Ripper

I found this site a few months ago, and read through a lot of postings and just today, I got the nerve to sign up. My spouse of 16 years is an alcoholic, but he still refuses to admit more than drinking a little more than the "common folk". What has made this so hard to admit to myself, is that he has never been abusive or mean, has not missed a day of work, doesn't go on binges for days on end, even tells me he loves me every day...but he hides alcohol, and lies about it....and has been doing so for at least 13 years. That's why I'm here.

theseithakas

Hi Ripper! Glad you're here and taking some steps to take care of yourself. It must be incredibly difficult to be living with a spouse who is an active alcoholic and still seemingly very much in denial. I'm sure others will be along shortly to welcome you.

Wishful133

Welcome! My DH has been an active alcoholic for 10 years (we've been married for 18) and in recovery since May. I hope you are able to find some help and support here, I know I have!

Ripper

Thanks, I still sometimes think :Maybe I`m just asking too much? Maybe it`s not that bad? So what if he hides alcohol? he`s a good dad, he works, he`s intelligent and educated...I know, I`m in denial too...I`m sounding crazy, sometimes I think I am.

Rosiepetal

Welcome to SR.
I guess the thing to remember is that alcoholism is progressive so he will get worse.
Try to educate yourself as much as you can.
Lots of support here on SR for you.

ZenMe

Welcome! It's bad enough that you posted. My x is also highly functional but that doesn't mean I wasn't in a bad relationship. Also high functioning is just a stage of alcoholism, it does get worse =\.

One thing that may help is the sticky called "what abuse is".

bigbasscat

Welcome ripper, I hope you find this site as much of a help as I have.

If your husband is hiding his alcohol and his drinking, he qualifies as an alcoholic regardless of any rationalization he's asserting.

How exactly you cope with the situation is up to you, but your job in this should be making choices that benefit you and your physical and emotional health.

firebolt

I have the same kind of guy. Goes to work, pays the bills, acts like he loves me, all that. He's been a bit of an ahole here and there if I've threatened his drinking, but hasn't done anything I would consider abuse - hes generally pretty great ...

Till I really really sit and think about it. The times he's caused me stress because my family is coming to visit and I don't want them to 'see.' The times he cant remember talks I thought were meaningful. The smell. The times I needed support, and all I got was a happy drunk, rather than a partner. The events hes skipped out on to sit home and drink. The times he hasn't been able to share feelings with me - because he makes sure his feeling ability is kept to a minimum. The times hes told me hes too broke to do anything fun, but somehow has a fresh bottle in the freezer the next day.

That stuff ads up - and bam - what have I got myself into?!

A lot of people can detach and live a happy life regardless - with some support and recovery of their own. I've seen it here and in AlAnon. I've seen some people 30 years into a marriage and both happy in recovery. Theres no recovery with mine - only denial, and because of it, I personally have tunnel vision focused on a bleak future, and the knowledge that it will only get worse. What a painful crapshoot!

I am so sorry you are going through this. We can all empathize - you will find TONS of support here!

JustanotherWOA

"but he hides alcohol, and lies about it....and has been doing so for at least 13 years."

Non-alcoholics do not do this. Period. You are not crazy. And you deserve more.

lillamy

Hi Ripper,

I think my first post here was something along the same lines as yours. My husband was drinking every night but I didn't see him as abusive. I too was asking myself if I was simply demanding too much - after all, he had a demanding career and deserved to relax, no?

Your concern is valid. My AXH always had a mean streak, worse when he got drunk. And in the last five years we were married, he started becoming verbally, sexually and emotionally abusive to me, eventually graduating to threatening the lives of me and our children.

I don't mean to say "this is how your life will be" but that is how my life was. It's heartbreaking to see someone you've loved so hellbent on destroying themselves. It's infuriating when they don't accept they have a problem.

You've actually done the hardest part (well, actually all of it is the hardest part) - but having the courage to say "there's something wrong" when you feel like you're the only one who thinks so is hard. That is how your healing and decision-making can begin.

Ripper

It took me almost 10 years to say it out loud, that my spouse has a drinking problem...and even today, my family does not know, and my kids may suspect (10 and 12) but we've never discussed it. I'm tired. Tired of living this way. We started couples therapy a few months ago; I've been in therapy for myself on and off for about three years now. I think it's enough; I just need the courage to say it out loud to him and that we start ending this madness. Sorry, I feel like I'm thinking out loud, but I think it helps me. Thank you all for being there.

