valeri

Well, I am a mom of 4 with 1 step daughter, so that makes 5. My kids ages do matter so you can see what I'm dealing with.....my oldest boy 17, boy 15, girl 13, girl with current husband is 3 and his daughter is 16. We have been together for 5 years. The first 2.5 yr he was sober and I laugh at myself for my foolishness because he was in a drug court program for his 3rd DUI when we met n fell in love. We do have an awesome giving relationship..... until he drinks. When he graduated the program he started smoking weed. 6 months passed and then he drank for the first time. The first time, he got mean, like hulk took over his body. He turned into a monster.....I was raised w alcoholics and have never seen such a thing! So, usually the drinking only happens about once every 3-5 months and only when my kids are gone at theirdads for the weekend. Last August he had a heart attack after a week of taking morphine pills he got from a guy, only age 37. Usually when he drinks beer he will be tolerable. But if one sip of liquor passes his lips he gets mean. Never put his hands on me, but will scare the **** out of me screaming, breaking everything, pushing me with his body. I always leave for a day or two. The baby always is asleep n never sees a thing. This weekend I made the mistake of taking a nap in the afternoon, how dare I, I need to stay focused on keeping him pleased 24/7 like freakin June cleaver so he won't drink. ...sarcasism... I wake up to him drunk on ever clear. My oldest son was home. Long story short, he pushed me, my son reacted and my husband raised his fist n my toddler starts screaming. Well this momma has been pushed to the limit. My kids are my world. I call 911 n he swears he will pull a gun on them when they are n he will die and its all my fault. He left before they got there. I left w my kids for 2 days. I'm home now. His dumbass is asleep.



OK....I am not one to tolerate crap. I do have an insane amount of patience but I ran out this weekend. If he won't go to AA n go back to his counselor then I have to protect us. I do have a fear that if I left or kicked him out he would definitely get stupid drunk and come to shoot me dead. My best friend died in that same way 2 years ago. My boys are pissed. This could all go bad. Will me putting my foot down n make him get help or get out even help? We are also really broke. Me leaving will mean making me n my kids homeless again..... which happened after I left my 1st ******* husband. I'm freakin out. I can't stand the fear between drinking events, never knowing when the next time will be and what will happen. Its crap to tell my kids "we can't go home , he's drinking" and if my ex found out my husband was drunk n pushing me n owns guns he may use, I could lose my kids ...if he decided he wanted to be a dad for once. My stress is to the max. I am not sure how to approach him when he wakes up sober. Personally smothering him in his sleep sounds appealing and I'm not violent. Lol I'm so lost. This sucks. I woke up with a clarity to for once take control and tell him my way or the highway but also afraid that giving him another chance is a mistake. Help please?

Tom1949

I am not that bad yet but I get very verbal abusive when I am in a blackout drunk. I am in the program again and hope that is behind me. My poor wife don't know if my effort will continue. Get somej support somewhere. Look for someone close that you can call. Tell them how afraid you are. God bless and keep you safe. Tom1949

Tom1949

Oh..... Be sure to get in touch with alonon

Tuffgirl

Welcome to SR, valeri.

Well, you've got a very serious scenario on your hands now. Thing is, you can't not take his words seriously - although he was drunk when he said them. He has threatened your children...this could turn bad very quickly next time, if you let there be a next time.

Do you have a place to go temporarily, like family or friends who'd let you couch surf for a bit? Can the older kids stay with their Dad while you work on getting back on your feet financially? Have you checked into temporary assistance programs to see if you qualify for anything? If you are truly done, then be done, and get proactive and clever. Where there is a will, there is a way.

P.S. I don't think being concerned about approaching him sober is a good use of your time. I'd instead be focused on the getting out plan. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Keep reading, keep posting, and keep coming back,
~T

SparkleKitty

Valeri, Tuffgirl has some very good advice. Please read it many times!

To answer your question, no. Putting your foot down will not make him get help. He will get help when he is ready to stop drinking and not one moment before. Please don't convince yourself that anything you do will have a direct bearing on that. Your energy needs to be on keeping yourself and your kids safe. Sending your strength and courage.

HopefulmomtoD

Others with more experience will chime in, I'm sure.

You must protect your kids. Get him out or you get out now. Call your local domestic violence hotline, they will help.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

AnvilheadII

get as far away from him as possible. drunk is one thing. violence, intolerable and inexcusable. he raised his fist to a child. he terrorized the even smaller child with his outburts. he threatens to use weapons. being pushed IS violence. yelling, screaming, breaking things.....rage, completely out of control.

no more chances. you are all alive in and in one piece now, don't test your luck.

contact Domestic Violence resources and let them help. homeless is better than the possible alternatives. he's a bad bad man. he already HAD his third DUI when you met. his heart stopped cuz he took morphine. YOU CANNOT STOP HIS DRINKING. that's obvious. he's shown you who he is.

now is the time to protect yourself and your children.

LexieCat

valeri,

The screaming, breaking stuff, and pushing your body with his is considered domestic violence. Your sense that he would "shoot you" if you left him is a pretty good indicator that you are in danger. Please call the domestic violence hotline and speak with a counselor about your situation. You can obtain a protective order to keep him away from you and the kids, or the advocate may be able to help you to find alternative housing. The abuse is a totally separate issue from the drinking/drugs. Even though they are related in some ways, they are separate issues.

This is a horrible situation for you and your children to be living in. For their sake, if not for your own, you need to do something, and soon. I have worked in the DV field for many years, and this is serious, serious stuff. Please call the hotline--they can help you with a lot of things, including safety planning. They are EXPERTS, and it costs you nothing to talk with them.

