Just starting to cut at age 45?
Shape-Shifting Super-Hero
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Eating Tofu!
Posts: 882
Just starting to cut at age 45?
So I have not had a drink in a week, but the other night, when it was so hot, and I felt so weak and delirious, I took my Japanese Chef's knife, and sharpened it on a whetstone for a good five minutes, and then made three small parallel cuts on my lower leg, almost like some kind of Native American war stripes, and I felt like I was in some numb dreamstate.
I have never done anything like this before, but yet, it felt like some sudden compulsion. There was no intent to die, just to make these marks, almost like a tatoo, and see the blood come out. Let the life-force come out, to see that it was still there.
I feel at points an almost total unreality and lack of the ability to influence what happens to me, anymore; perhaps this is some kind of control.
Similarly, I have had the idea to just stop eating. Like a hunger strike. Grow thinner and thinner. Save money, stop eating.
I have quit drinking many times before, and yet, have never had these feelings. Perhaps it is my age, my lack of money, my ruined credit, my lack of owning a house, my broke-down-car, my falling wages as prices rise. A sense of things washing away, and me, along with them. A lack of hope there are enough years to turn things around; a tremendous fear of death, of old age.
So that when I look at these three stripes I made, I feel more alive again, like I am part of some tribe, something beyond this mundane world.
I'm sorry if this is the wrong place to post this, but I feel compelled to do this more...again, just enough to make a mark, to see the blood come out. Come out to show me it is there.
I have never done anything like this before, but yet, it felt like some sudden compulsion. There was no intent to die, just to make these marks, almost like a tatoo, and see the blood come out. Let the life-force come out, to see that it was still there.
I feel at points an almost total unreality and lack of the ability to influence what happens to me, anymore; perhaps this is some kind of control.
Similarly, I have had the idea to just stop eating. Like a hunger strike. Grow thinner and thinner. Save money, stop eating.
I have quit drinking many times before, and yet, have never had these feelings. Perhaps it is my age, my lack of money, my ruined credit, my lack of owning a house, my broke-down-car, my falling wages as prices rise. A sense of things washing away, and me, along with them. A lack of hope there are enough years to turn things around; a tremendous fear of death, of old age.
So that when I look at these three stripes I made, I feel more alive again, like I am part of some tribe, something beyond this mundane world.
I'm sorry if this is the wrong place to post this, but I feel compelled to do this more...again, just enough to make a mark, to see the blood come out. Come out to show me it is there.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
Husky please don't even go there. I was self harming from age 12. The only thing that stopped me was a cut to the thigh (secret place) and the doctor telling me I was one inch away from my femoral artery and that I would have died within 15 minutes.
Can you see a doctor who can refer you to a psychiatrist? Really this is not good Husky, I too used to bleed and feel alive like - look at this blood flowing, so bright and so alive - and SO MENTALLY ILL.
Please don't go there, I don't know what to say. It's taken me over 20 years to overcome self harm by cutting. I know how it feels, I know it seems like it feels good, I know loneliness and the want of just feeling alive.
This is not the way Husky. This is not a good thing. I feel you are crying out and it upsets me that on the other side of the world there is nothing I can do but to say - Don't do it.
Sending love, hugs and positive energy though. You're better than this right?
xx
Can you see a doctor who can refer you to a psychiatrist? Really this is not good Husky, I too used to bleed and feel alive like - look at this blood flowing, so bright and so alive - and SO MENTALLY ILL.
Please don't go there, I don't know what to say. It's taken me over 20 years to overcome self harm by cutting. I know how it feels, I know it seems like it feels good, I know loneliness and the want of just feeling alive.
This is not the way Husky. This is not a good thing. I feel you are crying out and it upsets me that on the other side of the world there is nothing I can do but to say - Don't do it.
Sending love, hugs and positive energy though. You're better than this right?
xx
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
I think self harming is common. I am sure there will stuff somewhere on it on the net. It sounds like it was a way of coping with your situation. It's great you are getting on with not drinking. I wonder if there is other things you can do that would address some of the things getting to you?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,367
Hi Husky
I have absolutely no experience with cutting, but I imagine it has much in common with other addictions, and as such is particularly dangerous for people like us.
