If you're not in the mood for enabling foolishness, don't read this.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 57
If you're not in the mood for enabling foolishness, don't read this.
I’ve never told anyone about the extent of my enabling and codepency. My family knows a tiny bit. I don’t have anyone to tell but you guys. I’m doing this to remind myself that THIS is exactly what this relationship is and to warn anyone who is early in a relationship like this. Just get out now, because it only gets worse.
I “helped” him with:
*House payment
*Car repair
*Truck repair
*Truck battery
*Spent way more time with him than I should have. I have a son and he was 14 when I met ABF. I am still struggling with guilt over time missed with him. ABF never asked to meet my son. I just eventually introduced them.
*Gave him some $ and dumped him. Why?? Because I didn’t want him to suffer and not be able to pay the bills. Truth.
*Broke up for 7 months.
*Paid when we went out. If we didn’t go to the bar he liked, he always had a comment when I planned the night.
*Paid his deposit and first months rent on his apartment. Why?? My alcoholic mother was living with me at the time and there was no room for him. SHE is a whole ‘nother story.
*Broke up again for 3 months.
*Wanted me back, and said he had been working and was doing better. I bought an investment property and we got back together. He helped me fix it up. He also moved into my house.
*He bought a truck with his earnings and didn’t go back to work. Says the guy never called him back. I don’t believe that.
*I paid for a new transmission. Truck still wasn’t right. He sold it for a profit. Didn’t give me any money back that I put into truck.
*He bought another gas guzzler and decided he would do courier work. Driving a 20 yr old conversion van. I gave him gas money, so his work cost me.
*Sold the property a year later and broke even.
*The van got stolen…I think. My cousin thinks he ditched it and claimed theft. At this point I don’t put it past him, because he called the insurance company right away. Dumdum took the cheap route and was only paying for liability.
*I bought him a truck for $1400. He complains about gas, but he chose it.
*Wanted to do “online marketing”. Had a $10 service fee coming out of my checking monthly. It took 7 months of me asking off and on to stop it. He finally did. In the meantime, his license got suspended because he wasn’t paying the minimum child support amount of…..$10.
*I invested in a small cleaning franchise $1,755. Why? Because I was desperate for him to work.
*I got a new credit card. He picked up the envelope and said “huh” as if saying “Oh that’s interesting”. He NEVER looks at bills.
*-Sunday, he asked me for $15 for gas. I gave him $20. I wanted to kick myself in the butt. Monday, I called him round 12:45. He had been drinking. I could hear it in his voice.
I thank God for that phone call, because I was about to tell him about another investment property I saw. I’m not buying anything.
****When I said that I’d like a new stove and washer, he said let’s wait until we move into our new house. I don't know where this new house was coming from. I keep thinking about that when the washer is dancing across the floor. Guess what y’all? I’m bout to buy ME a new washer and stove.
I haven’t kicked him out because I was worried that he would become homeless. Then I remembered he has friends who have a floor. I’m working on getting over this crazy fear of kicking him out. Please pray that I gather the strength to eventually end this relationship. I'm reading Codependent No More while he's at school.
I “helped” him with:
*House payment
*Car repair
*Truck repair
*Truck battery
*Spent way more time with him than I should have. I have a son and he was 14 when I met ABF. I am still struggling with guilt over time missed with him. ABF never asked to meet my son. I just eventually introduced them.
*Gave him some $ and dumped him. Why?? Because I didn’t want him to suffer and not be able to pay the bills. Truth.
*Broke up for 7 months.
*Paid when we went out. If we didn’t go to the bar he liked, he always had a comment when I planned the night.
*Paid his deposit and first months rent on his apartment. Why?? My alcoholic mother was living with me at the time and there was no room for him. SHE is a whole ‘nother story.
*Broke up again for 3 months.
*Wanted me back, and said he had been working and was doing better. I bought an investment property and we got back together. He helped me fix it up. He also moved into my house.
*He bought a truck with his earnings and didn’t go back to work. Says the guy never called him back. I don’t believe that.
*I paid for a new transmission. Truck still wasn’t right. He sold it for a profit. Didn’t give me any money back that I put into truck.
*He bought another gas guzzler and decided he would do courier work. Driving a 20 yr old conversion van. I gave him gas money, so his work cost me.
*Sold the property a year later and broke even.
*The van got stolen…I think. My cousin thinks he ditched it and claimed theft. At this point I don’t put it past him, because he called the insurance company right away. Dumdum took the cheap route and was only paying for liability.
*I bought him a truck for $1400. He complains about gas, but he chose it.
*Wanted to do “online marketing”. Had a $10 service fee coming out of my checking monthly. It took 7 months of me asking off and on to stop it. He finally did. In the meantime, his license got suspended because he wasn’t paying the minimum child support amount of…..$10.
