Help, Advise or anything wanted....

Old 07-17-2013, 07:23 AM
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Help, Advise or anything wanted....

I split up with my girl friend last week we had need together for nearly 4 years, it has always been up and down, at first it was ok but then the fighting after a drink started, the lying, the not trusting etc etc to say the least we have had some really bad times during these period.

The week before she went on a bender for two days and was really nasty this was about 8 weeks in a row and i at the point were i couldnt take anymore but stupid me again to give it another go (again). The problem is she could be really nice if she want drunk

I am not saying I am a saint but i certainly don't act that she does.

Anyway that weekend it was my best friends 29th birthday BBQ, my GF was working that day/night so I went on my own, this is the first time i been out in 2 months or so as i always avoided things like this as i thought/did start my GF drinking and then all the problems that happen after.....anyway as its my best friend so I went, I came in later than usual prob cus i haven't seen my friends in months (around 3 o'clock)....but i got accused of cheating which is ridiculous, i explained what had happened but as usual she only hearing the voice in side her head, after what she had done over the last 8 weeks to me i thought she was bang out of order.

On the Sunday she said she was leaving me and that i was a liar and cheat, i didn't get angry or anything and explain this was not the case. I went work on Monday but came home early has this is when she using these things she makes us as excuses to drink and i cant concentrate at work as im constantly on edge waiting for the abusive messages. I got home and she was ok but still amendment she was leaving and went in the spare room. Whist in there she was sneaking vodka which she must have brought ealier and it slowly got worse through out the night to the point were she was writing me crazy letters and calling horrible names like a cripple (I have a muscle weakness i can walk but my brother is in a wheelchair) and other horrible things, then from the other room i could see the light flashing and i went in and she had a dressing gown rope round her neck and too the ceiling light....i asked her to please get down and this was getting really out of control and i would have to call for help, she said if i did she would jump....anyway i called 999 and she jumped, poor attempt as her feet hit the floor but this is besides the point. the police came and she was taken to hospital.

I had many nights like this some times not as bad but still not a nice environment to live in but after this night i said i could not take anymore asked her to leave, she had moved into with her sister after another suicide attepmt and is blaming me saying i was not there when she needed me the most but this is not true i have been there for nearly 4 years (i couldnt write the amount of things i been though on a toilet roll)

I want her to be ok it just my head is now messed up with the emotional blackmail and i cant carry on living like that.....is it my fault? i just dont know anymore.....last night she was telling me about her dates lined up and how i didnt stand by her etc etc


Sorry i might not make sense i just need to get some if off my chest....

Thank you for reading/listen
Help,
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Old 07-17-2013, 07:30 AM
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Very High Drama Life, there.

Not good for you or anyone else.

jmho, likely a Mental Illness component mixed in.

Do you (yet) know much about Alcoholism, Borderline, and other Mental Health issues that often track together?
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Old 07-17-2013, 07:37 AM
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Not really apart from living and picking up on the patterns, I have done a little research in the past as i have tried to get her seek help before but as you can read above to no avail....

I just cant giver anymore chances and it really messing my head up, one minutes im getting loads of abuse then next she accusing me of not being there, then she loves me! like you said very high drama....
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Old 07-17-2013, 07:45 AM
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There was another thread that included a suicide attempt. I remarked that I stand by trying to help people, as I lost someone to suicide. However, the big difference is that the person I lost was not using suicide as a means of manipulation. Your xgf does.
Your xgf is very abusive to you. Men can be emotionally abused just as often as women. Accusations, threats, and constantly sending you abusive texts during the workday. And the extremely LOW act of calling you a cripple.
Take your power back!
Take it back!
She is horrible! She needs to be shown by you, that she no longer has power over you. You have to protect yourself, she is a mean predator. I would cut all ties to her. I would block her on email, phone, and the rest, until she went away and found herself someone else to pick on and bully.
You don't deserve this. Start sticking up for yourself and protecting yourself from such abuse! Get away from her permanently, you will have given yourself the biggest favor perhaps of your life.
I know it's hard. You so want to believe that she is going to come back and be all nice to you and stop abusing you.
She won't. She does sound like she has some mental disorder. That doesn't mean you take pity on her! It's self-induced!
This woman has a long road ahead of her to learn how to treat people. She will continue treating people like doormats until if the day ever comes that she has no such person who will put up with it. Very hard lesson, if ever. So don't be her punching bag, because she is always looking for one. Why you? Don't sacrifice yourself.
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Old 07-17-2013, 07:48 AM
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NONE of this is your fault, and you have every right to get out of the relationship if that is what you want to do. IMO, it's the best thing you could do, and I would run, not walk out the door.

