Family Troubles Advice Please
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 458
Family Troubles Advice Please
I believe as a result of child abuse at a young age, I have coped using a string of bad things to block it. Between the ages of 10 - 20 stealing money and shop lifting awful habit but I could not control myself, lots of disgusting under age sexual activities which continued until I met my husband, binge eating, age 11 start smoking, at 15 tell my parents of the abuse, pointless really nothing changed, then I find drugs and alcohol, spent ages 18-21 taking all kinds of drugs. 21 - 22 sort of normal just go out get pissed on the weekends. Drug only on special occasions.
23 had my first child stopped the drugs and only drunk socially, 27 had my 2nd child, depression set in. 6 years getting pissed nearly every night, no longer taking care of myself, become not such a good mum there in body but not in sprit. 8 months ago I had to go through a family wedding where this uncle who is the person who abused me was sat there laughing and joking on the table next to me.
two weeks later I have a mental break down and trash my parents house in rage. My parents decide they no longer want anything to do with. How could I do this to them, I always made my mums life hell (all the bad stuff I mentioned was done in secrecy, never brought any trouble to the house)
My whole life got tipped upside down and I have done a lot of working trying to fix myself, with the help of my husband, councillor and of SR
Well Yesterday, my mum followed me into a car park while I waiting for my children school bus. She called me I ignored her at first and collected the children as normal, as I returned to the car I could see my mum hiding in the corner really upset and angry, I said tot he children "look there's nanny and they run over hugging her, she cam over and hugged me and started crying.
I sent the children to the shop, and I asked her why now, if she had not seen my car would she have phoned or come to see me, she replied NO!!! Then starting telling me again how awful I am, how I've always treated her so bad, never like a mum. I asked why she thought it was acceptable to walk out of my life, she told me I left her no choice, as she kept going on about her I told her, if that how she sees things I've got nothing else to say to her. I agreed to drop the children off to her tomorrow.
Now I know I can be a bitch, and really have a horrible tongue on me when I'm not happy, so I am sorry if the way I have spoken to her in the past has upset her, why not say something before and maybe I could have see what I was doing and how I was treating her. I told her I was at my lowest, mentally going crazy and near on a breakdown and she was not there for me and I don't think I could forgive her for it.
I still feel she is not prepared to accept the abuse and my troubles.
What do I do now, my head is all over the place and I just know I'll waste the whole of today stewing over it.
Still 55 days sober, coped yesterday really well I think considering
Thanks for reading xxx
PS please excuse the wording spelling I never planned on it being this long but somehow feel I can't re read, just need to put it out there if that makes any sense.
23 had my first child stopped the drugs and only drunk socially, 27 had my 2nd child, depression set in. 6 years getting pissed nearly every night, no longer taking care of myself, become not such a good mum there in body but not in sprit. 8 months ago I had to go through a family wedding where this uncle who is the person who abused me was sat there laughing and joking on the table next to me.
two weeks later I have a mental break down and trash my parents house in rage. My parents decide they no longer want anything to do with. How could I do this to them, I always made my mums life hell (all the bad stuff I mentioned was done in secrecy, never brought any trouble to the house)
My whole life got tipped upside down and I have done a lot of working trying to fix myself, with the help of my husband, councillor and of SR
Well Yesterday, my mum followed me into a car park while I waiting for my children school bus. She called me I ignored her at first and collected the children as normal, as I returned to the car I could see my mum hiding in the corner really upset and angry, I said tot he children "look there's nanny and they run over hugging her, she cam over and hugged me and started crying.
I sent the children to the shop, and I asked her why now, if she had not seen my car would she have phoned or come to see me, she replied NO!!! Then starting telling me again how awful I am, how I've always treated her so bad, never like a mum. I asked why she thought it was acceptable to walk out of my life, she told me I left her no choice, as she kept going on about her I told her, if that how she sees things I've got nothing else to say to her. I agreed to drop the children off to her tomorrow.
Now I know I can be a bitch, and really have a horrible tongue on me when I'm not happy, so I am sorry if the way I have spoken to her in the past has upset her, why not say something before and maybe I could have see what I was doing and how I was treating her. I told her I was at my lowest, mentally going crazy and near on a breakdown and she was not there for me and I don't think I could forgive her for it.
I still feel she is not prepared to accept the abuse and my troubles.
What do I do now, my head is all over the place and I just know I'll waste the whole of today stewing over it.
Still 55 days sober, coped yesterday really well I think considering
Thanks for reading xxx
PS please excuse the wording spelling I never planned on it being this long but somehow feel I can't re read, just need to put it out there if that makes any sense.
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Have you ever tried working the 12 steps or engaging with therapy and self help ? i haven't done the 12 steps but have done a lot of the latter two .
It sounds like you have a lot of stuff you need to deal with that you're carrying around, i know it's difficult to confront and deal with but for me it's been a lifesaver to get help so i could learn how to live free.
Other people being there for me or not, what they did or didn't do, them being ready to accept their role and responcibillity are all things out of my control so i've had to learn to deal with that .
