Sweett1979

I think a guy i was attracted to has a problem and will not recognize it as such. We went out on what i thought would be a date but we sat at the bar. He didn't order any food just several (maybe 10-15) vodka/tonics and about 4 shots of patron, the tab was really high. In between his drinks he kept getting up to go outside and smoke. After this he then asked me to take him to a gas station for mor cigarettes but he came out with a 4 loko and he drunk this on top of what he had just had at the bar. I googled the 4 loko because i did not know what it was and it pretty much is liquid cocaine as it has the same affect as a small hit of cocaine. After he drunk this i got really scared he went to sleep, but an hour later woke up and was sleepwalking and he urinated on my carpet. He went back to sleep and was snoring terribly and his heart was racing!!! This whole thing was scary for me. This sounds like more than a social drinker and i think he may be an alcoholic and possibly abuses other substànces that i don't know of. Are these the signs of substance abuse? He also got waived from playing pro football and i really think it was due to these type of substance issues but he won't talk about it. Now he won't speak to me because he thinks im lying about him peeing on my carpet!!! Should i just say good riddance for my own sake?

AlisonW

That is definitely not normal, social drinking and sounds like a miserable night for you. I'd say goodbye now before you have to deal with any more of his madness. Good luck

Seren

Hello Sweett1979, Welcome!

I guess my very short answer would be YES!

Ten to 15 drinks at a bar in one night seems excessive to me, and urinating on someone's carpet in blackout mode is also a bad sign, imho. For more on that whole subject, you might find this an illuminating, though disturbing, read:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-partner.html

Please stick around, read all you can, you've come to a place where folks really do understand--we've been there before.

Welcome, again!

FeelingGreat

That sounds like the date from hell. Run away as fast as you can!

Pelican

Welcome!

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I know to be true of alcoholics.

Alcoholism is progressive. It Does get worse if untreated.

What you saw on the date is a good indicator of future behavior. In the early phase of dating, most folks have the honeymoon period. When we are trying to put our best face forward. Your guy has shown you up front what he is all about: substance abuse. Believe him.

I had to let go of my fantasies of potential in others. What you see is what you get.

I had fantasies of helping my Alcoholic ex-Husband become all he could potentially be. Honey, even the marines couldn't help him be more than a manipulating, lying, denying, charming, handsome, funny, minimizing, blame-shifting alcoholic!

I learned at this site about the 3 C's of addiction:

I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it.

The addiction, it's consequences, and any future recovery belong to the adult with the issue.

Sweett1979

Hi! Thanks for your response. I've had so much trouble with this because i was attracted to him before i witnessed all the things i mentioned in my post and i really was hurt that he stopped talking to me.. I'm like how do u think my carpet got wet and things knocked off my dresser!? He won't acknowledge what he did or apologize and it just hurt me. But i guess this is a sign that maybe he did me a favor by dissappearing from my life... Still hurts though that he's so cold

DreamsofSerenity

Because you asked: YES! Say good riddance and run. Run like the wind. You will be saving yourself such an incredible amount of heart ache.
And I'd also like to add, the sooner you get away from this man the better. The longer you are around the disease of alcoholism, the more it infects you.

In the meantime, don't wait for him to admit he urinated on your floor and apologize. Drop it. This argument hooks you into the disease process. You start to crave his acknowledgment of his behavior and apologies like he craves booze.

Welcome to SR, Sweett. Please keep reading. There is so much information on here that will give you a much better idea of what you are dealing with. I am very glad you found us.

Sweett1979

Thanks everyone for your posts they are helpful!! I don't talk to this guy anymore of course since he blocked my number for me telling him what he did in my house, but i needed these responses to make me see him for who he is

LexieCat

Actually, it doesn't really matter if he's an alcoholic (which he almost certainly is, btw).

This is the FIRST DATE FROM HELL. Good lord, most people won't go out on another date with someone if they have a crappy time. THIS is way, way, way beyond just being a lousy date. Find someone else to be attracted to. If this is how he is when he's trying to impress someone, how do you think he is the rest of the time?

DreamsofSerenity

That is perfect!! You are lucky. That is also typical alkie behavior: getting furious at YOU for pointing out something THEY did while drunk. He is probably embarrassed. My ex used to disappear when he was embarrassed too.

AnvilheadII

I think it would do YOU well to look at YOUR attraction to him and being so emotionally invested in a single "date" encounter. just because we are attracted to someone or something, shouldn't be our driving force. by the time he was into he 4th drink, that would be have been a good time to excuse yourself and LEAVE. not sit there and count his drinks all night and then take him in YOUR car to get smokes and MORE to drink and THEN take him to your house.

next first date....insist on a restaurant, meet person THERE, have your own transportation and feel free to leave at any time. do NOT take drunken strangers home with you.

OnawaMiniya

This is good advice in my opinion.

He definitely appears to have a serious problem.

This is a good opportunity for you to recognize that you shouldn't be, as the above poster said, so invested in someone who is acting like that, after one date or several. This is not meant to be harsh and I'm not judging you at all. I'm saying that this seems to indicate that you are possibly willing to put up with way more than one reasonably should, and that that's a good thing to identify in yourself and reflect on before you get into a situation where you have regrets. Many people on here can tell you, that's not a fun place to be. What do you think he'd be like AFTER knowing you and being involved with you, if this is how he acts upon being new with each other?