You are absolutely helpless to fix this poor woman who like Hammer said, most likely is mentally ill as well as being an alcoholic. Save yourself!

I am so sorry you are going through this.
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Old 07-17-2013, 07:53 AM
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To start some self-education on one possible "Co-morbidity" -- a fancy term for Not-Just-An-Alcoholic . . . . this is one very helpful site >>>

Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners
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Old 07-17-2013, 07:57 AM
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thank you for the replies.

I suppose you get dragged down to there world so to speak and you need a good kick up the back side to realize it is not normal behavior.
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Old 07-17-2013, 08:01 AM
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It's not a kick up the backside you need, it's self-respect to kick in...it's that when someone has pulled you down and beaten on your self-esteem you can't see what they are doing to you. It was gradual and over the course of 4 years. She's hurt your self-respect immensely. It's a very effective thing to do by abusers.
If you get away from her in a year you will look back and see it much more clearly. You will be amazed you ever put up with it. You can't see it as clearly right now because you are still mentally in the thick of it.
That's why you have to save yourself by getting away from her.
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Old 07-17-2013, 08:04 AM
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Hey Mitch,
You have to live your own life, sounds like if she is in the hospital she "may" get some much needed help, but it is not your job to stick it out and go through that, of course you care, of course you want to help if your a decent human being, but truth is you can not truly do anything for anyone other then yourself. The messed part about a mental illness or addict is they can be so charming when they want to be and we want to believe them and keep trying, hard truth is until they make an honest change via therapy, medication and recovery from substances nothing will change long term.

I went through something similar, and we did split up for about 3 years, during that time she went through a few more rounds and was finally hospitalized, she was put on medication and after several months we resumed our relationship and had a really good 5-6 years until a few months ago when she returned to alcohol and occasionally other drugs, we went through some hard months but she finally saw she needed help, went to rehab and now has about 45 days clean and is herself again and now working very hard, going to meetings, making new friends, etc which is what should have happened last time except after all those years we both got complacent and the monster emerged. What gives me hope this go round is that she check herself in, and now she has the tools to stay clean where before we figured the medicine would just take care of it, that was a mistake on all of us. She now sees that while she may get away with a drink or two here or there that most likely at some point it will start the process again so she just has to not drink period and she is willing to do so, at least for now....

There are no guarantees, except if you do nothing for yourself it will never change my friend, I recommend doing what you need to do for you, maybe she will get help and maybe down the road it could resume, or maybe it just is what it is and new and better things are ahead of you, just my 2 cents.... best wishes my friend!!!!!!!
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Old 07-17-2013, 08:05 AM
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It is the frog in the hot water thing.

You know the story? Frogs can only sense difference in temperature, not so much just hot or cold.

So the story goes that if you toss a frog in pot of hot water, it would be aware it was hot and jump out.

BUT, if you place the frog in cool water and slowly turn the heat up, the frog does not notice the difference and slowly becomes "cooked" as the water turns to boiling.

You have been living the "cooked frog" experience.

Happens to a LOT of *us*

You understand, your experience is normal for what you have been through?

NOW the important part is figuring out how to get out of the hot water.

Jump, frog, jump.
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Old 07-17-2013, 03:28 PM
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It's normal to be left dazed and confused by the things we go through with Alcoholic's. But you've been given a gift. You are out of the relationship, so time to move gently forward and take your life back. There is nothing you can do for your GF, she is now in the hands of professionals. Let them do their work. The only control you have is over your own life. Take care of you. I would suggest you go completely No Contact with her, otherwise I can promise you'll hear from her when she tries to drag you through this again. Block email, text, phone, unfriend on FB, etc. Bring some peace and quiet to your world.
There's a peaceful future out there.....waiting for you. (((hugs)))
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Old 07-17-2013, 05:48 PM
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I'm glad that she is OK and is in the hands of professionals now. I hope you will take some time to take good care of yourself.
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Old 07-17-2013, 07:43 PM
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Just wanted to say I am sorry for what you are going through, and that here, you are among friends who understand. Take care of yourself, and keep reaching out.
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Old 07-17-2013, 07:50 PM
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Echoing spiderqueen - so sorry for what you have gone through. It's said a lot around here but, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Keep reaching out.
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Old 07-18-2013, 03:44 AM
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thank you for all your comments/advice
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