KittyH

~~~ Things are getting worse..... (before they get better ??)

I have come here because of how out of control my life is.....

I am friendly, I am very forthcoming....... but I dont know how to stress that I am at the point where, things are about to get REALLY ugly in my fight.

I need HELP................. Let me say that again, I NEED HELP !!!!

I am very capable of putting on a great front. I have done it as long as I have been alive. I am not trying to fool anyone but I have become an expert at holding it together............. until I dont.

My youngest is leaving me for College soon and I am falling apart at the seams. I cant stand the thought that I am about to live my life 24/7 with no one to take care of.......... Hell I am not sure that she was not the one taking care of me towards the end.

I just dont know how to be THIS incarnation of myself. I hate it so much. It absolutely feels like there is no other reason for me to be here.............. I am sick of the whole facade. I have been for some time now. I wish I was strong enough, or worthy of just sitting here on the planet taking up space. But I am really at my end. I cant get better. I dont want to just stagnate ...... Hell, I am who I am I guess. I just found a place that offered up an alternative. If I was.......... If I were,.............. if if if if if if if if....... Blah

misterritter

I don't know that I can do anything but say I hear you and feel for you.

Please keep posting and reading here and most importantly don't stop trying.

Lyoness

Hi Kitty, hang in there. You are at a really challenging place right now, a crossroads, where you know you don't want what has been anymore but you have nothing new or different to take the place of the old ways. It is a tough place to be in but it is also the door to your freedom. You just have to keep breathing, keep remembering what is important, and keep doing what you are doing which is asking for help.

I've lived my whole life with a facade too which became my reality. It's hard when we take off the mask because we don't always know who is there underneath. It is uncomfortable but necessary if we want to grow.

Do you have any other support right now? This might be a really good time to find a counselor to help you work on all the challenges you are facing. Maybe time for a health workup with your doctor, too? Maybe find out if you are suffering from depression, too? I know for me my mask and my using in past times were because of major depression.

Take care.

Nuudawn

whoa whoa whoa ...sister...breathe..
None of us know how to be this new incarnation of ourselves..not us newbies anyways. You're in really good company. The whole "I'm in control" facade don't work anymore...for any of us...cuz we are sooo NOT. Openness and vulnerability is where sobriety happens...admitting some sort of defeat and surrender. I think this might be the crack in the shell you need....open the space and let sobriety in ...let us in.

Avra

Hi Kitty, I am sorry you are going through such a rough time. I know what its like to want to change but to struggle with making that happen.

Please hang in there and continue posting and reading. As Lyoness suggests, you need support. Whatever you do dont give up. Theres going to be rough times and some easier times on your journey but your life is worth fighting for.

Tommorow is a new day.

Mizzuno

You can do this. The most important thing right now is being here in the moment. Please just take it one step at a time. You are alright. Keep posting and reading. We are here for you.

Dee74

Hey Kitty
sometimes we can really 'embiggen' the task ahead of us and make it a mountain.

what about finding some real life support in your town - AA or something like that?
it might be a first stop anyway?

D

least

to the family! You can do this!

DisplacedGRITS

hey Kitty! look, the biggest person i ever fooled when i was drinking was myself. i thought it was important for me to put up a strong front for the people around me and when i did that, i was also putting that front up for myself. if only i could hold it all together! if only i could manage my life on my terms! if i could fit all the pieces of the puzzle together, it would all be okay. the problem i have is that trying to fit those pieces together just so is impossible. it's like giving a four year old a 2000 piece jigsaw puzzle and taking away the top of the box. i had to let go of a lot of preconceptions i had. like the idea that i could do this alone or the idea that i had to be perfect in everything i did. because if i was perfect, i was okay, right? so very wrong!

just because you run your car into a ditch doesn't mean that you have to pull it out all on your own. you've come here so you're starting to learn that you have to seek out other sober alcoholics for your recovery. perhaps you could look into AA? it's been a great help to me. i gather around other people who have found the solution and they help pull me up. i even get to help pull other people up as well. just remember that when you're "holding it together" on the outside, the person you're really lying to is yourself. be true to yourself. admit your shortcomings and seek help to understand how to deal with them. that doesn't always mean fixing everything right away. heck, there are some things that can't be fixed and that's okay. the one thing you can do is be a recovering alcoholic living a sober life. it is possible but the first step you have to take is to be totally honest with yourself and let that honesty into the rest of your life. your life has become unmanageable and you are powerless over alcohol. can you not just acknowledge that but admit it? give up fighting for absolute control over your life. there are people out there who can help you but it's not going to do a darn bit of good unless you are honest.

LDT

Kitty, the "incarnation" happens when you quit drinking and enter some kind of recovery program. It's like the story of the 'Velveteen Rabbit'.... becoming real because of love. Only in recovery, you become real because of self love.