunken thing a person can do, but he has never been abusive, has not yet had a DUI, has not had any law trouble, has evaded trouble at work.
A month ago, he dropped a cigarette in a sofa and started a fire in our home. The breaker that the smoke detectors was on was temporarily out of service, waiting for the electrician, so our smoke detector never went off. If my stepson hadn't come home, I'm convinced we'd have died. AH knew I was on my last nerve then, but a couple of weeks later, on the eve of a big visit by a bunch of his out of town relatives, I woke to find him smashed and bumping around the kitchen, cooking. He could barely stand, let alone cook. The next day after work, I packed a bag and left. I was gone for two weeks. Initially, he was annoyed and embarassed to have to explain to his family that his wife had left him. Then he was apologetic and begging, and then finally beligerent and threatening. Finally he showed up sober and begged me to come home. He looked so physically awful and so heart broken that I agreed.
He has been sober since. He's reading at SMART recovery, and has read the AA big book. He's attended meetings at SMART and one AA meeting.
I have to admit my shame at not understanding that he was on a slippery slope. I thought he had poor self control and was making bad decisions, and I didn't like it, but I didn't see an inevitable downward spiral. I feel SO STUPID about that. Additionally, I drank with him, much of the time. I have pretty severe PTSD (requiring years of therapy and one three month out of state inpatient stint), with few remaining symptoms. The worst of the PTSD is inability to fall asleep, so for years I've used either Ambien or alcohol at bedtime to sleep.
I haven't had any Ambien or alcohol since I came home, and amazingly, I'm sleeping just fine with Trazadone, but I do realize that I condoned his out of control drinking with my nightly drink. I haven't had any problem with not drinking since my return home. I feel hung over from the Trazadone, but don't miss the alcohol at all. I didn't drink for relaxation or a buzz, just drank it and went to bed 15 minutes later.
I don't know what my first steps are, here. I actually have alot of boundary setting experience and disengaging experience, this according to my therapist. I really, really love this guy and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but not when he's drinking. Currently, I'm reading at SMART and here, and have read "Get Your Loved One Sober" and " Everything Changes," in the last week. I am sure you can't rush the process, and know that I have precious little patience for process, but I'm open to any recommendations you all have. I feel so lost. Now that I realize that this won't be a quick fix, I'm not sure where to start.
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Old 07-19-2013, 07:44 AM
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You've already started. There isn't a straight line for recovery. If you want concrete steps, I suggest you get an Al-Anon sponsor, and start working the individual steps, in order. They are in order for a reason.

Doing the Step work is something that many, many alcoholics and friends and family of alcoholics have found to be invaluable at cutting to the chase and providing a proven way of making your life better. The Steps are basically a blueprint for a good, happy life for ANYONE. If everyone in the world lived by those principles the world would be a better, happier place. But we can only change ourselves.

If you go to an Al-Anon meeting and find someone who has worked the Steps and "has what you want" then ask her if she is willing to sponsor you. Most people consider it an honor and a privilege to work with someone else. If that person can't for some reason, she may suggest someone else you could ask.
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Old 07-19-2013, 07:48 AM
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Home Run, Lex.

What Lex said.
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Old 07-24-2013, 03:05 PM
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Went to my second Alanon meeting yesterday. I don't really "get it." What we do is someone reads a passage about a topic, and then we go around the room and comment on the topic. I guess it's not specific enough for me. After the meeting, we stood around and talked, and that seemed more specific and helpful, and I wonder why the whole meeting isn't like that???
AH has been sober for 17 days now. I told that to a RA at the meeting, and he seemed surprised and asked if I was sure. I said "I think so." Maybe I'm kidding myself? He's certainly been sober at night at home. Maybe he's hiding liquor and drinking it there, but he isn't getting drunk, and I'll be damned if I'll go looking for liquor. If he's drinking, it'll show itself at some point, and then we'll deal with that. For now, I am happy that he is coming to bed sober at night, snuggling and keeping me warm. We're making progress in our division of finances (in lieu of a separation agreement). He's opened his own checking account, and we've divided the bills equitably. I still need to re-finance my car in my own name. He's going to show me how he managed the bills, this weekend.
I need to start thinking about boundaries for when/if he relapses. Originally, my plan was to write up a separation agreement that said that we would live together in our home, for as long as he remains sober. If he resumes drinking, he'll have to leave the house, and I will file for divorce.
As I'm coming to terms with the disease model of alcoholism, I do accept that at least one relapse is likely. Any ideas of how to frame my expectations? Are these expectations what's called boundaries?
If I should be starting a new thread for these ramblings, let me know. I read here daily and it seems like new threads are started regularly, but I really can't keep up with all the reading here.
Thank you, anyone!
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Old 07-24-2013, 03:06 PM
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Oh, and I think IF I stick with Alanon, I may have found someone I'd ask to sponsor me. She used to work with/for me and I respect her very much. But I think I should see if the Alanon program "works" for me, first?
This probably sounds very "codie" LOL but I'd hate to disappoint her or waste her time.
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Old 07-24-2013, 03:35 PM
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jmho . . . sounds like you are doing great.

You are correct that different meetings and groups have very different styles.

I hit a few across Texas, so I see different flavors.

Some do the very formal meetings like you described. A set topic, reading from Alanon literature (only), and folks only speak about how things are with themselves.

Others are open discussions. I have heard of some that do both -- 1 hour of the reading type, and a second hour of small group discussions.

Your understanding and operation towards boundaries sounds great, too.

Maybe read the "12 and 12?" That is the 12 steps and 12 traditions of Alanon, sort of explained out at a Chapter by Chapter level.

But overall -- You Keep Going Girl. Doing Great.
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Old 07-24-2013, 03:49 PM
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Cool

Lexie Cat summed it up well.
Your husband sounds a bit like me; never set the house alight, but lost my license for drunk driving et al..
A.A., 2nd time round, for me has had very positive results this year.

Hang on in, and replace those batteries.
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Old 07-24-2013, 06:00 PM
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Get the sponsor first, and start working the Steps. That IS the Al-Anon program, not the meetings. The meetings are the Fellowship, but the Steps are the program. So it's only by working the Steps you will know if the program "works" for you.

At a lot of the AA meetings I go to (and the Al-Anon meetings I used to go to), at the very end we would say, "It works if you work it!" IOW, it is a program of action.
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Old 07-25-2013, 11:31 AM
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Lexiecat, I had no idea that sponsorship was the "helpful part!" I thought the meetings were supposed to be that. This information helps - thank you!
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Old 07-25-2013, 12:22 PM
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Meetings are helpful, too, because you and others get to share your "experience, strength and hope" with each other. Meetings are to discuss the program and how it can be applied to life. Often other perspectives can be very helpful with that. They also help us to feel not alone, as we are with others dealing with similar issues.

But individual problem-solving is best done with a sponsor. I guess that's the best way to explain it. Sponsorship and step work is the intensive work, but the meetings can be awesome, as well.
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Old 07-25-2013, 05:10 PM
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Thank you again, LexieCat! Your insight is invaluable! I think I'll try a different group this weekend. Maybe I'm just in a very rigid group, because nothing concrete seems to be offered. When people speak in the meeting, their answers are very, very vague. I don't know how to describe it, but I'm a very "concrete" person. I need specifics, examples, etc. I'm not good at extrapolating details from generalizations.
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