In those links I gave you not too long ago, there's a dedicated forum for recovery from self abuse - it might be worth a read over there if you feel this might become a problem:
bus • Index page
D
I have absolutely no experience with cutting, but I imagine it has much in common with other addictions, and as such is particularly dangerous for people like us.
In those links I gave you not too long ago, there's a dedicated forum for recovery from self abuse - it might be worth a read over there if you feel this might become a problem:
bus • Index page
D
Shape-Shifting Super-Hero
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Eating Tofu!
Posts: 882
Originally Posted by MyTimeNow 
Husky please don't even go there. I was self harming from age 12. The only thing that stopped me was a cut to the thigh (secret place) and the doctor telling me I was one inch away from my femoral artery and that I would have died within 15 minutes.
Can you see a doctor who can refer you to a psychiatrist? Really this is not good Husky, I too used to bleed and feel alive like - look at this blood flowing, so bright and so alive - and SO MENTALLY ILL.
Please don't go there, I don't know what to say. It's taken me over 20 years to overcome self harm by cutting. I know how it feels, I know it seems like it feels good, I know loneliness and the want of just feeling alive.
This is not the way Husky. This is not a good thing. I feel you are crying out and it upsets me that on the other side of the world there is nothing I can do but to say - Don't do it.
Sending love, hugs and positive energy though. You're better than this right? xx
Can you see a doctor who can refer you to a psychiatrist? Really this is not good Husky, I too used to bleed and feel alive like - look at this blood flowing, so bright and so alive - and SO MENTALLY ILL.
Please don't go there, I don't know what to say. It's taken me over 20 years to overcome self harm by cutting. I know how it feels, I know it seems like it feels good, I know loneliness and the want of just feeling alive.
This is not the way Husky. This is not a good thing. I feel you are crying out and it upsets me that on the other side of the world there is nothing I can do but to say - Don't do it.
Sending love, hugs and positive energy though. You're better than this right?
xxI do want help, I know this is not a good thing, and yet, it seems like a tattoo of sorts, and some way for me to learn to face pain.
But thank you for reaching out...this feels so odd, I have always heard of this, but always thought it started younger.
Shape-Shifting Super-Hero
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Eating Tofu!
Posts: 882
Originally Posted by Dee74
Hi Husky
I have absolutely no experience with cutting, but I imagine it has much in common with other addictions, and as such is particularly dangerous for people like us.
In those links I gave you not too long ago, there's a dedicated forum for recovery from self abuse - it might be worth a read over there if you feel this might become a problem:
bus • Index page
D
I have absolutely no experience with cutting, but I imagine it has much in common with other addictions, and as such is particularly dangerous for people like us.
In those links I gave you not too long ago, there's a dedicated forum for recovery from self abuse - it might be worth a read over there if you feel this might become a problem:
bus • Index page
D
I also find this odd, being one who is very squeamish, afraid of pain, needles, gets weak at the sight of blood. So that when this urge came to me, and I took those first tentative steps, it was like I had stepped out of my body, or something: I felt like I was dreaming.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
Originally Posted by HuskyPup
Thanks. I hope to talk to a therapist about it, but I don't want them locking me away, then I would lose everything, like happened to some of my friends, who were so much worse when they came out, like zombies, walking dead...never got better after going in.
I do want help, I know this is not a good thing, and yet, it seems like a tattoo of sorts, and some way for me to learn to face pain.
But thank you for reaching out...this feels so odd, I have always heard of this, but always thought it started younger.
I do want help, I know this is not a good thing, and yet, it seems like a tattoo of sorts, and some way for me to learn to face pain.
But thank you for reaching out...this feels so odd, I have always heard of this, but always thought it started younger.
I face pain these days if I'm really stressed out by using wax strips! Yep, legs, arms, wherever it will give me a release. I must be doing ok as I currently resemble a gorilla
I don't know, all I see is you've gotten so far without it, no need to start now. If you want a tattoo - get one. But please don't view seeing your own blood as a sign of being alive. I did and I do, but I don't do it on purpose anymore.
