JettBoy

Well,I guess if you don't start somewhere you won't Get anything accomplished .i owe you all an apology,I posted Saturday about trouble with my partner because I was being accused of using when I didn't,well,truth be told I did use ,I found some Xanax I had stashed in my bag ,I was at work having a busy but good day.it was basically a knee jerk reaction. Not that that is an acceptable excuse,I found em and I took em,I figured no one would notice seeing as I was going to a party where everyone's going to be drinking so I figured no one d notice.well they hit me like a hammer and I was a mess.the antihistamine thing sounded good but I'm only lying to myself and to you all.im really sorry,I wanted things to be good all around and this did not help anything,if anything it's made the distance between us bigger.i don't know why it's so easy for me to lie or why it's so hard for me to tell the truth. The only thing I can come up with is I had to do it as a survival tool all my childhood growing up so now it's second nature.its not done to be hurtful or to hurt those I love. It comes with such ease that sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it.so here I am,he's at the movies and I'm home writing this ,feeling like a total loser,useless junkie who's never going to change. I'm going to be 51 on July 24th,I've got 5.00 dollars in my checking account I'm in debt up to my eyeballs and I keep doing the same stupid **** I've been doing for years. I love my Pauly ,I don't mean to do anything to hurt him or us but for some reason I keep using and screwing things up. He's at the end of his rope and I don't blame him,he pulls away when I slip,I understand he's protecting himself but it just makes me feel worse. I miss him so much and I didn't let it go any farther than one day which I guess is a good thing but I feel so lonely and sad and mad at myself for being this person who only knows how to get high and ruin things. Well,I'm all out of honesty for now. I guess I'm just going to have to learn how to do it,stop and think about what I say before I say it,make sure it won't harm anyone or myself and like he says ,do no harm. I guess it's back to square one ,today was not so great and I hope tomorrow will be better...thanks everyone ...stay tuned

quitforme79

Coming clean is the first step to getting better. I hope you can continue being honest going forward, it will only help you

Katt1825

40's the new 20, so you can be 31, just a baby! Lots of life left
Don't worry about slipping up, worry about moving forward. Like you said about knee jerk reaction, part of it is definitely habit. I am still reaching for my pills every couple hours even though I don't have any!
You should be honest with your partner. At least coming clean looks like an effort. I've both been with an addict an am one myself and I can tell you I'd way rather hear the truth even if I am disappointed.
Time to get back on track and chalk this up
To a lesson learned.

least

Being honest with yourself is the first step in staying clean. Keep on doing the right thing.

sugarbear1

I got sober at 50

You can stay stopped, too!

Hugs to you!!

Hevyn

Hi Jett - glad you came here to tell what happened. I hope it helps you feel better - you now have a fresh start. We know you can do this.

JettBoy

I'm trying,I feel like very move I make is the wrong one. I just wish I'd be ok with myself and therefore every thing else would be ok. I know when I put other chemicals into the mix it just screws up my bipolar meds and I'm a bigger mess than when I started. I Gus's I'm just going to have to feel what I feel and deal with it..thanks for your words of encouragement.

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quitforme79

I dealt w feeling so many pent up emotions soon after I stopped drinking. Someone at an AA meeting said "the best thing about sobriety are your feelings & the worst thing about sobriety are your feelings". That helped me a lot because it seems to be something most people go through. And I see examples of people who stayed sober for a long time. Be easy on yourself, it gets better!