MMkM

As ACOA's we are very aware of setting boundaries.

What do we do when one is openly flauntingly broken right in front of us.

Details: I asked a friend of the family not to come over. We needed quiet and were needing to take a pet to the emergency room and deciding about that. We needed to be observing our pet without any distractions.

I had intercepted a call and asked that this friend not come to our home and that we would not be available that evening as we had a problem with a pet.

I go in the garage and that person was strutting to our home to talk with SO. I just stood there in surprise. Then I yelled out if SO was watching the pet. Yes, he was.

Then he had a drink in his hand the neighbor had brought to So and I yelled how are we going to get a pet to the emergency room if he was drinking!

I stood there just wondering what to do.

Boundaries in ACOA are valuable and this very person had set some for us (when to call because of a small child napping, etc...).

My only boundary request ever made and he was breaking it openly - he was there at our yard just minutes after I hung up requesting he stay away.

I firmly stated he leave our home now. He did not like that and walked off muttering in a rude tone. My SO was surprised that I did that until I explained the whole situation.

To my surprise he took up for the neighbor and thought I was rude running him off.

Unfortunately, we got way too friendly with neighbors. Even helped a little much, loaning (giving it was not paid back) out money, buying food or beer for cookouts, loaning out expensive tools and help as in home repairs, dog sitting, etc... All this did was build resentment when we don't do it.

I set my first boundary and it was broken and he has a lot of our tools he uses for his business.

I got rid of my dysfunctional family and now have a dysfunctional relationship with the neighbors.

Ironically, just like in a dysfunctional family, I am not speaking to a neighbor who did not help me when I got locked out of home - they were mad at me for not doing an expected favor.

Yes, we are wanting to move! I will be distantly polite. But now it is just unpleasant.

Kialua

These things happen when you put up boundaries, others will not always respect them. With your history of enabling your neighbors bad behaviors they are not going to welcome your new strength as you are experiencing now. Your SO is not helping matters if he goes rushing after the neighbor you shooed away, so there is no chance of changing their behavior if you don't have a team.

This is just a classic example of you stepping out of the dysfunctional pyramid and the others go falling down, mad at your and blaming you for not staying in your place in the pyramid. Stick to your decision and look for approval with like-minded people, like us in the forum

m1k3

On thing that really helped me with boundaries was when I realized they were for me, not other people. For me they are what will I do if X happens, not someone is not allowed to do X. One is about protection, the other is about control.

For example, I have a boundary of that I will never ride in a car when someone is drinking. If the driver had been drinking I don't ride in the car. They don't even have to know. The boundary is for my protection.

Your friend,