Kandi25

So, I confronted my mom two weeks ago about her addictions, and instead of dealing with them she chose to move out of my place. She went to stay with my brother. I have been having a lot of guilt over practically making her homeless, but know this is what needed to happen for my sanity and my families safety and happiness. She called me today and wants to know if she can come stay with me for a day or two while she looks for a place over here and gets some things situated. She swears she is not taking anything, and that she is having her doctors switch her meds so she will be out of Adderall. However, she is a notorious liar and tends to say one thing and do another. This is the first time I have ever confronted her over this problem, so I am really torn on what to do.

On one hand, I feel like if she really is clean and trying to take care of herself and get into a place, then I should help her for a day or two. I don't think that is enabling, because she is doing it herself, I am just lending her a place to crash for a day or two. On the other, I think it is strange that suddenly she needs to leave my brothers, and I am worried she isn't telling me the full story. What if she comes and then they won't let her go back there? Then I will be forced to put her out on the street? She also has a history of not following are rules with our children, and I am just now getting my two year old back on track from the bad habits she has pushed onto him.

I feel like even if I tell her my concerns she is going to tell me what I want to hear, and I will have no idea whether or not she is telling the truth. If she is, then it seems cold hearted to say no. If not, then it is going to cause a ton of more problems and conflict, and I am so done with all of that. I feel like either decision is going to be a lose lose here. I hurt for her, and I want her to get on her own feet. She has helped me so much the past two years, how am I supposed to say "No, you can't spend the night here for a day so you can get your things in order". I know her problems are her problems and I shouldn't make it my responsibility, but I feel like there is a difference between taking on her problems and giving a lending hand. Guilt ridden isn't even the word. My stomach hurts just thinking about this conversation.

Please help me.
~Kandi

LucifersAngel

Kandi that took a huge amount of bravery to do!
Have you talked to your brother about how and what she is doing at his house? If there is any communication between you two then you should defiantly check that out, it could be she has to leave because of space issues, or she has to leave because her SA is out of control.
I personally think you should be VERY cautions with letting her back in, maybe meet up for coffee or something to gauge how sincere she seems to be about sobriety. Suggest support or twelve step meetings.

My closing thought is if she really has made that switch in her mind and is ready to change she will one day thank you for not believing her and for keeping you and your children safe. If she hasn't, then you are better off not having her in your home regardless
xoxo LucifersAngel

Kandi25

Thanks, LucifersAngel! When I confronted her, she was in complete denial over her addiction to Adderall. My brother knows about it, but he is messed up too. I don't think he knew that was the reason she left though. I feel like she isn't ready to accept she is addicted, because she keeps telling me she "needs it" and she has a script, so it's okay. She says she is talking to her pharmacist and doctors to see if there is a different type of ADD med that she could try, but I think she is just trying to pacify me. I wish she would do twelve steps and I think I might ask her to go to a meeting with me. Thank you for the advice!

Sistina

Kandi,

It would be a very tough decision for me concerning a parent. I love my Mom to death and would do anything for her. However if she had a substance problem I don't know WHAT I would do. My Father too, has a drinking/substance problem hence my mother left him. He still has not changed.

Have you considered talking to your brother about the situation? Could you ever hold a family meeting, and include a counciler, to discuss a "right" path for your mother? Would she consider going to meetings? SHe may have the WANT to change, but does she have the WILLPOWER.

Let your mother know that when it comes to your children that you are their mommy and will decide what is best for your children. If she wants a part in their lives she will have to respect that. You do not want your children believeing that your mother's behaivior is acceptable!

I wish you luck Kandi.

dandylion

Kandi, I do understand that her being your mother makes your position exquisitely painful---and I am sure that you are engulfed with guilt. However, just because you feel guilty doesn't necessarily mean that you have been a bad daughter. You don't sound like someone who is uncaring--you sound like you have tried and that you love her very much.

I would caution that if you just let her come back with no boundaries and no evidence of change---you will be back in the same spot again! She sounds like she needs detox and rehab and then a program---but she sounds like she is still in denial.

One thing for sure, she will not benefit from enabling.

Perhaps refer her to the county social services or the salvation army?

dandylion