stucna

Its been more than half a year since my xabf stopped talking to me for no reasons. Ive accepted the fact that he is an addict and that he will never change and what's the most important that I am way better without him, way more happy and that I deserve better.

I've met bunch of new amazing people, started to live again and have fun with life free from dramas, but... Why my xabf is still on the back of my head!? I really want to forget him, but every time I don't keep my head occupy my memories are coming back. I hate that, it stops my recovery and it makes me feel sick and bad about myself. And I've got more important people and things to thing about. But I can't control it, he is on back on my head all the time.

The thing that I found hard to do is to rebuild my self esteem. In the matter of rejection especially. And I don't know why. I've got so many amazing people all around the world who love me as I am. So logically I should be happy with myself. How come this one wrong person, that is even from the past now, made so much mess? and now... I don't even like him and don't have even a tiny bit respect left for him! And I've moved forward, but those stupid thought keep coming back.

I just want to erase him from my mind for ever!

Ann

What helped me from obsessing about my son...and years later when I quit smoking...was to have a "plan" for each time an obsessive thought entered my mind. With my son, when I began obsessing or thinking too much about him, I would tell myself "God's got him covered so go do something now to change the course of your mind." and I would go for a walk, or pick up something uplifting to read or take my camera into nature...and before I knew it I would feel better. Same with smoking. "Not an option" was my thought and then I would go do something positive to take my mind on a better path.

Time will help you but forming a plan to escape the thoughts that drag you down just make help you put in that time constructively.

Good luck.

Hugs

atalose

Did you ever hear the expression: “If life keeps asking you the same questions....You are NOT learning the lessons...”

First off, 6 months is really not a lot of time to work through all your un-resolved emotions regarding the relationship. He stopped talking to you and that left you extremely hurt. You mentioned that your self-esteem suffered, you still need to work through all of that and figure out why you allowed that to happen and what you will do moving forward so it doesn’t happen again.

Depending on what kind of thoughts you are having……are your thought in the way of finding him, contacting him and seeing how he is doing or are your thoughts of anger?

Depending on what your thoughts are will determine which path you need to focus on.

wiscsober

I don't know if you are using a specific therapy: Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) has helped me tremendously. It doesn't take but a day to learn, quite a bit of practice, but very useful.

In Alanon, doing a 4th step followed through with a 5th step also helps.

Both are well worth looking in to.

A recovery saying I now use is: We no longer regret the past...we accept the present.

stucna

Thanks for your amazing support guys!

That's my strategy as well Ann. Everytime those thought coming I've got book in my bag. Or i just walk for hours. I need to force and FOCUS on different thought or stuff tho, it doesn't come itself naturally...

I know what you mean Atalose. I know I need to work on my self esteem really hard. I said I won't get myself to another relationship till I learn to by happy by myself. That's what I am trying to achieve now, tho its really hard. And I still digging in my head to find the answer for your question: why I allowed it to happen?
I don't look for contact with my ex. I would count it as step back. I truly accepted that I don't want him back. I am master with avoiding him as well!

But the anger I feel is incredible...

stucna

Thank you Wiscsober! Ive havent heard about it! Will definitely do some research on REBT

There's nothing more important than our mental health!

atalose

Anger is good....a great motivator. Balance that anger between his part and your part and eventually it will resolve.

Where we tend to get stuck is when WE accept all of the blame or when we push all the blame on them...........balance it all because YES we did play a major part in our relationships with the addict/alcholic and for you to figure out your part and what was so un-healthy about it is benificial for your future relatioships.

wiscsober

I posted a link in the a thread I started titled REBT

stucna: we only forget so much....I still remember a lot of the negativity in my marriage with my AexW....most of it I don't care one way or another....some days I don't live in the present....feel self-pity and think if things could have been different....but what's important is that I no longer feel the anger, hurt, loss, bitterness...of course this hasn't happened overnight....inventory....inventory...inventory... .I confessed a lot in Alanon and AA....trite but a problem shared is halved...I think also a problem shared is more readily solved.

I am not always true to my advice but I know the value

proud for you...and pulling for you