For me stopping drink was one part of it but i had to work on a way to make sober life bareable, learn to let resentments go, so i could live in relative peace, happiness and freedom sober without wanting to blott things out with drink or getting stoned .
55 Days is a great achievement
Soz if i'm telling you stuff you know already . Keep on keeping on
Bestwishes, m
It sounds like you have a lot of stuff you need to deal with that you're carrying around, i know it's difficult to confront and deal with but for me it's been a lifesaver to get help so i could learn how to live free.
Other people being there for me or not, what they did or didn't do, them being ready to accept their role and responcibillity are all things out of my control so i've had to learn to deal with that .
For me stopping drink was one part of it but i had to work on a way to make sober life bareable, learn to let resentments go, so i could live in relative peace, happiness and freedom sober without wanting to blott things out with drink or getting stoned .
55 Days is a great achievement
Soz if i'm telling you stuff you know already . Keep on keeping on
Bestwishes, m
Faith and reason
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: London
Posts: 941
Wow Dorris, how amazing that you've survived everything you went through to come out the other side and start working on your recovery and turning your life around! That, to me, is very inspirational.
I agree that 12 step work/therapy/self help can help you to sort through this stuff, depending on what's right for you. It's certainly helped me with my own sexual abuse issues and my relationship with my mother, who also didn't do anything when I told her about the abuse.
In the meantime, talk to your mum about what you're going through, what you've been through mentally and emotionally and your doubts that she's ready to accept all that you've been through. I know you talked to her in the car park, but have a sit-down conversation in private, without the kids around.
I agree that 12 step work/therapy/self help can help you to sort through this stuff, depending on what's right for you. It's certainly helped me with my own sexual abuse issues and my relationship with my mother, who also didn't do anything when I told her about the abuse.
In the meantime, talk to your mum about what you're going through, what you've been through mentally and emotionally and your doubts that she's ready to accept all that you've been through. I know you talked to her in the car park, but have a sit-down conversation in private, without the kids around.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 458
Thank you both, I'm not in AA but think I'll look into the 12 steps, it's hard because I want to put this behind me so much, but I also don't want it swept under the carpet like it have been for so many years and I just feel my mum don't want to accept the truth.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
maybe speak to your counselor before you go another round with self-centered mama?
as a mother yourself, how would you treat your own child if they came to you with this severe emotional trauma you had?
you can't change mama, but maybe you can forgive her when you are ready. and this just means ( to me anyway) that you forgive her for yourself, so you can move ahead...you don't have to keep her company.
as a mother yourself, how would you treat your own child if they came to you with this severe emotional trauma you had?
you can't change mama, but maybe you can forgive her when you are ready. and this just means ( to me anyway) that you forgive her for yourself, so you can move ahead...you don't have to keep her company.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
Ah Dorris I really feel for you, and what a shame to see a theme here with you too Louise and me also.
I had a terrible relationship with my mum growing up because of the abuse I suffered, and like you can have a vicious tongue at times. It all got worse when I had psychotherapy as it seemed to bring it all to the surface but not deal with it.
My mum and I have argued and cried over it so many times. I know she feels guilty, but she still will not really acknowledge nor want to talk about it. She's cried a lot and said if she could go back and change things she would, she'll get self pitying and turn it into - I was being beaten black and blue by him at the time, I was trying my best and that makes me cross but also incredibly upset for her.
I was in my mid 20's when our relationship was at it's worse. I'm 37 now and she's my absolute rock and in many ways my best friend. It's hard to say what changed and when it changed, but acceptance had a lot to do with it. My acceptance that Mum will always feel the way she feels, and her acceptance that I will always feel the way I feel. It rarely comes up now, but if and when it does, it's a case of me saying the choices you made in your life Mum ruined MY life - and she accepts that and then it's done. I've wallowed for years, and am still only getting my head around the fact I'm nearly 40 and I've been ruining my own life by myself for years now, this doesn't need to continue.
Sorry, waffling on. I guess what you need to think about is do you want a relationship with your Mum? Do you want to move forwards and build bridges? If so it's about finding a way to do that which you both are comfortable with.
I wish you all the best Dorris, hugs from me. I hope you can both move forwards from this.
I had a terrible relationship with my mum growing up because of the abuse I suffered, and like you can have a vicious tongue at times. It all got worse when I had psychotherapy as it seemed to bring it all to the surface but not deal with it.
My mum and I have argued and cried over it so many times. I know she feels guilty, but she still will not really acknowledge nor want to talk about it. She's cried a lot and said if she could go back and change things she would, she'll get self pitying and turn it into - I was being beaten black and blue by him at the time, I was trying my best and that makes me cross but also incredibly upset for her.
I was in my mid 20's when our relationship was at it's worse. I'm 37 now and she's my absolute rock and in many ways my best friend. It's hard to say what changed and when it changed, but acceptance had a lot to do with it. My acceptance that Mum will always feel the way she feels, and her acceptance that I will always feel the way I feel. It rarely comes up now, but if and when it does, it's a case of me saying the choices you made in your life Mum ruined MY life - and she accepts that and then it's done. I've wallowed for years, and am still only getting my head around the fact I'm nearly 40 and I've been ruining my own life by myself for years now, this doesn't need to continue.
