RJY9

For the first time in 16 years with my wife (married 6) i thought i fnally turned a page when i explained the true extent of my addiction to Alcohol tonight. I gave every bit of knowledge and feelling i have to her and i was so happy to hear her say she understands. I was in tears and she didnt even hug me or say she would agree to help me with any of it. I can tell in her eyes she doesnt love me anymore and all she did was go straight back to indorsing all my negatives and she still thinks its that easy to stop drinking because she has no drink problem. I even asked her to come along to a meeting with me and asked her to join me for just 1 month of no drinking just so im not around drink for 1 month and she doesnt want to do either. Yet she says my drinking is the thing she wants most to stop. I would love nothing more to stop for good but i cant do it without her help. I dont think she loves me anymore.

ScottFromWI

It will take a long time to regain the trust of those around us that we've lost by drinking/lying/etc over the years. Have you actually stopped drinking yet? Don't worry about "forever" right now, just stop drinking for today.

noexcuse

RJ, I feel your pain. I've often said to myself that if only my husband would stop, I could, too. This time it's different. I want to stop for me, and it's not up to anyone else to help me. I've got to help me. If it means I can't be around it, then I have to remove myself, not the other way around.

I understand the vulnerability and the desire to feel wanted, needed, loved and appreciated. When you feel that the person you love isn't doing those things, it makes you feel abandoned and alone. I, for one, have spent years pushing people away, however. I have used my drinking and my anger to try to maintain control (in my head) over others, and it lead to mistrust and a hardened, calloused reaction to my behavior. Why would I expect any different when I turn from anger to fear or sadness? Their reaction to me is still the same. Even if it is different, they still treat me with wariness.

They are entitled to their feelings. If you are like me, you spent many years not wanting to change. It's not fair to ask someone to change for you just as you didn't feel it was fair for them to ask you to change before you were ready. The best that you can do is show your wife that you can and will change, because you are finally sick and tired of being sick and tired. Hopefully, over time, you'll be able to show her that you are serious and nothing will stand in your way.

We're in this together, RJ. All of us on here are rooting for you. You can do it if you want it.

MIRecovery

In the end you have to get sober for you not for anyone else. What others think or don't think is not your concern. If anything or anybody stands between you and sobriety they have to be removed from your life. This is a life and death situation. If you drink you die but not before you destroy everything and everybody that you love and value.

The relationship with your wife will likely come back but that can have nothing to do with you staying sober but if she is unwilling not to have alcohol in the house you may have to leave for a while.

Sobriety requires some tough choices but in the end they are so worth it.

least

You can do this without her support. It might be a bit harder but it can be done. Do it for yourself.

RJY9

Did alcohol affect any of you mentally?? ie. caused imense amounts of paranoia? Ever since i took that first drink again recently after my 17 days i could hear in my head 'Drinking makes bad things happen, non drinking makes good things happen' but I obviously thought i would just have 3 or 4 pints as promised to the wife. As you all know im sure that that didnt happen and i started on the shorts, jager bombs, then bought some peruvian marching powder (which always happens after too much drink nowa days) i then proceeded to be hectic and was talking to all sorts of people and dont remember what i said but I heard the other day i was not being agressive but just a complete idiot talking about rubbish and embarrassing myself to people i hardly know. Although that was a few weeks ago now i still feel paranoid and anxios and scared even because not remembering and hearing stuff from friends is horrible and leaves me thinking about nothing else (even though i know deep down knowone is even thinking about me, why should they as they have there own lives to lead rather than thinking about the crazy man in the pub) and it destroys days, weeks, months just thinking about such small insignificant things. All as a result of over doing the alcohol. Paranoia is horrid.

MIRecovery

Alcohol messes with your brain even when u r not drinking

Nattythreads

I've done it with no support. Only bitterness. I expected that because I was the one who caused that.

Least is right. The bottom line is it's got nothing to do with her support. Do it for you. She might well be past caring. You have to get past that.

ScottFromWI

Yep, it messes with your mind, body and soul. The only solution is to stop, and then things definitely improve over time.

Are you still drinking or have you quit again? It's a little unclear from your response.

Stellar45

A person can quit around a normal drinker who is still drinking but its not always easy, especially when that other person is your significant other. I would probably end up leaving my wife if she continued to drink around me but then again she was abusing alcohol when she drank, much like I did when I drank.
Put everything you have into getting sober and then see what happens. but you'll never know what that will be unless you first try.

