amy55

I'll start first. I hate all holidays. They were all ruined. I hate the phone, I was expected to answer it at all times since it is portable, but he never answered his.

I freak out when someone asks me what I want to do. That was always a trick question. There was always a fight, or should I say an attack, I didn't answer the right way.

Sex---- I was always wrong there also. If I did, he would disappear for days, because he said I didn't enjoy it. If I didn't was accused of everything he could think of.

Asking to do something --- well I was an idiot, why would I want to do that? This was after giving him a list of all the things he liked to do.

Getting upset ---- Well that just makes them mad
Having an opinion ---- Well that just makes them mad
Trying to talk to them ---- Well that just makes them mad

Anyone else want to have a go at this?

amy55

How about grinding your teeth at night till you have a dental problem

losing weight because as soon as they come home you are physically ill and can't eat and just want to vomit, and do

knowing 2 hours ahead of time that they will not be home, even without them telling you, you just know it, you can feel it

just to take a look in their eyes, and know that there will be a really big fight, and you run for cover in the garage, but you are still there, and they follow you and follow you, till they corner you.

I could go on and on, about how mine developed but what I need to say is to get out before it gets that bad,

because, with PTSD, you go into fight or flight, and I did both.

transformyself

Oh yeah.

What are you doing to treat it?

I know for me, it's taken a long time to understand fully the nature of triggers, and how to both prevent them and get them under control once they are blown to high heaven. I run much less frantic and angry now than I ever have. Spun in chaos for decades, but now I am able to focus on myself and love myself and remember when things escalate that its' really only a trigger. And the most important thing is getting it down.

For one, I learned to identify when I'm obsessing. That in and of itself can trigger me.

amy55

For me, I had to get away from the situation. I spent years and years researching things to make my marriage work. He stood in the way of everything. I had to give up, but along the way, I made myself crazy. I became suicidal, even had fantasy dreams of killing him repeatedly, but I never let him die in those dreams, because I wanted to keep doing it over and over.

I left, went to a psychiatrist, was on klonipin, and seraquil for a year and a half. I had already done enough research to know what I had to do for me, it's just really hard to do that. So, I don't shake everyday now, not walking on eggshells everyday, but I still get those triggers that bring me right back there.

I don't react to the triggers, but there are so many of them. Just washing a floor brings back memories and triggers. You know, the old ---- you love the floor more then me thing. So, my floors don't get washed as much as they should. I am getting better though, but I had to get away.

Edited this to add more.------- Sure there were times that I thought I learned how to handle something, how to detach from it, but then it would just escalate. He would take it to a new level. Had to relearn how to detach from that one, and then the next one. They always escalated.

DreamsofSerenity

I am not sure this is PTSD but whenever things are peaceful and going well in my life, I get very anxious, and feel like I need to brace myself for what's to come.

Amy, you poor thing!! Are there ways to treat it?

amy55

You know Dreams, the times that my anxiety was through the roof, was when everything was peaceful, because I was waiting for the next one to come.

Sometimes I even pushed it and asked him if something was bothering him, so that it would come now, instead of later. I was actually calmer with the storm, then waiting for the storm.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

Ways to treat this? in the situation, idk. I used to joke all the time and say that I could take all the anti-depressants in the world, and all the anxiety pills there are, and that it will still not make him any nicer. My treatment was to get out, and not listen to that bull anymore.

Diva76

Oh dear....
I can definitely share on this one...
Let me catch some zzzz right now and I will respond in detail tomorrow...

Stay well,

Linda

Brokentapestry

Yeah, I've been diagnosed with PTSD from the events is the past six months. And yes,the only long term cure is probably to remove myself from the situation. I'm under the care of a whole bunch of wonderful professionals, but was told that no amount of medications will make this situation tolerable. I hate the phone ringing...he'll be in the hospital again, or dead. I hate trying to talk to normal people, because I'm so far from normal that I no longer know how. I'm a wreck. Woo-hoo for PTSD.

Boon44

Yes, I can relate...in many more ways than one. Smells, music, certain places, etc...can set me off. My therapist likens my relationship to that of being in a "war zone" which is why I can get so triggered at times. Just know you are not alone and this is a good place to vent and get perspectives from others who've been through something similar.

lillamy

My T has spoken about the PTSD of survivors of abuse in terms of the PTSD suffered by active duty military (she counsels both) - not to compare grade of trauma but she says the effects are very similar.

I actually think anger has helped me a lot. I'm so angry about living in fear of this man for so long, and that anger gives me courage to do things I'm uncomfortable with because I'm afraid they're going to be triggering. I really have worked hard at taking back my life, taking back all aspects of it, and I fight anxiety with a combination of drill sergeanting myself ("You're afraid of going there because there's a slim risk he might be there? Well f*** that s**t! HE is the one who should be afraid of running into YOU, that sorry a******e SOB!") and low doses of Xanax when it gets out of control.

For me, identifying the triggers is one important thing. Recognizing the physical symptoms of an upcoming anxiety attack or flashback has also been important - it makes me feel like I have power over my reactions rather than like a victim.