Sorry, waffling on. I guess what you need to think about is do you want a relationship with your Mum? Do you want to move forwards and build bridges? If so it's about finding a way to do that which you both are comfortable with.
I wish you all the best Dorris, hugs from me. I hope you can both move forwards from this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 458
THanks all, it really have help posting here, this morning I was almost blaming myself for everything again, and I have not gone through the last 8 months for nothing.
I will speak to my parents and make it clear I am sorry if I have caused them upset, but I like how you put it MTN, their choices ruined my start in life and I will no longer have them effect my future.
I will be strong and tell her she can continue to do as she pleases but myself and my children will most certainly not have anything else to do with this man ever again.
I will speak to my parents and make it clear I am sorry if I have caused them upset, but I like how you put it MTN, their choices ruined my start in life and I will no longer have them effect my future.
I will be strong and tell her she can continue to do as she pleases but myself and my children will most certainly not have anything else to do with this man ever again.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
You've nothing to blame yourself for at all and absolutely have this man out of your life, that's more than reasonable. I'd be shocked if anybody saw it any differently.
I'm glad you are feeling better for posting
I'm glad you are feeling better for posting
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Hi Dorris. Congratulations on 55 days, you are doing great.
I understand what it is to live through horror as a child, and how that damages you. I also understand having parents who don't seem to care or understand, who look at the past from their own warped, selfish and illogical viewpoint. I understand how being sober lays bare old long forgotten feelings of hurt and betrayal too.
It is a long process to heal, but I wanted to send you a little hope. I worked the steps. That helped me come to terms with the damage my drinking had done to others. I learned to forgive myself and make my amends, how to be more tolerant and understanding and forgive others. However, I needed more help with the whole business of facing and understanding how childhood trauma had shaped me. My sponsor encouraged me to seek professional help and I've been having therapy for the past 6 months or so.
It isn't easy at first, but I am learning so much about myself, and I really believe now that its possible to move beyond the past.
Staying sober is the first step towards your new life Dorris. Seek out help with someone trained in child sexual abuse and take strength from those who are walking this path before you.
It can get better. Stay strong xxx
I understand what it is to live through horror as a child, and how that damages you. I also understand having parents who don't seem to care or understand, who look at the past from their own warped, selfish and illogical viewpoint. I understand how being sober lays bare old long forgotten feelings of hurt and betrayal too.
It is a long process to heal, but I wanted to send you a little hope. I worked the steps. That helped me come to terms with the damage my drinking had done to others. I learned to forgive myself and make my amends, how to be more tolerant and understanding and forgive others. However, I needed more help with the whole business of facing and understanding how childhood trauma had shaped me. My sponsor encouraged me to seek professional help and I've been having therapy for the past 6 months or so.
It isn't easy at first, but I am learning so much about myself, and I really believe now that its possible to move beyond the past.
Staying sober is the first step towards your new life Dorris. Seek out help with someone trained in child sexual abuse and take strength from those who are walking this path before you.
It can get better. Stay strong xxx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 458
Jeni I have thought of you a lot today, how you survived and have managed a year of sobriety. You reached out and shared some of your experience with to me when I first started my struggling with my parents over this issue.
Thanks again for sharing today and I look at you and think I can do it too.
Fandy You spelt it out clear as day - Mama is never going to change, but it don't mean I can't. I sent her a text explaining how I felt, hoping we could get together before tomorrow with the children and after my long winded text saying how I felt, her reply was I'm looking forward to seeing you tomorrow and the children.
I just think at least she will still be a part of my children's lives as they grow up. I can't believe how well I am coping a few months back I would be half through a bottle of vodka.
Thank you everyone for your kind words, it really do mean a lot to me
xxx
Thanks again for sharing today and I look at you and think I can do it too.
Fandy You spelt it out clear as day - Mama is never going to change, but it don't mean I can't. I sent her a text explaining how I felt, hoping we could get together before tomorrow with the children and after my long winded text saying how I felt, her reply was I'm looking forward to seeing you tomorrow and the children.
I just think at least she will still be a part of my children's lives as they grow up. I can't believe how well I am coping a few months back I would be half through a bottle of vodka.
Thank you everyone for your kind words, it really do mean a lot to me
xxx
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
I do not have the personal insight of the others...so I'm so glad they are here with you. I cannot imagine what sort of turmoil it would cause me if my child was abused and violated in the way you were. I'm wondering when you're mother became aware of it and how she handled it then. Did she know before you started acting out with self abuse sexually and with drugs and alcohol? From what you wrote, I'm thinking she has a whole lot of demons she needs to face within herself. Does she blame herself? Does she somehow blame you? Is she trying to sweep something under the carpet that just simply cannot be? Her own emotional maturity appears rather stunted. What is she trapped in? She seems angry....
FANTASTIC on YOU though for hunkering down and gettin' yourself through this. Although my story is very different than yours, your courage and tenancity is inspiring.
FANTASTIC on YOU though for hunkering down and gettin' yourself through this. Although my story is very different than yours, your courage and tenancity is inspiring.
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