*I invested in a small cleaning franchise $1,755. Why? Because I was desperate for him to work.
*I got a new credit card. He picked up the envelope and said “huh” as if saying “Oh that’s interesting”. He NEVER looks at bills.
*-Sunday, he asked me for $15 for gas. I gave him $20. I wanted to kick myself in the butt. Monday, I called him round 12:45. He had been drinking. I could hear it in his voice.
I thank God for that phone call, because I was about to tell him about another investment property I saw. I’m not buying anything.
****When I said that I’d like a new stove and washer, he said let’s wait until we move into our new house. I don't know where this new house was coming from. I keep thinking about that when the washer is dancing across the floor. Guess what y’all? I’m bout to buy ME a new washer and stove.
I haven’t kicked him out because I was worried that he would become homeless. Then I remembered he has friends who have a floor. I’m working on getting over this crazy fear of kicking him out. Please pray that I gather the strength to eventually end this relationship. I'm reading Codependent No More while he's at school.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I get it, I really do. Mine was my ex, he was employed and earned more then me, BUT , I bailed him out of jail after he physically assaulted me. I do hope you have the strength, I would hate to see you go through anymore of this.
I'm glad that you wrote all of this down, because sometimes your head gets cloudy, you go into a FOG, (fear, obligation, guilt) and you forget all these things.
I'm here for you.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
I'm glad that you wrote all of this down, because sometimes your head gets cloudy, you go into a FOG, (fear, obligation, guilt) and you forget all these things.
I'm here for you.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
I imagine it was both anxiety provoking as well as a feeling of relief to list all of those things, and share them with others. You have given yourself a perfect list to look at whenever you are feeling weak. You can post here and be reminded that you have the strength and the smarts to recognize these things, and that can help you stick to your resolve.
Good for you that you see this for what it is.
You can do it!
Good for you that you see this for what it is.
You can do it!
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
I gave away $8,000.00 to a bum of a boyfriend. I,ll never see that money again.
Anyways my question to you is so what if he ends up homeless after you kick him out? Not your problem anymore and never was to begin with.
He,s an adult,he,ll only have himself to blame.
Anyways my question to you is so what if he ends up homeless after you kick him out? Not your problem anymore and never was to begin with.
He,s an adult,he,ll only have himself to blame.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Originally Posted by rry1177 
I haven’t kicked him out because I was worried that he would become homeless. Then I remembered he has friends who have a floor.
.
You are on your way! You want to kick him out, and you are working toward kicking him out. You will get there!! It's a process that takes time. Be gentle with yourself.
Thank you for sharing the list. I agree with Onawa, it was really good you got all of that out.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
As you can see, we ALL did stuff like that. I won't even go into all the things I did, it would just be a repetition of what everyone else has done.
Homelessness isn't the end of the world. I know people who literally lived in a cardboard box for a while, till they finally decided to get sober.
When I kicked out the last guy I was living with, after nursing him through cancer and then a heart attack/bypass surgery, he whined, "I don't have anyplace to go!" I said, "Not my problem." Guess what, he found a cheap motel room and then a cheap apartment. He survived. He wasn't an alcoholic, but had other issues. I had already told him to find another place to live, but he hadn't lifted a finger to do anything about it.
Homelessness isn't the end of the world. I know people who literally lived in a cardboard box for a while, till they finally decided to get sober.
When I kicked out the last guy I was living with, after nursing him through cancer and then a heart attack/bypass surgery, he whined, "I don't have anyplace to go!" I said, "Not my problem." Guess what, he found a cheap motel room and then a cheap apartment. He survived. He wasn't an alcoholic, but had other issues. I had already told him to find another place to live, but he hadn't lifted a finger to do anything about it.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Oh, I've found that active addict and alcoholic adults are far more resourceful that we give them credit for...this is a cunning disease.
My stepson has been homeless, lived with other people, lived in storage closets at work. He somehow manages to find some place to lay his head at night--may not be glamorous or very comfortable--but still.
I would be careful about the tenancy laws in your state, though. In my state, Mr. HG had to give his son 30 days in writing before booting him out the door. He probably could have just asked him to leave, but if the police needed to be involved in getting him to go, a copy of the 30-day notice in writing would have to have been filed with the local magistrate.
"Jr" never lifted a finger to find anyplace to live during that whole time either but managed to always work something out.
My stepson has been homeless, lived with other people, lived in storage closets at work. He somehow manages to find some place to lay his head at night--may not be glamorous or very comfortable--but still.
I would be careful about the tenancy laws in your state, though. In my state, Mr. HG had to give his son 30 days in writing before booting him out the door. He probably could have just asked him to leave, but if the police needed to be involved in getting him to go, a copy of the 30-day notice in writing would have to have been filed with the local magistrate.