Mark75

None of this is gonna resolve until you quit pouring alcohol down your throat and sucking powder up your nose... none of it, and it will all get worse, much worse.

Your wife can't get you sober and why should she? Leave her out of all that for now... It's enough that she has to get her head and heart around the fact that she married an alcoholic, and now she has to be the one to fix you too?

Look... I used harshly direct words on purpose. Snap out of it man. Get to AA and get help from people who know how to help you, people that went through it themselves. Your wife needs to recover and heal herself, and that's a big enough job without her having to do that for you too.

My wife wants absolutely nothing to do with AA, Alanon, all that and she still has some resentment about how it was all about me in early recovery, and that was almost 5 years ago...

Good luck!

Carlotta

Your sobriety should not be contingent upon someone else's, your wife's drinking is just an excuse for you not to tackle your own problem. We don't have any valid reasons to drink just excuses.
And yes it can be done, some of us have become and stayed sober while living with active alcoholic. Feel free to read this thread, people posting there have done it
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...loved-one.html
We can become and stay clean and sober and find contentment whether our loved ones are still drinking/using or not.

Edited to add, the pub is not a good place for someone in early sobriety.

RJY9

Havent touched a drop today and im off to work out shortly. I havent made a descision to fully quit yet as its to much pressure on the way as i have a big family holiday to get out the way very soon. After that i have my fresh goals to acheive. Not just saying that as an excuse to drink till then, im just being honest with myself because i know that it will spoil my holiday if im constantly seeing drinks in front of me and also just worrying about it untill we go. I will have a clear run after that so i fully intend to start all over again.

Twofish

Hi Rjy9, Give your wife some time, she might be in shock, pain, denial. I just found out about my drugging girls. I am angry, defensive,in denial then in acceptance. We are in day 12 of my nightmare. You disrupted her little world, her perfect world, like mine was. Stay sober for you, this will all make sence in time. Fondly across the pond, Twofish

Nuudawn

Wow...you haven't quit yet and you wonder why your wife is....numb to your words? I'm sorry but I kinda wanted to give a "hell ya" to Mark75's comments. I don't want to speak to harshly because I know you are in a fragile place and need support. Well you will find support here...with people who have been where you are. Your wife..simply has not. Why should she trust your words when you don't yet trust them yourself?
You want her to respect your feelings when you are not really respecting hers? I'm sorry honey..but you gotta pull your head outta your arse here man.

You are wallowing in a little self pity...sorry...gotta say it. Been there, done that...lots. Get sober for you man..and show up in your marriage...for you ..and her!

Seek to understand what's going on here. This is a fantastic place for that. Welcome. Huge huge welcome. We're here for you because we know..we been there. Your wife is a confused outsider...fed up right about now.

Are you fed up with you?

ScottFromWI

I know where your thinking comes from, I've done it over and over myself. The problem is there's always a reason to put it off. Vacation, tough day at work,visiting relatives, whatever. It's easy to put off quitting until tomorrow/next week/some predetermined date because that date never comes.

socallednormal

It will spoil your holiday if you see drinks?? You'll always see drinks on holidays, you can't let that spoil it.

On the other hand, how would your holiday go if you "started on the shorts, jager bombs, then bought some peruvian marching powder"?

Nuudawn

Ya...cuz it's all about you having a good holiday right? Is your wife and family going on this holiday? The same wife you are looking for support from? Hmmm...

Sorry I'm having a real hard time talking to your addiction right now.

Mizzuno

You know, I really needed my spouses support in my decision to quit drinking. This stewed in me for a long time, and his lack of support held me back ( in my mind) from doing what I knew I had to do. I stayed in the drinking, and problem causing, because it was too much to become sober alone. I thought I had to have his support. It was too hard to not drink if he was drinking. I needed both of us to see the problem. The truth is that, I am the one who has a serious problem when drinking alcohol. I am the one who sabotages. There is nothing he can do about that.

So, I lost my job. This was the moment where everything clicked into place. Support or no support, I had to stop. It was not about him any longer, or us. I had really ****** up.

He didnt believe me when I quit. He said that I was not drinking one moment, and then drinking the next. What is he supposed to think? This went on for years. I guess he is supposed to think that I am not able to get sober from all of my actions. I had to prove these thoughts, and my own thoughts wrong. I have not touched alcohol in almost 5 months, and I am better for it.

You have to get sober for you.

MIRecovery

There is always a lower bottom. Best of luck with your sobriety plan