Wishing you luck, and peace.

honeypig

And a big +1000 to what Lexicat and Anvilhead said!

Holy carpfish, this was a FIRST DATE???? What do you think the SECOND one would have been like?

And yes, please do think about doing some work on yourself so you are not set up to become a victim in the future--I don't mean that in a cruel way, just that, as another poster said, you have to wonder why anyone would even CARE that someone like this wouldn't contact them for another "date"....I don't care who you are, you deserve a LOT better than that, Sweet!! Please try to get your head right so this doesn't become a pattern for you.

OnawaMiniya

To elaborate on what I already said/the above points of view and advice given by several others that I agree with in my humble opinion...

I just wanted to stress the point again, that no one here is judging you at ALL. I can see that it might be possible to feel that way given the directness of many of these responses, mine included. Please understand that ALL of us are coming from a place of genuine concern from the heart.

I know I already mentioned that I'm certainly not judging you and that so many of is here in this forum have been there in the past, or are currently there right now... so, please keep in mind that this advice, that these points of view urging you to examine why you would even be willing to feel anything other than relieved that he's actually doing you a FAVOR by cutting off contact with you... this advice and these points of view are being given to you from a place of experience coupled with genuine concern for your happiness and health, from people who have done these same types of things...

I just don't want you to pull away from these responses just because they are blunt or direct or, if you are feeling insecure, they could *feel* like judgements being directed at you. Quite the opposite is true - we can't judge, or damn your experience, since we have done the same things essentially. We wouldn't be here if we hadn't accepted an alcoholic into our life, regardless of or varying experiences within that context (meaning, some of us saw more red flags than others and ignored them; some of us really were oblivious; some of us were/are with alcoholics who were/are master's at hiding the extent of their problem, etc, etc, etc).

I don't know a great deal about you obviously. But it may be interesting and enlightening for you to read about co-dependent behaviors, and see if you can identify with any of the traits. It might offer some insight into why you wouldn't instantly want to run far and fast, before that "date" was even over.

The point is, we all wish for you to spare yourself unnecessary pain and suffering.

VALUE yourself, BE AS CONCERNED FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR WELL BEING as you would be to others, and DON'T SETTLE for being treated poorly.

Can be easier said than done. But worth the work! And post here for support and insight, it will help you to read other's experiences and see if you can identifywith them, and writing about your own confusion will help you to gain clarity. You said you were hurt that he stopped talking to you after he behaved as he did, and I'd like to gently and with kind intentions point out that that isn't in your best interests to have that reaction. Just my opinion, but to me, that indicates that you don't demand the respect and good treatment you deserve, that perhaps you may tend to seek comfort in the attention of others, rather than building up your confidence to where you feel comfortable from the inside out, not from the outside in (which isn't sustainable, anyway, as it's not a state of being as it is when it comes from inside. It's a state of temporary relief when it comes from the outside).

You mentioned that these responses are helpful for you to show you to see him for who he is. Gently and again with kind intentions, I would say that you would benefit from using these responses to see you for who you are as well - someone who would save themself a lot of future heartache, pain, and suffering by learning about why you would consider accepting behavior like that from someone else, why you wouldn't recognize right away that you deserve better. Again, a reminder that so many of us here completely understand because we have done this ourselves. A little self respect and healthy self love go a long way.

Peace!

DreamsofSerenity

That was very sweet and well put, Onawa..

I can totally see myself at one point in my life falling for a wonderful guy like that. The hook would have been that he didn't call me the next day and then wouldn't answer my calls. I would not have been able to let go of wondering WHY? and WHAT DID I DO?

lillamy

If there's a little voice in the back of your head whispering "but if he knew how much I can love him, he wouldn't need to drink anymore" - smack thar voice upside the head.

I was a rescuer when I was younger. I dated one heroin addict, one man with chronic depression who refused treatment, one alcoholic, and then married an alcoholic.

I wish in retrospect that I had channeled my instincts to help people into becoming a nurse or joining the coast guard.

I don't know if you have heard that thought in your head. But if you do, it's your worst enemy. You can't love anyone out of addiction. It's like... A mouse trying to eat a lion. It's not just impossible, it's not what the mouse was created to do.

You are enough. You don't have to fix anyone else in order to be valuable.

OnawaMiniya

Thanks for the kind words

As for what you just said...EXACTLY. You put that very concisely. So many of us have been/are in a situation where, even though we are being treated poorly, we were/we are concerned with what is wrong with US rather than what is wrong with the behavior we have witnessed, when we really need to be healthy and recognize that the opposite is rational. That we are merely seeking outside approval without discrimination, setting ourselves up for hurt because we simply don't demand and expect better treatment.

ClearLight

That's a gift you should cherish. The guy is a waste of space.

wolfpackfan45

Um, alcoholic or not, what a miserable first or last date! Ugh. Does he drink normally? Nope. Not if he's drinking that much and urinating on carpets. My best advice is good riddance.

Sweett1979

Thanks! I think part of my issue is I got mesmerized with his looks and I guess in my mind I hoped for the best and that he would be more but the alcohol and cigs are just awful. He would get up from the bar in between every drink to go smoke...I've never seen someone do this. I also think he had been drinking before we went on our date because I had to drive and he said he had gotten a DUI before....I also found out later that he lives at home with his mom so maybe he spends all of his money on alcohol and can't afford to be on his own!