Florence

He showed you who he is now. BELIEVE HIM. There is no change, no reconciliation.

Get your kids and run. In ten years, in twenty, they will tell you that's all they wanted from you: to get away from him. This is their only childhood.

wicked

There is nothing you can do, nothing you can say, no action you can take to make
him stop drinking. Nothing.

Hello Valeri, My name is Beth and I am a recovered alcoholic and recovering codependent.

Oh my God, Valeri! I am so sorry for your loss. You must be still suffering from
PTSD, or continuing the stress by living the nightmare with another violent and abusive alcoholic.

Valeri,

Please call your local domestic violence center. If you have fears of him shooting you
dead, then I feel you need help.
You will be able to tell them your story, and get some help for you and
your children.
I am concerned about his threats, and your fear of your ex acting out too.

You have gotten used to unacceptable behavior, and it is out of your hands now.
I have been there, starting with the verbal abuse, then some pushing,
then an all out fight when I got drunk and mad one night.
This evolution took about 3 years.
Your husbands behavior makes it seem he is an abusive alcoholic, he is the one that must choose recovery, and he needs expert help.

My father was an abusive alcoholic and I still have issues today!
I am 54 years old, much better than I used to be, but always striving for better.
You have been deeply hurt by alcoholics (so was I as a young child, and then that was
the life I chose because it was a life I understood) and you have a very narrow vision right now.
You could just be in survival mode and the stress is making you feel crazy,
I know that is how I felt. Always driven by fear, and held back at the same time.

There is another life outside this stress, anxiety, anger and pain.
You can get out, but you need expert help with you.

Have you ever tried AlAnon meetings?
They can be very supportive.
I am so glad you found your way here.
And very sorry for the reasons.
Please stay and let us know how you are doing.
I care very much about you and your children.

Beth

PS
I have been in this situation when I was a kid, up to about 10, maybe a
little more and it is horrible for the children.
You can get emergency help from the domestic violence people if it is needed.
They will always be there to talk to and let you know how to get help.
You deserve a happy, sane, and carefree life.
So do your children.

dandylion

valeri, just as LexieCat suggested, the best thing to do, right now, is to go to a place where you can safely talk and call your local domestic violence center and tell your story to them. They exist to help people in your very situation. They will help you to know what to do and how to make a plan. They can help with legal assistance--for example, in getting a protective order. They have resources at their fingertips.

I consider that you and your children are in a very unsafe situation. I concur that confronting him would not be a wise move at this point. The safety of you and your children are the most important priority at this time.

Please keep posting--we will walk with you.

try to stay calm and talk to the domestic violence people.

dandylion

valeri

Thank you so much everyone. I really really appreciate the help and concern. Its nice that someone understands. I did confront him and like always he's apologizing a lot and is ashamed and swears he won't drink again and swears when he gets past the withdrawal feelings he's experienced today that he will go to a meeting. He use to be very active in AA but started thinking he knew it all and didn't need it. I'm trying to plan now. I told him he has pushed me to my limit that he has to get help or find the front door. Sounds ridiculous. I should be heading for the hills. I have been looking into alanon n gonna go to a meeting this week. I can't & won't live like this. After a bad episode he all sweet n forgiveness. I know it makes no difference if nothing changes but u are all talk. They do have a way of blinding you, you know what needs to be done but afraid to make the step. My kids and I are still very effected by the death of my best friend. My kids were friends w her kids and her teen son shot & killed himself last year because of the pain from what happened to his mom. This is all too real for us. Thank you everyone. Your advice is helping me see what has to be done.

Rosiepetal

In my opinion:
Get out of there.
He has threatened your children & if nothing else do this for your children & their safety.
Is there a womens shelter you can go to or any support like that in your area?
This is serious & safety comes first.
Don't think to far ahead but act now.
Good luck.

soberlicious

That is a phase in the cycle of abuse. You and your children are being abused. Dont minimize it.

bigbasscat

Valeri - welcome.

Please take whatever measures necessary to remove yourself and the children from this situation.

An individual who learns to use violence to control their situation (drunk or sober) is a serious real world threat to your safety and the children's safety.

The threat to law enforcement officers in the event you call for help is a very serious issue, and this threat alone should be reported to your local LEA (Law Enforcement Agency) if you do make the choice to leave him, and seeking (at the very least) a temporary restraining order would be a very good idea.

I wish I had more hopeful advice, but living with the frustration and sadness of having an addict or alcoholic in your life is one thing, living with the threat of violence is never acceptable even for a second, even more so when children are involved.

BlueSkies1

Think about it--he knows darn well that threatening you with the same as your friend suffered and died from is a huge trigger.
He is trying to unhinge you.
How mean, callous, vicious...he knows you suffer from the hurt of losing her, and he knows that you know it actually does happen to people.
I am angry just reading what he did.

deeker

I pray you'll find the courage to leave.

BoxinRotz

If you chose to stay, GET RID OF EVERY WEAPON IN THAT HOUSE!

I'm not advocating that you stay. If you can leave GO!!!

DreamsofSerenity

Welcome to SR.

Everyone gave you such great advice. I just want to add my support and love.

Please take care of yourself.

sadielady

I'm so glad you've found us. I can tell you love your children dearly. Hug them right, and get them the hell out of there. There is no way this gets better, and moments of better wont change that. I send you hugs and support and will be thinking of you. Keep posting here. I hope to see your next post from a friend's or a shelter or anywhere safer than where you are now. I'm not a religious person, but that is something I'm praying for for you and your children.