Can you ever believe or trust again?
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
Can you ever believe or trust again?
Due to a few circumstances (i.e. weak excuses), EXAG and I have spoken a few times this week (and spent some time together this morning). She appears to be doing really well (100+ days sober, in IOP 3 nights per week, working strong program, etc). Not that it means much, but she also got a tattoo of the words serenity, courage and wisdom surrounding a turtle on her shoulder (hard to explain, but we consider diving to be a great source of peace and serenity in life).
It was a very nice visit, and good to see her beautiful clear eyes again, and for us to connect a bit.
But I still find myself in my head questioning some things she says. For any of you that have time with someone successful in recovery, does this ever go away?
It was a very nice visit, and good to see her beautiful clear eyes again, and for us to connect a bit.
But I still find myself in my head questioning some things she says. For any of you that have time with someone successful in recovery, does this ever go away?
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
My son is now 6 months + sober. The trust slowly improves but I don't know that I will ever be at 100%. I've been lied to a lot. I'm trying to focus more on behaviors/attitudes.
However, I know, if I ever suspect he's drinking .... he will lie about it.
She's impulsive, though, eh? Already got a tattoo proclaiming her sobriety!
However, I know, if I ever suspect he's drinking .... he will lie about it.
She's impulsive, though, eh? Already got a tattoo proclaiming her sobriety!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
What I'm going to say is going to drive you more crazy, crazed. Therefore, maybe you'll like it.
Yes, you can definitely trust again! 100%
There's a person you rebuild trust with, if you ever had it strong within you.
Look in the mirror.
Then you don't so much even ask yourself the question you asked, because you know that somebody is watching your back. YOU.
Then, all the people that come your way, your bs meter works just fine. If you're trusting the man in the mirror, and he's once more on strong footing and believing in himself, he will call it out when he sees it. He will look out for himself. He will protect himself. He will though, have flashbacks if he has a relationship that in the past had such difficulties.
Those will be the real test when it comes to a relationship with her. Can you separate what happened in the past from what is happening today? You have to both be able to recognize the same-old behaviors, and recognize when they are different. Not black and white different, but shades of gray different. Her being a little different. It happens one thought at a time. You reacting differently. That too, happens one thought at a time.
Does it go away completely? That would take years of new behaviors, a little at a time.
Yes, you can definitely trust again! 100%
There's a person you rebuild trust with, if you ever had it strong within you.
Look in the mirror.
Then you don't so much even ask yourself the question you asked, because you know that somebody is watching your back. YOU.Then, all the people that come your way, your bs meter works just fine. If you're trusting the man in the mirror, and he's once more on strong footing and believing in himself, he will call it out when he sees it. He will look out for himself. He will protect himself. He will though, have flashbacks if he has a relationship that in the past had such difficulties.
Those will be the real test when it comes to a relationship with her. Can you separate what happened in the past from what is happening today? You have to both be able to recognize the same-old behaviors, and recognize when they are different. Not black and white different, but shades of gray different. Her being a little different. It happens one thought at a time. You reacting differently. That too, happens one thought at a time.
Does it go away completely? That would take years of new behaviors, a little at a time.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
She's impulsive, though, eh? Already got a tattoo proclaiming her sobriety!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Originally Posted by Crazed 
I agree. She has a few other discrete tattoos, and the turtle was no shock- the placement of it, and the serenity prayer reference was. And it is pretty big.
My son has talked about getting one. I've suggested waited for a bigger anniversary (like one year ... or five years!)
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Believe or trust whom?
Can I ask, why are so so eager to place your trust and confidence in this person who burned you so bad?
A big realization for me was when I realized that the people who hurt me are highly unlikely to be the ones who heal me. I hope you aren't looking for healing and resolution at a site of hurt.
Can I ask, why are so so eager to place your trust and confidence in this person who burned you so bad?
A big realization for me was when I realized that the people who hurt me are highly unlikely to be the ones who heal me. I hope you aren't looking for healing and resolution at a site of hurt.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 340
Is she the THE ONE? that deserves you going through all the time and effort to rebuild that trust once the stove is cold? But wait... she's going to be a different person once she's reached true sobriety...so she can't be the one can she.
