spiderqueen

In a normal relationship, that would be great, right? Healing, forgiveness, moving on, etc. But what if it's from your A, who doesn't actually remember saying/doing the awful things he's apologizing for? Is it basically just quacking?

ABF emerged after 3 days of silence, totally baffled as to what happened. Then the apologies started. I honestly don't know how to respond. Or what to do next. I am so tired. I guess it's time for "don't contact me until you've been sober at least one year, and working a strong recovery program." Can't. Make. Myself. Do. It.

Feel sad and weak today. Any/all support welcome. Thanks guys.

Hammer

Whatever and wherever you want -- just do it one day.

You do not have to do for a year.

Just one day.

One day at a time is a great place to strat.

LexieCat

Those regrets and apologies are probably sincere, but the problem with them is that they don't CHANGE anything. He doesn't remember what he did, and even if he did remember, he's not going to be able to make sure it doesn't happen again. It takes recovery to have even a shot at any real change. I predict this same scenario will play out over and over and over unless you step AWAY from the game.

firebolt

I'm so sorry. I don't get the apologies...I think that makes it easier.

Yeah - I agree with lexie - he's probably sincere, but it doesn't change a damn thing.

(((Hugs)))

Tuffgirl

Why can't you make yourself do it? And that is rhetorical and meant as food for thought.

For me, it was fear. Especially fear that this was my last "ship in my harbor" and if I didn't take it - there would not be another chance for a family. What I learned is that although having any more children is slim at my age, I already have a little family of three (me and my two daughters) and someday will have grandchildren and someday will have another relationship so the fear was preventing me from moving on into an even better life. So really, the fear was fear of the unknown.

Funny thing is - I am way more happier now, one year out of that mess of an alcoholic fueled marriage.

Hammer

Yeah, no apologies around here, EVER, either.

Had not thought about that keeping things clean and simple.

Advice I got from Mrs. Hammer's dad a little late in the game --

"She rarely says Thank You, and never says, Sorry."

True dat, daddyoh!

AnvilheadII

it very much mimics the Cycle of Abuse - and indeed possibly IS if he really DOES remember and just uses being drunk as an excuse. similar pattern either way:


Each stage of the cycle can last from a few minutes to a number of months, but within an abusive relationship, the following stages can often be pin-pointed:

TENSION BUILDING -

Tension starts and steadily builds
Abuser starts to get angry
Communication breaks down
Victim feels the need to concede to the abuser
Tension becomes too much
Victim feels uneasy and a need to watch every move

INCIDENT or "Acting Out" phase

Any type of abuse occurs
Physical
Sexual
Emotional
Or other forms of abuse as found in the power and control wheel.

HONEYMOON or Reconciliation phase

Abuser apologizes for abuse, some beg forgiveness or show sorrows
Abuser may promise it will never happen again
Blames victim for provoking the abuse or denies abuse occurred
Minimizing, denying or claiming the abuse wasn't as bad as victim claims

CALM before the tension starts again.

Abuses slow or stop
Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
Promises made during honeymoon stage may be met
Abuser may give gifts to victim
Victim believes or wants to believe the abuse is over or the abuser will change
(Often the cycle of violence is portrayed as 3 steps: tension, acting out and honeymoon phases, where the Honeymoon and Calm phase are seen as one.)

wicked

Very well put Tuffgirl, exactly my experience too.

Here is a big cyber hug ********{spiderqueen}}}}}
Yes, as a former black out drunk, I can assure you I was sorry and ashamed,
but until something changed, I kept doing it.
If he has no idea what he did, how could he give a reasoned or understandable apology?
Yes, I think that is in the category of quackery.

You will get stronger.
What can you do for yourself to feel good?
Something special.

Thinking of you and sending you strength
Beth

spiderqueen

ya know, I'm not sure about this, for me anyway. I think the weepy apology is part of what keeps me hooked. Someone else said we are hoping to be healed by the person who hurt us. Sometimes childhood abuse is re-playing itself, but this time with a tearful, sincere apology. (yes, in my case.) I might not be stuck if he showed no remorse.

Except, oops. Then the whole cycle just starts again, and I'm locked in the misery. The fact that I hold the key to unlock it is still sinking in...

You guys are amazing, by the way. I am so happy I found you.

spiderqueen

Yes, Tuffgirl, it is fear. Fear that I will never feel this close to someone again. What I have to get real about is that this closeness is risky and unhealthy when he's drinking, and so far there is no consistent change in that pattern.