"Jr" never lifted a finger to find anyplace to live during that whole time either but managed to always work something out.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I am glad you are seeing and understanding your codependent ways that’s half the battle to becoming healthy.
I think when the pain of having him sponge off of you grows more then your fear of kicking him out……you will do what is best for you.
Alcoholics are extremely resilient, he found you didn’t he? I don’t mean that in a mean way but looking at it logically he gravitated toward someone who stepped in as HIS CARE GIVER. He doesn’t have a care or worry in the world because he doesn’t have to. You have provided all he needs and then some.
With codies that’s the hook…..feeling sorry for them…..it keeps us stuck and them sitting on a throne.
I think when the pain of having him sponge off of you grows more then your fear of kicking him out……you will do what is best for you.
Alcoholics are extremely resilient, he found you didn’t he? I don’t mean that in a mean way but looking at it logically he gravitated toward someone who stepped in as HIS CARE GIVER. He doesn’t have a care or worry in the world because he doesn’t have to. You have provided all he needs and then some.
With codies that’s the hook…..feeling sorry for them…..it keeps us stuck and them sitting on a throne.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
wow, that is a lot of $$$ you have extended to him, it could have been used to finance so many worthwhile things, education for your child, a new car for YOU, a vacation for YOU.
Have you actually done the math to see it in print?
Have you actually done the math to see it in print?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Hello....
Thank you for sharing with us...
That took a lot of strength and courage....
Btw, you can add me to the list of people who placed money on "bad investments"
I left my ex almost 5 years ago and I am STILL recuperating financially...
But, you know what?
It's only money and from what I read, you seem to have no problems earning it, so once you finally cut this guy lose, you (and rightfully so....) can enjoy all your hard work....
I'm really glad to see that are attempting to break the cycle....
You will be better off in the long run.....
I promise!
Best wishes,
Linda
Thank you for sharing with us...
That took a lot of strength and courage....
Btw, you can add me to the list of people who placed money on "bad investments"
I left my ex almost 5 years ago and I am STILL recuperating financially...
But, you know what?
It's only money and from what I read, you seem to have no problems earning it, so once you finally cut this guy lose, you (and rightfully so....) can enjoy all your hard work....
I'm really glad to see that are attempting to break the cycle....
You will be better off in the long run.....
I promise!
Best wishes,
Linda
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Redding, CA
Posts: 216
I totally understand. My daughter and 3 kids moved in 7 weeks ago after losing her job and apt, of course I swooped in to save her. Yesterday she had a cal works class so she can get aid, well she showed up back home drunk. We agreed that if she drank she would move out and leave kids now she don't want to leave kids. I cant put them all out. Will I ever be strong.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
I am glad you told us....you are doing well....It always helped me to talk with a recovering person F2F or by phone helps break the isolation that living with an addict creates.
proud and pulling for you.
proud and pulling for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I thank God for that phone call, because I was about to tell him about another investment property I saw. I’m not buying anything.
to remind you of what is really going on. You are coming out of denial!
*****!
I’ve never told anyone about the extent of my enabling and codependency. My family knows a tiny bit. I don’t have anyone to tell but you guys. I’m doing this to remind myself that THIS is exactly what this relationship is and to warn anyone who is early in a relationship like this. Just get out now, because it only gets worse.
You have put all your stuff out there, so those who can get the message will get the message.
You are working so hard on your codependency.
Being honest with yourself is hard, but you did it.
Now, there is no going back, once you see it all, and have been true to yourself,
what is left is the healing.
You are amazing, thank you for sharing your honest, heart-felt and hurtful truth.
I am getting the message as it applies to me, and yeah, get out now.
The longer anyone waits, the harder it gets to let go, and then actually go.
I haven’t kicked him out because I was worried that he would become homeless. Then I remembered he has friends who have a floor. I’m working on getting over this crazy fear of kicking him out. Please pray that I gather the strength to eventually end this relationship. I'm reading Codependent No More while he's at school.
a grown man. You are doing great.
Of course I will be sending my thoughts of strength and power to you.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
I can't even begin to tell you how familiar this all sounds.
All I can say is: You Go Girl! Send him packing so you can continue on with your "Happily Ever After".
Be brave and do what's right for you for a change.
All I can say is: You Go Girl! Send him packing so you can continue on with your "Happily Ever After".
Be brave and do what's right for you for a change.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Pa
Posts: 21
Sounds like you putting that in print is letting you see the light, maybe sleeping on a friends floor is just what he needs to finally get it??? Even if that doesn't work at least you will be on to bigger better things WO his drama in your life!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