IMO decide what you really want out of a partner regardless of this girl, what YOU want. If it turns out this girl is worth a shot based on that and not your history/emotion with her then wait till she's ready and try again. Date other women if you are up for it before you get hooked again.
This is that opportunity to work on yourself and align your life to what is going to make you happy in the next stage.
IMO decide what you really want out of a partner regardless of this girl, what YOU want. If it turns out this girl is worth a shot based on that and not your history/emotion with her then wait till she's ready and try again. Date other women if you are up for it before you get hooked again.
This is that opportunity to work on yourself and align your life to what is going to make you happy in the next stage.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Originally Posted by Florence
Believe or trust whom?
Can I ask, why are so so eager to place your trust and confidence in this person who burned you so bad?
A big realization for me was when I realized that the people who hurt me are highly unlikely to be the ones who heal me. I hope you aren't looking for healing and resolution at a site of hurt.
Can I ask, why are so so eager to place your trust and confidence in this person who burned you so bad?
A big realization for me was when I realized that the people who hurt me are highly unlikely to be the ones who heal me. I hope you aren't looking for healing and resolution at a site of hurt.
There is this big part of me that thinks if exabf would just admit he was a drunk, abusive, a-hole, I'd be free from the pain because I'd be RIGHT. It is all such denial on my part.
You have no idea how much this just helped me.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by HopefulmomtoD
Well she better stay sober, then. The only thing worse than a drunk, is a drunk with the serenity prayer tattooed largely on themselves. LOL
My son has talked about getting one. I've suggested waited for a bigger anniversary (like one year ... or five years!)
My son has talked about getting one. I've suggested waited for a bigger anniversary (like one year ... or five years!)
Originally Posted by choublak
I've seen that. The person (I didn't know them lol) was being arrested.
I love this!
Crazed, why do you NEED to trust your EX gf?
I think blueskies has it down.
It comes down to you. Trust yourself.
I worry that someone with 90 days?!?!?! would get a sobriety tattoo.
"I will get a tattoo and that will protect me from getting drunk, because.....
I would look STUPID with that tattoo if I get drunk!"
Yeah, drunks are crazy! how do I know? I was one!
Why are you looking to a proven liar to learn to trust again?
All you need is within you.
Nothing your ex gf has is NEEDED by you.
Let it go and learn to trust yourself, then someone else.
Beth
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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The one we need to trust is ourselves. When can trust ourselves and have faith that we can take of ourselves and know that WE are TRUSTWORTHY people then the question of whether we can believe or trust them isn,t as important or devastating if we are let down again.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
We're just about 2 years into recovery.
Yes, I am starting to trust him again. I'm interpreting your post to read: Do I believe trust IN MY A is possible, not a general trust.... but the kind that is necessary between two people in a committed relationship. If we weren't working at staying together & fixing our marriage, I wouldn't care... I wouldn't spend time & energy on it.
No, it didn't happen overnight, or even quickly for that matter. It isn't at 100% ~yet~ but I have definitely been feeling "on the better side of it" over the last few months.
It all related to him walking his talk... so the longer he struggled in being trustworthy, the longer it took me to trust him. For a long time I didn't foresee that it was possible, and like I said, we're not *there* exactly yet, but I can see the possibility of it better than I could in the first year of recovery. Baby steps, for sure.
I agree that trust in ourselves is necessary first & foremost, and one of the parts of our Selves that we often lose in this battle against addiction.
Yes, I am starting to trust him again. I'm interpreting your post to read: Do I believe trust IN MY A is possible, not a general trust.... but the kind that is necessary between two people in a committed relationship. If we weren't working at staying together & fixing our marriage, I wouldn't care... I wouldn't spend time & energy on it.
No, it didn't happen overnight, or even quickly for that matter. It isn't at 100% ~yet~ but I have definitely been feeling "on the better side of it" over the last few months.
It all related to him walking his talk... so the longer he struggled in being trustworthy, the longer it took me to trust him. For a long time I didn't foresee that it was possible, and like I said, we're not *there* exactly yet, but I can see the possibility of it better than I could in the first year of recovery. Baby steps, for sure.
I agree that trust in ourselves is necessary first & foremost, and one of the parts of our Selves that we often lose in this battle against addiction.
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