I have to go to bed, it's late here. I feel stupid as it's like an alcoholic telling a person not to drink incase they become an alcoholic - but please, don't go there. There are other things in this beautiful world
Shape-Shifting Super-Hero
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Eating Tofu!
Posts: 882
Thanks, sugarbear. I made an appointment with a therapist for this Saturday...I feel OK now, and looking back, it seemed like some sudden, weird impulse, not like 'me'. But I want to keep these things in check, and address whatever self destructive urges I have, be it drinking, or anything else. Lucky, they just look like scratches, and I think the knife is better used to make salads. Good tomatoes are in season, after all. I'll cut them, instead.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 10
i honestly do not know how to respond to cutting.
i had friends who did this when i was in hs and never discussed it with them.
somehow i know it's not so simple, like saying um just don't do that.
that is a complex issue. we are mostly dealing with alcohol, but i can see some similarities.
you're tag line is 'the body is the soul' i'm am staying away from this issue as much as i can, but i know it is nice to hear from someone and know we want you to be well.
also, i have a good friend that told me to just keep things really simple right now. when i remember that it helps.
i'm glad you will go discuss this with a professional.
i had friends who did this when i was in hs and never discussed it with them.
somehow i know it's not so simple, like saying um just don't do that.
that is a complex issue. we are mostly dealing with alcohol, but i can see some similarities.
you're tag line is 'the body is the soul' i'm am staying away from this issue as much as i can, but i know it is nice to hear from someone and know we want you to be well.
also, i have a good friend that told me to just keep things really simple right now. when i remember that it helps.
i'm glad you will go discuss this with a professional.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: california
Posts: 43
Self harm is progressive just like alcoholism and it can become an addiction.
I went from scratches to stiches in a matter of months.
just like I went from two to three drinks a night to 9 to 10.
please just use it for salads....im new to alcoholism and I cant give advice there but ive been on the selfharm boat you don't want to go there.
I went from scratches to stiches in a matter of months.
just like I went from two to three drinks a night to 9 to 10.
please just use it for salads....im new to alcoholism and I cant give advice there but ive been on the selfharm boat you don't want to go there.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 10
notfixable, is there any more you can say about how you stopped this? no one has to reply and sometimes we actually have things to do, but maybe it might help huskypup.
i'm very glad that you will be meeting with a therapist soon huskypup.
we can talk about something fun if you want to. i can get morbid, but have come to accept many of the joys of contentment and then some on occasion.
even right now, i should pause and realize i have it all right here, for better or worse. i need to chill out and be grateful.
we do have a lot in common.
i'm very glad that you will be meeting with a therapist soon huskypup.
we can talk about something fun if you want to. i can get morbid, but have come to accept many of the joys of contentment and then some on occasion.
even right now, i should pause and realize i have it all right here, for better or worse. i need to chill out and be grateful.
we do have a lot in common.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: california
Posts: 43
I hit a bottom I was 51/50 by my parents ( put in a mental hospital for three days ) . I basically was just done with self harm being the only thing i thought about the only thing i could rely on to bring me up. I chose to stop...it was making my depression worse and i wanted change. you really give up a lot when you chose to selfharm it spreds like wild fire over your body when you start to lose room. i started on my thigh now im covered...the moments of happiness you feel the sort of high you get is momentary and its not worth the scars your going to have for the rest of your life.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,064
Hi 'Pup, thanks for coming here to share your experiences. You seem to realize that this is not at all a good idea, and I feel you are moving in the right direction.
Don't forget what a difficult time of the year this is, and the stress makes a lot of people do harmful things. The days are so long and hot, there is so much more energy, so we with addictive tendencies need to be extra vigilant.
Staying sober is the most important thing. If we lose that, things get out of control so easily...
Best wishes!
∞CF
Don't forget what a difficult time of the year this is, and the stress makes a lot of people do harmful things. The days are so long and hot, there is so much more energy, so we with addictive tendencies need to be extra vigilant.
Staying sober is the most important thing. If we lose that, things get out of control so easily...
Best wishes!
∞CF
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