qbert

I'll sum this up as short as I can. Married 20 yrs almost all of them emotional and verbal abuse and a husband who drank booze and got angry all the time. I left him, returned in 3 months (I know, dumb), he had not had (so he says) a drink of booze for over a year and now over the last couple of months he's becoming angry again. I noticed last weekend he drank a different kind of drink (with booze) and he turned into a complete arse. I told him last night "remember our agreement when I returned, no booze" and he lashed out at me and got so mad because I called him on it. Then called me "miss perfect" and "hall monitor" like I was monitoring his every move (which I was not) - he is fine with beer - always has been but it's the booze that gets him this way. I truly think he's an alcoholic. Then he says "well, I guess I'll just have to start drinking behind your back so you can't harp on me". I told him if you're giong to continue to drink booze, then you're going to drink alone. I don't know what to do - he's being distant today, hasn't even texted or called me. I'm so upset that he's acting like this when all I want him to do is save our marriage and our family and stop drinking the booze. Just had to vent - thanks. Any advice?

firebolt

Ugg I'm in the same spot with a partner that won't give up booze to save us.

It is so painful and defeating. I don't have an words of wisdom, except to repeat what people here have told me - "Take care of yourself! Do things that make YOU happy for a change."

Everyone here understands - keep posting - it helps!

AnvilheadII

when all I want him to do is save our marriage and our family and stop drinking the booze.

well, that IS Kind of a tall order! just fix everything, make it all ok and hurry up dammit!

if alcoholics COULD give up the booze with ease, they would. i am not defending them....there's a great article posted here earlier today worthy of a read about the Alcoholic Mind. it's not normal...no addict brain is normal....it's warped and twisted and physical and chemically altered. and the body has become dependent upon the booze (or drugs...).

he did just enough to get you to shut your yap, come back home and then he could go back to doing exactly what he wanted. WITH MINIMAL EFFORT.
what YOU are asking above takes MONUMENTAL EFFORT.
ok, hon, would you mind moving Mt Everest to the left just a smidge? no, a smidge more. and then maybe dust some of the snow off the top? thanks.

Spinner-007

Advice?

Realize that YOU can't do anything to help him change his mind or habit about this, much less anything else.

Tons of good stuff in this forum site that'll testify to that.

Realize that YOU can't save your marriage if he doesn't want to participate in the effort, which starts with giving up booze.

You're pushing that rock alone otherwise.

Realize that YOU CAN save yourself by realizing the first two facts, and get on with doing the stuff thats for you, and your children if you have any.

Based on his behaviors that you described, he is an alcoholic, and he's guilt throwing like a pro. My AW is one of the best, so I think I'm qualified to know.

And don't get caught up in the details or subtle differences that'll distract you from his alcoholism. He's an alcoholic and chooses his drug of choice over you, the kids, and everything else in his life.

I saw this here, and I think it's fitting for all of us with addicted spouses:

When the pain of staying becomes more painful than leaving, than its time to pack their, or your, bags.

I'm sorry for the lack of soft touch on this, as I'm advising myself as much as anyone else.

My prayers are for you both.

LexieCat

Yup, that's all. Just a small miracle--and it IS a miracle every time an alcoholic recovers. I thank my HP every day for the miracle that allows my biggest problems to be what to do with an unwanted pool table, and dealing with my cracked foundation. Seriously, biggest problems I have at the moment. What you might call "first world problems."

qbert (lol, my kids played qbert CONSTANTLY when they were little), I've been sober almost five years, and I hid my drinking even when I was living alone! ALL alcoholics do that. I hope you will get into recovery, yourself, decide what you are willing to tolerate, and proceed from there. Because right now it doesn't sound like he has the slightest interest in giving up alcohol.

Ripper

I`m sorry to hear your story....My AH has been drinking behind my back forever, I think, since he hides it, I really don`t know until I see the result or find a bottle....I sometimes thought, if he loved me and the kids enough, he`d stop; I know now that''s crazy talk....set your boundaries, find your limits and stick to them, and oh, come here for a little support. It`s only been 24 hours for me since I signed up, and already I feel less alone! Take care

dandylion

qbert, it sounds like you left once and returned on the understanding that there would be no more drinking? Well, he IS drinking---are you going to enforce that boundry?

When we make boundaries and don't enforce them---it teaches that our words mean nothing. Alcoholics seem to respond to actions rather than words. In any case, the boundary is for YOU--not to teach them a lesson or to punish them or to get them to change.

Anything that gets between the alcoholic and m akes it difficult or impossible for them to drink will become the enemy. It will incite anger, scarasm, blame-shifting, projection, all manner of abusive and hurtful behaviors. Do not expect a pleasant reaction to enforcing your own boundarys. ***Never confront if there is a reason to anticipate that they will become violent****It is best to leave the relationship if that is the case.

dandylion

Tuffgirl

I used to say I wish my XAH would choose me instead of alcohol. It finally dawned on me that the choice had nothing to do with me at all. He wasn't NOT choosing me; he had already chosen me. He just wasn't doing what I wanted him to do; he was doing what he wanted to do.

I think the only place choice fits in here these days is the choice to finally surrender to their powerlessness over the substance itself. JMHO.

alphonsebuck

Appreciate your post and have been struggling with a boundary we agreed upon as a family( my alcoholic wife sort of) 3 years ago of a "dry House" when she came back from rehab. It is clear to the near adult children 16 and 20 and myself that she has been hiding hard liquor in her ice tea and we have have confronted her to no avail. Enforcement would further alienate our relationships by " patrolling and confiscating when we have accepted that we can't make her chose to stop. She is never mean but "fades away " and is distant in the evenings when she usually drinks. She provides some support to the girls through advice and providing meals etc. earlier in the evening but it is taking a toll on all of us. our marriage is a shell of a superficial relationship. i have been reluctant to give an ultimatum because on balance her functionality is better then her disruption. Should we stop the facade of a "dry House" if we are not willing to ask her to leave giving up all pretense that we have a boundary?

honeypig

Hi, alphonse--glad you found us here at SR. I just wanted to point out that you're posting to an old thread, one that hasn't seen activity in over 3 years, and thus you may not get a lot of responses.

Starting a new thread will allow folks here to see that we have a new member and to focus on how best we can support you.

Again, welcome, and I hope you keep on reading and posting.