I've practiced bringing myself back to the present with different techniques, and then telling myself, "at this moment, you are safe. At this moment, your children are safe."

It's hard work. I'm pissed that I have to do it. But I'm so angry at the idea of letting him put limits on my life that the anger drives me.

I don't know if that makes sense. But to me, it's... He manipulated me and ran my life with fear and threats when I was married to him. I'll be damned if I'm gonna let him continue doing that after I divorced him.

DreamsofSerenity

(((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))) back!

Thanks, Amy, that is so kind of you.

I think I know what you mean about being calmer WITH the storm than waiting for it.

The other night I was home with my kids. All was very well and peaceful. I was looking lovingly at my kids and then that anxious feeling came, like everything that was so wonderful in my life could be suddenly ripped away from me. I noticed a mole on one of my kids and immediately started obsessing that it was a melanoma. I know it is not a melanoma because it has been looked at before-- twice. But sometimes my mind just has to grab onto potential chaos and crisis. And if there is nothing there, I create it.

I

HopefulinFLA

Why is this?!?! This happens to me too. I start to get anxious and nauseous, and sure enough, here comes another all nighter!

My AH isn't emotionally abusive the way you all have described, but he does other things that put me on edge. One night I realize he's no longer in the house so I went looking for him and found him laying in our swale at the very edge by the road "Just looking at the stars." is what he tells me. Anyone driving down the road not paying attention would have run him over, and I'd have to deal with the after math! Thanks!

I feel the same way! He either wants to sit home and not participate, or finds ways to sneak out and get trashed. You'd think on Christmas Eve I might at least get an invitation to join him for a drink. Not that I drink much anymore anyway. He even ruins my birthdays and our anniversaries too.

It make me so angry that we are all dealing with this ridiculous crap they put us through.

Hang in there Amy. Keep posting, we want to hear from you!

Seren

As you can see by the responses....probably many people here have PTSD from an abusive relationship be it with a husband/wife, bf/gf, parent/child. It's one of the things that makes me the most sad about alcoholism and addiction--that it sometimes goes hand in hand with abuse (mental, verbal, physical, etc.).

Many hugs and prayers for healing!!!

LexieCat

And I'd also note that even those without PTSD can still experience lesser degrees of anxiety when reminded of certain things. I wouldn't begin to compare my own reaction to those who actually suffer with PTSD, but I know if I hear there has been an attempt to contact me, or if I see someone who looks like my second husband, my bp goes up for a few minutes, heart races, etc. It passes in a few minutes but still very disconcerting!

DreamsofSerenity

I'm not sure I have PTSD--I need to read more about it--but my anxiety definitely got significantly worse during the time I was with an alcoholic. I've always had some, but it got to the point when I was with him where I am now actually literally crazy about certain things.

I developed a really strong fear--a phobia really--of doctors who I genuinely feel in the moment I am with them, are trying to kill me. I told my GP this the last time I was there, she looked at me like I was nuts, and gave me a bunch of xanax. (I try not to take them but will take a half of a white one very occasionally if I am in the middle of some kind of anxiety attack and can't calm myself down.)

I'm not sure this has anything to do with having had an alcoholic partner, unless it is displaced anxiety from the abuse with him. I know a lot of my fear is rooted in being terrified of a lack of control.

amy55

Complex post traumatic stress disorder (complex ptsd, pdsd, shell shock, nervous shock, combat fatigue), symptoms and the difference between mental illness and psychiatric injury explained


Don't know if this link works, since I really don't know how to post links, but this was an excellent article describing complex PTSD.

amy55

They are war zones !!!!!! It's like walking through a minefield afraid to move because you will step on that mine, but you need to move, and you know it's going to happen sooner or later. You try to stay out of the drunks way, but they are just waiting for you. It's like living with the enemy, IMO.

amy55

[QUOTE=DreamsofSerenity;


The other night I was home with my kids. All was very well and peaceful. I was looking lovingly at my kids and then that anxious feeling came, like everything that was so wonderful in my life could be suddenly ripped away from me. I noticed a mole on one of my kids and immediately started obsessing that it was a melanoma. I know it is not a melanoma because it has been looked at before-- twice. But sometimes my mind just has to grab onto potential chaos and crisis. And if there is nothing there, I create it.

I[/QUOTE]

I think I get like this also. I was so use to the drama and the chaos, that even when there is none, I am still hypervigilant, on high alert all the time. I don't know if I can be calm, without my mind working overtime.

firebolt

Yeah - I doubt I have clinical PTSD, but I know that I had my first panic attack during our relationship - and I feel more anxious / worried / sad than I ever have.

amy55

((((((((((((((((hugs firebolt)))))))))))))))))). I think that is how PTSD does start though. The anxiety, the depression, trying to figure things out, doing research, and more research. Trying to change yourself into what they want. When thats not what they want at all. They want the bottle and for you to shut up about it.

I do wish I came here way back when. Wish I knew the 3 C's back then. Wish I knew you just can't talk to "crazy". Can't reason with "crazy". That if you try, you can just make yourself "crazy".

Firebolt, I am so sorry to hear of your situation. You'll make it through this. You are a survivor, and you are in just the right place (SR) for your healing to begin.