rattus99

I came here in the middle of January after managing to clean myself up in the new year.

Well, guess what?

I messed up.

I wasn't as well as I thought, ended up with another breakdown.

And from there I went pretty damned quickly from "enjoying" a couple of glasses of wine on a Saturday to panic buying bottles of spirits at closing time, etc etc etc.

And that led me back to square one on tuesday morning when I woke up still drunk and looked at myself in the mirror and wanted to die.

Sorry. :-(

I'd like to think I've learned something but I'm pretty devious and enthusiastic when it comes to killing myself with booze.

I can't think I've got too many more chances to straighten out.

I'm 52 and been on thas lark since I was a teenager.

I can't believe how ridiculously and spectacularly stupid I have been again.

But, I'm now on meds for the depression and feeling reasonably emotionally stable.

I just have to stop thinking it is a great idea to pour booze down my gullet.

:-(

Threshold

rattus, glad to have you back on this side of sober.

That first drink certainly does seem to swing wide the gates to hell. ugh.

Junegirl

Welcome back Rattus. I guess quitting is the somewhat easy part. Staying quit, that's the really difficult part...but we have to keep at it til it sticks, right?? Glad you're here to walk this journey with us.

Best to you,

June

Hevyn

Spectacularly stupid - yes, I know it well. I was around your age when I finally got it that I could never touch another drop. No more pretending there was ever any control. Sounds like you're ready to do this - and we have to be ready.

Welcome back Rattus. Here's where the misery can end. You can do it.

TexasMichael

Hey rattus99,

Sorry you are back at square one. I'm a few years older than you, and have drank since my mid-teens. You were ahead of me on sober time, until your recent setback.

I quit for almost a year in 2009. Felt so good and healthy I rewarded myself with a beer. No problem at first, but within two months I was back up to 10+ per day. Also, as you mentioned, "panic buying at closing time."

As near as I can figure that one beer eventually turned in to over 10,000.

Took me 3 1/2 years to learn my lesson again. I'm at 120 days now and don't plan on trying moderation again.

Glad you're back on track again.

ScottFromWI

Glad you are back Rattus. I found that to make it stick, not only did I have to stop thinking the same as you mention above - but more importantly I had to learn how to live and enjoy life sober. SR is a great place to learn how to do that, as well as the many recovery methods discussed here.

Nuudawn

Thank you for reminding us of the slide down the slippery slope when we "think" we can drink. I feel blessed to hold the mental position (most of the time : ) that I want life sober now. I spent enough time in the drunk life going round and round and round and round...getting nowhere. I don't want to dull or vacate my senses no more (I've had a moment or two when that's left me...and there but by the grace of God..and ya, SR..I'm still sober). Welcome back!!!!

rattus99

Yeah, and if I'm <<really>> honest ... perhaps I knew exactly what I was getting into and chose to ignore it.

rattus99

Yup. And there is only one way for it to get easier right?

rattus99

Well you know, that is a nice thing to hear from someone. Cheers mate!!

rattus99

That's the thing.

It's so hard to work up to another go yeah?

rattus99

Yes. I tell myself I have done this already, but I haven't really.

Inside I still want it, and want it badly.

I need to lose that.

Greensleeves

Welcome, Rattus. I never thought I could really quit, either. I thought that life without alcohol would be dismal and boring. Sobriety, to me, meant giving up "the good stuff."

After six months sober, I can tell you I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. I laugh more, I sleep better, I am active in my life in ways I never was before. (Not being hungover is a great incentive for, you know, doing cool stuff.)

When I decided to quit drinking, I realized my "wanter" was broken. What wanted then was alcohol. Now, deep down, I want everything that a sober life has to offer. Take it day by day, and your "wanter" will heal. You can do it.

rattus99

YES!! That!! That is what I want.

I don't want to be confused anymore.

I want to see and confront the world for what it is.

rattus99

Thankyou.

I WILL take it day by day.

MIRecovery

AA works. Quit @ 52. 4 years sober

DisplacedGRITS

I had to smash the idea that i could ever be a normal drinker and face the fact that i was either going to live in the hell that was active alcoholism or learn how to live sober with an alcoholic brain. There is no option C for me. Living sober means i can't ever drink again. It's beyond me. Asking me to drink responsibly or in moderation is like asking me to grow an extra foot. I physically can't do it. We are like men who have lost their legs, we never get them back. I lost my ability to drink and live happily. I can never go back to the times it was good before it got bad. Once i came to accept that alcohol is my master if i let it into my life, i felt a lot more free because the burden of fighting with alcohol was lifted. I have a no contact rule with alcohol and that's the only control i have over it. If you can be honest with yourself and admit you powerlessness over alcohol, you are starting down the right path. Smash the preconception that you can drink like a normie. You are bodily and mentally different from them but you're just like a lot of us and many of us have found the gift of sobriety. So if you are like us and we can do it, it stands to reason that you can do it as well as long as you always stay honest with yourself.

Louise82

Hi rattus,

Welcome back. Don't beat yourself up. I also joined here in January and have actually had more than one slip since then. I'm back on day 11 now. It isn't about how many times we've fallen down, it's about how many times we get back up. Let's stay up this time, yeah?

instant

There is a dark side to all of us. Sober is better, but keeping it that way when feeling good or under pressure is a learnt skill for us. It can be done. Clean up and have another go- we are there with you

rattus99

I have trouble with the God, higher power bit and have always ruled it out.

I intend to go to a meet next Tuesday.

Who know, it might work out.

What's to lose for me?