FeelingGreat

Hi Ripper, your first post had me wondering where you were going. You were saying he's ok to live with, still functions in his job and as a husband and father. Except he drinks secretly. My thoughts were, for all your 'excuses' about the situation, it's obvious you've got to a point....
Your last post explains it a bit more. Are you thinking of confronting him? Making an ultimatum? Discussing it with him? Leaving him? Do you have a plan of action?
Whatever you decide, the people on SR and previous posts will be a huge source of support and education. All the best.

BlueSkies1

I wonder just how many insightful!!!! convos are lost when people are inebriated. There is what was, what did happen, the truth, the facts.
But what potential is lost?
We often talk about the potential in a drinker. We see their potential, and many talk about how hanging onto it is wishful thinking.
On the opposite end of that same spectrum-what is being lost everyday?
We'll never know. The past is gone. Robbed!

Ripper

FeelingGreat, sorry for being vague and unclear, I'm thinking out loud and trying to figure things out as I'm going along.
I've confronted him, made ultimatums, discussed it with him, even pleaded, begged, cried and stomped my feet and threatened to leave if he didn't stop guzzling booze while hiding in the shed, in the laundry room, if I found another bottle, if he lied to me again... many, many many times in the past ...I know now that this is not constructive.
I need to focus on me, what I need, what would be the best for me and my kids. I've reached my limit I think (finally!) I don't want to wait until he gets worse, or that he does something even more stupid than he's done already in the past...
My plan? Well, we have couples therapy tomorrow, so I'll bring it up there...I cannot and will not continue with a man who hides 40 oz bottles of vodka in his car trunk...that's my limit. I have a friend who's away for 5 weeks, so her house is available for my kids and I to stay at until we figure things out...I just need that push.

firebolt

Oh wouldn't it be easier if they were just complete jerks that were mean to us, cheated on us, or hit us?!

It's my sickness - where I tell myself, "well, it's not THAT bad, he doesn't hit me."

Gawd.... that just reinforces that I need to focus on ME and MY health! I'm as effed up as he is I swear.

You can do this! - it is surprising how much peace and serenity we feel just being AWAY form the addiction!

Ripper

Firebolt, I know the feeling, I'm trying to shut out the little voice saying: Yeah, but he's nice, and educated and has a great well paying job, comes from a good family, has great values, is patient and involved with the kids...just forget about the fact that he hides alcohol everywhere (I do mean everywhere, I found over 15 "mickeys" in a hole in the wall!!) lies about it, stops in a public park on the way home from an errand to drink a whole bottle a wine before coming home and denying it, etc.....how am I suppose to feel about this man? Really?

Ripper

And, he also tells me himself, when I tell him he has to stop this that we cannot continue this way: He'll say, he works, brings money home, doesn't go out to bars, and has the nerve to say "I'm better with the kids than you are, I'm more patient when I help them with their homework", oh come on!!! Of course you're more patient, you're not stressed about this situation! You're not worrying about :where did he hide the bottle? will he have a drink before driving the kids to their sports pratice? do I smell alcohol on his breath? this is ridiculous!

firebolt

Haha - of course he's more patient with the kids than you - HE'S DRUNK! lol

Mine says basically the same thing - "you worry and stress too much" - well, yes Professor Brilliant, I have a stressful job, a stressful home life, AND I DON'T DRINK AWAY MY FEELINGS!

lillamy

They know.
Trust me on that.
They may not know what alcoholism is or how it affects the alcoholic, but they are affected by it.

My youngest was convinced that if she just didn't fight with her older sister, her dad would stop drinking. My oldest asked me about three months before I left "how long are you going to put up with this, Mom?"

They know.

And do NOT let him pull this:
He doesn't go out to bars? So it's better to get drunk at home?

The best thing I ever did was go to Al-Anon and come here. Learning about alcoholism was key for me -- key to getting to the point where I felt I had the right to want something else for my life and had the right to leave.

Ripper

Firebolt, you see that's it, he's not the typical 'drunk all time" kinda guy...but he may be "feeling good"..the problem is, is that I just don't know...I never know if he's drank something...unless we are having a glass of wine, or he's having a beer...the problem is what I don't see...this has always been the issue with him; I never know and it's very de-stable-izing (sp??)
I'll give you an example:

Once, we had a cocktail each, and drank 1/2 bottle of white wine while having dinner together, in about a 2 hour period. About 45 minutes after dinner, we left, by car, to go to a park for a nature walk. I was not at all intoxicated and I assumed my AH was the same as I since he weighs about 60 lbs more than me. We went for our walk and as we came back (now this is about 3 hours after our dinner); we hit a roadblock. The cop asks my husband if he drank, and he said he had some wine with dinner...he steps out of the car and well, long story short, he busted...wtf? To this day, he still has not been able to explain to me how that happened and here I was the dumb wife who didn't notice her husband was drunk? Now how am I suppose to trust my "instincts"???